How have you coped with less time around your kids?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am slowly starting to think divorcing my wife is better for me but I can’t find any way to even put myself at ease with not seeing my kids 50% of the time. I have a good job and I enjoy it however the only joy I have is my kids and I can’t even fathom waking up in a house without them. Need some guidance here as that’s really the only reason I’m hanging in this miserable life with my wife.

[Husband2014]

I am slowly starting to think divorcing my wife is better for me but I can’t find any way to even put myself at ease with not seeing my kids 50% of the time. I have a good job and I enjoy it however the only joy I have is my kids and I can’t even fathom waking up in a house without them. Need some guidance here as that’s really the only reason I’m hanging in this miserable life with my wife.

[zachira]

It is a really tough decision to divorce when you have children. How old are your children? Some fathers decide to stay married until the children are old enough to be able to be part of the decision making as to which parent will get major custody. Some fathers wait until their children are adults until they initiate divorce proceedings. There are fathers who decide that it is better to divorce so their children will have some time away from their disordered parent and be in a place where they feel safe when they are with their father. It might be helpful now to consult a divorce lawyer even though you have not decided whether to divorce so you can have the documentation that will give you the best chances of getting the custody of the children that is in yours and the children's best interests if you do decide to divorce.

[Husband2014]

Thank you. Kids are 6 and 2 so still fairly young.  I have already contacted one lawyer but didn’t like her (not because of what she said but just didn’t like interacting with her) and I’m calling another one tomorrow.

I was actually pleasantly surprised I get to at least get 50%. Ideally I’d like to make it 70/30 but I know that’s a tough ask in court.

[zachira]

Sometimes, it can take interviewing different lawyers before you find the right one. Personally, I find calling any type of lawyer who is highly recommended to get recommendations for the best lawyers, in your case the best divorce lawyers.
You are right that your children are easily malleable because of their ages, to what is known as parent alienation.
Bill Eddy has written a good book on divorcing a high conflict person.
If you have the right documentation, you may get a lot more custody than you anticipate, though not necessarily in the beginning.

[Husband2014]

Thank you for the advice. What’s example documentation that the court would deem acceptable? I have a laundry list of insulting text messages of just insult after insult and awful language along with our therapist have seen them because I sent them to her.

[Trying123]

Less time with my kids was really hard initially. I would say the first year was the worst with getting used to only seeing them 50% of the time and missing milestone days, such as birthdays and off holidays. My kids were 7 and 2 when my ex and I divorced and initially we did the 2/2/3 arrangement. After our youngest started kindergarten we started to go weekly. That was another adjustment for me, not seeing my kids for an entire week at a time. However, now my youngest is in 4th grade and it’s just life. We make the best of the time we have. Granted, my ex is a really good dad and I’ve never worried about the time our kids spend with him.

[ForeverDad]

Enjoy whatever time you can get since it will be your exclusive time which your stbEx will not not overshadow.

Courts may view her conflict and misbehavior with you (the adult relationship) as a less than urgent matter and view her misbehavior with the kids (parental relationship with minor children) as the more crucial matter.  So while you can certainly list it all, do list how the children are negatively impacted first.  The children will be the court's priority.

I was more or less clueless when I had repeated hearings in court.  I recall one time I prepared myself, wrote a paragraph on each outstanding issue, made a copy for my lawyer and still walked out frustrated with myself.  Why?  I grouped my concerns and incidents by topic and not by priority.  All the hearings were as always too short and of the 11 items only 1, 2, 3 were addressed.  I had some major ones further down the list that we never addressed.  Lesson learned:  Sort by priority since you'll never have enough time to litigate everything.

[zondolit]

Not being with my children all the time was a huge hurdle for me when I began to consider divorce. I finally came to the very difficult conclusion that I'd rather be with them half the time when I could be the parent I want to be instead of all the time but in an environment of tension, hostility, and feeling ham-strung. It got bad enough I felt I had to do something just to try to stop the confusion I suspect my children were experiencing.

I am enjoying more time for myself--to exercise, read, work (I like my work), see friends. However, I do grieve not being with my children all the time. 

[Turkish]

When my ex moved out, I had the kids for a few days. We were still negotiating joint time, 3-2-2-3 (3s being weekends) at the time, and did this schedule until the stipulation was agreed upon and signed by the court a few months later.

At first, it killed me emotionally, especially since I'd been the primary caregiver to our then 1 and 3 year Olds for the better part of a year while Mommy had been phoning it in and acting like a teen mom. I sat in the house I'd only bought for my family, having previously been a nomad even moving from state to state, and thought, what do I do now?

