I am hitting an cutting myself don’t know what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

I wish I was calm and firm and then just validated myself later by eating a sweet or something. I wish I had not lost control. Now I am roiling in guilt like never before and she knows too.

I don’t want to be in public place where she is upset and I am begging her and pleading with her to reconciled. I feel helpless and angry because I have been those situations a lot. But she says if you love a person it is not a problem to be in situations like this. It is my job.

Why I am such a failure…

[sam_the_wise]

I wish I was calm and firm and then just validated myself later by eating a sweet or something. I wish I had not lost control. Now I am roiling in guilt like never before and she knows too.

I don’t want to be in public place where she is upset and I am begging her and pleading with her to reconciled. I feel helpless and angry because I have been those situations a lot. But she says if you love a person it is not a problem to be in situations like this. It is my job.

Why I am such a failure…

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

I wish I was calm and firm and then just validated myself later by eating a sweet or something. I wish I had not lost control. Now I am roiling in guilt like never before and she knows too.

I don’t want to be in public place where she is upset and I am begging her and pleading with her to reconciled. I feel helpless and angry because I have been those situations a lot. But she says if you love a person it is not a problem to be in situations like this. It is my job.

Why I am such a failure…

Hey buddy.  It feels like you really need a dose of some tough love, so I'm going to give it to you as lovingly as I can.  You love someone suffering from a mental illness, which means that the relationship will rarely be "fair" in terms of emotional support.  You have to be the bigger person, but when you try and fail, you're inflicting self-harm. 

That's no good, my friend, because you're worth more than that.

You are not a failure in any way, shape, or form.  She is sick and it's not in your power to cure her.  Only she can do that with proper treatment (and possibly medication).  What's happening in your relationship is not fair, and you really have two options here:

• Continue to try and blame yourself when things go badly
• Walk away, mentally reset, and put yourself first for a bit

Nobody here can tell you what the right answer is, but you have to stop blaming yourself and harming yourself.  My friend, you HAVE TO talk to someone local about this, whether it's a relative, a counselor, or even a pastor.  This is not your fault and you have to accept that, you need some support buddy and we can only do so much for you anonymously on the internet.

[sam_the_wise]

I am such a pathetic person. I hate myself. I fail her every time.

She is right in what she says. I am not a good person. I don’t show empathy to her when she feels that I have done something wrong. I want to be proven right at any cost. I have a big ego, which is destroying my life.

[ForeverDad]

You or your ego or your whatever she finds fault with is not destroying you.  Actually *she* is destroying your life.  While your life before meeting her was not perfect, it probably was reasonably normal, right?  So what changed?  She came into your life and everything became your fault.  And nothing you do will convince her that all her complaints are not your fault.  The only way 'out' is to undo the past few years with her.  You know by now she won't change.  It's up to you to change, and part of that is to accept your limits, she is unhealthy for you.

She is saying disrespectful things.  She's not truly accepting apologies.  How can you know?  You shouldn't have to apologize for the same things over and over again.

Here's another perspective.  You're both in pain.  But who is more active in hurting the other?  Have you heard of the sins of commission and the sins of omission?  While both are problematic, aren't hers more like the sins of purposeful commission and yours more like the sins of inadvertent omission?  The two are not equally comparable, IMHO.

In years past I read that BPD was considered a Blamer's disorder.  Blame shifting is another related phrase.  Sure, she has distress but not everything is your 'fault'.  It's not fair for her to dump all this onto you.

Have you pictured yourself as having an invisible shield (or impervious umbrella) where her callous remarks and biting criticisms - her sensitivities -  bounce off and can't harm you?

[sam_the_wise]

FD thank you so much for talking with me. I understand your point but I just can't get the balance of not letting her words hurt me and be empathetic. If I am doing former I always come off as smug, arrogant man who doesn't own his mistakes and if I do later I just acknowledge how I have wronged her like I am doing now and make all kinds of promises. It's all me. I need to take a stand here and choose a side and be consistent. I have fears, guilt and obligations both ways.

