I am hitting an cutting myself don’t know what to do

[sam_the_wise]

She is intent on making me the bad guy. Everything I do or say is turned against made out to be sign of my tiny heart, or cheapness or misogyny or patriarchal mindset. I cannot help but start hitting myself when she starts name calling it has become easier and easier and I know feel relieved with physical pain. I think I need help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey sam_the_wise, glad you reached out. It can take a lot to be honest with others about hitting yourself. It's a really good thing that you can observe those behaviors and recognize that it's a sign you need some more help and support -- what that tells me is that your rational mind wants to protect and care for you.

sam_the_wise, can you remind me if you have a counselor or therapist?

Let's get through tonight, one step at a time.

[SinisterComplex]

She is intent on making me the bad guy. Everything I do or say is turned against made out to be sign of my tiny heart, or cheapness or misogyny or patriarchal mindset. I cannot help but start hitting myself when she starts name calling it has become easier and easier and I know feel relieved with physical pain. I think I need help.

Sam, We understand here. Truly the most important I need you to hear from me and take to hear is to be kind to YOU right now and take care of yourself. You will see I trumpet this rather frequently on the boards. There is good reason for that...both things are taken for granted and often the 2 things that go out the window when they shouldn't.

My friend, I know you think think the physical pain is relieving you, but I assure you it is temporary and it is a situation where the mind is focusing on a different sensation...physical pain and not emotional and mental pain. Thus the "relieving feeling" is fleeting and what you are left with is actual pain and potential damage.

You are on emotional overload and its got you warped. It happens. You are human. What you are going through right now is too much. Please seek help. You need to see a professional who can provide you with one on one support. You cannot hold all this in and let it cause destruction. We care about you and we want to see you get better and get healthy.

Please keep us updated and again...be kind to YOU and take care of YOURSELF.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Turkish]

Sam, how are things now? How are you doing, are you safe?

[sam_the_wise]

I don’t think I am safe. It was not that bad for a while, I am feeling like this again, with her saying how bad I am to her and how I hurt her.

[kells76]

How is tonight looking? When you say that you don’t think you’re safe, is that long term, or also short term (like getting thru the night)?

Keep chatting with us as much as you need to. Really glad you checked in again.

[sam_the_wise]

It is same. She is accusing me of things I didn’t do. Making outrageous statements about me. I started listening to that audio book stop walking on egg shells and I am even more angry. Do the authors even know what they are talking about, they say don’t listen quietly but don’t defend, deny, counterattack or withdraw. What the heck am I supposed to do!

[Rev]

It is same. She is accusing me of things I didn’t do. Making outrageous statements about me. I started listening to that audio book stop walking on egg shells and I am even more angry. Do the authors even know what they are talking about, they say don’t listen quietly but don’t defend, deny, counterattack or withdraw. What the heck am I supposed to do!

Hi Sam,

At this stage, I am hearing that she is verbally attacking you and not physically attacking you?  Is that correct?

My name is Rev and I am here to stay with you.

Are you physically safe?  If not, are you able to withdraw to another part of where you are living (home / apartment)?  If not, are you able to leave altogether to get some distance?  

At this stage, based on what I am reading, space and time, to bring things to a neutral place may be best. If the book is not working for you, place it aside. What is most important right now is your psychological and physical safety.  

What do you think?

Rev

[kells76]

I’ve heard some categories of pwBPD described here — probably from the work of Bill Eddy. The categories are:

-generally cooperative, not dangerous
-not cooperative, not dangerous
-not cooperative, AND dangerous

My H’s kids’ mom is category 2: not cooperative, but not dangerous. It’s possible that the advice from the SWOE book is directed towards interactions with Category 2 pwBPD. She is very difficult to interact with, but not physically dangerous.

I’m wondering if your W is Category 3 — not cooperative, and also dangerous.

If that’s true, the you may need to consider doing less from SWOE and more of a “safety plan” approach. A good place to start is taking the MOSAIC Method assessment at www.mosaicmethod.com — the results can help you understand your situation better.

(Edit — cross posted with Rev)

[sam_the_wise]

Thank you for responding everyone. I really appreciate it. No she is not physically attacking me. That’s not her approach.

