Actions vs words

[Husband2014]

My wife has BPD and I have contacted a lawyer to see how to work myself out of this mess.  We have two kids 6 and 2 and all I do is really to shield them from her violent mood swings. 

I learned about BPD about 18 months ago and slowly have been working on my inner strength and courage and have been able to improve a few things but I’m under no illusion things will get better until my wife sees the light and goes to therapy.

Having said that one thing I’m noticing is I’m able to do more things I like as in going on walks, taking showers, calling friends, etc.. without much complaining and whining. I’ve been in silent treatment mode for over 2 months but her actions are telegraphing nice things such as making me dinner, folding my laundry and small things like that. Is that boundaries working or am I fooling myself? I’m still reaching out to a lawyer and building a case regardless but one only hopes the insanity can somewhat stabilize.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Most people with BPD are uninterested/unwilling to go to therapy.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

It’s good that she’s doing nice things for you. However do you suspect that the reason is she is noticing you pulling away or being more independent?

[waverider]

My wife uses "nice gestures" not for me, but for her. She would leave a mess everywhere for me to clean despite being asked not to. She wont reliably put a regular meal on the table as a responsibility. However she will do random "grand gestures' not out of responsibility, or even to help me (though they would be sold as so), but simply as a big show primarily to impress me. So they have to be visible, and always advertised and always when it suits her impulse and time frame. That is they are ultimately an attempt to gratify her need for approval and nothing to do with being genuinely helpful or stepping up to meet a responsibility

Does she do tasks regularly and reliably, without mentioning them, especially background chores that would normally go unnoticed, or are they obvious highly visible out of character inconsistent gestures?