What is the reason behind a pwBPD criticising?

[Bella2798]

I've thought about it a lot, but I'm at a loss for words. I thought maybe sharing it can help me.

I'm aware that some of my partner's criticisms have some roots within himself. He once said that I was so disgusting because I was always clingy, and I knew that he couldn't stop sharing stuff (music, memes, etc) with a friend who had severely hurt him (and rejected him the moment he needed their support the most). He hated himself for that, so he projected that hatred onto me.

When he criticizes my vocabulary, I find that to be the hardest to understand. We've argued about this, which may seem funny. All of the arguments took place when he was in discomfort, so I'm not sure if it also makes him angry when he's not feeling so stressed.

But my question is, why do my words seem so triggering to him? What do they have that make him "cringe out"?
Sometimes I use some words that he thinks people don't use in everyday life, and it drives him mad. But the problem is I can't find the pattern with the words.

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[thankful person]

I just feel that I just can’t get it right. And no matter what I do will be wrong so may as well not bother trying to please my wife. In our case, I become too animated when discussing things and it makes my wife feel so stressed. But I can’t help it, it’s just my personality. She hates me talking about work, at all, ever, but constantly complains that she’d like more money as I’m the only one working. I talk to her about it because she likes to know and agree to me taking on anything new, because of childcare arrangements etc. She wants me to make her feel desired but I’m not allowed to be affectionate or touch her or talk about her body but I’m supposed to say something I don’t know what. I am on the verge of giving up. I don’t know what I mean by that I just felt like saying it.

[Notwendy]

But my question is, why do my words seem so triggering to him? What do they have that make him "cringe out"?

BPD involves a disorder of attachment. It's common that the pwBPD will have the most difficult behaviors with the people closest to them. It's hard on the people close to them because we are the ones who are more emotionally invested in this. It's understandable to wonder - how can my person with BPD be so nice to their friends and yet so mean to me sometimes, as if there's something about us that makes them do that but it's not about that. It's that the the relationship feels both secure and the most vulnerable to them so they feel more comfortable acting out with it and also more likely to project their feelings on the closest person.

You are the intimate partner and so, become the one he's going to act out with most and project on to. If the pwBPD has been mistreated even as a child, they may act out that conflict with their intimate partner- the partner becomes the abuser to them, in their feelings, or the one who neglected or abandoned them. It's frustrating to play the role of their villain, especially when we are not the person who hurt them, but in their own feelings they are replaying this.

It could be your words, your tone of voice, your hair, or even just being there. With my own BPD mother, it seems that just my presence leads her to put me in the persecutor role. I can visit with good intentions, try to be helpful, do nice things and then, she will tell me what I did to upset her- she will misinterpret something and make her own meaning out of it.

Your words trigger him because, basically you trigger him, because you are his most intimate connection.

On your part, it's understandable that you are trying to understand the mean things he says to you and somehow do something to stop that. However, it may have absolutely nothing to do with you except that you are his person to do this with, and you want to be this special person for him. Consider that the actual reason has nothing to do with you but his own feelings that change. Since you want to stay with this person, considering all he says to you and feeling badly about it is making you unhappy. For him, unloading his feelings on to someone else makes him feel better. So you might consider not taking his words as personal and finding some way to be happy in this relationship because taking his words as personal and wondering why isn't making you happy. I bet if you asked him why he said these things, he may not even know. He doesn't have to have a reason, other than he felt uncomfortable and to him, made it about you. But just because he does that does not make it true.

[Bella2798]

I just feel that I just can’t get it right. And no matter what I do will be wrong so may as well not bother trying to please my wife. In our case, I become too animated when discussing things and it makes my wife feel so stressed. But I can’t help it, it’s just my personality. She hates me talking about work, at all, ever, but constantly complains that she’d like more money as I’m the only one working. I talk to her about it because she likes to know and agree to me taking on anything new, because of childcare arrangements etc. She wants me to make her feel desired but I’m not allowed to be affectionate or touch her or talk about her body but I’m supposed to say something I don’t know what. I am on the verge of giving up. I don’t know what I mean by that I just felt like saying it.

Thanks for sharing that with me. I think I really needed to hear this. I've been hysterically looking through websites which have "free trained listener" to calm myself down, but only made a fool of myself because it seemed like I'm the only one experiencing all the stuff like this.

She wants me to make her feel desired but I’m not allowed to be affectionate or touch her or talk about her body but I’m supposed to say something I don’t know what.

I feel this with my whole mind and body. It seems there's always something wrong with me when he's in this irritated mood. No matter how much I pay attention, there will be something I miss and then a disaster happens. He says he craves more intimacy with me and he wants me to share more of deeper stuff with him, but I know I might regret because either he'll feel much pain and sadness for me and my problems, or it'll end up like "I have enough problems myself, I don't want more!". I can't meet his expectations even if I split into 10 Bellas.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can see you put a lot of effort and energy into taking care of things and of yourself, and I think you're so strong. I just wish everything gets better for you, because you really deserve the greatest.

