20 years

[uncleflo]

Hi,

I've been married for 20 years to who I thought was my best friend and soulmate, only to discover over the years that she's mentally ill. We met in high school, dated for many years, married, and had three kids. I knew her father had BPD but because my wife was so open about the dysfunction and working on herself, I thought things would be safe. A year after our first child, however, I discovered she was cheating. When I caught her, she blamed her post-partum. Because we had a young child and I wanted to make it work, I decided to forgive her. Of course, she used sex to make me forget. This weapon has worked many, many times through the years.

Over the years, I discovered her BPD was worse than I realized but never wanted to break up the marriage for the sake of our kids and their wellbeing. I tried to be compassionate and flexible, to the point of eventually saying, "As long as you don't have physical sex with somebody, I'm fine with an open relationship." Essentially, go ahead and get your validation as long as I can have sex with you when you're getting your "fix." This worked well for a bit (and the sex was awesome) but because her fix could never be satisfied, she ended up having "relations" with one of her students, got fired, got charged, and got put on the registry. During this terrible time, I have shielded my kids and, not to be conceited, did a really good job of it. They are all amazing and have flourished in so many ways (she's a great mom to them and doesn't show her BPD side around them too often).

Fast forward to now, she's now telling me that she's felt abandoned by me for the last 17 years of our marriage and just wants to be friends (i.e. she doesn't love me like that anymore). For 20 years, the goalposts have continually shifted and I've kept shifting to keep her happy but now that she's in touch with her childhood best friend and "fallen in love", it seems she's decided it's a good time to discard me. Because she also wants to protect the kids, she now wants to live under the same roof but I know when my youngest goes to college, that will be the end of it all. My only goal now is to keep them safe, while working on making sure I heal from all the damage done to me. It's been years of gaslighting and I feel like I'm being gaslit yet again, told I haven't been there for her this entire time when there is no doubt I have been. I love her. I do. We've been best friends for years and had so many good times together but I don't know what to do now. I can hope and pray that the cycle swings back, which I've seen happen many times over the years, but it feels different this time. It's like her new "boy toy" is making her feel so good, so beautiful, so desirable, that she has finally decided, despite all the flexibility I've provided, I'm of no use. She's also re-contextualizing every moment in the past. Weaponizing them. If I had a DVR, I could prove 90% of what she's saying isn't true (I've made a lot of mistakes)... but I obviously can't. I feel upside down.

I'm not interested in hearing that she's evil, that all people with BPD are bad, etc. We all have issues, some worse than others and I come from a place of compassion with her and all those that suffer... but I'm wondering if anybody has ever made it to the end with a BPD partner? Has anybody weathered the storm and lived out their days together "until death do we part"? Has anybody cracked the puzzle? Buehler? Buehler?

Thanks for your guidance, friends.

Uncle Flo

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chief Drizzt]

Hey Uncle Flo -

I don’t think you will see any judgement of the BPD on these boards.  I haven’t been around very long but so far that hasn’t been my experience.  We are kinda all in this together I think.

Sounds like a tough situation you are in and that your wife has some kind of hold on you.  I feel like mine (of 33 years) has one on me.  When kids are involved it makes things even more complicated.  Our three are all adults now - and they are thick as thieves - more than likely due to my wife’s BPD. I think living with one as a kid will make or break you - but you are doing the right thing (in my opinion) in trying to hold it all together for them.  That’s pretty much what I have done - though I have no intention of leaving.  Having said that - if she leaves me I’ll be done and won’t be going after her to convince her to come back.  I’ll see how that pans out after our youngest (18) goes off to college next fall…

[thankful person]

Hi Uncle Flo and welcome to bpd family. You will get so much support and helpful advice here. I am a married lesbian and my dbpdw is the biological mother of our 3 young children. I already feel like things may not recover from my wife’s latest 4 month split. But I just wanted to say I’m inspired by your confidence that you have done a great job of shielding your children. That is my ultimate goal, for my children to grow up emotionally healthy. My wife is also mostly an excellent mother and what I’ve learnt here has helped me to keep her calm so she doesn’t shriek and rage nearly as much.

Chief Drizzt I’m also pleased to hear your adult children are close to each other as this is the other thing I want for my kids, they are so close and loving as babies and I hope they will always be there to support each other. Your words, “some kind of hold over you” sent chills through me. I left a 14 year relationship to be with my wife and those words were what my ex said to me during the time that he tried to make things right and I tried to walk away from this crazy new relationship I was getting myself into. But she did indeed have some kind of hold over me but I never admitted it.

[uncleflo]

Thank you for the warm welcome and support, Chief and Thankful. It's truly appreciated. I hope to provide an equal amount of support to everybody on this board!

