Is it manipulation?

[Tortuga50550]

For those who don't know the context, I'm a university student, and because of my financial situation, I'm still living at my parents house. My parents are right now in a divorce process, though my BPD father still acts as things are usual. I think it's some mutual thing they have decided, at least till he ends his last semester of univeristy (he's ending a master). Wich I don't agree (it's just weird to pretend nothing is happening right now, and it might just rise his hopes), but I've decided not to meddled with (their divorce, their problems). My father has promised he's going to change (wich he always does, so not really buying it this time). My mother asked me to talk to him about my feelings, but ended up accepting my boundaries after I refused to do so. Now you're going to understand why I refuse.

Something happened last night, after my mother had gone to sleep. I stayed up a little bit longer because I had to prepare sometings for today, and my father went to my room. After using some excuse to get it (like if I had trouble sleeping or something), he got in, with red crying eyes and asked me to hugh him. Twice. I was...not expecting that. I didn't want to, but I didn't know what to do. I felt pity, I fel guilty. So I did. And he hugh me really close, wich I didn't like but I didn't know how to respond to that. When he started whispering "my little heart", I gently push him off (trying not to kiss his cheek, wich I noted he was kind of trying me to do that) and told him that he was tired, that he should go to sleep. Wich he did.

Now, when he was no longer around, that's when my anger started. I felt tricked: I felt he had chosen the only moment I wasn't able to escape him or to go to someone else (my mom in this case). He had presented himself "vulnerable", and asked me to consol him, like I was his mother. Wich is the same thing he always did whenever I would tell him about how I felt about his anger issues. He would deny everything, guilt trip me (saying things like I'm to sensitive or I have a problem), and then crying that he loved me the most and please, don't stop loving me.

It's true I haven't given my father any hugh of kiss since he returned. It's true I had try to be less in his presence. And it's true I hadn't talked to him about my feelings yet. But it's all for a reason, and it's because of things like THAT.

I feel betrayed somehow. Even though I'm no longer especting nothing from him, I somehow feel betrayed. I also feel a little angry about my self, for giving in so fast, for not fighting back. At least I stopped the hug when I no longer could take it, but still.

I vaguely remember someone else posting something similar on this page. What do you think I should have done differently? Is it manipulation what he did, or just him being unable to talke a parent role?

[pursuingJoy]

Trust your instincts. Your father was pushing you into a nurturing, caregiver, parent role and you didn't like it, and that's enough. It's not ok. I think you set a good boundary with your mom in telling her that you wouldn't talk to your dad about his feelings. It sounds like your mom has also encouraged you to parent your dad.

What additional boundaries can you set moving forward?

[Turkish]

No doubt he's in emotional pain and hurting, especially given BPD traits, but that situation sounds icky to me. Parents are people, too, yet a respectful and healthy interaction might be to grab coffee and sandwiches and walk and talk at a park, e.g. I can't ever imagine trying to force one of my kids to kiss me, even if it wasn't sexual.

[Couscous]

It is manipulation of a very specific kind. It’s known as covert incest, and you have every right to feel very angry about what he did because it was a massive boundary violation.


Here is an article with more information: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/emotional-incest

[Tortuga50550]

What additional boundaries can you set moving forward?

For the moment, I have set some physical boundaries: no hugs or kisses. I though of telling him face to face, but things have usually gone sour for me in those cases. So my mother transmitted the message to my father. But the moment, I would say it's going...well. We have kiss goodbye whenever I'm going out, wich I think I'm going to stop too. But he hasn't tried to hug me yet, so I give it a plus.
But I honestly have no clue of other boundaries. I think I'm so used to listen to his emotional needs that I'm not sure what to limit or not in our relationship. It's confusing.

No doubt he's in emotional pain and hurting, especially given BPD traits, but that situation sounds icky to me.

Yeah, I think so too. The way he was grappling his pyjama, like he was a child, was what set me off. I'm not his mother, I can't give him that kind of comfort.

It is manipulation of a very specific kind. It’s known as covert incest, and you have every right to feel very angry about what he did because it was a massive boundary violation.

...honestly, was and wasn't expecting that one. I've just read the article: it makes sense, and at the same time, it feels so creepy. He has never acted particullary sexual with me, but I have felt sometimes like I was more his wife than his daughter. Emotionally, I mean. Man that seems creepy...

[Turkish]

He has never acted particullary sexual with me, but I have felt sometimes like I was more his wife than his daughter. Emotionally, I mean. Man that seems creepy...

That's the very definition. We have an article here.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

My uBPDx realized at some point that's what happened between her and her mother. To this day, she minimizes visits because she told me that she couldn't stand the amount of emotional dumping (in so many words) from her mom, something she'd dealt with since being a child.

To this day, being the only adopted child of a single mother, I still wonder if I experienced it. It was more Parentification in my case. Being adopted and thus a little detached, that may have inoculated me somewhat. As an adult, I never really liked hugging my mom and felt like something was wrong with me.