I am not home now. I am on site but she calls and yells and blames me for destroying her life. If I detach with love and take time out she blames me for abandoning her the next time we talk.

If I listen she leaves no stone unturned to hurt me. She accuses me of things I didn’t do and wants me to internalize it and then blame me for lying to be a good person to get married to her.

What am I supposed do here? She berates me like I am a criminal. How do I empathize and validate that? If I say I understand this is how you feel……she says she doesn’t feel that it is a fact…if I don’t agree I get abused more.

[Rev]

Thank you for responding everyone. I really appreciate it. No she is not physically attacking me. That’s not her approach.

I am not home now. I am on site but she calls and yells and blames me for destroying her life. If I detach with love and take time out she blames me for abandoning her the next time we talk.

If I listen she leaves no stone unturned to hurt me. She accuses me of things I didn’t do and wants me to internalize it and then blame me for lying to be a good person to get married to her.

What am I supposed do here? She berates me like I am a criminal. How do I empathize and validate that? If I say I understand this is how you feel……she says she doesn’t feel that it is a fact…if I don’t agree I get abused more.

Thanks for checking in.

It really seems like you are in a no-win situation with her.  And so, what if we were to look at this from a different angle - in the sense that your questions are directed at changing her behavior.  This does not seem to be an option right at this moment.

What do you need for yourself - or rather - what is it that you want for yourself regardless of what her wants/needs are?  I am not suggesting that she doesn't factor, just that we approach this from a different focus.

What do you think?

Rev

PS - How much time do you have before you get home?  What do you mean that you are on site? Does that mean you are at work or something like that?

[Rev]

Thanks for checking in.

It really seems like you are in a no-win situation with her - or at least that she is trying to force you into believing that you are in a no-win situation. 

And so, what if we were to look at this from a different angle - in the sense that your questions are directed at changing her behavior.  This does not seem to be an option right at this moment.  Let's not focus on her behavior for a second and focus on what you want/need and get back to her in a second. 

What do you need for yourself - or rather - what is it that you want for yourself regardless of what her wants/needs are?  I am not suggesting that she doesn't factor, just that we approach this from a different focus.

What do you think?

Rev

PS - How much time do you have before you get home?  What do you mean that you are on site? Does that mean you are at work or something like that?

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for responding everyone. I really appreciate it. No she is not physically attacking me. That’s not her approach.

I am not home now. I am on site but she calls and yells and blames me for destroying her life. If I detach with love and take time out she blames me for abandoning her the next time we talk.

If I listen she leaves no stone unturned to hurt me. She accuses me of things I didn’t do and wants me to internalize it and then blame me for lying to be a good person to get married to her.

What am I supposed do here? She berates me like I am a criminal. How do I empathize and validate that? If I say I understand this is how you feel……she says she doesn’t feel that it is a fact…if I don’t agree I get abused more.

So Sam...honestly no one can tell you what to do. We can make suggestions and we can guide you the best we can. However, at the end of the day you are the captain of the ship.

So in the spirit of my brother Rev's take on things let's go with a different angle/approach here. What we need from you...

Still continue to vent, but I want to hear a focus on what YOU want not what you think your partner wants. Also, I want to hear what goals you have and what you think you have to do to accomplish those goals.

The point here is to have you conversing and getting the weight off your chest, but at the same time simultaneously shifting focus to other things which are taking a back seat. The only way we can help you is by focus on your mental health from multiple aspects not just your relationship.

Now something I want you to take some time on...how do you feel your relationship is yourself? What areas of opportunity do you think would be the best to focus on?

Now understand that I am not minimizing anything else, but rather taking a different approach. You are in a bad way so let's start small here and see what we can come up with? Sound like a plan?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[sam_the_wise]

I don’t want to be accused of things I didn’t do. I don’t have any big dreams. I just want a normal day in my life where I don’t feel like I am being trampled and then made to feel bad for reacting or wanting the pain to stop.

Everyone including that book says it is not in your control what she does. But if I don’t listen and I am in much bigger trouble later.

She called me and started name calling and profanity. I asked her to stop and not do it. I know how this plays out. I will be called even more names and profanity later. If I exit the situation I am called names and even more profanity. She is my wife so there is no escape.

What I don’t get is how can anyone say empathize with the BPD person and stand for yourself. BPD person is intent on bringing me down, I empathize with that I cannot stand for myself.

