Just wants me to leave

[Sunflower123]

I'm back again.

He came home from a business trip last night and slept in our bed. Today he worked from home and we went for lunch together. 

I told him that I couldn't go to the realtor appointment he set up for us today. He keeps making them without telling me and then canceling at the last minute because he doesn't want to go alone.

This time he had a full-on temper tantrum. I recently got a temporary job, which is a blessing because I've found it very difficult to get any work for years. He's been using money against me and I've been trying very hard to focus on starting to support myself. I told him I had an online meeting for my new temp work and he told me I better cancel it. He said, "How does it help me if you have a job?"

He still wants to sell our condo (he takes all the money instead of dividing it as we are supposed to) and for me to just leave and get out of his life. He doesn't care that I don't have money or a place to go. I'm trying to rely on him less and get my feet on the ground since I can't really trust his mood swings anymore.

He's mad that I got a temporary job. He threw and broke his glasses. Now he locked himself in his office again. He refuses to pay the bills that are due. He refuses to pay my cell phone bill. I will get paid next month for the job I'm doing. I'm worried about not having a phone. 

I wrote him a short email just letting him know that I love him because in the past this has sometimes helped him come around. He wrote this back, "

"I don’t like you. I put up with you because I have to. The longer this goes the less I like you and at this point I full on hate you. Good job."

I truly don't get what he wants from me at this point except for me to just disappear somehow. Now he's stonewalling me again.

[Sunflower123]

He just sent me this random email:

You are going to have yet another year of just wasting away for no reason.

You are wasting another year of my life forced to be around you and stuck in a tiny room to avoid you.

You have no-one in Sweden who cares about you.

Your brother almost died and you won’t make an effort to be closer to your family.

He could still get suddenly sick and die and what did you do during that time?

Your grandma is being treated like PLEASE READ and you don’t care enough to be there for her.

You have thrown away and continue to throw away the last years you can spend with your grandma for no reason.

You have no life in Sweden.

You could already be living a new life elsewhere with someone who cares about you.

You could have a husband.

You could be traveling the world.

You could be going out and eating at restaurants.

You could have a life.

You could have friends.

You could be happy.

Instead you just waste away and think you are doing something but you are not.

[Sunflower123]

I just feel like I've been punched in the gut again. Now he is continuing to stonewall me. He sent me a list of apartments and told me if I move out ASAP he will help me. I've heard this all before and I can't trust him.

I don't want to leave my home because I'm afraid of what kind of situation I'll end up in if I do. My partner wBPD has become very extreme in his actions towards me this past year. I'm not worried that he will physically harm me, but he is psychologically tormenting me. He hates me for existing at this point. He is no longer caring about my well-being or thinking rationally at all. He is putting me in very bad situations legally.     

This is really affecting me emotionally. My whole body hurts and I feel exhausted. I have dealt with this behavior from my pwBPD for many years, but this is the most intense it's ever been. There are usually much longer breaks in between these severe splits, but this has just been constant up and down and very extreme. It just seems like he really hates me and I'm not sure if he will even split me completely white again.

Has anyone else dealt with this pressure from their BPD to "leave immediately"? How did you handle it? 

[mitten]

Wow, this sounds really anxiety provoking and super hard.  Are you only staying in the relationship because of the financial need?  Are there public resources available to you if you decide to leave and go out on your own?  What would you like to happen realizing he will likely not change enough for this type of behavior to go away?

[Amina]

I'm sorry, and I understand.  My ex-husband was very psychopathic about money, and I never shared a bank account with him. He received thousands of wire transfers of money from family that he hid from me, and when I was in grad school working part-time and struggling to pay my rent, he would demand it before the 1st of the month, even though his family was covering the rent. He did the same for a vacation that he kept threatening that he cancelled until I gave him half of it, and paid both of our airfares.  His family already had given him the money for his birthday! I did have a beautiful vacation despite our unraveling marriage and disconnect, and I started a manuscript, so I try to find resilience within the chaos--obviously this is just one aspect and story of living with his illness.

I could not financially leave him when I wanted to, and the only way it finally happened is that he had a 2nd order of protection placed on him, and he was legally banned from our residence.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you consulted an attorney and found out about your rights?

[Sunflower123]

Have you consulted an attorney and found out about your rights?