I do imagine the sheild. I kept repeating 3 Cs and 3 Gs .I can’t cure it, I didn’t cause it and I cannot control it. Get of their back, Get out of the way. Get on your life. However, every so often when she starts talking about how I didn't do right by her, I can't hold the shield. Her words get to me. The situation gets to me. I feel hopeless and helpless and I myself rage and abuse myself. I want to abuse myself more than she can. If she throws something at me I pick it up hit myself more with it. If she says I am bad, I say even meaner things about myself out of frustration which does nothing to give her empathy. It is very shameful afterwards, to think about the things I do and say. I am feeling maybe I am BPD or some other disorder.

[sam_the_wise]

Come to think of it after initial outburst. I just wanted to go to the tent and sleep. She wanted to talk and make me understand that what I said and my tone was arrogant and despite what my intent is words hurt. I refused to accept that I meant or said anything like that. She just took off from the tent and started running in the dark towards the road and I was calm but she said she wants to die and me to die too and threatened to sue me and my parents. I got paranoid, angry and I acted out. I asked her for divorce she got all emotional and hurt. She started to show me how it is all my fault and I shouldn't be the one asking to be out. I need to be humble and I have no humility.

I don’t know what to think anymore. She is in the other room, all depressed and broken. I am so ashamed of myself.

[ForeverDad]

Many, if not most, people with BPD (pwBPD) are expert manipulators.  They've had many years to practice on others.  They can sense our weaknesses.  And they use our weaknesses to manipulate and control us.

Maybe she is distressed.  Maybe.  We're not there to experience contact with her.  But the negativity is very evident and overwhelming.  Despite all her repeated claims to want to commit suicide... she's still alive to this day.  Ponder that.  She's whipsawing you all over your emotional depths but she's still around.

Though she's not met a single one of us here in peer support, she's likely had prior relationships.  Probably she's shared them with you.  And they're all ended relationships, right?  Oh, and all of them were absolutely horrible men, right?  Really?  All of them?  And initially she said you were so different from them?  Yet now she's driving you into the depths of despair? ... Do you see a pattern here?  Once she has her target in an obligated relationship such as marriage, she then tears you apart, then when it is finally over, she moves on to the next victim.

How close to the reality was the paragraph above?  Can you see it's all about her, yet she manipulates you to believe it's all about you, it's all your fault.

But it's not all your fault.  Sure, you're not perfect, but you're not a horrible person either.  The problem is she's letting you hold on to that reality.  Every time you make a stand, she literally must tear you down until you're a shamed mass of guilt.

You can't help her.  You've tried and tried and failed.

You can't explain/defend yourself.  You've tried and tried and failed.

She is toxic to you.  There's an old story about a about a frog and a scorpion.  Scorpion begs help to cross a stream.  Frog helps the scorpion but gets stung once they've crossed the stream.  Frog is dying and asks, "I helped you. Why?"  Scorpion replies, "It's what I do."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcSyHA8UngQ

[babyducks]

Sam,

You are a good person.   It may not feel like that right at this moment today, but you are a good person.   I can see you are a good person and so can the others who are here chatting with you through this board.

I can see how hard you trying to do the right thing.   and how hard you are trying to make things work.

Here is what else I see.    She has a strong undeniable need to blame you for everything.   This keeps her emotionally safe.    If it is 'all your fault' she doesn't have to take responsibility, or face consequences.    She has a deep deep need to make you the bad person so she can be the good person.  It's really as simple as that.

You have a deep need to be recognized as the good person.    To do the right thing, to take responsibility, to care for, to make better and have that acknowledged.

These two needs - Her's to make you the bad person so she can, by comparison be the good person.   and yours's to be recognized as a good person who acts in good ways, are in direct opposition to each other.

She cannot give up on her need because she has a shame/blame based disordered where she literally cannot tolerate not being absolutely perfect.  You would have to share with us why you so desire her recognition of your inner qualities.

you two are locked in a struggle of who is the bad person and who is the good person.    the struggle goes on and on and on, until one or both of you collapse emotionally and act out.   

