Gaslighting and Projecting

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My confidence is so shaken and I feel a little crazy.  I do not understand why people gaslight and project their own flaws onto others.  It does not make sense and is not logical, but then, I guess that is why it is so crazy making.

My Mom says and does things, and then if they come up, she denies that she ever said or did them.  And, then she accuses me of the same thing.  We can never have any kind of talk because it deteriorates into gaslighting and then what do I do?

My sibling recently unloaded on me in a huge rage of scary anger... labelling me with things that are not true about me but are true of them.  I perceived that the safest thing was to keep my mouth shut because the anger was over the top.

The 2 of them have just about destroyed my sense of worth.

I am also wondering if people with BPD have "episodes" or "spells" of anger when they seem not to be present and then after they deny that it happened or maybe don't remember? Does my bpd family member have something else in addition to bpd or is this part of bpd?  This is very confusing.

Anxious to hear your experiences/advice/knowledge.

[So Stressed]

My confidence is so shaken and I feel a little crazy.  I do not understand why people gaslight and project their own flaws onto others.  It does not make sense and is not logical, but then, I guess that is why it is so crazy making.

My Mom says and does things, and then if they come up, she denies that she ever said or did them.  And, then she accuses me of the same thing.  We can never have any kind of talk because it deteriorates into gaslighting and then what do I do?

My sibling recently unloaded on me in a huge rage of scary anger... labelling me with things that are not true about me but are true of them.  I perceived that the safest thing was to keep my mouth shut because the anger was over the top.

The 2 of them have just about destroyed my sense of worth.

I am also wondering if people with BPD have "episodes" or "spells" of anger when they seem not to be present and then after they deny that it happened or maybe don't remember? Does my bpd family member have something else in addition to bpd or is this part of bpd?  This is very confusing.

Anxious to hear your experiences/advice/knowledge.

[So Stressed]

I am replying to my own post because my reading this morning answered one of my questions.  I was reading the book, Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson. In her book, she has a section called, "She Flips Out."  I have been so troubled, fearful, and baffled by these "episodes" or "spells" that Mom has and wondered if this was part of BPD, or if she had something else also. And, by the way, Mom denies these situations have ever happened.  Lawson says, "Anyone who witnesses a psychotic episode will remember it ... The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state.  The pupils of the eyes enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look, and indicating the potential for attack or detachment from reality." (p. 25).

Wow! That's what happens!  And, the book also says that they may not remember it.  I am not crazy after all.  Mom gets into these states relatively frequently, then denies they happened or "sanitizes" her story to make it sound normal and that it was me that caused it.  Maybe I am not crazy after all.

[Riv3rW0lf]

So Stressed,

You are absolutely NOT crazy.

I could had written your post; it is a perfect depiction of my BPD mother's "episodes" as well. And yes, she doesn't seem to remember them either, or if she does, she will deny them.

The last time I remained in close proximity with her for longer than a few days, I became increasingly anxious and shaken as the signs of those episodes about to happen cumulated. They were inevitable, and it triggered my trauma. And a big part of those signs were the gaslighting, the constant projections of her emotions on me. It was absolutely and completely crazy making. She would go as far as calling herself "mama" to my children and treating me and calling me the "grandmother". It happened too often to be a random mistake, it was very very strange to witness it up front after having spent so much time away... Everything was so evidently psychotic. I had never seen her in that light, because I was young and used to it...

After I left, she wrote me an email, and the story she made up to explain the situation was completely... Well again, crazy making

So no... you are not crazy.

It's hard not to take those personally but I'd recommend taking a huge step back from their attacks and comments about you. Don't let their emotional struggle shake your sense of worth. Nothing they say is about you. They cannot even see who you are.

I now like to think they live in a world we cannot see, nor understand, parallel to ours. We share moments but those moment are experienced completely differently because we aren't built the same. They really believe their side is the only truth, just like us. And while we do not speak their language, they can understand it and use it against us for some reason. It is crazy-making because we are simply not wired the same way. It must be incredibly lonely for them, to live in a rational culture when everything about them is emotional, it must feel alien. But it is their cross to bear in this life and it doesn't mean we should tolerate their abuse and bend to their will every time they demand it.

