Sibiling w/Bpd while healing from trauma

[Seamoon]

Hi everyone,

I grew up in a monoparental family with my mother and my little brother. My father (who is probably on the spectrum of NPD) abandoned us when I was 5, and my brother only 6 months old. We've lived with a codependent mother who has been depressed and anxious for most of her life, carrying transgenerational trauma that has not been healed until the present moment. We did, however, stay for short periods of time with my extended family. In that environment, we were gaslighted by my grandmother, belittled and made fun of by other members of our family. Additionally, we have also maintained on and off contact with my father, who has caused us much harm over this entire period of time.

While I'm presently healing from trauma, recognizing my own abandonment wounds and making positive changes (I'm now 24), my brother's situation has severely disintegrated to the point where my mother and I are living in a constant hell. He has battled depression ever since he was in high-school, but his mental state has deteriorated when I left to study in another country in 2021. When I came back home last spring, being in the lowest point in my life (my relationship failed, gave up that degree etc.), my brother has tried as best as he could to turn my life into an even worse nightmare. I'm constantly feeling like he's punishing me for having "abandoned" him when I chose to temporarily move out. I learned that he has bpd last summer, when he tried to take his own life and got diagnosed in the hospital. All of a sudden, everything made sense. For him, I am both his "goddess" (whatever that means) and his most brutal aggressor - there is no in between. He has always idealized me and he identified himself with me to the point where he appropriated my hobbies and my passions, my aesthetic, my taste in music, books and so on. Even when I didn't know he is suffering so much I deemed it very curious that he could not help but use my own mannerisms or what I liked and desired. In his view, I'm the intelligent, ambitious, creative one, and however much I tried to help him see himself and his talents, everything just comes back to me like a sharp blade aimed right at my throat.

As I previously mentioned, I've started the complex process of healing last year, and I'm finally starting to slowly but steadily build a life for myself. However, I'm still clueless about how to deal with my brother at home in a way that allows me to continue healing in peace. He started to use drugs and hangs out with people who are very abusive towards him. He turned away from me and started to idealize another girl with I assume very prominent narcissistic traits who uses him. He is thinking of dropping out of university, and all that he does is get high, drink alcohol and have sex. When he comes home, any little word or remark on our part is taken as a life-threatening accusation by him. Because my mother is too afraid to lose him, I have to take a stand and confront him, and this has ended with fights, things broken and physical violence. If he asks me to offer him a suggestion one day, the next day he mixes all my words in a way that makes me the villain or uses what I say against me. For instance, I've recently started going to church and ever since then he's been calling me "conservative and obtuse", asking me "where has my sister gone". I'm sick and tired of this constant abuse that happens every 2-3 days. I'm on my way to making enough money to move out, but my heart breaks for my mother as she has to endure all of this on her own.

Right now, my own healing process has slowed down due to the fact that I have to put up with this emotional and sometimes physical abuse every week. However much I try to continue my life as it is, an episode like that leaves me dysregulated, drained and without any appetite for life. Although I try again and again to show him what my boundaries are, they are trampled upon until he suddenly comes back to reality and realizes what he's done. I would like to know if any of you have been dealing with a family member w/bpd while healing, and how you managed to do so in a manner that allowed you to build your path towards your new life.

Thank you so much in advance.

[Older sister]

Really tough, what you’re going through. I have been self-designated (and family-designated) as my BPD sister’s “helper” most of my adult life, and I am in my early 60s. The chaos caused by a sibling’s BPD is also serious trauma. It can suck years from your life. If you can move, do. Then go grey rock or low contact, with the help of a good therapist. That may sound cruel, but think of yourself as a non swimmer with a single life preserver in choppy water, and your brother as a violently thrashing non swimmer….what’s going to happen when he has hold of you? You can only work on your own healing. I wish I had done this decades ago. I was discarded by my sister recently after years of emotional and financial support, including supporting her husband and kids when she nearly killed herself. Really made me question what good all of it did, for either of us. In a very real way, she has done me a favor.  When in contact with her, all my focus was on her needs.  Now I am free to take care of myself. I feel far more compassionate towards myself and my family of origin, now that I am out of that relationship.