The trick is to not engage in this struggle of who is good, who is bad, who is at fault, who is right, who is wrong.  Do not engage with conversations that are only about your supposed faults.  Do not engage with conversation about how you didn't do right by her.    These conversations never get you anywhere.   They have never resolved anything.    They don't improve anything.      Allowing yourself to be verbally abused does not make her any better.   

You need a break from this cycle of conflict.   So does she.   I am not saying it's going to be easy.   Distancing ourselves from the type of verbal abuse that you are experiencing is hard.   We can help walk with you through this.

How are you today?

'ducks

[sam_the_wise]

Hey Duck, thank you for your kind words. It is hard to believe them right now, because I think I have messed up. I keep cycling through these states where I go back to feeling unfairly treated and regretting it all when I act out and see the effects.

You are right. I need to break this cycle. Although your suggestion of not engaging in such discussions or arguments is what she blames me for. In her view I made mistakes, she has now come to point where she has almost forgiven those. However, my resistance to blame, and name calling is what she hates me for. She says I am apathetic, arrogant and cruel. I don't know what to do here?

She sent me long messages last night about how I never loved her. What do I say to stuff like this,.

“I thought you’d never leave my side. Thought you were my best friend, my lover, my soulmate, but you don’t even love me. You resent me for who I am. You don’t like the person I am.”

[sam_the_wise]

Thank you FD for the perspective.

She says no one but her can be judge of how bad I am. I have self worth issues, and even with everyone here saying I am a good person, I cannot believe it. For one thing maybe you see me as good because, you never heard her part of the story and I have been painting only my good side. She says I am a child and I never  supported her and it is hard to shrug it off.

Right now I am at the point again where I crumble and make promises to her which I cannot keep. It is hard not to do that. If I don't do it I am just the person she described me to be, one who never loved her.

[Ozzie101]

Hello Sam, and welcome. You’re getting some wonderful, wise advice here and I hope you are able to use it to improve your situation — or, if nothing else, that it helps you know you are understood and supported here.

So much of what you say resonates with me. When I first came here 4.5 years ago, I, too, felt like a horrible person. My uBPD husband was verbally abusive. He would bring up the smallest, most innocuous-sounding (to me, anyway) thing and berate me repeatedly over it. He would do amazing mental gymnastics to make things my fault.

And I was convinced he was right. I was a horrible wife. A terrible stepmother. I had ruined H’s life.

But none of it was true. Over the years, through the advice and support I found here and through my therapist, I was able to at least somewhat regain my inner self. H is much better than he was (largely because he was willing to see the part he played and to get professional help). But the main thing is, I changed myself. I found that strength and finally heard the voice inside me saying “what he says isn’t true. This is not ok.”

Having that voice made all the difference for me. I felt like I had “permission” to put myself first. To take care of myself. To walk (or drive) away when I needed to. And to let him experience the consequences of his own actions.

It’s not perfect. I still struggle. And we still have bad nights. But I no longer believe it’s my fault,

I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself and start on the road to recovery, whatever that looks like to you. I hope you can find that voice inside that speaks the truth and that it becomes louder than all the other things you’re hearing.

You are a good, caring person. (You wouldn’t feel responsible otherwise.) You deserve to be physically and emotionally safe. And you deserve to be treated with mutual kindness and respect.

You posted after I wrote the above.

The things she says are demeaning and manipulative. No, we’re not hearing her side. But there’s no version of her side that would make her treatment of you OK. That’s just not how a healthy relationship works.

She’s trying to trigger you with her words and accusations and her claims of “everyone would agree with me.” These are things I heard many times. Only when I started to see them for what they are (provocation, manipulation, desperate attempts to control and win) did they stop having an impact on me.

Please keep reaching out. I promise you, the people here care and can help you. It may not be easy. But we can help. We’ve got you.

