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Author Topic: I feel like my BPD mom is ruining my life.  (Read 811 times)
giraffe07

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: March 07, 2023, 02:27:18 AM »

Okay, this is my first post. I’ve been scared to post because I’m too scared she’ll find it and blow up, but whatever Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

My mother has BPD but will not admit it. She has been diagnosed multiple times but she doesn’t think she has it. It will be like one moment we’re totally fine and then I say something or make a gesture that triggers her and she BLOWS UP. Usually the “blow ups” consist of gaslighting and victimizing. Also does anyone else here deal with their BPD family member having terrible road rage? I’m scared it’s getting really dangerous and I can never have an adult conversation with her because she won’t ever admit she’s wrong and we can never have a serious conversation without her thinking that she’s the “worst mom ever” and replies with “find your own ride next time”. She also tries to be friends with all of my friends’ parents and will burn bridges with them and affect my friendships. I feel like I’m just losing it right now and I’m just trying to find any stories to relate to. BPD needs to have more awareness because I don’t know of anyone in my area that’s openly shared that their parent/family member has BPD.

Any encouragement/similar stories are so appreciated! I just need to know I’m not going crazy and that there ARE people who deal with the same things I do every day.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2023, 05:56:37 AM »

Giraffe,

   Welcome to the BPD family.  I personally think this is the best place for moral support for what you have described.

   "Road rage" is one of the nine symptoms of BPD, your description of your mom wanting to be friends of your friends fits my wife exactly with my teen-age daughter.  BPD can present in over 200 different ways along with ranging from very mild to very severe - so much variation is present.

   You are not going crazy, there are many stories similar to yours here.  Just look around. 

   I am going to point you to two different 'starter' books on learning about and managing relationships with persons with BPD.

“Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger [3rd Edition] it has an excellent assessment tool in it.

“Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad has excellent tools for managing the person with BPD, even a teen can manage an adult with some of these tools.

   I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

   Please ask questions, I and others are here for you, and we do openly share our stories.

   Take Care.

Salty
   

Okay, this is my first post. I’ve been scared to post because I’m too scared she’ll find it and blow up, but whatever Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

My mother has BPD but will not admit it. She has been diagnosed multiple times but she doesn’t think she has it. It will be like one moment we’re totally fine and then I say something or make a gesture that triggers her and she BLOWS UP. Usually the “blow ups” consist of gaslighting and victimizing. Also does anyone else here deal with their BPD family member having terrible road rage? I’m scared it’s getting really dangerous and I can never have an adult conversation with her because she won’t ever admit she’s wrong and we can never have a serious conversation without her thinking that she’s the “worst mom ever” and replies with “find your own ride next time”. She also tries to be friends with all of my friends’ parents and will burn bridges with them and affect my friendships. I feel like I’m just losing it right now and I’m just trying to find any stories to relate to. BPD needs to have more awareness because I don’t know of anyone in my area that’s openly shared that their parent/family member has BPD.

Any encouragement/similar stories are so appreciated! I just need to know I’m not going crazy and that there ARE people who deal with the same things I do every day.
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Mommydoc
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2023, 10:07:50 AM »

Welcome giraffe07, I applaud the courage it takes to post for the first time.  I had the same fear that my sister wBPD would discover me/my posts…. it is probably quite common.   But as Salty said, the value of sharing our stories and the support received here, makes it so worthwhile as a source of growth and support. 

I agree with the self care and books recommended.   I also use the resource threads a lot and have read many/most multiple times.   As you spend time on the forum, you will find additional books, links and podcasts that will resonate and help in your journey. 

My sister is my person wBPD.   She has no self awareness, and her blowups happen in a split second.  It is impossible to avoid triggering her and there are few tactics that work to de-escalate her. She also tries to become friends with and almost becomes possessive of people who are important in my life.   My kids, my son’s girlfriends, my neighbors, relatives and my mothers friends.  She will even say things like “ I am closer to X person than mommydoc” which is frequently quite ridiculous; she ends up showing her colors.   