Give yourself the right to believe in your own story.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I totally get it, it's hard to figure out the truth, when you're being lied to so much. And it's frustrating, and invalidating, and it's hard to unwrap, and it hurts.

One way I think of is like a little kid, if they got in a fight with another kid, they are like "No, he did it not me" and the other one says, "Nah uh, she did it not me", and it goes back and forth, both immature and unwilling to reflect on themselves, because they're too immature to do so.

It still hurts a lot, because it's hard to unwrap manipulations, and make sense of things, when we're being lied to. And it tends to cause an unreasonable level of self doubt, and affect our self esteem. I try to trust in my ability to figure things out over time. That it's okay to just feel upset, even if I get it wrong. That you can only make the best judgment you can at the time, and might make mistakes, but all you can do is make the best decision you can, for that day.

I also find it reassuring that I've researched a lot on the disorders, and have been able to spot a lot of it, in the past, so I'd rather make a mistake, trusting myself, than trusting someone who becomes disingenuous a lot more often than I am.

[livednlearned]

I remember reading something written by a person who suffers from BPD. She described returning to a house burnt down, surprised to discover people said she was the one who did it.

One of the more empathetic books on BPD, either Loving Someone with BPD (Shari Manning) or Overcoming BPD (Valerie Porr) describes the physiological aspects that happen with a full-blown rage and how it can impact memory.

They've been helpful but I found advice on boundaries the most helpful. I think when you've been raised to think BPD behaviors are normal it's more helpful to learn how to prevent or contain or stop or leave a conversation that might harm you.

[zachira]

The gaslighting and projecting are very hurtful and painful to experience. I have many disordered family members. From my perspectives, there are many aspects to these behaviors, and one size does not fit all. There are many defensive mechanisms that protect a very disordered person from taking responsibility for any wrongdoings or uncomfortable feelings of theirs, and they protect their fragile egos by gaslighting and projecting onto others. In some cases, they are aware of how wrongly they have blamed another person, yet the shame they feel, will not allow them to be accountable. In cases of a person having multiple personalities, which is more common than most people realize, specifically named Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), each personality functions separately making the person often unaware of what happened with other personalities. When a person is psychotic, they may not remember any of their behaviors. Then there are people who are more like psycopaths, who deliberately abuse others with no remorse for doing so.  

[Methuen]

My confidence is so shaken and I feel a little crazy.  I do not understand why people gaslight and project their own flaws onto others.  It does not make sense and is not logical, but then, I guess that is why it is so crazy making.

I think my mom gaslights and projects her own flaws onto me because that is how she dumps those awful feelings from inside of her.  She expels them onto others.  Once she accuses me of the thing that she struggles with (eg. being overly sensitive), it becomes a fact for her that I am overly sensitive, and she feels better because that feeling is no longer inside of her.  She's projected it on me and she feels better.    Food poisoning is a great metaphor.  When we have food poisoning our body expels the pathogens out one or both ends of the body.  A person with bpd expels the toxic feelings out of their mouth.  That's how I look at it.

My Mom says and does things, and then if they come up, she denies that she ever said or did them.  And, then she accuses me of the same thing.  We can never have any kind of talk because it deteriorates into gaslighting and then what do I do?

 Think of a time in your life where you did something that either intentionally or unintentially hurt someone else and it made you feel bad.  Most of us will talk it out and resolve it, apologize, explain some background context for our bad behavior, and take accountability for it, and tell the other person how badly we feel. Maybe we translate our words into behavior with some extra kindness or restitution.  Now, think of how bad you felt after hurting the person and multiply that X1000.  The intensity of the feelings a person with BPD experiences is so profound that they are completely overwhelmed and ashamed and don't have the capacity to take accountability.  So the coping strategy is to blame "you made me do it" or "why do you have to make me so angry?" OR, to forget it so they don't have to be accountable, or some other unhealthy strategy.  I believe there is also science behind being in such an altered emotional state, that once you are out of that state you can't recall it.  I have accepted that there is absolutely no point in trying to talk about or resolve the hurtful things they say/do in these episodes of theirs.  I doubt they have the capacity to resolve it with us, since many professional therapists and/or psychiatrists can't even help them.