[sam_the_wise]

She is crying now that I never loved her and I am not sure what I can do, if I deny that will be another fight. I just cried with her and had to leave to catch a flight. I feel like a criminal. When she was raging trying to do dangerous things I said very cruel things like “don’t be my responsibility then do whatever you want”. Safeguarding myself turns me into this selfish monster who is not empathetic and I hate that.

[babyducks]

So good that you keep talking Sam.   Nice job.   that's one way to take care of yourself.   

You are right. I need to break this cycle. Although your suggestion of not engaging in such discussions or arguments is what she blames me for. In her view I made mistakes, she has now come to point where she has almost forgiven those. However, my resistance to blame, and name calling is what she hates me for. She says I am apathetic, arrogant and cruel. I don't know what to do here?

Can we talk about verbal abuse here?  I am not an expert.   But.   From where I sit you are being verbally and emotionally abused.   can you think about what's abuse and what is an emotional dysregulation?  don't make yourself uncomfortable but just lightly touch on what's abuse and what's someone having an emotional meltdown.   what's the difference?   where is that invisible line in the sand.

when we are chronically verbally, and emotionally abused things happen to how we see the life around us.   Just like Ozzie101 said so perfectly.   We get convinced of things that are not true.   That is how abuse works.

the other thing that happens when we get abused over long periods of times is we (all humans)  try to find ways to make the abuse stop.    being good boys and girls most of us try harder to make our partners and spouses happy.   if we can please the person who is hurting us, maybe they will stop hurting us.   right?    we've all done that to greater and lesser degrees.   many of us have twisted ourselves right into a pretzel trying to make someone happy so they would stop hurting us.

I want to abuse myself more than she can. If she throws something at me I pick it up hit myself more with it. If she says I am bad, I say even meaner things about myself out of frustration which does nothing to give her empathy.

when that doesn't work, when we can't make the abuse stop, we try to find ways to take control of it.   and when I say we, I really mean all human it's human nature, the way we are wired.    when the abuse gets so bad you can't stand it anymore you participate in it.   because it provides a sense of control.    after all, you are in charge of what stops and starts now.   it's a coping mechanism.    it's not a good coping mechanism  but it's a way to cope.   it has to be scary as hell to reach the point of interpersonal violence where it feels better to turn it on yourself rather than allow someone to do and say things to you.

I know that's a lot to absorb.   so I hope you are still hanging in there with me.   take a couple of deep breaths.

Safeguarding myself turns me into this selfish monster who is not empathetic and I hate that.

I don't believe this is true at all Sam.  Not even a little bit true.    The old saying is I shouldn't have to set myself on fire to keep you warm.     Safeguarding yourself is step one to breaking this cycle of conflict that is injuring both of you.   Safeguarding yourself puts you in a better position to respond positively when there is an emotional challenge.   Abuse is never okay.    Never.     You are not a bad person.    and her calling you one is a way for her to obtain and maintain control and power over you.   when she abuses you - you do what she wants until you can't stand it anymore.      trying to make her happy so the angry hurtful wife retreats is an abuse coping mechanism.   she's responsible for her feelings.    not you.    if you were truly all these things, she is calling you, why is she still with you?    why hasn't she taken steps to change things?   

the answer is because she is getting something out of this relationship.   she is getting a place to dump all her negative and painful emotions.   on you.   she is making you responsible for everything she feels and does.    and that's not right, its not even possible.

'ducks

[Ozzie101]

Babyducks is sharing a lot of truth.

It is very hard to see people we love hurting. I’ve been there. It’s natural to want to take that pain away.

Here’s the thing (and I understand, from experience, that you may not be ready to accept this yet): no matter what she says, you didn’t cause the pain. It’s far deeper than that and predates you. Also, you can’t fix it. As ‘ducks points out, it’s very common for the pwBPD to latch onto something. “If you would just do X, everything would be better/I would be happy.” But it’s a mirage. There’s no “one thing” that will fill the hole or fix the wound. You can twist yourself in knots and be utterly broken down trying to repair something you ultimately can’t mend.