Like tell me “at the onslaught of name calling and profanity” what am I am supposed to say and do? Reading that book is feeling like I am responsible for being treated like this because I didn’t set the limits or boundaries.

[SinisterComplex]

I don’t want to be accused of things I didn’t do. I don’t have any big dreams. I just want a normal day in my life where I don’t feel like I am being trampled and then made to feel bad for reacting or wanting the pain to stop.

Everyone including that book says it is not in your control what she does. But if I don’t listen and I am in much bigger trouble later.

She called me and started name calling and profanity. I asked her to stop and not do it. I know how this plays out. I will be called even more names and profanity later. If I exit the situation I am called names and even more profanity. She is my wife so there is no escape.

What I don’t get is how can anyone say empathize with the BPD person and stand for yourself. BPD person is intent on bringing me down, I empathize with that I cannot stand for myself.

Like tell me “at the onslaught of name calling and profanity” what am I am supposed to say and do? Reading that book is feeling like I am responsible for being treated like this because I didn’t set the limits or boundaries.

So lets focus on the idea of escape. What does escape entail for you? Define that in your terms. Some other questions...do you belong to anyone? Does anyone own you? Are you an object?

Hey my friend I understand the pain...I do. However, I cannot magically make it go away...I wish I could for you no doubt.

With that said...Take some time here and do this for me. With your next response describe yourself and your personality prior to your partner, early stages of your relationship, mid stages, and then describe the now. This is an exercise so do not put too much pressure on yourself...reflect and put down what comes to mind (I promise there is no hidden agenda and there are no trick questions, no right or wrong answers). Share as much as you want to or as you deem necessary.

I will check back in tomorrow when I have a chance my friend. Keep your head up and know we are here for you.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

So lets focus on the idea of escape. What does escape entail for you? Define that in your terms. Some other questions...do you belong to anyone? Does anyone own you? Are you an object?

Hey my friend I understand the pain...I do. However, I cannot magically make it go away...I wish I could for you no doubt.

With that said...Take some time here and do this for me. With your next response describe yourself and your personality prior to your partner, early stages of your relationship, mid stages, and then describe the now. This is an exercise so do not put too much pressure on yourself...reflect and put down what comes to mind (I promise there is no hidden agenda and there are no trick questions, no right or wrong answers). Share as much as you want to or as you deem necessary.

I will check back in tomorrow when I have a chance my friend. Keep your head up and know we are here for you.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I'm just going to second every word of SC here.

I'm up for a bit if you need to continue posting.

I hear your pain too. We've both been there ... many of have. Abusers need to be told to stop. If they don't, then we need to support each other in getting free.

Hang in there.

We're in your corner

Rev

[sam_the_wise]

Prior to my partner or in early stages, I thought of myself as a sensitive and empathetic person. I was kind and honest with everyone who I interacted with. I felt good about myself. I wanted to do things that make me happy. I didn’t judge myself too much. I was not exactly happy before meeting her as I was going through a break up but when we started seeing each other online I was the happiest person. I felt I can be happy and can give happiness to her.

But since the moment she actually met me in person she had her doubts, I have ADHD which we know just now but she saw me messing things up and she was always on the fence about whether she loves me or attracted to me or not the moment she actually saw me. She never accepted me. She was unkind and nasty at worst and obsessed with her own grief about me being a messy person at best. We had good moments but they were always marred by her dissatisfaction with me.

We had one big fight when I entertained idea of having my parens visit for a few minutes which is in contrast with how I said that I want to keep them out of our lives. I immediately apologized and tried to reassure her that it was a just stray thought and I don’t have any lingering need to do that but she took that as my betrayal. I am now a scammer who lied to get married to her because she came onboard thinking I am an independent person and not under thumb of my parents, how typical Indian men are. I denied, defended, counteracted and now I am totally disassociated with her on this issue. This happened last June. It is been a year and her feelings about this are getting anything but stronger. She calls me liar, scammer wants me to own my truth which is that I want my parents to be totally involved in the marriage, that I am a misogynist, patriarchal person. She is like you created scam where you made me believe you are not all that but you have now revealed yourself when you expressed that idea last year. Even though I have completely cut of my parents from her from beginning. She has met them total of 4 times and not more them 2-3 hours at a time. I never said she should meet them or neither showed any signs that I desire that they get along, she misconstrued every single thing before and after that June incident where I entertained the idea of them visiting. I don’t have any desire to be with my parents or family whatsoever, coming to USA was my escape and I love it here that I am away from them. I want to keep it like that. That’s what I told her and now she thinks all that was scam and a lie and she cannot trust me anymore.