My sibling recently unloaded on me in a huge rage of scary anger... labelling me with things that are not true about me but are true of them.  I perceived that the safest thing was to keep my mouth shut because the anger was over the top.

You did well not to reply.   You refrained from getting caught in her drama web and that was very smart, and showed incredible self restraint and courage on your part.  Additionally, the thing I have learned to do in these situations, is exit at the first sign of it.  Look at your watch/phone and say "I have to go now!".  I have told the story before of picking up my shoes and carrying them outside the front door on my way out...I didn't even take the time to put them on as she was screaming at me.  By staying and listening, we are giving them the message it's ok to abuse us that way.  One time she did it at my house with my H and daughter present, I left the room and went into my bedroom and did not come out.  She slammed the back door so hard on her way out of the house that the whole house shook.

Please do not say the two of them have destroyed your sense of worth.  

You are giving up your autonomy and your power, to say those words.  How about thinking instead: " it must suck to feel so bad about yourself that you can be so cruel to others"...

Sometimes when we say things to ourselves such as "the two of them have destroyed my sense of worth" we start to feel it's true and believe it.  That's exactly what they want you to feel.  Do NOT give them that.

Instead, I think that " it must suck to feel so bad about yourself that you can be so cruel to others" is closer to the truth, and more empowering.  Just don't say that to them.  Just think it to yourself.

As you already noted, it is better not to respond at all to their episodes, and just stay quiet.

Please take care of yourself.  Epsom bath?  Music?  Physical activity?  Nature?  Time with friends? Take time for yourself to do whatever calms you, and brings you back to baseline.

Remember that your sister forgets this and moves on.  While you can't forget it, you can dismiss it as "her problem", think about how you can respond next time (not stay to listen? or...?) and also move on.  Make a list of things you do well and your accomplishments.  Remind yourself that this is her problem.  

[So Stressed]

Thank you so much, Riv3rw0lf, NarcsEverywhere, Livednlearned, zachira, and Methuen. I really appreciate all your responses.

I spent a lifetime thinking Mom was normal, and in the last 10 years, or so, I have learned that she is not.  I spent so much time as a little girl trying to please her, protect her, and be good.  However, nothing was ever good enough and she could never be pleased.   And, I have always felt that I am somehow bad or not good enough.

It is so odd knowing that I can’t do much to make the relationship better, other than keeping my mouth shut and not getting engaged in any of the arguments into which she tries to bait me, and just escaping the psychotic episodes.  I didn’t really even know that those were psychotic episodes….just damn scary situations.  Then, she would deny they happened and blame me for saying things that I never said….I guess that’s part of her mental illness.

The reading and support website here have been so invaluable.  I kept trying to talk to my friends and my sibling about what was going on and no one related, and I think, in some cases, they didn’t believe me.  My sibling knows on some level that what I say is true….maybe s/he has not experienced all that I have experienced in the last 10 years because they live far away. But, I guess it is safer to be on Mom’s side than on mine.
Right now, my Mom is considering moving to be closer to my sibling….I think because she doesn’t like my boundaries and she knows that I know what she is like. I feel somehow that I have been a bad caregiver because they want her to move, but my friends who know all that I do for her and the abuse I take say that I am a really good and loving daughter. Maybe it would be better for me if she does move.  Some days, I feel that she will take me down with her … she is very old and I am a senior too.

[Methuen]

I spent a lifetime thinking Mom was normal, and in the last 10 years, or so, I have learned that she is not.  I spent so much time as a little girl trying to please her, protect her, and be good.  However, nothing was ever good enough and she could never be pleased.   And, I have always felt that I am somehow bad or not good enough.

I could have written this.  Welcome to the club.  You have found kindred spirits here.