Chief - It sounds like you're also doing an incredible job holding down the fort for your children. Your comment on her having a hold on me is spot on. I suppose the question becomes this: Whether they stay or go, how do we minimize this hold they have over us? How do we make peace before they maybe choose to toss us aside and leave us behind? Because I grew up playing D&D, I sometimes look at the hold she has over me like that of a succubus. There's an addiction there, a co-dependency, that feels sometimes like a warm blanket and sometimes like a cage with no key (and sometimes both at the same time).

Thankful - I'm sorry to hear what you're currently going through with your wife. I also commend you for shielding your children, as I think that's a noble goal to have (one that I'm not sure somebody with BPD can truly appreciate). That said, do you ever get tired of being that shield? I tried to have a conversation with my wife this morning and she threw a huge tantrum, saying she's numb towards me (i.e. I'm being split, devalued, the whole gamut…) but wants to stick around for the kids. It almost feels like the kids are being used as a chain she knows she can use to keep me tied down. She knows I would never leave them to move into a new place. It almost feels like the shield is being used as a sword, you know?

Again, thank you both for your guidance (and anybody else out there who jumps in!). I'd also love to know any perspectives from the other side of the coin. Can anybody with BPD explain what my wife might be doing and how to deal with her? I'd love to hear all perspectives. Please know I would never judge you for having BPD. As I always like to say about mental issues, they are features and not flaws. 

Uncle Flo

[Pook075]

Hey Uncle Flo!  I just wanted to say that I'm very sorry for what you're going through and our stories are just about identical other than I don't know if my wife's cheated over the years or if she's with someone now.  Exact same patterns, behaviors, etc. that tore us apart out of nowhere, the past re-written, etc.  It stinks and it hurts.

What are you personally hoping for at this point?  There's still a chance therapy and better communication can turn this around.

[uncleflo]

Hi Pook! Thank you for your kind words. Glad to have another friend in the fire. 

You ask a great question. I suppose what I would like most is stability for our kids, for her to get help (she's talking to a therapist and on meds… more on that in a second…), and for us to repair what's perceived as broken (which, I know, might not be possible because she lacks a general sense of logic). I'm a loyal person and I struggle with the idea of giving up on so much time spent, you know? Plus, I think a divorce would blindside our kids, as they have zero ideas how bad it sometimes is.

About the therapy… after an epic meltdown where she threatened suicide and I took her to the hospital, we had a conversation about her getting back into therapy to get help with her BPD. She agreed and I thought we were making progress… but it now feels like the therapist is actively supporting her delusions, and when my wife started to see her is the same time when the wheels came off (again) in our relationship. For example, I had hoped the therapist would say, "Hey, maybe you should work on your relationship with your husband, who has stayed by your side this entire time," but she instead encouraged my wife to pursue the side relationship with her male best friend. Of course, I'm only seeing one side of the story but I've gotten pretty good at isolating when my wife is lying and when she is telling the truth.

Uncle

[Pook075]

Hi Pook! Thank you for your kind words. Glad to have another friend in the fire.  

You ask a great question. I suppose what I would like most is stability for our kids, for her to get help (she's talking to a therapist and on meds… more on that in a second…), and for us to repair what's perceived as broken (which, I know, might not be possible because she lacks a general sense of logic). I'm a loyal person and I struggle with the idea of giving up on so much time spent, you know? Plus, I think a divorce would blindside our kids, as they have zero ideas how bad it sometimes is.

About the therapy… after an epic meltdown where she threatened suicide and I took her to the hospital, we had a conversation about her getting back into therapy to get help with her BPD. She agreed and I thought we were making progress… but it now feels like the therapist is actively supporting her delusions, and when my wife started to see her is the same time when the wheels came off (again) in our relationship. For example, I had hoped the therapist would say, "Hey, maybe you should work on your relationship with your husband, who has stayed by your side this entire time," but she instead encouraged my wife to pursue the side relationship with her male best friend. Of course, I'm only seeing one side of the story but I've gotten pretty good at isolating when my wife is lying and when she is telling the truth.

Uncle

Well, any therapy is progress HOWEVER, some therapists are much better than others.  My oldest daughter (24) also has BPD and the vast majority of her counselors over the years were there for her to vent.  They offered no real guidance, no therapy, and let my daughter make her own conclusions as to what happened and how she could handle things better.  It was a complete waste of time because my kid wasn't ready to change.

Her current therapist is not like that at all and she will happily push when my kid gets off-track.  The changes I've seen in the past year have been miraculous- she's a regular 24 year old now that has a bad day maybe once or twice a month.  Her ability to cope and just be happy have blown me away though- whenever she comes over to hang out, we just laugh and have fun.  So know that there is hope, but it takes the right therapist and your wife wanting to make real change.

One other thing- it was common for my kid to say things like your wife's saying now.  She could listen to a 30 minute conversation about how she was doing everything wrong, but one sentence was "Your dad should have reacted differently in that situation, but hopefully you can see how you contributed to that happening."  All she'd take away from the whole thing was, "Your dad reacted wrong, this is all his fault."  But that was because my kid was hearing what she wanted to hear instead of trying to make positive changes.  

