Managing job and relationship with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

As some may know here, I'm in a long-distance relationship with my partner now. We live in two different countries and both have immigrated recently. He moved to another country alone (to study) and I moved here with my family. Might seem a bit weird for an adult to live and immigrate with her family, but it might make sense if I say I come from a middle eastern country.

I've been staying at home since I came here, no job currently, and no studies. I'm thinking of finding a job until I get to move to my destination country (where my partner is, and it takes some time), both for my independence and to help my family, but there are some problems:

1. I don't have a long-term resident permit here because I don't plan to live here. I don't also know the language, and therefore I can only find some specific jobs, with long working hours (like 8am to 7pm). I don't know if personally my body can take the pressure, especially because I have painful periods. This is something I'm also fighting with my family about.

2. My partner is in a lonely state these days. No close connection, and cultural differences where he lives has made it harder for him. He supports me in this, but I know it would be so hard for him too. He relies on my support in many situations: being into a new class, after having an awkward meeting at work, when he binge eats, etc. We also had this habit of keeping in touch back in our home country when we were at work. This type of job, kind of limits our connection to one or two sentences from morning to 7 am, and probably to 1-2 hours in a day after work because of my tiredness.

This also gets more risky when he's suicidal and I can't really take that risk.

I'm not sure if I can find a job that gives me more freedom, and I know that I should put effort in my own growth too. But I'm not sure if I want to work like this, both for myself and for my relationship. I don't know what is the best decision.

[Bella2798]

As some may know here, I'm in a long-distance relationship with my partner now. We live in two different countries and both have immigrated recently. He moved to another country alone (to study) and I moved here with my family. Might seem a bit weird for an adult to live and immigrate with her family, but it might make sense if I say I come from a middle eastern country.

I've been staying at home since I came here, no job currently, and no studies. I'm thinking of finding a job until I get to move to my destination country (where my partner is, and it takes some time), both for my independence and to help my family, but there are some problems:

1. I don't have a long-term resident permit here because I don't plan to live here. I don't also know the language, and therefore I can only find some specific jobs, with long working hours (like 8am to 7pm). I don't know if personally my body can take the pressure, especially because I have painful periods. This is something I'm also fighting with my family about.

2. My partner is in a lonely state these days. No close connection, and cultural differences where he lives has made it harder for him. He supports me in this, but I know it would be so hard for him too. He relies on my support in many situations: being into a new class, after having an awkward meeting at work, when he binge eats, etc. We also had this habit of keeping in touch back in our home country when we were at work. This type of job, kind of limits our connection to one or two sentences from morning to 7 am, and probably to 1-2 hours in a day after work because of my tiredness.

This also gets more risky when he's suicidal and I can't really take that risk.

I'm not sure if I can find a job that gives me more freedom, and I know that I should put effort in my own growth too. But I'm not sure if I want to work like this, both for myself and for my relationship. I don't know what is the best decision.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Were you and your partner together in the same place before you both moved?

Just to be clear, your family is of middle eastern origin and you all moved to a new country. It must be your parents who have work permits and speak the language and you don't?

Your partner is now on his own studying in a different country.

I guess the plan is that you will move where he is at some point? However, when this is isn't any time soon, and there's no definite commitment on his part such as an engagement. So while you would like for this to happen, there isn't an actual guarantee it will happen or a planned date for you to move?

I can't tell you exactly what to do, but here is what I would do in a similar situation. One reason you are so focused on your partner, his feelings, his moods, is because you have a "minus" situation. You moved with your family to a new place without knowing the language or a job lined up- so your world has an empty space to fill. Your partner moved to some place for a purpose, to study. He also may have left a place and people but it was for a "plus". You can seek out your "plus" too.

He's busy and it makes no difference to his daily life what you are doing with your time far away. You aren't there with him, he's not there with you. He's busy- his days are full. What you do all day has no impact on him. You may not have planned to move to this new country for the long run, but you are there now. You have the choice to sit around and wish you were somewhere else, or --- fill this space with something meaningful to you. You need to find a purpose to your time, besides thinking about him as it makes no difference. He may miss you but it's not likely he's thinking about you all day in class while he has to learn something, take tests, study. You can choose to be happy and do something interesting during the time you are waiting to move- which might happen and it might not.

So, personally, I think the best thing to do is- make the most of where you are, find a purpose and pursue it.

First- sign up for a language class and learn the language- it will make being there so much easier. Chances are, you might make some new friends.

If you practice a religion, even culturally- go to your house of worship so you have a community, shared culture with people, shared holidays, shared foods and customs.

Engage the culture you are at- besides learning the language, take a cooking class, or a dance class. It's always interesting to learn new things and meet new people.

What other things do you wish to study? A musical instrument? An art class? Another academic subject?

If you can not find a paid job, begin as a volunteer somewhere, it might open doors.