I wouldn't go so far as to say the episodes are psychotic.  I don't know that they are.  Others can speak to that.  But I do believe they are outside the "normal range" for emotional dysregulation.  Trigger warning: I do believe that some of these episodes can be related to domestic abuse for some people living with a pwBPD as a romantic partner, but in my case, my mother never beat me physically, but she definitely beat me up emotionally with her unpredictable raging and emotional attacks.  I don't believe it's psychosis, but definitely out of control emotions.  At other times she could be a decent mom.  It's crazy making.  

I kept trying to talk to my friends and my sibling about what was going on and no one related, and I think, in some cases, they didn’t believe me.

I've only told two people outside of my H and children.  One is a cousin whose father is my mother's brother, and the siblings are cut from the same cloth, so my cousin can completely understand and support and believes me. She lives 800 miles away and I only see her once every year or two, so it's limited support.  The other is a friend whose sister has a cluster A diagnosis, and I trusted her.  However, she still can't appreciate my problems, and I wish I had never said anything.  I have concluded that it is only safe to share with people who are also experiencing a family member with BPD.  No one else is safe to talk to, because 1.  It makes them uncomfortable and they don't really want to hear something that makes them uncomfortable 2.  They see and know her as a charming and frail helpless old lady, and most people tend to trust their own experience first, rather than what someone else is telling them 3. They might inadvertently spill the beans or say the wrong thing to her, and the whole situation just explodes 4. I don't want to talk ill about her, and the truth is just too unbelievable to other people. 5. They might judge me.
For me this forum is the equivalent of AA for some people.  It's non-judgemental support from others experiencing the same thing and who can actually "get it".

Right now, my Mom is considering moving to be closer to my sibling….I think because she doesn’t like my boundaries and she knows that I know what she is like. I feel somehow that I have been a bad caregiver because they want her to move, but my friends who know all that I do for her and the abuse I take say that I am a really good and loving daughter. Maybe it would be better for me if she does move.  Some days, I feel that she will take me down with her … she is very old and I am a senior too.

So 5 years ago when my mom still had ability to move around outside her house with her walker, my H and I took her on a long trip to her nursing reunion.  She of course said that was the nicest thing we had ever done for her.  (Not even close to being true).  After coming back from that, she was often and repeatedly talking about moving to an assisted living home where one of her best friends from nursing lived.  Well.  H and I volunteered to support her by helping her write a letter of inquiry and sending it electronically.  It ended there.  She didn't really want to go.  I think it was just a strategy to hopefully get us to say we didn't want her to go.  As soon as we offered to help her, it ended.

I would let your sister and mom figure it out.  I would completely stay out of it.  If she truly wants to go, let her go.  It would be the best gift ever for you.  You could still visit her if you wanted, or not if you didn't. It would free you, and you have already done a lot (I'm reading between the lines here).

Some days, I feel that she will take me down with her … she is very old and I am a senior too.

She absolutely will if you let her.  What saved me was putting up strong boundaries, educating myself about how to interact with a person with BPD, and this forum.

I am a senior too.  I totally relate SoStressed.  I went back to work to escape caretaking my mother and the abuse that goes with it.  I am an only child.  Our lives are not our own, and it's an enormous monkey on our back.  

Last weekend I walked an hour to go visit my mom (I wanted the exercise - it's only a 6 min drive), then I gave her a tart for a treat.  She had a friend visiting.  They started asking about my job which made me uncomfortable.  Then the friend asked "do you work 8 hours every day"?  It was a probing question and she was fishing.  The one hour walk home afterwards was good for me.  Yesterday I talked to my mom on the phone with H present.  Her medications recently changed and she doesn't like the change, so she stopped taking one. It's for her heart. She lives alone, and was receiving home care support, but she didn't like people "checking on her" because it makes her feel like a child (she is one), so she cancelled it.  That was about 8 months ago.  Since then her health has continued to deteriorate.  She's been on a waiting list to see a geriatrician for almost a year.  She's still considered "competent" so the health care system is perfectly ok to let her make the decision to cancel her home care service.  Less work for them.  My H takes her to her appointments, and when he can't take her, she has to find someone else because "I'm at work".  After any interaction with my mom, I need a few hours (or a day or more) to do something therapeutic for myself because I can't function or think.  If I didn't have boundaries, I would have had a nervous breakdown a long time ago.

