this is all so confusing.

[pipefitter]

I feel like I just need to vent tonight. thinking about the time between me moving out of my expwbpd house to now confuses me. We broke up and I moved out after a bad fight in February. that night I had been pushed to my limit. she gas lit me threatened to call the police to "have me removed" and after she was a willing participant in the argument herself she got calm and started recording me. I had enough. the next day I was regretful, I texted asking if we could talk about things. she said she thought it was un repairable. the next day, I got paid a promised I would leave her some money in our account, seeing as it was her off pay week. I texted her telling her the rest of the money was hers and asked her if we could give taking it slow while living a part a shot. she agreed. a day or 2 later we were on the phone arguing because she wanted me to immediately move all my things out of her house,. it was a lot of stuff and didn't have the money to rent a truck. that conversation ended with her telling me we are no longer speaking she was done. to which I said okay ill leave you alone. 3 hours later she was texting me asking me a dumb question about the remotes in her house. This cycle repeated a couple of times, where she would say she can't do this and I would say we needed to stop talking, to which she would have a meltdown and I would agree to continue. this was up until about a month in.  during the whole break up she has wished her cancer would return, said if it wasn't for her kids she would commit suicide, and said she can't feel anything for anyone. while I was there removing the last of my things from her house, she got upset because I was upset that she removed a dumb nicknack with some significance to us. she went into her room,  and texted me if I was finished I could leave. I sat outside her door and asked her to please just communicate what was going on. she texted me her door wasn't locked. I went in and tried to talk to her and calm her down like I usually did when we lived together. she just kept sobbing telling me she couldn't do it and wanted me to leave. eventually I did. I didn't talk to her for a couple days, I sent her reaffirming and nice texts for another couple days. until my next pay day came around. I told her there was money left in our joint account for the kids. she texted me with thanks and we agreed to have a "fresh start."this cycle of her melting down and saying she wasn't able to do this and me reaching out texting once or twice a day until she eventually answered went on 3 or 4 times at varying lengths. at most lasting 2 weeks.throughout this whole time she was spending the money I left in our joint account for her. until this last one. she melted down telling me she was closing our joint account, her and her kids were not my responsibility anymore, she couldn't give me what I needed, and she didn't want too and that I should moved on. i texted her every couple of days with reafirming words. a week later I texted her something about the account that wasn't yet closed. and I asked her if we could just really actually start over. I got an answer and she said that "it was me that said we couldn't be friends" which I truly believe we could never be just friends. not after being engaged and the intensity of our relationship. feelings will always be there. 2 days later I texted her again asking if we could finish the conversation. she was mean because she was stressed over something. she finalized the account closure on her lunch. she told me that she didn't want to try again because I "I pressured her too much, now she wasn't willing so I need to move on". she has used the words move on a lot to me during the whole break up. I told her that wasn't fair and it wasn't fair that because she's having mental health issues that she's keeping the kids away from me. the kids believe im their father. to which she raged and told me the kids were terrified of my and that she wants nothing to do with me and she's blocking my number. its been radio silence on her end for a little over 2 weeks. im not reaching out and being nearly as nice, im being open and validating but not kissing her behind, now that I've done some research on how to handle bpd. im struggling majorly with this process. were those cycles all considered recycles? will I ever hear from her again? was it all just manipulation to spend my money but she ended up feeling bad? at this point im no longer reaching out because I don't want to reinforce these cycles, I want her to know she can actually lose me. I also want to respect her saying she wanted me to leave her alone and she doesn't want anything to do with me. it all just makes my head hurt

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