The most important thing I have learned in my journey is that you can not change your pwBPD.   You can only change your self and your reactions.  You can learn to expect the gaslighting, distorted narratives and blame game.  You can learn to ignore their narratives, listen to your own heart and most importantly to your own feelings and react to them instead of the feelings of the pwBPD.  Focusing on ourselves, with the help of this forum, a good therapist and lots and lots of self reflection, can help us let go of the obligation and guilt we often experience, and free us from the fear and self doubt that result. 

People don’t talk about this that much, but as I have shared my struggles with other friends, it has created space for them to share their stories and it seems much more common than I previously realized.  You are not alone, and you have taken such an important first step in joining the BPD family forum. 
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giraffe07

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 4



« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2023, 11:53:53 AM »

Thank you so so much for your advice and support. I will definitely be checking out everything you all said to do.
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kells76
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« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2023, 01:52:31 PM »

Hi giraffe07, I want to join with the others in welcoming you to the group. It can take courage to speak up and shine a light on what's not right in our families -- kudos to you for taking that step.

As you start to learn more about BPD, take a look at some of the topics up top (dark green tool bar), like "Diagnosis", "Forum" (here!), "Tips", "Tools", etc.

In "Diagnosis", we have a good article on the DSM Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder. In it you'll find the nine "official" symptoms of BPD:

Excerpt
Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

*Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

*A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

*Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

*Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

*Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

*Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

*Chronic feelings of emptiness.

*Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

*Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Generally, if a person has at least five of the nine symptoms, that is enough for an official diagnosis by a professional. Definitely check out the full article -- this is only a brief excerpt.

The road rage you describe would fall under the category of inappropriate, intense anger -- that's scary stuff to deal with. Do you have other family members who notice her behaviors, or are impacted by her anger?

You're definitely not alone in coping with someone with BPD in your life. It can make you feel crazy! This is a good place to vent, journal, learn, and grow, with people who understand.

All the best;

kells76

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Couscous
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2023, 02:53:54 PM »

Excerpt
Also does anyone else here deal with their BPD family member having terrible road rage? I’m scared it’s getting really dangerous and I can never have an adult conversation with her because she won’t ever admit she’s wrong and we can never have a serious conversation without her thinking that she’s the “worst mom ever” and replies with “find your own ride next time”.

It definitely is dangerous. I highly recommend that you do everything you can to not say anything that might provoke her while she’s driving, and if you can “find your own ride” as much as possible, (and get your driver’s license as soon as humanly possible), that would actually be ideal.

As rule, it is best to avoid trying to have adult or serious conversations with someone how has BPD, or try to get them to admit that they are wrong, mainly because it’s just a huge waste of time and energy, and also, completely futile. Even if they do somehow admit they were wrong, they will make you pay for, so best to just avoid these conversations entirely.

It also would be a good idea to not introduce her to any more of your friends, and to spend your time with your friends at their houses and not invite them to your place, even though this might be inconvenient.
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Methuen
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« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2023, 09:53:27 AM »

Hi Giraffe07.  

The blowups are gut wrenching, unfair, hurtful, and so incredibly destructive.

Then when they eventually feel better, they sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened.  We get it here.

BPD’s have zero boundaries.  This is why she goes after your friends.  Another reason she behaves as if your friends are her friends, which is also related to boundaries,  is because she emotionally can’t let you separate from herself.  This is called individuation - being emotionally mature enough to let her child (you) become your own person and think your own thoughts and live your own life.  But BPD’s can’t let their children do that.  They feel completely invalidated by the process.  Furthermore, they use their emotional enmeshment to make us their caretakers.  At least that is my experience.  Not sure if any of this resonates for you.  

When one of my close friends moved a number of years ago, my mom wanted directions to her new house so she could go visit.  It was truly bizarre because my mom hardly knew her and had only met her once.  This is another example of poor boundaries. Anyways, I did not give her the address, or directions, and made up some excuse.  That triggered a mini rage.  I didn’t care.  It was better than having her invade the friendship I had.