My advice is if your mom wants to move, let her go.  In fact, I would stop telling your sister about all the problems, or your sister won't agree to her coming. You've paid your dues.

[So Stressed]

Thanks Methuen.  Yes, you make several good points about why not to discuss the situation with friends.  I guess that I have found it so troublesome and so confusing and I am alone, so I discussed the issue with friends and my sibling. Honestly, I think I gave my sibling too much information that s/he couldn't handle, and that's what happened to our relationship, which always was good before.  I wonder, however, if my sibling may also have bpd, or definitely the effects of a bpd mother, and has had some real rages at both Mom and me in recent years. S/he lives far away, so I don't really know them anymore.

At first, I felt that I was being punished or manipulated when Mom discussed moving, but I am getting to be okay with the idea.  Let them work it out.  I am kind of done with trying to find solutions to make her happier because they always backfire.  Mom fired the private home care people and is not in the public health care system because she won't get assessed. That limits options.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother has expressed a wish to move near me and I have had the uncomfortable situation of telling her I don't want her to do that. I know that this must feel hurtful to her. I don't want to be hurtful to her but there's no reciprocity on her part when it comes to being considerate of me, or my feelings. She relates to me as if I was a servant to her. I realized that the distance is a boundary, because I am too far away for her to call me for any need she might have. When I visit, it's all about me doing things for her. Usually she finds something "wrong" with something I did, or didn't do, and as much as I try to hold it together, by the end of the visit, I am driving home in tears.

Like Methuen has said, it's a struggle between my feelings of what I should be doing for an elderly parent and the reality that my mother doesn't respect boundaries, which means I am constantly having to defend my own and so distance helps with this.

If your mother wants to move near your sister, and your sister is willing for her to do this, then as Methuen says- it may be for the best.

[So Stressed]

Thanks NotWendy!  Exactly what you said about  your Mom applies to my Mom. I am treated like some sort of servant who is expected to be on call at all times, and she has no appreciation for the facts that I still work, I am a senior, I have responsibilities to take care of my own home, etc. but I take care of her too.

The move may well be better for me in the long run because distance would be good since my boundaries are not respected. It has been suggested to me by my therapist and others that maybe no contact would be better for me, but I have never wanted that. I have always thought that we made it this far through life and we could make it to the end.I am really hurting because the way the move is being presented has been very hurtful and mean. I would have thought that we would have some family discussion to decide what is best for Mom, but then that would be kind of normal and my family is too dysfunctional for that.  I guess I need to see this as an ending to the emotional abuse and pain and move on, but I am feeling a real loss of a mother I so badly want and who could never be.

[Notwendy]

I am really hurting because the way the move is being presented has been very hurtful and mean. I would have thought that we would have some family discussion to decide what is best for Mom, but then that would be kind of normal and my family is too dysfunctional for that.  I guess I need to see this as an ending to the emotional abuse and pain and move on, but I am feeling a real loss of a mother I so badly want and who could never be.

I think we feel that kind of emotional sadness no matter what. I feel sad for my mother in her situation and wish it could be different, but she treats me as she chooses, and not only me, but the people who do try to assist her- her health care team and others.

Yes, the decision feels punitive and perhaps she frames it this way as a way to project her own feelings. I know that doesn't make it feel any better for you. I hope in time you can feel these behaviors are less personal about you.

[So Stressed]

Thank you, NotWendy.  I truly want what is best for my Mother, and it probably doesn't seem that way when I post about my frustrations and hurts from our very dysfunctional relationship. I know that Mother is making a decision based on what she wants to do, and she is being pressured by my sibling.  If she will truly be happy with the change she is making, then I am good with it. (She is never happy.) Any time that I try to offer suggestions or advice or try to get information to help with decisions or other alternatives, she gets over the top angry...as if my motives are somehow detrimental to her. The hurtful part is, as you say, how she frames it ... in a way that I have not been a good enough daughter, so she has to go live close to her golden child. I cannot unhear the things she has said that are personal and mean.

