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Author Topic: The dreaded "We need to Talk" text  (Read 879 times)
mitten
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« on: March 24, 2023, 08:14:48 AM »

Just got this text at 9am from my uBPD wife "A lot has been on my mind a lot and I think we need to talk.  Maybe later this afternoon when you come home."

Uh oh.  How would you handle this? 

For context- my wife's brother is seriously sick, our two kids are a lot of work and we have one more on the way (mornings getting them out the door are hard.  And my wife has taken on new responsibility at work.  We haven't had any major fights in the past year or so.  I've been resisting some of her grumpiness and asking for her to stop being disrespectful.  Basically I'm a super involved Dad that does a lot around the house but she treats me like I don't do anything.  So I don't feel appreciated, which is probably because she doesn't know how to show it as a BPD spouse. 

Anyway, I have no idea what she wants to talk about... so how should I go into this?

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kells76
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« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2023, 09:51:27 AM »

Good question.

Has she used phrases like that in the past? If so, what did those conversations end up being about, and how did they go?

One option for how to move forward is through warm, empathetic "putting the work on her" -- basically, "not being the obstacle". A concrete example of what that could look like is responding "Makes sense... so much going on right now. I really want to be at my best to hear you -- I've got 45 minutes today between X and Y, is that enough? If not, how about over breakfast out, just you and me, tomorrow morning?"

That puts a definite time limit on today (so if she tries to turn it into a 3 hour rant/blamefest, you've already given a heads up that after 45 minutes or whatever time frame, you're done), and if she isn't happy with that time limit, you have opened a door to tomorrow. So, it becomes her choices -- does she want 45 minutes today, or more time tomorrow, her call. You aren't being the obstacle to her wanting to talk, it's back in her lap.

It's possible that if she picks "tomorrow", then over the next 24 hours, whatever is nagging at her will subside, and she may not take you up on the "breakfast out and talk" idea. Or, if she does, then the convo is out in a public place, so again, it'd be weird to sit there for 4 hours -- kind of a social time limit.

This all depends on what she's like -- you know her best, so you know if this approach would be effective.

Hope that's helpful food for thought;

kells76
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Rev
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« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2023, 10:05:33 AM »

Hey,

To Kells' great advice - I'd also build into your mindset that your goal is to get the entire picture of what she is telling you so that you can set some time aside later and process what she has told you.

The goal in any unknown "we've got to talk situations" - I get those in my line of work all the time and really, really dislike them - is to set yourself up for success.

Success in this case is to be well enough informed and CLEAR in your mind what is being asked of you and if and/or how you will... here it is ... how you will respond rather than react.

Thoughts?

Rev
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Pook075
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« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2023, 10:11:25 AM »

While nobody enjoys either side of the "we need to talk", it is an opportunity to share what's on your mind and work towards improvement.  You can also view it as everything could be about to blow up, but that's not healthy or particularly helpful.  So try to stay positive and be honest with yourself- what do you hope to accomplish?  Since she made the meeting, she will likely be more open to listening and you need to take advantage of it as an opportunity.
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mitten
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« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2023, 10:54:19 AM »

We've been so busy with our kids the last few years that there often isn't time for her to strike up these types of conversations.  Once in a great while (maybe once a year) when in rages she will threaten the divorce word.   Last week she said "I can tell this isn't going to work long-term" as we were having a stressful morning getting the kids out the door.  She was fine shortly after that though. 

I imagine she wants to talk to see if I am happy in the relationship.  She may through out the D word just to gauge my interest... which I am not.  Or maybe she will suggest couples therapy...
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kells76
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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2023, 11:07:09 AM »

We've been so busy with our kids the last few years that there often isn't time for her to strike up these types of conversations.  Once in a great while (maybe once a year) when in rages she will threaten the divorce word.   Last week she said "I can tell this isn't going to work long-term" as we were having a stressful morning getting the kids out the door.  She was fine shortly after that though.

I imagine she wants to talk to see if I am happy in the relationship.  She may through out the D word just to gauge my interest... which I am not.  Or maybe she will suggest couples therapy...

To me, that sounds like -- she isn't really interested if you're happy in the relationship. What she wants is for you to say "Yes I'm happy" or whatnot, as an external way for her to regulate how she feels inside. "If mitten says he's happy, then I'll feel better" -- it may well be about her meeting her own emotional needs.

And, interestingly, you have an example of her "letting off steam" with a high-conflict statement... and then she is regulated after that. Not to say "that's healthy", but more to point out, she can sometimes solve her own emotional problems by regulating over time, even if you don't "have the conversation" with her.

How do you think you'd engage with a suggestion of couples therapy, if she brings that up?
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mitten
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« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2023, 11:28:42 AM »


How do you think you'd engage with a suggestion of couples therapy, if she brings that up?

Well I think we've concluded on these boards that couple's counseling usually isn't helpful.  I'd love for her to get counseling, but as we know it's unlikely a person with BPD will stick with it.  I'd be open to getting counseling for my own anxiety.  So I could suggest we both see our own therapists because we both have things we could work on (she talks about her anxiety as well so I could frame it that way).  Thoughts?
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mitten
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« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2023, 11:42:02 AM »

This is how I responded to her "we need to talk text message".   She replied saying she was going to workout over lunch on her treadmill. 

Yeah, I know life’s been super hard lately with everything - more responsibility at work, Michael's health, being pregnant, two demanding kids, pandemic etc.  Let’s talk.  I should be home shortly after my meeting ends around noon.
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kells76
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« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2023, 11:58:17 AM »

Sounds like you validated what might have been stressing her, and left a door open for her to walk through if she chooses.

