Well, I was true to myself today, and it was HARD.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I wrote my Dad, a deep letter. I've had to be so deep with him lately, because I won't put up with abuse, even though it's been so taxing on us both. The letter was just about me, and how I won't emotionally invest in the relationship, until his behavior improves, because he still hasn't learned to ask, needs to treat me better, he need to figure out what he wants, so he can invest it in the relationship. He is still being abusive, by crossing my boundaries, brooding, and maybe slightly hurt the dog, by holding his mouth shut? (but I am not acting unless I know for sure).

I've been super constructive, but I've lost so much sleep lately, from his boundary crossing, and other such behavior, that I was at a tipping point. He's been trying to undermine me, when I do stuff. And it's been a constant power struggle, and I am tired of investing so much in the relationship, when it's not working for me at all, but if I cut him off, like I have been, he broods, and then who knows what he'll do.

I wrote him a letter, holding him completely accountable, saying how because of how he's disregarded my health so bad in the past (and hurt me), I took him off my emergency contacts at the hospital, and that I'd rather die alone than trust him with my health, this causes me to feel sad. I also told him about how I don't trust to drive with him, because he's done crazy stuff in the car, and disregarded me a lot in it, because he feels like he has power there.

Then I brought up, that I don't even care if he does anything for my birthday, because he's sabotaged so many of them, that I'd rather care for myself on that day, because I know what I deserve. This is bitter sweet to me, as it causes me to feel sad and happy at the same time. A sense of freedom, but also loss.

Another hard thing to bring up was how I wasn't going to put up with abuse, or invest in a relationship that wasn't good for me, and that if he does some really abusive stuff to me or the pets, I'll kick him out. This causes all sorts of worst case scenarios to pop through my head, like him killing me or something.

I told him, I'm sticking to my guns on this stuff, because he'll only respect me, if I follow through on my word, I've been wishy washy out of fear, and also being so used to all the abuse, that it's actually more comfortable being abused, than feeling unconditional self love. Which I kind of teetered between both today. The letter also said, that he doesn't take responsibility for his actions, his victimhood, his jealousy, his life, his health, and all sorts of stuff, and I called him out and said, that's his own issue. And I basically said that if I have to end my relationship with him, I will, because I am not going to roll around in crap with him.

One part was also about how I thought  maybe if I offered him none judgment and and honest effort, it would give us a chance at a relationship. And how I've tried so hard over the years, so I don't feel bad for making this all about me, and putting myself first.

All this was terrifying, but the most scary part was after, when I went to him and asked if he was going to buy a gun and hurt us or something. And he seemed really down. This is when I let my guard down, which is the scariest thing of all lately, and said, basically that, it's not like I don't care, I just can't put all this care into him when I'm being abused, because it's not fair to me. And then I humbled myself, and went up to him, put my hand on his shoulder, asked him to look at me, and said basically that if he gets help, or is doing positive things for himself, I'm willing to help more around the house. And he seemed more interested about getting help after I said all that, especially all the hard stuff, in the letter. Another thing is I said, we can take a break from the relationship, because I know all the deep conversations I have are exhausting, but I have to have them, if I'm being mistreated.

I was true to myself in two ways, I stuck to my guns, because I know what I deserve, and I was true to myself, because I was kind, in the only way I really can be, in supporting him to help himself. It's all scary, and I don't think I've processed the emotions yet, but I'm hoping this all works out for the better, I'm exhausted from fighting all the time, but I have to do, what I have to do. I can't keep living like I have.

Thanks for reading.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I wrote my Dad, a deep letter. I've had to be so deep with him lately, because I won't put up with abuse, even though it's been so taxing on us both. The letter was just about me, and how I won't emotionally invest in the relationship, until his behavior improves, because he still hasn't learned to ask, needs to treat me better, he need to figure out what he wants, so he can invest it in the relationship. He is still being abusive, by crossing my boundaries, brooding, and maybe slightly hurt the dog, by holding his mouth shut? (but I am not acting unless I know for sure).

I've been super constructive, but I've lost so much sleep lately, from his boundary crossing, and other such behavior, that I was at a tipping point. He's been trying to undermine me, when I do stuff. And it's been a constant power struggle, and I am tired of investing so much in the relationship, when it's not working for me at all, but if I cut him off, like I have been, he broods, and then who knows what he'll do.

I wrote him a letter, holding him completely accountable, saying how because of how he's disregarded my health so bad in the past (and hurt me), I took him off my emergency contacts at the hospital, and that I'd rather die alone than trust him with my health, this causes me to feel sad. I also told him about how I don't trust to drive with him, because he's done crazy stuff in the car, and disregarded me a lot in it, because he feels like he has power there.

Then I brought up, that I don't even care if he does anything for my birthday, because he's sabotaged so many of them, that I'd rather care for myself on that day, because I know what I deserve. This is bitter sweet to me, as it causes me to feel sad and happy at the same time. A sense of freedom, but also loss.

Another hard thing to bring up was how I wasn't going to put up with abuse, or invest in a relationship that wasn't good for me, and that if he does some really abusive stuff to me or the pets, I'll kick him out. This causes all sorts of worst case scenarios to pop through my head, like him killing me or something.