What this does to me is she is always in foul mood, there is no intimacy, fun or even peace. She is constantly accusing me finding more stuff in past putting it on me. The moment I get off work I have to listen to this. She doesn’t do what she is supposed to do, she flunked her classes, On campus job and I am in general under pressure of thinking how we are going to pay for her education if she keeps doing this. She just doesn’t care about anything. She blames me for the loss of health since last year. It is hostile environment. Feels like I am in hell and there is no respite.

[sam_the_wise]

The book says the BPD person has right to acknowledge
Right to emotional support encouragement and goodwill from the other -does my wife then have right to my emotional support, encouragement and good will when she is accusing me of never being attached to her or loving her?

Book says she also has right to have her feelings and experiences acknowledged to be real, so do I acknowledge that whatever bad things she thinks I am is real? If all that is true how can the author ask me to have any limits here? I am so frustrated and confused.

The book is saying exactly what my wife says that I didn’t acknowledge her feelings and experiences to be real.

I want someone to tell me how do you do both, acknowledge whatever they are accusing you of is true and yet not kill your self worth or violate your limits. Also,” I understand you feel this way and I know how much it hurts” doesn’t work for her if I am not begging for her forgiveness and admitting every single vile thing she is accusing me of. The other option is just exit the situation, I have been called names and made to fill guilty for abandoning her when I did that. No wonder I want to kill myself. That’s the only escape.

[sam_the_wise]

I have been called selfish for using I statements when I did that.

[Rev]

The book says the BPD person has right to acknowledge
Right to emotional support encouragement and goodwill from the other -does my wife then have right to my emotional support, encouragement and good will when she is accusing me of never being attached to her or loving her?

Book says she also has right to have her feelings and experiences acknowledged to be real, so do I acknowledge that whatever bad things she thinks I am is real? If all that is true how can the author ask me to have any limits here? I am so frustrated and confused.

The book is saying exactly what my wife says that I didn’t acknowledge her feelings and experiences to be real.

I want someone to tell me how do you do both, acknowledge whatever they are accusing you of is true and yet not kill your self worth or violate your limits. Also,” I understand you feel this way and I know how much it hurts” doesn’t work for her if I am not begging for her forgiveness and admitting every single vile thing she is accusing me of. The other option is just exit the situation, I have been called names and made to fill guilty for abandoning her when I did that. No wonder I want to kill myself. That’s the only escape.

Hey there my friend...  

What say you that we put the book aside for just a moment. It's pretty obvious to me that the book is not a great fit for your situation. I must admit that it wasn't a great fit for mine either.  Perhaps, as things are evolving, parts of it have become outdated.

There's something else I want to share with you. I don't know if this will resonate. But I am going to share in the hopes that you and I might connect - not in the details of my story needing to be just like your story - but that our suffering and the abuse I experienced in my relationship  hurt me just like you have been hurt.

I connected with people here. It gave me hope and it gave me permission to be really angry with her for everything she did to me - and bit by bit - no longer own it.  I kept connecting here. And gradually my friends began to believe me about how bad it was.

Today - four years later - here I am still connecting.

Dude - I feel for you.  

I just want you to know that you are seen here.


Keep reaching out.
Rev

[Rev]

I have been called selfish for using I statements when I did that.

Sorry, I am confused - Did what exactly? 

And being called selfish - classic way to kick a person when they are down.  I am sorry that happened to you.

Rev

[sam_the_wise]

I have started keeping calm and firmly asking her not to hurt me, she is like if you are so weak and selfish why are you even a relationship, if you don’t want to get hurt. She said she will be calling a divorce lawyer tomorrow and may borrow money from someone and just go to India. Constantly saying how her ex was better and how I am a typical man is her favorite thing to say. She knows I get triggered by that.