I have figured out like others here that the trick is to give them no personal information about yourself or the people in your life.  Then they have less ammunition to use against you.  It keeps the relationship on a superficial level which is safest. However, it is sad because it is not the relationship we want.  There is a grieving process in accepting that for many people.

I completely agree with you that there needs to be more awareness about BPD ( and mental health in general).  The key for families and society in general (since these people also have jobs and become leaders) is to get out in front of it and have more awareness. This is key to both interventions and even prevention.

One thing that is positive in your situation is that your mom has a diagnosis.  That can be helpful when she inevitably needs medical resources.  My 86 yr old mother is undiagnosed, and from the system’s perspective, that means she is mentally in the normal range.  For the family, this is not helpful.

My heart goes out to you right now.  I hope you can make the time for self care.
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2023, 10:52:19 PM »

I can relate to some of it, my Dad drives like a maniac, because of poor self control, and also, he'd spam me with information in the car, even when I was tired or struggling, I think sometimes they drive poorly just to screw with you, he even ran through something and went on the wrong side of the road once, I honestly think he may have done a lot of that intentionally.

My ex-GF had BPD, and she tended to use the victim card A LOT, I find that women tend to do it more, because honestly, it's just more effective for women to do, because of prejudices and such. No one is a victim though, because we all have the ability to heal, you can sit around being a victim, or a person who heals, you can take responsibility, or not. It's not that I don't understand how difficult it can be, it's hard for me now, but sitting around, making all your problems everyone else's all the time is cruel. (which is what she is doing, not you, btw)

Your relationship sounds terrible though, sounds like she is getting away with murder. I find that the two best ways to deal with people with Narcissistic traits, like people with BPD are to ignore them, and cut them off, or hold them accountable, by setting expectations and consequences, and calling out there behavior. But if you get too worked up, then they tend to start abusing you.

Gaslighting is really hard, even if you see through it, the doubt that it sows is extremely damaging. Trust your own ability to discern the truth, you can consider their side if you think it's worth considering, but if it's not, you can trust yourself. I find that when I get gaslit, taking a break, and calming down, and not freaking out, and when I am ready, thinking through it a bit is helpful.

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beatricex
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« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2023, 09:07:08 AM »

Hi,
Just a comment about the concern your BPD might come here and post.  I have thought about this quite a bit, as have others.  I think the posts might look a lot different than ours.  I have found message boards where BPDs do post and the posts are very different. 

I imagine my Mom's threads would read something like this:

Estranged daughter won't acknowledge my email!
I went to my daughter's house and I am so mad!
Daughter is on my S*it List AGAIN

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Ok, so I am partly being funny cause it helps me with my great fear.  All this to say one of the hallmarks of my BPD is not being real self aware or introspective.  I think to even post on this message board to have that patience, you kind of need that trait?  Also, there's very little supply here for a BPD.  Just my observation, I could be wrong and maybe those folks are here lurking, looking for us.

b
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Couscous
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« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2023, 02:47:31 PM »

Hi,
Just a comment about the concern your BPD might come here and post.  I have thought about this quite a bit, as have others.  I think the posts might look a lot different than ours.  I have found message boards where BPDs do post and the posts are very different. 

I imagine my Mom's threads would read something like this:

Estranged daughter won't acknowledge my email!
I went to my daughter's house and I am so mad!
Daughter is on my S*it List AGAIN

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Ok, so I am partly being funny cause it helps me with my great fear.  All this to say one of the hallmarks of my BPD is not being real self aware or introspective.  I think to even post on this message board to have that patience, you kind of need that trait?  Also, there's very little supply here for a BPD.  Just my observation, I could be wrong and maybe those folks are here lurking, looking for us.

b

My thoughts on this is that a pwBPD doesn’t have enough insight in order to be able to recognize their own behavior. Even if they found a post written about them, because they are such deep denial about their negative behaviors, they probably wouldn’t actually realize that the post was about them.
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