I told him, I'm sticking to my guns on this stuff, because he'll only respect me, if I follow through on my word, I've been wishy washy out of fear, and also being so used to all the abuse, that it's actually more comfortable being abused, than feeling unconditional self love. Which I kind of teetered between both today. The letter also said, that he doesn't take responsibility for his actions, his victimhood, his jealousy, his life, his health, and all sorts of stuff, and I called him out and said, that's his own issue. And I basically said that if I have to end my relationship with him, I will, because I am not going to roll around in crap with him.

One part was also about how I thought  maybe if I offered him none judgment and and honest effort, it would give us a chance at a relationship. And how I've tried so hard over the years, so I don't feel bad for making this all about me, and putting myself first.

All this was terrifying, but the most scary part was after, when I went to him and asked if he was going to buy a gun and hurt us or something. And he seemed really down. This is when I let my guard down, which is the scariest thing of all lately, and said, basically that, it's not like I don't care, I just can't put all this care into him when I'm being abused, because it's not fair to me. And then I humbled myself, and went up to him, put my hand on his shoulder, asked him to look at me, and said basically that if he gets help, or is doing positive things for himself, I'm willing to help more around the house. And he seemed more interested about getting help after I said all that, especially all the hard stuff, in the letter. Another thing is I said, we can take a break from the relationship, because I know all the deep conversations I have are exhausting, but I have to have them, if I'm being mistreated.

I was true to myself in two ways, I stuck to my guns, because I know what I deserve, and I was true to myself, because I was kind, in the only way I really can be, in supporting him to help himself. It's all scary, and I don't think I've processed the emotions yet, but I'm hoping this all works out for the better, I'm exhausted from fighting all the time, but I have to do, what I have to do. I can't keep living like I have.

Thanks for reading.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I'm trying to refrain from responding to myself, as I want to give people time to respond, but I wanted to update here:

So, I feel like I needed to be extreme, to put my foot down hard in this situation, because it was abusive, and so I busted my ass, and stressed myself out a lot, trying to be perfect, and did a lot of extreme stuff towards my Dad, to get his behavior at least tolerable for me, to have space to live. It has been hard to cope, but I think I am in a place where I can deal with things now.

I have paper on my wall, that I will put in my wallet when I leave, that has all the manipulation tactics, and how to respond to them, I wrote out the things I am most grateful for and a simple loving kindness meditation. I do these at night, along with going over the stuff I did right, the mistakes I made, and my plans for the next day. This part of my routine keeps me sane, I do self help in the morning, although less, and have a good routine, it was hard to build all of this, but necessary. I put all of the important items I needed in one box, so that I wasn't panicking, over not finding simple items, which were important to me. This all is my foundation for dealing with this situation.

Now, I am taking the pressure off my Dad, and speaking up, only when necessary. I am pacing and feeling resentment and anger, out in the yard, where the neighbor is, and journaling, because the biggest issue I had was not feeling safe feeling anger in the house and yard and such.

I'm gonna be honest, life has been SO hard, it's been such a struggle. And it's no wonder I struggle to connect to people, when I've been such a hard ass with myself, to deal with my Dad. I am realizing how my overly helpful and once in a while needy behavior towards the pets is hurting them, but the main thing that hurts them is my Dad's minor aggressions towards the dog, that I put my foot down with a lot lately (and some I can't prove), and also my own disregard for them, when I am overwhelmed and coping. Like I woke up the old dog too much to get out front, because I only felt safe there, and it stressed him. And then my cat is getting bipolar messages from me, since I've tried to be perfect to him, and then shut him down, which has been what I've been doing, I was in black and white mode, totally unhealthy. I'm working on it all by being so much more realistic with everyone and tolerant, but still having boundaries and such. It's hard to be so dynamic and in charge of the functionality of the household though, because my Dad is so emotionally inept, and that I have to lead. Still, trying to not control him more than I feel the need to.

Anyways, life has sucked, but I feel a bit of hope now, because of my new realistic expectations, and the structure I have in my life, now I can loosen up, thank god. Everyone in the house is kind of miserable now, but not always, and we all have to deal with some of our misery on our own, which is what we all need, until things return to a balance, as best as they can.

[cranmango]

I have paper on my wall, that I will put in my wallet when I leave, that has all the manipulation tactics, and how to respond to them, I wrote out the things I am most grateful for and a simple loving kindness meditation. I do these at night, along with going over the stuff I did right, the mistakes I made, and my plans for the next day. This part of my routine keeps me sane, I do self help in the morning, although less, and have a good routine, it was hard to build all of this, but necessary. I put all of the important items I needed in one box, so that I wasn't panicking, over not finding simple items, which were important to me. This all is my foundation for dealing with this situation.

Hi NE—this sounds like a healthy coping strategy to me. Has it been helpful for you?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Oh yeah, definitely, it helps a lot Cranmango, it's a great source of security for me. It helps me feel empowered, and not as scared. I haven't had to use the manipulation tactic one as much, because I've been handling things on my own quite well. But if I feel lost, and confused or hurt, I'll go back to it for sure. I also just wrote a list of short term goals, and I am going to do one for long term, to help give me a sense of direciton, these things have helped me in the past.