[Bella2798]

BPD involves a disorder of attachment. It's common that the pwBPD will have the most difficult behaviors with the people closest to them. It's hard on the people close to them because we are the ones who are more emotionally invested in this. It's understandable to wonder - how can my person with BPD be so nice to their friends and yet so mean to me sometimes, as if there's something about us that makes them do that but it's not about that. It's that the the relationship feels both secure and the most vulnerable to them so they feel more comfortable acting out with it and also more likely to project their feelings on the closest person.

You are the intimate partner and so, become the one he's going to act out with most and project on to. If the pwBPD has been mistreated even as a child, they may act out that conflict with their intimate partner- the partner becomes the abuser to them, in their feelings, or the one who neglected or abandoned them. It's frustrating to play the role of their villain, especially when we are not the person who hurt them, but in their own feelings they are replaying this.

It could be your words, your tone of voice, your hair, or even just being there. With my own BPD mother, it seems that just my presence leads her to put me in the persecutor role. I can visit with good intentions, try to be helpful, do nice things and then, she will tell me what I did to upset her- she will misinterpret something and make her own meaning out of it.

Your words trigger him because, basically you trigger him, because you are his most intimate connection.

On your part, it's understandable that you are trying to understand the mean things he says to you and somehow do something to stop that. However, it may have absolutely nothing to do with you except that you are his person to do this with, and you want to be this special person for him. Consider that the actual reason has nothing to do with you but his own feelings that change. Since you want to stay with this person, considering all he says to you and feeling badly about it is making you unhappy. For him, unloading his feelings on to someone else makes him feel better. So you might consider not taking his words as personal and finding some way to be happy in this relationship because taking his words as personal and wondering why isn't making you happy. I bet if you asked him why he said these things, he may not even know. He doesn't have to have a reason, other than he felt uncomfortable and to him, made it about you. But just because he does that does not make it true.

This is exactly as you say. He doesn't even know why he does this, he's even clueless about his splitting behavior. He said once that maybe when he's in a very bad depressing mood, he needs to cut me off to feel a bit lighter.

It now kind of makes sense that why he did that to me. Just before reacting to my words, he told me "why do all of your reactions seem fake?" Like I've made him upset with reacting more and care enough (we were talking about his cooking!)
Thanks a lot for the explaining. I wrote down somewhere this sentence of yours so that I can remind it to myself:

Your words trigger him because, basically you trigger him, because you are his most intimate connection. It could be your words, your tone of voice, your hair, or even just being there.

For him, unloading his feelings on to someone else makes him feel better.

And also it made my mind more clear. We talked a bit on instagram about him exploring what is wrong with him, and he said I don't answer you because I don't want the breakup to be harder than it is for you. And I told him I understand and this is thoughtful of him. Plus, I totally understand. I'm fine and there's no need to worry about me because I know things are hard for him these days. And he replied like "no, my situation is very fine!"
Just a moment ago, he had put +3 stories about how he wishes to die sooner because life is unfair and every now and then things happen that makes him hate life even more!

[LifewithEase]

NotWendy is one of the wisest:

Your words trigger him because, basically you trigger him, because you are his most intimate connection.

I generally can not do, be, write, say anything correctly. The days are full of double binds and emotional landmines. My mistakes are weaponized. Constantly shifting expectations and rules. Nothing is ever good enough.

I've learned very well (over time) to let it bounce off of me. Become more mindful (you'll see the words & actions of the BPD in a non-emotional and insightful way). Be at peace with yourself. Fulfill the expectation you want for yourself. I never thought I would get to this point but I have.

I do not own her dysregulation.

[Amina]

The emotional unstable person in my life feels/thinks usually the littlest thing is "needy."  It is so utterly laughable from an outsider/objective perspective, but he also has an attachment disorder or BPD is an attachment disorder stemming from long before we knew them.

[Don Gato]

   The criticism comes from the narcissistic side of BPD.
Narcissists (NPD) individuals use passive aggressiveness, belittling, back handed compliments, and criticisms to maintain superiority and control of their intimate partners. Keep in mind most people diagnosed with BPD have comorbidity with other disorders in the same B cluster, and one of the most common is NPD. I've seen figures based on statistics of up to 40%.
So that is my guess as to what you are dealing with. For example one day my BPD/NPD ex texted me out of the blue and complained I made the coffee wrong for her. This was four days after! A normal woman would have appreciated the kind gesture and not pointed that out. Another time I gave her an orchid flower, and she said later it looked like I pulled it from a dumpster which of course hurt my feelings.This disorder combination can be very vindictive and hold long grudges for things you may not have even realized triggered and upset them. They can either act out and explode on you all of a sudden, or dole out their punishment in little increments over time in a much more passive aggressive way, so you don't even notice and that is how trauma bonds develop. 