[sam_the_wise]

And she is like I am her oppressor because of what I said in June and after that I fought with her as I didn’t agree with whatever she was accusing me of being. So she thinks I am tone policing and I don’t have any right to tell her to not mock or insult me.

[Turkish]

What is the impact to you if she just leaves back to India?

You've tried the validation resources here and you don't feel that they're helping, yes?

You're depressed (maybe not as a Dx, but temporarily) enough to think about suicide. I felt SI in my relationship and it's tough to deal with those feelings while at the same time looking for a solution to save the relationship. Internal conflict meeting external conflict sucks, to say the least.

[ForeverDad]

She is my wife so there is no escape.

The other option is just exit the situation, I have been called names and made to fill guilty for abandoning her when I did that. No wonder I want to kill myself. That’s the only escape.

You've only been married a little over two years.  Pondering suicide is not healthy, yet you are in an exceedingly distressing dilemma.  Sadly, odds are that it will not get better, and even more sadly it is likely to get worse.  Learning the skills, tools and strategies our site shares is fine for a start, but it seems you need to do more than manage the demeaning remarks and accusations.  It is evident she is determined not to stop her verbal attacks.

I'm new to this discussion, but I've been here for many years.  My own spouse also said terrible things to me.  I started a difficult divorce and afterward was in and out of court for another six years struggling to parent when finally the court decision - in writing - acknowledged she was wrongly disparaging me.  Sadly, though my family court commented she needed counseling, it did not require her to do so.  The consensus here is that courts do oversee the unwinding of marriages but they never try to fix the spouses' mental health issues.

The one option I don't read you pondering (at least in this topic chain) is whether ending the marriage and "escaping" her disparaging attacks by means of divorce is something you've considered.  Would getting permanent distance be something to help you recover?  It's not an easy process and if you have children together then it would also be more complicated.

What do you conclude is an adequate strategy for improving your future?

She said she will be calling a divorce lawyer tomorrow... Constantly saying how her ex was better...

I had written my above post and just read this, so here are my thoughts.

(1) If her ex "was better" than you, then why is he her ex?

(2) She just gave you a heads up that she may take her aggressive attacks to a legal level, claiming you are the problem.  Quite possibly she is already planning to make you her next ex... but on her terms.  Pay attention to her words of notice/warning and get some inexpensive consultations with experienced family law attorneys in your area.  You don't need to immediately hire one while you get local insights and legal advice.  Learn both what to do/say as well as what not to do/say before, during and after a divorce.  Based on what she has done to you thus far, you need to protect yourself.  Buckle up and get prepared.

This is a short marriage - two years.  Many of us here took much longer than two years to figure out how bad it was and what to do about it.  There is a legal "escape" available to you.

[SinisterComplex]

Sam, I'll be checking in on you today. Unfortunately, I hit the wall last night and the grim reaper of sleep came for me and I had to pay my sleep debt. LOL. 

Anyway, I'll be around.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

Sam, so something I want you to work on...try to get away from the book. I understand emotionally what you are doing is looking for an anchor to keep you grounded trying to make sense of everything. While the thought process isn't bad in the sense it provides some sense of solace and direction it is a detriment in the sense that you will keep going back to the book and treating it as gospel. The book is not the end all be all and not like an oracle as in an answer of absolution.

So, why do you feel there is no escape? Why have you stayed in the relationship? What I am looking for here is a little extra thought. There is right or wrong answer.

Additionally, I think we have to get to a place of where you want to live for YOU. I see too much of your life's direction being at the mercy of someone else or something else. It is your life to live and each and every decision you make is YOUR choice.

Some people just don't mesh so don't try to stick a square peg into a round hole. I mean for example...there are plenty of people who are not a fan of me, even some cousins or relatives. However, I honestly don't give a S . Know why? If you try to please everyone you effectively please NO ONE. In essence, I focus on my own happiness and focus on how to improve and enhance my life. So the friends I do have that I click with I put in more effort and cultivate deep meaningful bonds. Quality over quantity 24-7-365. My more immediate family I am close to as well. However, there is a running theme behind it all here...even those who don't like me respect me. I strive to build my relationships around that more than anything else. I am liked, loved, and hated, but you would be hard pressed to find people who do not respect me. The point is that as long as there is respect you can always work together to find common ground and not let negative energy dictate your interactions.

