Black Ice, you have a lot to work through and I sense a lot of internal conflict on what your best path forward is. There really just is no easy answer to everything you are struggling with right now, and I am truly sorry that you and your step children are experiencing all of this.
RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria).
I had never heard of this condition before. Definitely going to do some research on it.
I recently walked away from the 9-year relationship in the middle of an argument. I essentially had a mental breakdown and had to leave the house. I spent 1 week angry and didn't say anything to my partner other than I needed space to think. I know now that made her go insane with her thoughts and I regret not speaking to her sooner. After about 3-4 days I was capable of talking to her and chose to wait. Mainly because I was scared.
I have similar regrets. However, sometimes it takes time to fully come to terms with everything we are experiencing. This can be especially true if we have a cloud depression. I speak from experience when I say that depression can make it difficult to perform basic daily functions, let alone come to a major life decision like you were facing.
She said the cops came by the house the day after I left to check on things and I didn't understand why this would happen since the argument was very mild (cops have never been involved in my entire lifetime). She also changed the locks on the house. She owns the house and the 2 kids we have been raising together are hers. I don't have a job. I now have to stay with my parents.
I think it is a safe assumption that there is way more to the story hear on her part. She either called the cops on you because you were missing and she was hysterical; or because she started painting you as some sort of safety threat. The fact that the police were involved and she changed the locks, I am inclined to think she is viewing you as a threat for some reason. This does seem like fairly erratic behavior indicating a major dysregulation. You say the argument was, "very mild." What was the argument about? What clues has she provided that cause her to suddenly make you a safety concern?
Luckily my parents have been great and have showed the understanding and validation I desperately lacked in my relationship. Talking to them felt like an explosion of colors washing over me. After some time I realized I was depressed and using this website I know now that I was/am severely depressed. I think it is because I tried to avoid feeling any emotions and would bottle everything up to avoid our never ending whirlwind fights that never got resolved.
Talking to people about what you are experiencing is so helpful. I understand that you don't have a job. However, is there any way for you start working with a therapist, if you don't have one? Most of what you are going through will be resolved much more quickly and easily if you can discuss it with a trained professional.
My depression has been somewhat debilitating and hard to make quick/good decisions and hard to want to do anything other than finding a job which will likely help me break out of my depression and get control of my life.
Self-Care is going to be some of the most important work you can do right now. You will need to get yourself into a more rational headspace to be able to effectively work and navigate a complicated relationship.
So her daughter was recently committed (several days ago). She ended our relationship and said that she is so mad at me for not contacting her kids while we were living separately. That she is so mad at herself for going out on dates with me and leaving her kids behind when I would just ignore them. Basically a waterfall of anger coming at me. She said she won't be able to forgive me for not speaking to her kids. I tried to explain that I am depressed and it was difficult for me... with no understanding. There's so many mixed signals. I ask about the kids all the time. I was trying to keep them out of the drama until we knew where the relationship was headed.
Since you are locked out of the house, there is really no way for you to know what the dynamic has been at home. Most likely what is going on here, is the BPD standard tactics of blame shifting and projection. I have a feeling your leaving has caused your girl friend with BPD to act very erratically with her own children. She may be raging at them for any perceived slights no matter small. Rather than own up to her own mistakes with the children she is blaming it all on you. That's where the blame shifting comes in. Since you have not seen any of the dynamic, it is difficult or impossible to make any accurate determinations here.
So, her mindset was that she wants me to fix things with the kids. And I am now working on it. However, she is mad and says she doesn't understand why I am even bothering now, that my family should contact them so that the kids don't think they lost their grandparents, counsins, etc in addition to their dad. However, my mindset up until now has been that I am still their dad and would love to work things out. I just needed some time to heal myself to the point that I can start to heal my relationship with the kids (and my partner). It doesn't make sense because to me the kids never lost me.
Anyways, what I am getting at is this. We are not married, the kids are not mine, the home is not mine. I still consider them my family and want to try to fix things between us. However, she is pretty firm that things are over (yet still sending mixed signals - like starting to cry/get mad when I ask when I can come get the rest of my things or holding my hand or saying I love you).
If possible, I strongly suggest finding a couple's or family therapist to use as a mediator to navigate all of this. This is a really complicated situation. The real losers here will definitely be the children if you are not able to find a path forward that keeps you and your family in the children's lives.
How old are these children? Certainly more than 9 years old.
It sounds like their biological father is completely out of the picture. Is there more to the puzzle there? Have you ever met him in custody handoffs or anything like that? Is he someone you can trust?
She said I can have any relationship I want with the kids but I worry she has already poisoned things in that regard. What the hell do I do?
I think working with a trained professional to bring you all together in a mediated fashion is going to be your best approach to sort this out.
I think at this point, I just focus on myself and talk to the kids. Do some things with them if they are open to the idea and do not communicate much with my partner (certainly not ignore her but keep the interactions brief).
You will need to keep her in the picture since they are not legally your children. I'm by no means a legal expert on this stuff. However, I get the sense that all visitations would need to be agreed to with her. Any sort of communication or visitation should be well documented that she is consenting to it. In fact, be sure to keep track and try to document all of your communication. She has already gotten the police involved once for some reason. Therefore, you will need to tread very carefully.
Maybe she will stop painting me black and be open to a discussion in the near future? Or I should just move on to a new and exciting phase of my life after recovering from the grief? I also worry that if I stay involved in any way (even with just the kids) that I will not recover from my depression and continue to be sucked into the drama vortex.
It sounds like this has really escalated to the current situation for a little over a month. Three months after the initial breakup of my relationship, my therapist said to me, "It is too soon to see where everything is going with you two." That was about two years ago, and things have gotten better for me. So believe me when I tell you there is hope that things will work out and be OK.
If I was in your shoes, I would not be rushing to make any major decisions about your best path forward. If you are conflicted about continuing the relationship, then work in the direction that you want to save it, though. Otherwise, there will be no hope to do so later.
What is most important is for you right now is to focus on self-care. You have to exercise, look for a job, get in therapy if you aren't already in it. Try and stay positive.