Yes, last month I consulted with two different attorneys. They both confirmed that the condo is half mine (market value) and that includes shared belongings in the home, but not bank accounts or other assets. They both also told me that he can not just sell with a realtor without my permission because it is a shared property.

They told me he would have to apply for a property division through the court and he can't just kick me out. There are also several ways for me to stay living here and take over the condo as it's my right.. but that does get a little bit complicated depending on if I'm able to make payments or not when the time comes. If I can't then I think the only option is to sell and take half of the money. I would really like to stay living here which is why I'm desperately trying to make money, and also buy more time so it could be an option.

I don't know if I should share this information with my partner and put all my cards on the table. He's been taking a lot of drastic actions that he usually wouldn't do in the past. I don't know if he knows or not. He sure doesn't want to go to the realtor's appointment to sign the papers by himself. So maybe he knows he legally can't sell without my consent without a property division first. One thing I'm not clear on is that I think in order to file for property division you have to be living apart as that ends the relationship. I'm not 100% sure about this and have to find out.

He is trying to convince me to leave and that he'll "pay" for my apartment. But he could stop paying those bills too and then I'll also be without a home.

He is stonewalling me and refuses to pay the bills including services we get for the condo. He also is buying food only for himself now and saying he'll only help me again if I move out.

This could change because it has many times before, but like I said I feel like it's just gotten more consistent.

[Cat Familiar]

How do you see this playing out in the future?

We could possibly explore your options more fully if we move this thread to the Conflicted Board (with your permission). The Bettering Board is for improving relationships, while the Conflicted Board is for discussion of strategies for staying or leaving.

[Sunflower123]

How do you see this playing out in the future?

We could possibly explore your options more fully if we move this thread to the Conflicted Board (with your permission). The Bettering Board is for improving relationships, while the Conflicted Board is for discussion of strategies for staying or leaving.

Yes, thanks. That sounds good.

[Cat Familiar]

I understand that you have some interconnected issues:
*You are living in a country that is not your home country.
*You jointly own your property
*He has had an ongoing affair, whether it is physical or emotional
*He has made appointments with realtors to sell your property
*He has been living with you, yet apart, shutting himself away in another room
*He has repeatedly told you to leave
*You don’t trust promises that he will help you pay for another place
*You haven’t had a job, but recently you’ve found work
*He has been verbally abusive to you
*You have hoped that what you currently experience is a passing phase
*He has had other times when he’d behave like this, but it would end

What other factors are part of what you are currently experiencing?

[Couscous]

I truly don't get what he wants from me at this point except for me to just disappear somehow.

It kind of sounds to me like he really is done with the relationship, but even if he is not and he’s just splitting, it would be worth physically separating until the split has passed. I’m thinking you probably would qualify to stay at a women’s shelter, and maybe they’d even be able to help you with your employment situation, because being financially dependent on him is not helpful.

Also, did you contribute to paying for mortgage? If not, then perhaps it could make sense to not fight with him for the money from the sale, even though you are legally entitled to half the proceeds.

[ForeverDad]

PwBPD are often known as Blamers.  "It's all your fault" Is the title of one Borderline book.  So it's no wonder that he's being nasty and doing all he can to drive you away.  In this case it's also to his benefit if you are pressured to become virtually homeless and he gets the profits from the sale of your home.  Ponder what is to your benefit and then focus on what you can do and not on what you can't do.

Now and then I've come across quotable quotes that I or others have stated here.

Julia Quinn, "On the Way to the Wedding", chapter 9, page 127
"What I know is how to choose my battles."

Amelia Grey, "A Gentleman Never Tells", chapter 5, page 58
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." — Jonathan Kozol

[Sunflower123]

I understand that you have some interconnected issues:
*You are living in a country that is not your home country.
*You jointly own your property
*He has had an ongoing affair, whether it is physical or emotional
*He has made appointments with realtors to sell your property
*He has been living with you, yet apart, shutting himself away in another room
*He has repeatedly told you to leave
*You don’t trust promises that he will help you pay for another place
*You haven’t had a job, but recently you’ve found work
*He has been verbally abusive to you
*You have hoped that what you currently experience is a passing phase
*He has had other times when he’d behave like this, but it would end

What other factors are part of what you are currently experiencing?