I know that’s not exactly a pleasant thought. But my hope is that you can start moving toward a place where you can separate what’s “yours” and what’s “hers” and eventually find the strength to break the cycle.

[sam_the_wise]

Thank you Ducks and Ozzie, although looking at how broken she is all I wanted to do was cancel my flight and make promises again and see that this time I don’t break them.

She doesn’t think what she does is abuse. According to her it is her grief, pain and hurt and she is asking me accountability for hurting her. See, I made a mistake, refused to give her understanding or empathy, she believes the distress she was showing and shock she felt because of my mistake is reason she was diagnosed with BPD and she is not really BPD. Not only that I asked her to take medication and asked her to go back to her place where she goes to college when she had come to visit me as I had too much of fighting and I wanted to end it. She repeatedly asked me to take her back even begged me, I cried with her and I told her we gotta stop fighting, I cannot take it anymore. I was decorating for her birthday and she remembered how I have wronged her by taking a U turn on a key promise of our marriage and I couldn’t take it and I ran away. When I came back for our couple’s therapy session I had the phone on with therapist and I let her yell at me and without telling her that call is on and said she is making me crazy and abusing me. All this happened on her birthday. I took her for granted, when it was her first birthday with me I didn’t do a thorough plan, and didn’t even have a cake as the place where we went to have dinner didn’t give one, they had just brownies. I have wrote about it in my previous post after which I took a break from here.

She thinks I am her oppressor and as an oppressor I don’t have any right to tone police or object to her call for accountability. If I was so averse to that I shouldn’t have made the mistake. I have no right to call it abuse, it is like saying reverse racism, unethical. So me calling this abuse, feeling that I am hurting, making it about me or even thinking of how painful it is and asking her to stop it, or hurting myself to take control is a sign that I don’t care about her. This is what she thinks. Is that wrong?  I destroyed her life. Didn’t I?

[Ozzie101]

I can’t pretend to understand the feelings tangled in the caste system or how that can impact your wife.

But regardless, there is no excuse for abuse of any kind. Even big mistakes do not make it ok for one partner to continually “punish” the other. There are much healthier ways to deal with those conflicts.

It sounds to me more that she’s playing the “blame” game — shifting all responsibility/accountability for her own actions into you, thereby attempting to avoid consequences. This is a very common thing in BPD relationships and many of us have experienced it. Very common in abuse as well. How many abusive spouses have told their victim “you’re making me do this” or “it’s your fault I’m beating you” or “why do you make me do this?”

It’s not right. No matter who’s doing the abusing. There’s just no legitimate excuse.

[sam_the_wise]

She just sent me  messages where she is calling me a misogynist because I couldn’t take her PMS mood swings and asked her not to hurt me. A lot of name calling, long messages full of it. When we were fighting during camping, I told her that begging, pleading when you misunderstood me even when I am explaining what the misunderstanding is, in a public place, is demeaning. I am a prick, misogynist and male chauvinist pig, I so want to start hitting myself right now.

[babyducks]

Why would you think you destroyed her life?

[babyducks]

A few hundred years ago there was a Czar of Russia who had stomach cancer.    When the pain got to much for him, he would hold his hand over a candle.

Why would he do that?

Because it made his brain focus on something else.

Something that he could control to a degree.   

And he got some relief from the pain coming from some place different.

Hitting yourself won't help long term.   Can you see that?

[sam_the_wise]

Yes I can, but I am in too much pain. If I just ignore her, she will be even more abusive and pissed.

[babyducks]

You probably don't remember Patti Hearst. She was kidnapped and held hostage by a violent political group.   

She ended up joining the group and participating in their violent events.

Why would she do that?

Because it was safer for her both emotionally and physically to agree with them.

When things escalate between you two, joining her in her extreme thinking and behavior might feel like a reasonable choice but it is the opposite of that.

