Moving forward but got sucked back - feeling guilty

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

A few months ago, I posted here about my discard/breakup with my ex with diagnosed BPD. It was really hard, but I went no contact, started therapy, and slowly started digging myself out of the hole I was in. I started to feel more social, saw friends, and was just getting back to myself. I did get a few late night calls from my ex but I never answered. There were some hover attempts, but I stayed strong and did not engage until...last week. My ex sent a long Facebook message. It was worrisome, I thought he may hurt himself. So I called him. Which led to us hanging out (and more). And us now having contact. He said how he missed me. And just needed to see me and didn't understand why I cut him out. He does not understand why it has to be all or nothing. So now I'm beating myself up. I was doing so well with no contact. Now I feel manipulated and used. My ex wants to remain in contact (not get back together). Is this a recycle or him just getting the benefits of my company without commitment. He wants to text and hang out like we did before. But no relationship. He said he missed my friendship; we were best friends. I know it's wrong, but I miss him. I know I deserve more and someone who can commit. But I feel like I am not strong enough to go no contact a second time. I am not sure how to proceed and have been beating myself up for opening contact. Feels like I took ten steps forward and then just went back straight back to square one.

[Anon1195]

A few months ago, I posted here about my discard/breakup with my ex with diagnosed BPD. It was really hard, but I went no contact, started therapy, and slowly started digging myself out of the hole I was in. I started to feel more social, saw friends, and was just getting back to myself. I did get a few late night calls from my ex but I never answered. There were some hover attempts, but I stayed strong and did not engage until...last week. My ex sent a long Facebook message. It was worrisome, I thought he may hurt himself. So I called him. Which led to us hanging out (and more). And us now having contact. He said how he missed me. And just needed to see me and didn't understand why I cut him out. He does not understand why it has to be all or nothing. So now I'm beating myself up. I was doing so well with no contact. Now I feel manipulated and used. My ex wants to remain in contact (not get back together). Is this a recycle or him just getting the benefits of my company without commitment. He wants to text and hang out like we did before. But no relationship. He said he missed my friendship; we were best friends. I know it's wrong, but I miss him. I know I deserve more and someone who can commit. But I feel like I am not strong enough to go no contact a second time. I am not sure how to proceed and have been beating myself up for opening contact. Feels like I took ten steps forward and then just went back straight back to square one.

[Newyoungfather]

I can understand how you feel, I'm going through the same thing right now.  I remember other members telling me, when I first joined this forum years ago, that setting boundaries with an ex bpd is better if your not strong enough to go no contact, or get yourself an accountability partner, someone you trust, it could even be someone on this message board or us entirely to keep you where you want to be.  I also remind myself why the reasons the break up occurred: lying, constant fighting, splitting, vengefulness, etc.  Normal relations are full of love not control and abuse.  Hope this helps.

[OKrunch]

Hello and sadly welcome back,

It sounds to me like he might even be testing the waters to see if you would again give the all or nothing ultimatum.
To see how much you are still emotionally invested.

I can sympathize, I've been discarded thrice, and I went in with recycles twice. I totally empathize with what you say about wanting them but knowing better. Cognitive dissonance at work, you are remembering the good things because they feel good. Recall the whole picture.

[cranmango]

Anon—I’m right there with you. I have been in low contact with my uBPDex for 9 months. We work together so I can’t do full NC, but I have kept all other contact to a minimum. Recently they pulled me into their office, ostensibly to schedule a meeting about a shared project. Within *seconds* I was reassuring them that I wouldn’t abandon them, and they were telling me funny stories about the dogs we shared. The whole conversation couldn’t have been more than two minutes.

When I walked out, it was bewildering. I’ve tried so hard to maintain my boundaries. And with the slightest opening my ex slips right in.

Afterward I felt so used and manipulated, and I was beating myself up. My T reframed it for me. She said it’s not about perfectly maintaining boundaries every time. It’s about practicing, and giving myself credit. My little conversation could have turned into a big conversation, and it could have quickly spiraled. But it didn’t, and I walked away. Good enough for now.

My guess is that your ex is very skilled at knowing exactly what to say to get a response from you. What does your ex get from continued contact with you? What do you get out of it?

[Rev]

Hey Anon,

Not going to add too much because the members who are reaching out to you have been there recently.  All I'm going to say is try to go easy on yourself. We've all been there.

As my own therapist said - "Rev. It's much easier to get into a relationship than it is to get out of one."

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Couscous]

So now I'm beating myself up. I was doing so well with no contact.

This happens to the best of us, so please don’t beat yourself up.

If you are able to go no contact again, you can set yourself up for success by blocking him on your social media accounts, phone and email, and maybe change your phone number just to be extra cautious. Attending 12 step meetings can also be very helpful. All the best to you.