[Notwendy]

The hurtful part is, as you say, how she frames it ... in a way that I have not been a good enough daughter, so she has to go live close to her golden child. I cannot unhear the things she has said that are personal and mean.

I experienced something similar when my father was ill and later passed away. It was hard to hear these things. I treat her kindly, and want the best for her. I have no expectations of how she will behave towards me.  I think we all understand the kind of grief one feels when we can't have the relationship with a parent we wish for.

One thing that helped me to deal with these comments is understanding the Karpman triangle. I think pwBPD prefer victim perspective. For that to happen, there needs to be some one or some thing to be the "persecutor" "bad guy. Your mother has to explain her move in these terms with you.

[livednlearned]

10 years to learn your mom is not normal -- that's pretty recent and I imagine you're still working through that knowledge?

Grieving a BPD relationship feels to me more complicated than grieving an actual death.

It's like grieving the death of a relationship that could be every time we interact.

I even feel grief when I see my husband interact lovingly with his sibling. It reminds me that I don't have that, and never will.

When I'm in my sibling's presence, I regress. It takes everything I have to remain grounded and not get sucked into bad dynamics. Actually, I haven't figured out how to remain grounded. It's more about limiting exposure and then pulling myself back together, usually with my husband's help.

Recently, I shared with my son (21) what some of the family dynamics were. People in my family are not trustworthy and now that we live closer I wanted S21 to be aware. Yet, I had this crippling sense of guilt and dread after I told S21.

These are powerful dynamics and they take time to process and figure out how they shaped us, what is them and what is us, what can be changed, and if they can't be changed, how can we park them in a space where they don't prevent us from living healthy, full, rich lives.

It could be that your mom moving away allows you to enter a new chapter where you discover even more about who you really are, separate from her 

[Methuen]

Grieving a BPD relationship feels to me more complicated than grieving an actual death.

It's like grieving the death of a relationship that could be every time we interact.

I even feel grief when I see my husband interact lovingly with his sibling. It reminds me that I don't have that, and never will.

When I'm in my sibling's presence, I regress. It takes everything I have to remain grounded and not get sucked into bad dynamics. Actually, I haven't figured out how to remain grounded. It's more about limiting exposure and then pulling myself back together, usually with my husband's help.

These are powerful dynamics and they take time to process and figure out how they shaped us, what is them and what is us, what can be changed, and if they can't be changed, how can we park them in a space where they don't prevent us from living healthy, full, rich lives.

This spoke to me.  All of it.  It's been my journey the last couple of years, and you just encapsulated it in your words.

There's a whole sordid story about my elderly mom creating drama at a family birthday celebration which was about to unfold last night. She was in her drama crazy making "unreasonable impossible intolerable self-absorbed" mode.  She wanted to go home instead of stay at our house for the party. There was no logic to it except that she told our daughter who went to pick her up that she wasn't sure if she wanted to come.  Playing hard to get?  This is a typical game. In the past she has come and had a good time. So daughter packed her up (she's a physio) and got her into the car.  As soon as she had grandma in the car, grandma started talking about "knowing she wasn't going to make it", and telling her "not to tell anyone else she wasn't going to make it cs she didn't want to be stuck in a home".  Daughter was triggered because she had a best friend commit suicide.  As soon as she got mom to our house, all mom wanted to do was go home. It was about control, and making her own decision, and not about spending time with family on a birthday.  So two family members took her home, while I spent time with daughter.  Once grandma was delivered back to her house, and the two people who went along to help transfer her returned back to our house, the rest of us lived our healthy, full, enjoyable and emotionally rich" evening without her, including daughter.

It has taken a long time to get to a place to be able to do that.

 There is so much wisdom in your post LNL.  For the newbies here, I would recommend cutting and pasting key sentences in suitable places around your home to adopt as a mantra.  These are great goals, which LNL so succinctly put into words.  Getting there is a journey and a process and takes time and effort, but it's possible.  The educational part of this website gives us the tools to make the journey.  

For all those still struggling (including me on the down days), I just want to say it is possible, and give you hope.

