Didn't I see the red flags

[Newyoungfather]

Hello to all my friends on BPDfamily,
I recently got out of a relationship of whom I suspect my partner of having BPD.  I listed some of them here and was wondering what everyone thinks.
1.  Has little to no friends.  She had no friends who she would see on a regular basis, most of them were family friends.
2.  She claimed her dad was a alcoholic and narcissistic.
3.  She was heavily enmeshed with her mom, I wasn't only dating her but also her mom.  Her mom would call her twice a day to make sure she was alright.  
4.  She states that her parents were very critical of her and that's why she wants everything to be perfect, we could be having such a great time and if one small things happens her emotions would collapse.
5.  Almost every vacation these little things would happen and she would want to then go home.  For instance, I didn't feel like going swimming the one day and she wanted to, so she said I ruined the whole vacation and started to pack her things.
6.  Constant ultimatums, "this won't work if...", nonstop over the smallest things, if our intimate moments were too short or too long.  If I would buy something, if I would go on one small vacation a year with my friends.  Constant ultimatums.
7.  Tit for tat game.  This is something new that I have never read about.  If I did something to perceive to hurt her she would then get spiteful.  For instance she asked at the last moment the one day to go out to dinner and I said I can't I'm in the middle of work.  She then invited her ex husband out to dinner with her because he was available and I was not.
8.  She would constantly brag about how her exes where always contacting her to get her back.  Funny thing is that she would say this shortly after a fight.
9.  Lastly she admitted that when she's hurting she likes to hurt others.  I equate this to being spiteful and vengeful.

Can anyone give some insight on these things, have you noticed them.  I was the one who broke up with her so I know I triggered her abandonment fears.  Just wanted to here from everyone if I did the right things.

[cranmango]

Hey there—Those all sound like pretty significant red flags to any new relationship. How long were you together?

I started dating again recently and have been thinking a lot about red flags to watch out for. #1 on your list is a big one for me, too. I have friends from every phase of life. My uBPDex has none. She charms people in the beginning, but can’t sustain it. Eventually she does something to really hurt them (usually something self-centered and impulsive), and isn’t able to make amends. I’ve seen her chew through a dozen possible friendships over the past few years.

I think gauging the depth of someone’s friendships is a pretty good indicator of their level of social functioning.

[Newyoungfather]

Our relationship was only 10 months, it was very impulsive, breaking up and getting back together, but not acknowledging why the breakup occurred or took responsibility for it.

[cranmango]

Our relationship was only 10 months, it was very impulsive, breaking up and getting back together, but not acknowledging why the breakup occurred or took responsibility for it.

Breakup/makeup cycle—another red flag right there.

[Newyoungfather]

The break up/make up cycle was incredibly stressful, I was walking on eggshells not knowing what would trigger her.

[Turkish]

1 through 5, a little bit 8 and 9 I only learned when I asked her. We were still living together, but but she was with her Beau. I figured that I had nothing to lose so I asked her what she was feeling and thinking when she lashed out (at anybody). She replied, I just want everyone else to feel my pain!

That explained a lot as it's a dysfunctional desperate cry for validation. I wish I'd picked up on that years before.

With her two BFFs from high school, she hardly ever talked to or spent time with even living in the same town. One she cut ties with one on a night after they all drank together and one made a lesbian pass at her (supposedly), but my ex had issues with her since high school. That former friend called me to pick up my ex.

I have 4 BFFs from my teen years, 2 from high school, that I still talk to regularly (though sometimes just by text) 34 years later though 2 are over 100 miles away and 2 are in other states.

I was once talking on the phone to another long time friend not of that cohort and she ridiculed me for being a social butterfly.  

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Turkish,
I find it truly amazing of how everyone's story follows a similar pattern.  When she told me that she wants others to hurt when she hurt made the hairs stand up on my neck.  No empathy for other people's feelings as well.

[Turkish]

My ex would often go into a shame spiral afterwards. In that last year, the pattern would be to awaken on a Saturday morning, where I'd already been up for hours taking care of the kids and doing laundry, and she'd go into cleaning rampage mode. Then she'd go out for a run to calm herself down and sometimes admit to me later that she hated how she acted in front of me and the kids. Notice the lack of an apology... she wanted validation. I was so sick of it.

[Newyoungfather]

The one thing I picked up on was the shame part after the deregulation but there was never any sorry or apologies.

[jaded7]

The one thing I picked up on was the shame part after the deregulation but there was never any sorry or apologies.

Never any apologies- for long nights belittling me, explosions on the phone when we were just having a normal conversations, for calling me names, for last minute cancellations over and over again, for ghosting, for ditching me over the holidays by suddenly going awol, not returning calls or texts for days, then packing up and slipping out of town for Christmas without a word.

I did sense -shame-a little bit. But not once "Jaded7, I'm sorry for..." Even when I pointed out her to that the yelling really bothered me "I regret that"- not an apology. Or when I pointed out that her ignoring my calls and texts for days or even a week was hurtful, dehumanizing an confusing since she said she loved me..."I can acknowledge that...but you..." and then 50 minutes of how she spending time with her friends since they "understand her life" and how I was an uncultured person, didn't go to movies, didn't follow Megan Markle, etc etc. Notice how she admitted she was ignoring, and believed that 'spending time with friends' was a reasonable explanation?

Not once "Jaded7...I'm sorry..."

[Don Gato]

  @Newyoungfath,  sounds like she had a bit too much narcissist in her i.e. "wanted to hurt people"
Borderlines are the emotional lava lamps of the Cluster B Disorders, but not usually vengeful. I'll bet money your ex had comorbidity with NPD like mine.
I think Turkish mentioned "shame spiral" that is exactly what this is all about. NPD's go the extra mile to hurt someone close to them because they cannot accept losing control and feeling powerless. They have to remain superior to you. That is how the toxic shame inside made them who they are as adults.
Un-ironically my rollercoaster ride also lasted exactly 10 months too. Just be glad yours didn't try to destroy you with an unjust protection order like mine did, and trust me I've read even worse post discard scenarios than that. At least now we know what to look for. Heal and be well my friend.  

[yellowbutterfly]

I agree, my stbxH uBPD exhibited a lot of these behaviors. Both BPD and NPD and possibly more. I am sorry you are going through this but you found a great support group. This website has been my rock for many months now!

[SinisterComplex]

The one thing I picked up on was the shame part after the deregulation but there was never any sorry or apologies.

There won't be any sorry or apologies either. That is the part that sucks. It is par for the course though.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-