I've thought about it a lot, but I'm at a loss for words. I thought maybe sharing it can help me.

I'm aware that some of my partner's criticisms have some roots within himself. He once said that I was so disgusting because I was always clingy, and I knew that he couldn't stop sharing stuff (music, memes, etc) with a friend who had severely hurt him (and rejected him the moment he needed their support the most). He hated himself for that, so he projected that hatred onto me.

When he criticizes my vocabulary, I find that to be the hardest to understand. We've argued about this, which may seem funny. All of the arguments took place when he was in discomfort, so I'm not sure if it also makes him angry when he's not feeling so stressed.

But my question is, why do my words seem so triggering to him? What do they have that make him "cringe out"?
Sometimes I use some words that he thinks people don't use in everyday life, and it drives him mad. But the problem is I can't find the pattern with the words.

[Frustrated38]

I do not own her dysregulation.

Think I am going to repeat this mantra internally, the next time my wife is screaming at me for no good reason. Thank you very much.

[thankful person]

Something happened today which was actually funny to me because of my complete lack of emotional investment in it. My wife had been going on about an April Fool’s day trick she had planned for some time (traditionally people do pranks on the 1st April). I read about 30 years ago that you could cut up a banana inside using a needle and thread without peeling the skin off. I finally decided to try it last night. I had not told her I had anything planned as it is actually supposed to be an unexpected event. This morning D3 brought the two bananas to my wife for her to open for the two girls. My wife was like, “that looks disgusting! There’s something wrong with it!” (You could see black dots where my needle went in and out!) She was not going to open it so I did. The trick has worked but the banana has gone all mushy. My wife did not recognise that this was a weird thing and just thought there was something wrong with the banana. “April Fool!” I cried triumphantly just like my mother used to. My wife was not impressed. I thought maybe she’d seen it on TikTok, but no, it just wasn’t clever or funny and she didn’t get it. Why didn’t I tell her I planned it? Why ruin the children’s food? Why make it all about the kids? I had ruined her plans apparently. I laughed inside, vowing to never bother again (as you maybe can tell I’m not a prank kind of person…) But after 30 years of planning this one I’m glad I wasn’t disappointed. My daughter didn’t think much of it either. But I don’t have to be upset about it hahaha, I actually thought it went quite well.

[Bella2798]

Something happened today which was actually funny to me because of my complete lack of emotional investment in it. My wife had been going on about an April Fool’s day trick she had planned for some time (traditionally people do pranks on the 1st April). I read about 30 years ago that you could cut up a banana inside using a needle and thread without peeling the skin off. I finally decided to try it last night. I had not told her I had anything planned as it is actually supposed to be an unexpected event. This morning D3 brought the two bananas to my wife for her to open for the two girls. My wife was like, “that looks disgusting! There’s something wrong with it!” (You could see black dots where my needle went in and out!) She was not going to open it so I did. The trick has worked but the banana has gone all mushy. My wife did not recognise that this was a weird thing and just thought there was something wrong with the banana. “April Fool!” I cried triumphantly just like my mother used to. My wife was not impressed. I thought maybe she’d seen it on TikTok, but no, it just wasn’t clever or funny and she didn’t get it. Why didn’t I tell her I planned it? Why ruin the children’s food? Why make it all about the kids? I had ruined her plans apparently. I laughed inside, vowing to never bother again (as you maybe can tell I’m not a prank kind of person…) But after 30 years of planning this one I’m glad I wasn’t disappointed. My daughter didn’t think much of it either. But I don’t have to be upset about it hahaha, I actually thought it went quite well.

I really find it great that you don't play along with your wife's burst of emotions and don't get upset over reactions!
My partner's reactions affect my mood (and sometimes even my likes and dislikes) a lot, but I'm learning to not let this happen.
I just get that part on "not being clever/funny enough"!
Good prank btw :D

[thankful person]

I really find it great that you don't play along with your wife's burst of emotions and don't get upset over reactions!
My partner's reactions affect my mood (and sometimes even my likes and dislikes) a lot, but I'm learning to not let this happen.
I just get that part on "not being clever/funny enough"!
Good prank btw :D

Thanks Bella, the support I’ve had from bpd family has made a huge difference to my taking away my wife’s right and power to upset me whenever she wants to. Kells asked me once, why do you feel you don’t deserve to be happy? It really got me thinking and I started treating myself to small things. We all love to be looked after, but actually it’s also lovely to look after yourself, as Miley Cyrus says, “I can buy myself flowers”. (This is particularly funny to me because the last time I bought my wife flowers, she accused me of buying them for myself, getting a shade of flowers that I liked and she didn’t…) okayyyy, I like all flowers actually. Anyway, I noticed that I decided to enjoy the flowers, rather than feeling sad and guilty looking at them, or offering to throw them away so we could both forget about them (I have done this before for her).