[Cat Familiar]

I too had a BPD mother who shared much of the traits discussed above. I so yearned for her love and approval, which seldom came. That she could appear *normal* and *wonderful* to my friends, yet present a very different side immediately afterwards when alone with me, contributed to my self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

I finally got to the place where I realized that nothing I could do would improve our relationship or make her happy, and it wasn’t my job to “make her happy” anyway. She saw herself as a tragic victim of circumstances and yes, she did experience many traumas in her life. That was something I could not repair for her, though I was *trained* to be a mediator and people pleaser from the time I learned how to speak.

I seldom remember my dreams, but one that stands out in my memory, which was life changing: I was swimming in the ocean, when I suddenly was yanked down below the surface into deep water. As I was running out of air, I saw my mother and my ex husband hanging onto my ankles. I struggled to break loose and finally was able to kick free and reach the surface, just in time.

I’ve thought a lot about this dream. The meaning I ascribe is that I had given away my power to people who were not safe and it got so bad that I finally realized I had to break free.

There are lots of toxic people and unfortunately many of us have family members who fall into that category. They will never be able to provide us with the love and support we deserve as a birthright. Best strategy I’ve found out is to get those needs elsewhere, or do that for ourselves, and minimize our interactions with people who can not be supportive of us or kind.

[Notwendy]

A while back I arranged a birthday get together for BPD mother with family members, had the event catered. I wanted to make it nice. The day of the event, she got angry at me and an hour ahead of time told me she might not attend. I told her the guests would be disappointed, they had presents for her and we were looking forward to it. She did decide to show up.

I have visited and we have gotten together with family for meals but I know I can't count on her to attend something planned.

[So Stressed]

I too had a BPD mother who shared much of the traits discussed above. I so yearned for her love and approval, which seldom came. That she could appear *normal* and *wonderful* to my friends, yet present a very different side immediately afterwards when alone with me, contributed to my self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

I finally got to the place where I realized that nothing I could do would improve our relationship or make her happy, and it wasn’t my job to “make her happy” anyway. She saw herself as a tragic victim of circumstances and yes, she did experience many traumas in her life. That was something I could not repair for her, though I was *trained* to be a mediator and people pleaser from the time I learned how to speak.

I could have written this about my Mom.  I have been aware that I have spent most of my life trying to make her happy.  She has a very sad life story, and I was sucked into feeling sorry for her from the beginning of my life when she would tell me about her sad life. 

Now that she is moving out of my life, I got up this morning and realized how much of my life has been devoted to her by trying to get her attention, make her proud, and then taking care of her...and I feel so empty today. I looked around at my home, my accomplishments, etc. and realized that I have done it all to make her proud and she can't be. She interfered in most of my relationships and I am alone. I know I can't blame her as it is my doing.  What a sad hard lesson I am learning.

[zachira]

You are learning a sad lesson, and feeling your sadness will allow you to find true joy and meaning in your life, and to feel better and better. When we allow ourselves to feel all our feelings than we are able to feel joy. Those people who are afraid of their feelings and stuff them never look or feel happy. You are learning that you cannot make your mother happy or proud of you, no matter what you do, a sad painful lesson so many of us with BPD mothers face, as we learn to let the disordered people in our lives take responsibility for their feelings while we value and honor our feelings. Like many of us with a BPD mother, you feel alone,  yet acknowledging your feelings of loneliness is what will enable you to find true friends who value you for who you are, and you will start to feel more connected to people who really do care about you. 

[Cat Familiar]

You are learning a sad lesson, and feeling your sadness will allow you to find true joy and meaning in your life, and to feel better and better. When we allow ourselves to feel all our feelings than we are able to feel joy. Those people who are afraid of their feelings and stuff them never look or feel happy. You are learning that you cannot make your mother happy or proud of you, no matter what you do, a sad painful lesson so many of us with BPD mothers face, as we learn to let the disordered people in our lives take responsibility for their feelings while we value and honor our feelings.

Completely agree. Yes, it is painful examining these repressed feelings, but it’s a temporary situation, and will open us up to experience the joy we’ve otherwise not allowed ourselves to feel as well as noticing new opportunities we’ve ignored.