What needs to happen is an openness of the participant to reexamine their model of the world and realize that they perceive themselves as victims, learn how to be less emotionally reactive, and learn certain people skills they’ve neglected to learn, such as empathy for others.
Hi aresultofgrace,
My dbpdw went through dbt a bit before we met. This was following a suicide attempt, self harm and eating disorder. My wife did not complete the course, but it did help her beat these problems. I was interested to read Cat’s quote above. My wife’s explanation of dbt is this: “I learnt mindfulness, which helped me to beat my self harm and eating disorder.” Like, that is literally all she ever says about it. I have often wondered whether they cover issues which would affect their partner, for example being controlling of their partner, being angry and jealous and clingy, constantly critical and having no empathy for us. Sometimes when I’m talking to my wife it’s like she zones out and whilst I understand dissociation is a habit learnt from sexual abuse, I do wonder if she zoned out during those times of the class, or if she just doesn’t want to share it with me. During our time together (nearly 9 years), it has never been discussed between us that any of her crazy behaviour is bpd related. I did manage to make many improvements when I started using the tools shared on here as well as reading, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. My wife stabilised for over a year but then lost it again after birthing our third child six months ago and I’m still waiting and hoping she will move beyond this latest split soon. I know I have made much progress, and even my mindset changing will be such a better place for the children to grow up. I still fear for them though. The serious incidents that worry me are only a few times a year, (I know because I share most of it on here), but it still concerns me.
Some examples are;
- bpdw screeching at me to put our 2 year old down and stop reading to her. She was jealous of us getting closer since new baby arrived. Someone on here suggested I refuse, so the next time when I tried it, my wife snatched the child from me and physically threw me out of the room.
- Child requested that I read her a bedtime story instead of bpdw. Bpdw screeches, “I know when I’m not wanted! I’ll fk off then,” and storms out the room.
- wife snatched an apple off my daughter because she felt I undermined her in giving it her when my wife said she couldn’t have a snack (the general understanding here is the fruit is always allowed, hence I didn’t feel I was undermining her).
- there was an incident recently with Mother’s Day cards where my wife destroyed her own card because I said my daughter could draw a picture for my mother in the card. She then snatched my card from her but I made sure she got to finish it later.
- The most recent incident was I stupidly interfered trying to give her advice about cornflake cakes and she threw the cornflakes and saucepan all over the floor, shrieking her head off in front of the kids of course.
I don’t know if your husband is at all like this, but this is my experience of the worst times parenting with her, and I worry about my children’s mental health growing up.
My wife is very controlling and especially with the babies she has breast fed them all, bed shared and spent most of the time with them when they’re small. They do seem very emotionally healthy children, loving, kind, helpful, friendly, confident. But they are only 3.5, nearly 2, and 6 months. I also question whether this marriage lasting is the best thing for them. And it’s very hard to know the answer to that.