Those are pretty much the main factors, but he stopped the affair completely a few weeks ago. She wanted a serious relationship and he didn't. As far as I know he no longer is in contact with this woman. It doesn't surprise me because it follows all the patterns of the past. He wrote me an email today that I need to leave ASAP and if I don't leave he will sell the condo. If I don't want to sell the condo, I need to start paying him rent to continue living here. I didn't respond to the email. He currently won't talk to me in person, only by email or text.

He is starting to act paranoid about my intentions again, which happened in the past when he split me. During his major episode around this time last year he installed security cameras all around his office and accused me of plotting outrageous things against him and his friends.

He is not happy that I'm looking for work/found temporary work. He said that doesn't help him. He refuses to pay our shared household bills. He is still shutting himself in his office and he will literally run if he has to come out and then shut himself in again. He says I have to leave because he can't live like this hiding in a tiny room. I'm in no way making him do that. That's his own choice. Just before he split me again last week he had been sleeping in our bed again and spending time with me. I've been focusing on myself and my projects and giving him space.     

[ForeverDad]

No, you don't "have to leave", well, unless there is a safety issue or similar.  If you are joint owners then he could be the one to leave.

Yes, a bit simplistic and perhaps impractical too.  But the point is that he is casting this in a light favorable to his own perceptions and wishes.  Reality isn't necessarily what he wants.

[Couscous]

I've read through some of your previous posts and it looks like you've been in this situation numerous times over the years.

If you think you might be ready to put all of this behind you and move on with your life, then what you can do is contact the district court (Tingsrätten) and ask for judicial assistance for the property division. It doesn't sound like the job situation is working out for you and I don't think it's realistic that you will be able to save up enough money in order to buy him out any time soon, especially if you'd have to learn/improve your Swedish language skills. You could stay in women's shelter until the sale, and then you would have some money for your return to the States. None of this will be easy, but you can do this! I wish you much courage and strength.

[Sunflower123]

I've read through some of your previous posts and it looks like you've been in this situation numerous times over the years.

If you think you might be ready to put all of this behind you and move on with your life, then what you can do is contact the district court (Tingsrätten) and ask for judicial assistance for the property division. It doesn't sound like the job situation is working out for you and I don't think it's realistic that you will be able to save up enough money in order to buy him out any time soon, especially if you'd have to learn/improve your Swedish language skills. You could stay in women's shelter until the sale, and then you would have some money for your return to the States. None of this will be easy, but you can do this! I wish you much courage and strength.

That's the thing, I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave and it's definitely not what I want. I have been trying to prevent legal action and losing my home so I don't want to be the one to move things forward in that direction. I actually have found temporary work and considering that I just began looking, I think that I have more opportunities that could come up. I'm starting to broaden my network. I haven't really tried to get work in the past because my pwBPD really encouraged me not to work. Of course, the language barrier makes it more difficult, but I can't see myself having that many more great opportunities somewhere else either due to my lack of experience.

I truly do not want to sell our condo right now and there are options for me to make payments like rent instead of buying him out all at once. I feel really devastated because I still love my pwBPD. I still can't imagine my life without him and it just feels wrong. This has all happened in a similar way before and it is a cycle. I'm looking for a way to end the cycle without ending the relationship if at all possible.
 
I can't see myself leaving my home and going to a woman's shelter unless it becomes necessary. In that case, then it's a good option, of course. I had my post moved to the conflicted because I'm considering all the options, and brainstorming, but really not sure enough to act on any of this yet. I'm just being honest.   

My pwBPD is not physically abusive and I feel it is safe to be here with him, although his mood can be unpleasant when he's splitting. Our home is just as much mine as it is his, so I'm not sure why I'm the one that's expected to leave. He could also leave if he wants to. I don't see my future in the USA right now and I wouldn't know where to go if I moved back there. I have a very strained relationship with my family and I really lost the connection with most of my friends over the years.

I have started trying to branch out more here on my own and see how it goes. I'm kind of in an awkward spot that nowhere "feels like home" to me anymore. It's not as simple as "going back home" to the USA. I feel very little connection there and would be starting all over again too. I'm thinking of all these options, but I'm just not ready yet. I'm also trying to get a feel for how I see my future if it's not with my pwBPD.

[Couscous]

It's not as simple as "going back home" to the USA. I feel very little connection there and would be starting all over again too.