It's not helping you or your relationship to be just waiting around for him, focused on him. It's also not good for you emotionally to be stuck waiting. There's no rule that someone can't have their own interests and occupation outside a relationship, in fact, it's best when both people do have their own interests and goals. Pursue yours.

[Bella2798]

Were you and your partner together in the same place before you both moved?

Just to be clear, your family is of middle eastern origin and you all moved to a new country. It must be your parents who have work permits and speak the language and you don't?

Your partner is now on his own studying in a different country.

I guess the plan is that you will move where he is at some point? However, when this is isn't any time soon, and there's no definite commitment on his part such as an engagement. So while you would like for this to happen, there isn't an actual guarantee it will happen or a planned date for you to move?

I can't tell you exactly what to do, but here is what I would do in a similar situation. One reason you are so focused on your partner, his feelings, his moods, is because you have a "minus" situation. You moved with your family to a new place without knowing the language or a job lined up- so your world has an empty space to fill. Your partner moved to some place for a purpose, to study. He also may have left a place and people but it was for a "plus". You can seek out your "plus" too.

He's busy and it makes no difference to his daily life what you are doing with your time far away. You aren't there with him, he's not there with you. He's busy- his days are full. What you do all day has no impact on him. You may not have planned to move to this new country for the long run, but you are there now. You have the choice to sit around and wish you were somewhere else, or --- fill this space with something meaningful to you. You need to find a purpose to your time, besides thinking about him as it makes no difference. He may miss you but it's not likely he's thinking about you all day in class while he has to learn something, take tests, study. You can choose to be happy and do something interesting during the time you are waiting to move- which might happen and it might not.

So, personally, I think the best thing to do is- make the most of where you are, find a purpose and pursue it.

First- sign up for a language class and learn the language- it will make being there so much easier. Chances are, you might make some new friends.

If you practice a religion, even culturally- go to your house of worship so you have a community, shared culture with people, shared holidays, shared foods and customs.

Engage the culture you are at- besides learning the language, take a cooking class, or a dance class. It's always interesting to learn new things and meet new people.

What other things do you wish to study? A musical instrument? An art class? Another academic subject?

If you can not find a paid job, begin as a volunteer somewhere, it might open doors.

It's not helping you or your relationship to be just waiting around for him, focused on him. It's also not good for you emotionally to be stuck waiting. There's no rule that someone can't have their own interests and occupation outside a relationship, in fact, it's best when both people do have their own interests and goals. Pursue yours.

Dear Notwendy, thnaks a lot for the help.
My life has been so dull here. My professional field is not something that I can find job easily here without knowing the language, but my family can speak a bit.
I'm under pressure from my father's side to find a job. They think it's good for me to be out of house, and definitely financially, but the money thing aside, I'm not that much willing to work for 13 hours, while I can do other things I like. I love to work, doesn't matter what job it is in this situation but that kind of job leaves no room for me. I need to do something for myself as BPD takes so much out of me. It's like I'm being pulled and pushed from 3 sides: myself, my relationship and my family.

[Notwendy]

I think your family has a point by encouraging you to get out and acclimate yourself to your new surroundings. The issue is that, the language is limiting your job choices. The compromise with your family is to take language classes and learn the language which will open up more job choices for you. If you bring this up to your family, they might be in agreement as it does help get you out, and is working towards a goal of your employment.

[Bella2798]

The sure have a point and I'm also tired of being unemployed for long. I'm not that type of person to stay at home.
You're right about the language barrier, but the problem I also have with my family is they don't consider the language class option. They believe it's either chosing a job like that, or I'm the lazy one.
I'm ashamed of myself that I'm getting controlled by my family around this age. Maybe I start working there anyway to gain some financial stability and then go for some language classes.

[Notwendy]

If an adult child is financially dependent on parents, I think there are expectations on their part, depending on the situation and the capability of the adult child. No situation should be abusive but I think ( as a parent of grown children myself) it is reasonable to expect the child to be working to some extent if the finances are needed. It seems this is the case for your family. I am also a believer in the non-financial benefits of working- a schedule, being productive, meeting people- even if they aren't potential friends or partners, meeting people makes connections. Even if this job isn't one you prefer, perhaps a boss or co-worker is impressed with your work and promotes you or offers another job. You can consider listening to tapes of the new language and learning more of it even without a formal class, or a program like Duolingo which is of no charge.

I don't know how much you share about your relationship with your parents but I think I can see their perspective. You are a young adult, and you have put your whole life on hold for someone in another country, and this person is emotionally unstable. Of course nobody gets to choose who someone else loves. The issue here is you, a young person, staying home, making your decisions based on his fluctuating moods and being completely focused on him, and it makes no difference to him- he's busy at his studies. You are the one home alone.

It's the putting your life on hold that probably concerns them the most. You don't have to decide on your relationship by deciding to do something like work. It can also occupy your focus which is time you are not worried about your partner. It's not just ok for two people to have their own independent interests, it's desirable.

So start where you are at. If it's this job, take it but also keep looking for another one or another opportunity. You might be surprised where it leads you.