Now use that just as an example and framework. In no way shape or form do I expect you to follow my words blindly or do I expect you to magically be like me. No, my friend I just want to provide perspective to help improve YOU and enhance your life. Maybe you take some of what I have said and use it to your own benefit. That's what friends do...we help make each other better. There are always multiple paths to take to achieve goals.

Also, I urge you to pay attention to what FD said here prior to me. Truly a phenomenal resource here and a lot of the time what he has to say lines up with my thoughts as well. Actually, his thoughts or questions were pretty much what I was going to mention so please take the time to heed his words.

Ultimately, what I see here your self-worth is not being destroyed by her. She is adding onto it yes. However, you already selling yourself short. That is what I see. So, let's start there. What would help you love yourself more and when you respond I have a rule and requirement...no mention of someone else as being a part of the equation of loving yourself more. This is a YOU thing.

I am around today. As you may have noticed we are all here for you and we all have your back.

Cheers and Best Wishes My Friend

[Pook075]

The book says the BPD person has right to acknowledge
Right to emotional support encouragement and goodwill from the other -does my wife then have right to my emotional support, encouragement and good will when she is accusing me of never being attached to her or loving her?

Book says she also has right to have her feelings and experiences acknowledged to be real, so do I acknowledge that whatever bad things she thinks I am is real? If all that is true how can the author ask me to have any limits here? I am so frustrated and confused.

The book is saying exactly what my wife says that I didn’t acknowledge her feelings and experiences to be real.

Hey buddy, I'm just hopping in the conversation and hopefully I can help.  You're getting great advice from others and our main goal is to help you focus on yourself and your immediate needs.

What the book was pointing out is that you can show empathy that your wife is hurting, but not acknowledge what she's accusing you of.  For instance, she feels betrayed that you reached out to your parents- the only important part there is that she's hurt and feels betrayal.  Regardless of whether it's true or not, she's hurt just the same.  So you empathize with that, without digging into her accusations.

One thing that I do have to add here is that it is not right for her to isolate you from your parents and family.  You should have a relationship there while also enjoying your independence away from them.  What she's asking is unreasonable and it is not your fault that she feels that way.  So stop apologizing for wanting to have your parents stop by.  You did nothing wrong there and you HAVE TO stop defending your actions.  The problem is her mental illness, not your family.

So again, show empathy that she feels betrayed, and focus on how that was not your intentions.  Do not apologize for wanting to speak to your parents. You love your parents and they love you.  It's normal to have a relationship with your parents.  Only talk about your wife's emotions and how you're there for her to support her.  

The later part of the eggshells book talks about boundaries, and this is a big part of a BPD marriage.    You can support her all you want, but at the same time that doesn't mean she gets to abuse you.  When it's time, draw your line in the sand on this one and let it know that the verbal attacks are not okay.  When it starts, walk away for a bit and let her cool off.  Or go visit a friend for a bit, go grocery shopping, whatever.  You have to make it known that screaming at you and calling you a bad person are not acceptable.

I hope that helps, so sorry you're going through this.

[Smedley Butler]

Sam I just want to tell you that you aren't alone. My situation is very similar to yours. I've read all the books as well, and they mostly make me say "yeah right". I've been known to smack myself in the side of the head in a rage to try to calm myself down. It's all very infuriating. Just know you aren't alone.

[sam_the_wise]

I had another incident. It was going well. We were camping. We were on a hike it was a perfect day and she started accusing me of being dishonest person for how I handled aftermath of the whole parent incident. As the book said I didn’t empathize with her when she was hurting, as I was not able to get over all the accusations and blames. I was calm but when She snapped at me for something different I lost it. She accused me of being arrogant for no reason. I pleaded with her explained her what I was saying.

She is again said I didn’t empathize with her hurt when she felt despite what my explanation is. She was running away at night out of campsite in dark. Wanted to drive to home in dark of night. I didn’t let her because it was not safe. She made us move camp at midnight. I was so angry that I just threw away the tent, sleeping bag and mattress. I ate dirt, hit myself. I am so ashamed of myself.

To answer your question, why I am in this . I am in guilt of leaving her and all the mistakes I did in past: I feel obligated to support her and when I don’t I feel the guilt.

I think I am going mad