Oh, I certainly do understand that. And it still appears to be your only real option. Becoming roommates doesn’t sound to me like a feasible option, because it’s hard to be just roommates when you’re romantically entangled with someone. But if you can pull that off and get a residency permit on your own so that you’re no longer dependent on him for anything, then more power to you.

[Sunflower123]

Oh, I certainly do understand that. And it still appears to be your only real option. Becoming roommates doesn’t sound to me like a feasible option, because it’s hard to be just roommates when you’re romantically entangled with someone. But if you can pull that off and get a residency permit on your own so that you’re no longer dependent on him for anything, then more power to you.

Luckily, my resident permit is no longer tied to my relationship at this point (it was before). So at least he can't hold that over me. I have the right now to legally live here or in the USA, with or without him. I may just decide to go back at some point, but right now I don't feel like that's what I want to do.

I have lived with him in a roommate-type relationship (currently am) whenever he's wanted to end our relationship in the past. He sleeps in the spare room and he often travels for work anyway. We keep separate schedules. It's not ideal, but tolerable.

He changes his mind frequently about our relationship. He has been splitting worse and more often than usual. He has admitted that he feels depressed. I have been trying to nudge him in the direction of seeing a therapist again or at least his doctor. He coincidentally has been taking a prescription medication that has depression as a major side effect for the past year. Before that he could go a long time with only minor episodes and without splitting me black. I guess that's the biggest difference now.

Last week he was sleeping in our bed again. He told me that he still loved me, and is still attracted to me, but then he split me again. Of course, this is not what I want if things continue to go this way.

I have also been focusing on becoming more independent, even if he doesn't want me to, so his moods don't affect me as much or my living situation so drastically in the future.

I understand his behavior won't change without him accepting help, but I still love him and I'm conflicted about the future. I'm still worried about him and wish he would let me be there for him instead of pushing me away :/

[Sunflower123]

Also practicality-wise, I'm very aware of how difficult it is to find someone to rent to me with my type of situation and credit, both here and in the USA.

That's why I don't think it's me who should leave if my pwBPD wants to suddenly end the relationship again. He has a great career he's been building all this time, could actually have a great career wherever he moves in the world, has tons in savings, can completely support himself and then some, and could afford to rent or buy another nice place today if he wanted and it wouldn't be a problem. I feel like he could leave either temporarily or permanently if he wanted to.

Why do I have to suddenly leave with nothing? I have been there for him for almost 13 years, giving up opportunities to make his dreams and success a reality, and I find his demands to be unreasonable. I feel the least I should have is a safe place to live in, it's also legally mine so it's not like I refuse to leave "his place". It makes me really sad that this is the way things are right now. I also don't know if my post should be in this section or the bettering because I'm open to ideas, but not ready "to leave" yet.

Am I thinking about this the wrong way?

[Cat Familiar]

Given that he has the financial means to buy somewhere else should he want to end the relationship, is this something you’ve communicated to him? Perhaps he could carry a loan and you could make payments to him if he’s really serious about breaking up?

[Sunflower123]

Given that he has the financial means to buy somewhere else should he want to end the relationship, is this something you’ve communicated to him? Perhaps he could carry a loan and you could make payments to him if he’s really serious about breaking up?

Yes, I have tried to kindly suggest this to him. I even asked if maybe he'd like to be relocated for a while with his company or rent/buy somewhere so we don't have to live together if he doesn't want to. I said I want him to be happy. He will not have the "leaving" conversation with me or the logistics of it. Every time I try it triggers him into an episode with a temper tantrum. He just wants me to leave and now. It's very frustrating because I feel if he truly wanted to end our relationship he would sit down with me and try to figure something out logically. He did say he'd pay for an apartment for me if I move out, but I can't trust him to do that. He could stop making payments like he's doing now for other bills he promised to pay. This is why I would prefer him to move out and not me if that's what he really wants, at least for now.

We've been living together for over a decade. He refuses to talk to me about it in any detail, even the logistics of my "move" if I were to do so.  I'm just supposed to tell him where I'm going and when. I don't know how to get him to talk with me, it's never been successful. Usually, email works better, but I tried this time and he wrote mean responses back which I posted above.

[Cat Familiar]

Should this behavior continue over time, how will you cope? It must seem really uncomfortable and stressful to be living like this.

[Sunflower123]

Should this behavior continue over time, how will you cope? It must seem really uncomfortable and stressful to be living like this.