It's possible that she is dealing with her stress via exercise, which is hopefully a positive coping mechanism and helps her regulate.

You can wait and see if she brings up "having a conversation" of her own volition after working out. If not, you don't have to pursue it or "remind her" or keep bringing it up or whatever. It could be that the structure of this interaction -- going from "we need to talk", to receiving validation from you, to reporting on exercise -- is what she needed, vs the actual conversation itself. Kind of like -- for whatever reason, if there is appropriate validation (which you did, as all those things are valid to validate as stressors), then she "fizzles out" and can self regulate.

Time will tell if that's actually the case -- keep us posted. Hope the afternoon goes well.
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mitten
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« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2023, 12:01:58 PM »


You can wait and see if she brings up "having a conversation" of her own volition after working out. If not, you don't have to pursue it or "remind her" or keep bringing it up or whatever. It could be that the structure of this interaction -- going from "we need to talk", to receiving validation from you, to reporting on exercise -- is what she needed, vs the actual conversation itself. Kind of like -- for whatever reason, if there is appropriate validation (which you did, as all those things are valid to validate as stressors), then she "fizzles out" and can self regulate.

Thanks Kells for the advice to not bring it up.  I think that's a great plan.  Ultimately I think my goal is just for us to go back to a normal state of being.  I don't expect to change her anyway, so no point in inviting the conversation back and opening a can of worms.  Balls in her court if she wants to talk.
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mitten
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« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2023, 03:57:40 PM »

Well I've been home my her for about 5 hours and no conversation yet, although she is kind of ignoring me!  I've just been trying to give her space and act normal.  She is currently watching TV while I work.  I'll take the cold shoulder over a full out angry conversation where I get blamed for her unhappiness in life. 
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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2023, 04:42:49 PM »

Well I've been home my her for about 5 hours and no conversation yet, although she is kind of ignoring me!  I've just been trying to give her space and act normal.  She is currently watching TV while I work.  I'll take the cold shoulder over a full out angry conversation where I get blamed for her unhappiness in life. 

Non-reactive.  Great response!
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mitten
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« Reply #12 on: March 27, 2023, 07:54:33 AM »

Well, I made it through the weekend without the dreaded conversation.  3 years ago before I knew what BPD was, I would have rushed home when my wife texted me "we need to talk".  I would have tried to talk it out with her to "fix things", which of course is impossible with a person with BPD.  The conversation would go in circles for hours, before ending with no resolution and just more confusion. 

Fast forward 3 years... The power of understanding BPD gave me the insight that there would be no benefit to having the conversation and that my wife's feelings would pass on their own with time. 

Thanks all!
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Pook075
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« Reply #13 on: March 27, 2023, 08:57:24 AM »

Well, I made it through the weekend without the dreaded conversation.  3 years ago before I knew what BPD was, I would have rushed home when my wife texted me "we need to talk".  I would have tried to talk it out with her to "fix things", which of course is impossible with a person with BPD.  The conversation would go in circles for hours, before ending with no resolution and just more confusion. 

Fast forward 3 years... The power of understanding BPD gave me the insight that there would be no benefit to having the conversation and that my wife's feelings would pass on their own with time. 

Thanks all!

Awesome job!  I wish I would have had that insight when my wife said "we need to talk" 7+ months ago.  Might have saved the marriage.  I'm proud of you for handling this the right way!
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« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2023, 04:51:38 PM »

Mitten, I totally agree. Life is much easier without me kindly but persistently trying to work out what is upsetting my wife. I stupidly used to go on about this even when she hadn’t said there was anything wrong (but was clearly in a very bad mood). For some reason being part of this community has helped me not become so caught up in my wife’s changing moods and I’ve realised how I don’t have to have the same feelings she has. I even make a point to try and enjoy little things like sunshine on my face or a gentle breeze etc, reminding myself that I don’t have to be miserable just because my wife is (but I enjoy these things without telling her ya know…)
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« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2023, 05:09:01 PM »

Well, I made it through the weekend without the dreaded conversation.  3 years ago before I knew what BPD was, I would have rushed home when my wife texted me "we need to talk".  I would have tried to talk it out with her to "fix things", which of course is impossible with a person with BPD.  The conversation would go in circles for hours, before ending with no resolution and just more confusion. 

Fast forward 3 years... The power of understanding BPD gave me the insight that there would be no benefit to having the conversation and that my wife's feelings would pass on their own with time. 

Thanks all!
This is making me smile! It’s all so crazy, yet often predictable. And more often than not the correct behavior for the non BPD is the exact opposite of what counselors would recommend!

You are in a ship during a storm. It’s probably best to just sit in the bar and listen to the music. No need to to panic and jump into a lifeboat!
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« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2023, 05:21:16 PM »

This is making me smile! It’s all so crazy, yet often predictable. And more often than not the correct behavior for the non BPD is the exact opposite of what counselors would recommend!

You are in a ship during a storm. It’s probably best to just sit in the bar and listen to the music. No need to to panic and jump into a lifeboat!

My wife and I have not been through therapy together, yet I have often thought that actually I’ve received better advice on bpd family, having read how many therapists do not understand bpd as well as we do that have totally lived through these experiences.

I love the ship analogy. I love to treat myself to the feeling of enjoying little things, where I used to forbid myself from enjoying anything when my wife was unhappy.
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