Matt73
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7
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« on: April 07, 2023, 06:06:01 PM » |
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I have been married almost 28 years to the same woman. Its had it major share of downs with a couple ups here and there. We were married very young and in the beginning I attributed a lot of the impulsive actions and behaviors to be a result of marrying so young, and while I was hurt by a lot of the actions I continued to push through, although I slowly became an alcoholic, using alcohol to suppress my feelings. There are so many details and experiences from 1995 thru 2016.. but by 2016 my wife had enough of the relationship and the drinking and I was asked to leave. I moved out, I took the kids and the dogs with me.. I was a wreck for a few months, and then I started to pickup my life and the pieces and go things going…my wife had completely removed herself from my life and was dating and “moving on”. So I conducted myself the same and started living my life…. and 7 months later after I met somebody and it became known to my wife, my life changed forever.
That’s when it became an immediate reversal of her wanting to be with me again, her admission to mistakes in the past, etc.. that is when the threats began to inflict problems with my career.. and while still having separate homes we had begun the process of trying to figure things out and “rekindle”.
A month or so passed by and I just wasn’t happy, I had realized a better life, healthy engagement with friends again, my family, I had been.. “set free”.. I was happy. I expressed that I didn’t want to continue the marriage to my wife and it was like her entire life collapsed and that was the beginning to a very violent and chaotic 5 year period. It kicked off immediately that day, with her driving her car directly into mine, proceeding to drive to our other home where another vehicle was located and destroy it. Broken windows, slashed tires, dents, etc..
Over the next year I dealt with this reaction, I cleaned it up, and agreed to keep working on things with the understanding that I had caused all the pain and hurt for her to act that way. Me not coming home early from work one day incited an attempt at suicide, physical violence towards (hitting, throwing objects, scratching) me if I wasn’t fully into her or supplying the required attention. My drinking continued to worsen until the beginning of 2018, at which time I went to rehab and got sober. I have had a different outlook and perspective on our marriage and relationship ever since I became sober, which I still am to this day. 2018 thru 2021 brought on a lot of violence towards me, outbursts, rage, chaotic behavior, driving away after taking pills, having the police involved, paramedics.. I felt that I just became this person to diffuse and keep diffusing so that violence and rage wouldn’t come.. typically I was the idiot or the wishful thinking one.. there would be moments when everything was calm and we would sit down and talk about our marriage and how it wasn’t working.. and the moment I agreed the best thing to separate and divorce.. kaboom! Her world would collapse into these episodes and violence towards me.
While I knew this wasn’t acceptable behavior and I deserved more, I felt trapped and still to this day feel trapped because of the violence against me and unpredictable behaviors of the past. After each episode there was apologies and admission of shame, guilt, and wrong doing. I suggested therapy. She was always reluctant but did seek help with a “life coach” that, in her words, put her in a much better place. The behavior continued. She then found Neurofeed back therapy and after 100 sessions feels she is a great place, has control of her emotions, and is ready to accept anything in life and even losing me. We are still married, living together under one roof but completely miserable together. We don’t do anything, I have no interest to participate in anything she is involved with or plan anything.. im just done but.. trapped inside my head with what may happen. Anytime there is conversation of divorcing or parting ways, I cave in and say we can make it work and reassure her “things will be ok”, “we are gonna get there”, “its just gonna take time”.
I am at my wits end with this marriage and living with her and not being able to live my life in peace.. how do I break free of this feeling that the world will collapse if I try again? would i be kidding myself to think she is actually going to be ok with ending things, and it would be amicable?
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