Yes, it really is. He has turned into a stranger and is pushing me away. He used to be my best friend, but now he treats me as if I'm an enemy most of the time. It's difficult to process. I have been really good to him and I continue to try, but he is shutting me out and has painted me black.

All I can really do is work on myself. I have a therapist and that is what he suggests to focus on as well. He doesn't specialize in BPD or personality disorders so I'm also here for extra support. He does think my partner is gaslighting and manipulating me. I'm trying to become more financially stable on my own.

I'm working on my goals more and focusing less on my pwBPD's needs as I have in the past. I realize that if he keeps refusing help then it's unlikely things will change in the long run. It makes me very sad, but I understand that.

I would like to try to see if it's possible to get him out of this major split. Then possibly try to encourage him again to get help. I also believe the medicine he's taking is affecting his mood even worse, but he won't speak to his doctor about it. He has been splitting very frequently for a year now (around the time he started this new medication). He hasn't really been himself for most of the days since. We've had a few good days here and there, but mostly he hates me and I don't know why. 

The last thing that happened before was that we went to a new lunch restaurant. He seemed very happy. We stopped for a coffee. We had a really nice time or so I thought. He was holding my hand and being sweet towards me. We came home and the hell started. Things have never been the same since.

He started saying I was his enemy and claimed I'm out to get him. This has been going on and off now for a year, but most of the time that's how he feels. I'm starting to wonder if he has a coexisting disorder with BPD and/or if it's the medication. I miss him and I feel like he has disappeared and become an entirely different person.

I'm trying to get into a place where I don't depend on him. He slowly made me completely dependent on him throughout the years and now I realize I can't trust him in that way :/

I hope it's okay that I vent on here. I don't have many people to talk about this with or who understand it. Sometimes it just feels better to type it out. 

[Couscous]

He slowly made me completely dependent on him throughout the years and now I realize I can't trust him in that way :/

Well, he didn’t technically “make” you. You were an active participant with this. It was a gamble you took, and it didn’t pay off, and for that you have my sincerest sympathies.

But a big part of the maturation process that we all must go through is to become independent and self-sufficient so that we don’t end up in this exact predicament. Likely, your parents prevented this process from happening for you, something that might be worth exploring with your therapist.

But it really sounds like you are both essentially locked in a power struggle over who moves out. If he was smart, he would give you “cash for keys”, so to speak, but my guess is that he’s really reluctant to do that, and truthfully, most people in his shoes would probably feel the same way. But this is exactly why judges get involved and make the decision for divorcing couples on who gets to stay in the house. If you were able to buy him out, (or able to get a loan to do so) perhaps a judge would rule in your favor on this, but the harsh reality is that it sounds like you can do neither of these things. I’m not even sure that anything but a property division is even available to you considering that you’re married.

If it makes you feel better he would also have to move out so it would be “fair, if that matters to you. Wishing you all the best.

[Sunflower123]

Well, he didn’t technically “make” you. You were an active participant with this.

I take full responsibility for my choices, but what I mean is that I trusted him fully. We lived together in the USA for 2 years before moving abroad and I had my own money and a lot of hobbies. I had my own social circle, I had a driver's license, and my own car which I had gotten before I met him. I had connections and a lot of ambitions. He supported all of this. I also lived alone for a year in the USA when he lived abroad first. He insisted on paying my rent during that time since I was taking care of our apartment while he was away, but he didn't have to. I  didn't really see the full-blown symptoms of his BPD until later on. He even admits to me now that he hid it well.

He built my trust and proved that I could rely on him for years. He made my life better in many ways and we were working together towards shared goals. He made a lot of my dreams come true and treated me very well.  When he asked me to move abroad I trusted him. Before I agreed I had multiple in-depth conversations with him about all of the details. I did have to become dependent on him once we got here because for some years I wasn't even allowed to legally work. (When we first got here, and then every some years when we'd had to wait to renew our permits.) We also did a lot of traveling. There's so much to it, but I'm just feeling devasted.

Yes, I admit that I unfortunately have issues with my parents. This has played a part in some of the choices I've made. I'm talking to my therapist about it also.

[Couscous]

He built my trust and proved that I could rely on him for years.

Yeah, sadly there are no guarantees that any relationship, even a Catholic marriage, will not come to end.