[sam_the_wise]

All I want to do is shut all the contact and have peace. But I know I will get more brutal name calling when I get back. I have done this before. I am facing the consequences till this day. Does this ever stop?

[sam_the_wise]

They say on this website I should empathetically listen to the person and not tell them they are wrong. They say, I understand how you feel makes a world of difference. It doesn’t. She yells back at me and says stop being a therapist it is not what I feel, it is a fact that you are all these bad things. Now where do I set boundary and where do I e pathetically listen? I don’t know how to do both at the same time.

[ForeverDad]

She yells back at me and says stop being a therapist it is not what I feel, it is a fact that you are all these bad things.

No responsible therapist would have a close emotional relationship with a patient.  All your research sounds to her like a therapist's words and that triggers her to resist listening even more. 

I once read an explanation, that the combination of past history with the close relationship makes it extraordinarily for the pwBPD to truly listen to you, your fine intentions cannot get past her emotional baggage of your close relationship together.  It is admirable that you've tried and kept trying, but can you admit to yourself that more trying would still not make a difference?

This observation has been attributed to Albert Einstein:  "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Though this is the bettering board, there does come a point where even the most devoted of us have to admit we can't fight the reality of severe dysfunctional dangers.  She speaks of suicidal thoughts.  You too are brought to your knees (in a manner of speaking) searching for ways to make your relationship succeed.  It's not, it is failing.  We wish it weren't but that's the reality at this point.

You've never commented thus far, can you venture to ponder whether ending the relationship would make both your lives less frustrating, less stressful and give you both a chance to recover and find comfort away from the triggers that exist between you?

[sam_the_wise]

FD thank you for understanding my pain. It is exactly like how you put it. It has just gotten worse, every time I lost my patience and stopped agreeing to her or fought back or stood my ground or tried to assert my limits or boundaries. All that past history is added and it triggers her even if there is nothing happening. She would remember something I said and rage. She calls it her grief, or asking me accountability because I broke her dreams. I said something and didn’t follow. The list is endless.

I don’t want to go yet, because when I tried to do that, I couldn’t follow through. Her heart is in right place. She is just mentally ill. She doesn’t want to acknowledge that but she is. And I don’t want to give up on her just yet. I am frustrated with her but thought of leaving her is too much for me. If she leaves me that’s another matter. I will be happy for her.

[Rev]

I don’t want to go yet, because when I tried to do that, I couldn’t follow through. Her heart is in right place. She is just mentally ill. She doesn’t want to acknowledge that but she is. And I don’t want to give up on her just yet. I am frustrated with her but thought of leaving her is too much for me. If she leaves me that’s another matter. I will be happy for her.

Hi Sam,

It sounds like you are finding some personal motivation here. How does it feel to affirm that you have more than one/thought feeling about what to do?  Can you say more about that?

Unpacking that might help you to maintain your own center and help you figure out what you feel is best for you. What do you think?

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

FD thank you for understanding my pain. It is exactly like how you put it. It has just gotten worse, every time I lost my patience and stopped agreeing to her or fought back or stood my ground or tried to assert my limits or boundaries. All that past history is added and it triggers her even if there is nothing happening. She would remember something I said and rage. She calls it her grief, or asking me accountability because I broke her dreams. I said something and didn’t follow. The list is endless.

I don’t want to go yet, because when I tried to do that, I couldn’t follow through. Her heart is in right place. She is just mentally ill. She doesn’t want to acknowledge that but she is. And I don’t want to give up on her just yet. I am frustrated with her but thought of leaving her is too much for me. If she leaves me that’s another matter. I will be happy for her.

So Sam, obviously there is a lot to work on here and there is a lot to unpack. However, first I want to address something so it sinks in for you. Any BS you hear that you are selfish or lacking empathy needs to be completely dismissed. How do I know this? I don't need to see you in person, meet you in person, or know all the specifics to know you are empathetic and you are far from selfish because you are here on this board. You would not be going through the feelings you do if you were a true narcissist. You would not pour out the emotion you have here on this board. So please stop letting that narrative enter your mind. Obviously you have a big heart and you care a great deal and you do not treat your wife as expendable. You are not a bad person, you are indeed a good person.

