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Author Topic: I finally had enough  (Read 503 times)
grootyoda
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated and Divorcing
Posts: 88


« on: March 22, 2023, 12:12:40 PM »

I have been posting on the “bettering the relationship” board on and off for a while now, but things never got better, and the last three months finally pushed me over the edge. There were multiple inappropriate relationships between my pwBPD and her customers at work that, at best, were near affairs. There was one customer who she really got way too close with, who ended up being very unstable himself. Over the course of about 4-5 days  she skipped work to go to the place he was renting, tried to talk me into having him over at our house where our young child lives, took pictures of herself in clothes he gave her, spent some portion of Sunday morning with him while I went to church with our child, then took me to a show with him on a work night, at which point it became very clear to me that he was not ok and potentially dangerous. The next day he went into the bathroom with her at her work, at which point she finally decided he was a “stalker” and had her coworkers kick him out. Then she had the police come to our home to check her car (she gave him her keys to put some things in it), and got her boss at work involved. At that point, her boss asked for any text messages they exchanged so he could document their interactions. She refused, and I found out why shortly thereafter. The guy sent me all their text history out of nowhere, and it clearly showed that they had been mutually involved in a lot of inappropriate conversations, as well as planning out excuses for the day she skipped work to go see him.

So that was a big deal, but a few weeks later she told me she had been running out of one of her medications early in the month (a benzo) and thought she was experiencing withdrawals. This made a lot of sense, because she does have a history of alcohol and substance abuse. She had become pretty nonfunctional during the last two weeks of each of the past few months, so she called her doctor and talked to her about it. Her doctor put her on an antipsychotic, but a few days later my pwBPD changed her story and said that her benzos were fine to take and the only thing that helped her anxiety, and that she actually had found some she’d lost, and that her doctor said she didn’t really need the antipsychotic. This was after she started acting very off one night and accidentally let it slip that it was because she’d taken a benzo.

At this point I decided it was time to put some serious boundaries down. I told her I needed her to go to a meeting and talk to her sponsor (she hadn’t done so in years), document her current treatment plan, and inventory all the medications we had access to and get rid of any that one of us was not currently supposed to have. If she couldn’t do that, I would not be able to keep living with her. She agreed that this was a reasonable request, and we did a full review of every medication we had over the course of a night. The next day, however. I found out she had intentionally left off a fresh refill of the benzos that I didn’t know about, and she tried to tell me to just cut her some slack and be understanding. Given that I had made it clear these boundaries were not negotiable, I told her that I had to follow through on them. She stayed at some friends’ house that night, as well as the next, before calling me to demand to see our child (without giving any indication she was following through on the other things I’d asked her to do). She sounded intoxicated, but I couldn’t be sure. Regardless, the next day I decided I had to file for divorce, that this situation was totally unacceptable and I needed to do what I could to protect myself and my daughter.

That was three weeks ago. In the interim, she has managed to spend all the money I agreed she could have from our joint bank account ($12k+), which was astounding to me even with what I know about her impulsivity. We also signed and filed a temporary agreement making me custodian of our child and giving her supervised visits, with my mom as the primary supervisor and provisions for finding another suitable adult in cases where she is unavailable. I thought (and so did my lawyer) we were close to finding an agreement that would secure custody with a path to more “standard” visitation, give my pwBPD reasonable financial terms, etc.

Then she tried to break the visitation agreement, either accidentally or on purpose (who knows). After confirming her next visit with my mom, she unexpectedly texted us to inform us that two of her friends would supervise instead. After checking with my attorney, I replied that the agreement designated my mom as the first supervisor option, then another person we had already named, then another mutually agreed upon adult as a third option. She argued with me via text about it for a bit (asking why I didn’t want these people to be there, why I wouldn’t want them to supervise,etc.), with me very simply replying that I had no issue with these people being there, but that the terms of our agreement meant my mom would need to be the supervisor as she is the first option and had already confirmed her availability. I knew this was not going to really get through to her, but I needed to insist that things we agreed upon, especially legal agreements, had to be respected.

The next morning she texted to inform me that she was no longer willing to negotiate and had told her lawyer she wanted to proceed to discovery and trial. So that’s where we’re at. It really, really sucks, and I feel both very sad about what I’m seeing happen to her, while at the same angry that she is forcing this towards the ugliest end possible. I guess I just want to know that I’m not the only one who has been through this and that it will eventually get better.

The one silver lining has been that time with my child has gotten much much easier. I was already her primary caregiver most nights and weekends, but now it is much easier to be there for her without the additional cloud of chaos that accompanies my pwBPD whenever she is around. I just hope at the end of this my child will be in the best situation for her present and future. I’m willing to do what I need to do to secure that, but any encouragement would be most welcome.
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Amina

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Troubled
Posts: 36


« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2023, 12:34:40 PM »



My partner also needs lots of validation from strangers, though how deeply he is capable of getting involved with any of them is another story, particularly because he also developed a benzo addiction, and has started not remember and for the first time in the 3.5 years that I've known him, has started to "black-out" from benzo and alcohol abuse. 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with the emotionally unstable person.  It is positive that she let you custody of your child, as I have known emotionally unstable people in the past that would do the opposite, despite them not being capable of being proper caregivers.
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grootyoda
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated and Divorcing
Posts: 88


« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2023, 12:41:29 PM »

I’m sorry to hear about the role benzos are playing in your relationship as well. My pwBPD has been on them consistently for about 10 years, during much of which she was also a severe alcoholic. She also is a fairly heavy cannabis user, and at varying times has been dishonest about whether and how much she was using of various medications and substances.

The blackout and memory loss things are very very real, and if I had known just how damaging long term benzo use could be I would have insisted she find another, less addictive,  medication a long time ago. As it is, it’s really hard to tell how much of her behavior is the BPD and how much is substance related, but either way it’s hard to be a partner to someone who doesn’t know or seem to remember a lot of what they do.
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Amina

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Troubled
Posts: 36


« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2023, 02:00:52 PM »

Since I have known him as untreated BPD before the benzo use, I can say benzos are the worst medication I can think of to treat an emotionally unstable person who already has difficulty with reality testing when the facts are presented to them.  Even when not on benzos, splitting and denying the facts when presented with them, or clearly evident otherwise to anyone else present is a prominent feature--and then add benzos and alcohol and they black out and literally can't even remember, let alone deny the facts. Admitting to blacking out would be ok, as opposed to making up a story as to why they did xyz when they were actually blacked out, but if they start admitting they blacked out too many times, then they might have to admit they have a problem...and that is what they struggle to admit. Benzos can also increase suicide and self-harming thoughts, and in my opinion since the benzo use, he has become crueler and more irritable/angry than ever before. 

I've read quite extensively on these subjects, and many BPD actually do best on a low dose of an anti-psychotic, since poor reality testing is a component of psychosis and quasi-psychosis that goes into the disorder.  I'm not sure if that is a conversation to have after you maybe research this with her doctor, if you are able at all to be involved.

I am worried that even with treatment, it might be a struggle to get an accurate diagnosis right away, though once or twice he has said do you think I have BPD, and I refuse to answer that question directly, and tell him that is something he would need to learn in treatment.
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