Luckily, with the money from the property division (assuming there’s no mortgage and you are entitled to half the value of the house — which is incredible to me since you’re not married — and not just the appreciated value) you might even have enough to buy your own place, or at the very, least be able to put down a sizable deposit. Even with minimum wage job, you will still enjoy a much high standard of living than most people on this planet, so things may not be quite as bleak as they might seem.

[ForeverDad]

I have been there for him for almost 13 years, giving up opportunities to make his dreams and success a reality, and I find his demands to be unreasonable. I feel the least I should have is a safe place to live in, it's also legally mine so it's not like I refuse to leave "his place". It makes me really sad that this is the way things are right now.

You could spend another 13 years and still be in the same place.  That's the reality.  If he would have improved sufficiently, you would have results by now.

Would you agree that your hopes to be there for him, to help him improve himself, are unrealistic?

[livednlearned]

This is really affecting me emotionally. My whole body hurts and I feel exhausted. I have dealt with this behavior from my pwBPD for many years, but this is the most intense it's ever been. There are usually much longer breaks in between these severe splits, but this has just been constant up and down and very extreme. It just seems like he really hates me and I'm not sure if he will even split me completely white again.

Can you change your behavior while this is going on, or is it too oppressive what he's doing ... I would start there.

He probably isn't going to change anything until you shake things up a bit.

It's hard for us to know what's going on exactly but since you've been there over a decade and he has most of the power, I would suspect you're pretty beaten down.

In my experience, pwBPD will treat us the way we treat ourselves, up to the exact point where we are most vulnerable.

If you feel bad, you will be treated badly.

If you feel like a doormat, you will be treated that way.

If you feel worthless, you will be treated as though you lack worth.

If you behave like a kicked dog, you will be kicked like one.

You and your H may have become sort of two sides of the same coin. He focuses on what he doesn't like about you because this way he doesn't have to focus on himself. You focus on what you don't like about him because it's painful or hard or confusing to focus on yourself.

Does that seem at all accurate? It can be hard to focus on yourself, and it can feel scary to try and change the narrative with someone who has your number.

With people who have BPD, either you're the emotional leader or they are.

To emotionally lead, you have to know what direction you're going in. You have to have some idea of what it is you want, value, care about, love, enjoy, cherish deserve. That stuff gets a bit hard to see when someone is telling you what a piece of garbage you are. I kind of went back and forth between delusional hope (he can't really mean this) to resignation that someone finally discovered how weak and vulnerable and worthless I was.

It can be scary to recognize that you deserve love. Allowing yourself to feel love can be more painful than having someone emotionally beat you down.

If you want to stay in this relationship, how about write loving emails to yourself, not him. He bites when you do that, so maybe don't do that. Write something nice to yourself and then see how you feel when you get those messages. Maybe you respond the same way, which means you and your H are teaming up here.

How about try to do one small thing every day that's for you, and only you. Reward yourself for being nice to yourself. Do it even if it feels painful. Being nice can feel painful when you feel like a piece of garbage because it's a different kind of vulnerability. What if you trust being treated like that by yourself?

Keep building on these small positive steps you're taking. It's great you found temporary work. Find more!

When you believe what he says about you, that makes it harder for him to change his mind about you.

If he isn't dangerous, and he can't legally remove you from the house, then this is really about whether or not you can tolerate being kind to yourself and feeling love for yourself.

I don't mean that in the woo-woo self-affirmation way. I mean it in the way where you start piecing together the emotional puzzle that leads to a place where other people treat you the way you treat yourself. It will probably feel a thousand times more painful to feel those feelings than anything mean he says to you, is my guess.

[Amina]

If they truly have BPD or a cluster B shaking things up is not going to change them.  Let's not get on the victim--they have a house and property--she doesn't need a women's shelter--she needs help in organizing how they will manage to share the property while she still struggles with loving and caring for someone that is insufficiently and consistently able to care for someone he bought property with. F*ck the shelter.  This is her home too.

[Amina]

If they truly have BPD or a cluster B shaking things up is not going to change them.  Let's not get on the victim--they have a house and property--she doesn't need a women's shelter--she needs help in organizing how they will manage to share the property while she still struggles with loving and caring for someone that is insufficiently and inconsistently able to care for someone he bought property with while he emotionally is a mind-wreck mostly to himself.  F*ck the shelter.  This is her home too.