The first month, the kids told their grandma (my ex's mom) that they wanted to go home with me rather than being picked up by their own mother. That may have shocked the ex-laws as Motherhood is deified in Hispanic culture.

It took many months but I got used to it. I wish I'd had the foresight to at least get a dog.

Since my ex and her Beau were into an MLM, and I excused his magical thinking being only 21 or 22, I took the kids more time all that I could. They were taking trips to motivational seminars.

Even almost 10 years later, I'm still on occasion accused of being Disney Dad though not that term. My ex vented to me that she was frustrated that she'd complain about me to the kids and that "they always defend you!" Lol. Maybe take a hint and knock it off?

I know I'm not mentally ill. She's not diagnosed with BPD, but is for Anxiety and Depression. I have some sympathy for her struggles, but I'm not going to believe that I'm a lesser dad/parent merely because of how she might on occasion view me. Based also on how I've treated her, not adverserially, she has on occasion expressed thankfulness to me as a parent.

There will be struggles and disagreements, but if you even have half time, that time will be your own. Value it. Your kids will adjust. It's harder for parents, I think.

[zachira]

Regarding documentation, keep everything you have that shows what has happened in addition to a diary. I would go online or talk with a lawyer to really learn what the most credible acceptable forms of documentation are.

[Couscous]

It will likely be a bit of an adjustment at first, but it's important that you have friends, activities and interests that fill your life so that not being around kids doesn't leave such a big whole. In my state non-custodial parents only get every other week-end and one afternoon a week, and I don't think that deters anybody from getting divorced because 50-50 custody is not deemed to be in the best interests of children. Although this would probably not apply when the mother has BPD...

You were fine before you had kids, and you will be fine with less time around them.

[Turkish]

50-50 custody is not deemed to be in the best interests of children

That's >15 years ago thinking. Where is joint custody thought of as bad?

[Turkish]

It only occurred to me tonight but I should have gotten a puppy. I did like 7 years later. The kids love her and I initially got static from mommy, something like Lucy from Peanuts "dog germs!" But me and the kids love our muttley, and she's good companionship when the kids aren't here.

S13's favorite people: dog, me, Mommy, sister.

D11's favorite people: me, dog, Mommy, brother.

[Couscous]

That's >15 years ago thinking. Where is joint custody thought of as bad?

In my state this is the currently the thinking:

Because the court’s primary focus is on preserving stability for the children, the court will order a parenting plan that ensures that the children spend most residential time with their primary parent. This typically results in the non-primary parent having some version of an every-other-weekend visitation schedule.

[ForeverDad]

When I separated, court was gracious enough to default me to it's concept of dad's alternate weekends.  After the first temp order was dismissed, my then separated spouse blocked all my contact with my preschooler for 3 months.  So I was left with one alternative, I filed for divorce.  When we finally had our first hearing, court was again gracious enough to grant me alternate weekends yet again (no consequences for stbEx nor make-up time for son and me).  It was a grueling two year divorce but finally the final decree ordered equal time.  The Custody Evaluator was firm that a 2-2-3 (or 2-2-5-5 two week) schedule was best for young children.

Actually, CE's preliminary report stated we ought to try equal time first but if it failed then I was to have custody.  That was before she acted out yet again to try to make me look worse than her, but failed.  The CE's final report was sealed once we settled on Trial Day so I don't know whether the CE changed the proposed summary.

Despite having reduced time for the first two years, I rejoiced that - despite the sad end to the marriage - my time with my son was MY time.  Though court was glacially slow to correct the initial inequities, eventually I did end up with custody, then majority time and now that he has aged out of the System thus far he has lived with me.

Yes I regret the marriage imploded, but it was for the best that whatever time I had with my son was MY time.

In my state this is the currently the thinking:

Because the court’s primary focus is on preserving stability for the children, the court will order a parenting plan that ensures that the children spend most residential time with their primary parent. This typically results in the non-primary parent having some version of an every-other-weekend visitation schedule.

That was my state's policy too nearly two decades ago.  Sadly, it also granted judges to have discretion with default unwritten preference for mothers to be primary parent and ignored who was the problem parent.  As my lawyer told me, "After all, the temp order is only temporary."  My frustrated reply was, "Two years is not temporary!"  It might have changed a little since then, my county's optional guideline changed so that children under ten years of age are recommended to have frequent exchanges between parents.