That's a big MO in borderline- it's everyone else around me that's the problem, not me.

All I can say is, don't give up hope.  My wife doesn't have an official diagnosis and sees me to blame for everything, so I don't have a path to reconcile at this time.  I'm at a different part of this journey though since it sounds like I'm about 6 months ahead of you.  Just keep your head up, be a great dad, and learn to love yourself despite the situation around you.  Maybe consider some "me time" as well- whatever that means to you (gym, hobby, going for walks, playing golf, whatever).  You'll get through this regardless of what the ultimate outcome is.

Wishing you luck, buddy- don't hesitate to vent here whenever you need to.  Lots of great folks here who genuinely care and understand this rollercoaster we're on.

[uncleflo]

That's a big MO in borderline- it's everyone else around me that's the problem, not me.

All I can say is, don't give up hope.  My wife doesn't have an official diagnosis and sees me to blame for everything, so I don't have a path to reconcile at this time.  I'm at a different part of this journey though since it sounds like I'm about 6 months ahead of you.  Just keep your head up, be a great dad, and learn to love yourself despite the situation around you.  Maybe consider some "me time" as well- whatever that means to you (gym, hobby, going for walks, playing golf, whatever).  You'll get through this regardless of what the ultimate outcome is.

Thank you so much for providing your thoughts, Pook. They truly mean a lot to me and I appreciate the time you've taken. I'm generally a hopeful, positive chap but she's pushing these buttons of mine quite a lot lately. I won't quit though. 

Uncle

[kells76]

Hi uncleflo, just want to add my Hello and Welcome to the other voices here.

This part of your post stood out to me:

About the therapy… after an epic meltdown where she threatened suicide and I took her to the hospital, we had a conversation about her getting back into therapy to get help with her BPD. She agreed and I thought we were making progress… but it now feels like the therapist is actively supporting her delusions, and when my wife started to see her is the same time when the wheels came off (again) in our relationship. For example, I had hoped the therapist would say, "Hey, maybe you should work on your relationship with your husband, who has stayed by your side this entire time," but she instead encouraged my wife to pursue the side relationship with her male best friend. Of course, I'm only seeing one side of the story but I've gotten pretty good at isolating when my wife is lying and when she is telling the truth.

Am I tracking with you, that your W is the one telling you "Hey, my T told me to go for this relationship"? I.e., you did not hear this directly from the T?

Many, many, many members here struggle with their loved one with BPD telling them "My therapist told me" and then just the craziest stuff: "My therapist told me that you're the problem", "my therapist told me that you're abusing the kids", etc.

A pwBPD can be very adept at taking a grain of truth and spinning it into something that comes across as emotionally believable... because they themselves believe it, even though it isn't true.

Unless you hear, directly from the therapist, that the therapist is encouraging your W to pursue a new relationship, I would strongly lean more towards:

your W has taken a grain of something from T (perhaps the T, encouraging rational thought, asked "What do you think would be better about this new relationship" and your W turned that into: The T thinks the new relationship would be better), and is using it to fortify her position.

I would strongly doubt that the T is recommending anything close.

Hope that helps;

kells76

[uncleflo]

Am I tracking with you, that your W is the one telling you "Hey, my T told me to go for this relationship"? I.e., you did not hear this directly from the T?

Many, many, many members here struggle with their loved one with BPD telling them "My therapist told me" and then just the craziest stuff: "My therapist told me that you're the problem", "my therapist told me that you're abusing the kids", etc.

A pwBPD can be very adept at taking a grain of truth and spinning it into something that comes across as emotionally believable... because they themselves believe it, even though it isn't true.

Unless you hear, directly from the therapist, that the therapist is encouraging your W to pursue a new relationship, I would strongly lean more towards:

your W has taken a grain of something from T (perhaps the T, encouraging rational thought, asked "What do you think would be better about this new relationship" and your W turned that into: The T thinks the new relationship would be better), and is using it to fortify her position.

I would strongly doubt that the T is recommending anything close.

Very much helps, Kell. Thank you for your perspective and warm greeting. You're right. 100%. It's yet another example of her gaslighting and re-contextualization of the facts, and probably an attempt on my part to place my anger/irritation on somebody other than her by thinking her therapist is a co-conspirator in her mental proclivities. It's maddening, yes, but I'm aware I need to learn how to better balance myself amongst the pockets of chaos and come to peace that this is just how her damaged heart works. She was, as I'm sure you could probably guess, sexually abused as a young child by her brother, and this experience - coupled with her father's own BPD - has set her on this path. I just have to learn how to not be swallowed up by the quicksand of that path. 

Thank you all for your support. My heart is with you as well.

Uncle