Additionally, the tone of your messages...you are not an aggressive, domineering personality. Your personality seems to be more non-confrontational so you are not the take no S this is how it is going to be type. That is completely okay as well. What you have to do is just be YOU.

Right now what I would say is that you are displaying symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome more or less. Almost in the sense like a pet that has been beaten and kicked repeatedly. Because of this your sense of what is healthy and what love is has become warped and subconsciously you are accepting the treatment you are because you believe it is what you deserve and that you are not supposed to do better or have better. Again, we have to work on having you love and respect yourself above all else.

Now before I go further I see my good friend FD has already mentioned this is the bettering board which does mean there are rules and guidelines that have to be followed. However, this is also where I will offer that we can always move your thread to conflicted if necessary for freedom of discussion. I say this for protection of everyone who comments in your thread. We cannot have stay or go/run messages here.

Now continuing on here one thing I want to point out to you. A lot of this chaos could very well be her way of S Testing you. She is purposefully being hurtful and pushing you to your limits to see how much you can take and to see how you will react. Now obviously with the behaviors displayed she is mentally ill. However, there could be a scenario where she is looking for you to battle through this and take the reins. Right now she doesn't respect you. Perhaps you have to work toward being respected and then perhaps your situation could improve. Do not take what I am saying here as gospel...I am just offering up a possibility here.

Furthermore, the focus of your discussion needs to be placed upon improving how you feel about yourself and how you view yourself. Beyond that we will get to the rest step by step. Always remember the phrase Rome was not built in a day. This will take some time and we are here to help you.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

Minutes ago I just came across a teaching fable that instantly made me think of your dire situation.

You did well to find, read and inform yourself about Borderline Personality Disorder.

You did fine in attempting to use appropriate communication skills and strategies to heal your relationship.

What you're having difficulty with is accepting failure when sadly it has become very clear your spouse refuses to change her perceptions.  This is not to say she will never change.  As the saying goes, Never Say Never.  But it is very unlikely she will ever change her behavior patterns.  At least, not by your efforts ... you are too close to her in a close relationship that already has a lot of perceived emotional baggage that she simply just can't or won't get past and Let Go.

Therefore, what you have left for yourself is to — at least for now and probably permanently — Let Go and Move On.

Fable: DON'T ARGUE WITH DONKEYS
The donkey said to the tiger:
- "The grass is blue".
The tiger replied:
- "No, the grass is green."
The discussion heated up, and the two decided to submit him to arbitration, and for this they went before the lion, the King of the Jungle.
Already before reaching the forest clearing, where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout:
- "His Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?".
The lion replied:
- "True, the grass is blue."
The donkey hurried and continued:
- "The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me, please punish him."
The king then declared:
- "The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence."
The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating:
- "The Grass Is Blue"...
The tiger accepted his punishment, but before he asked the lion:
- "Your Majesty, why have you punished me?, after all, the grass is green."
The lion replied:
- "In fact, the grass is green."
The tiger asked:
- "So why are you punishing me?".
The lion replied:
- "That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green.
The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that come and bother me with that question."
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on arguments that don't make sense...
There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not.
When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quiet are worth more.

https://www.bytesofindia.com/newsdetails?NewsId=5236385521654965353&title=DON%27T%20ARGUE%20WITH%20DONKEYS

[Turkish]

FD,

That's depressing. It reminds me of something I read about a father telling his son: "Do the right thing. You'll likely be punished for it. Do it anyway." Cynical? Maybe. But it's about being true to yourself and your own values.

[SinisterComplex]

I'll piggy back off big brother Turk here and say FD I find that to be a great reality check. Can it be depressing as big brother Turk mentions...yes 100%. However, it all depends on the perception you choose to use. Which lens works for you, etc.

Thank you as usual for the phenomenal input and sage wisdom FD.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-