Bad Patch

[ortac77]

It is some time since I have shared on this forum. My pwBPD and I have lived together for over 18 years and during that time I have experienced so many of the difficulties shared by others. I try and follow the advice and wisdom expressed and have on occasions sought my own therapy and counselling to help me get through a bad patch.

The past few years have been less traumatic generally, since I retired from my main job and we moved to a rural location there is a lot for me to enjoy, a part time career doing something I enjoy and joining a local choir. Whilst I don’t really have many close friends my hobbies and interests do supply a supportive network. Overall this keeps me reasonably balanced and even during the pandemic and lockdowns I found ways to keep myself busy by volunteering.

I would say that overall, my pwBPD has also had less episodes of dysregulation – he still spends much of his time in self-imposed social isolation and has no real interests and hobbies nor is he employed. I have kind of accepted that he will never change, despite therapy he never seems able to move on from the trauma of his childhood and upbringing. I have a degree of acceptance around this and whilst sad for him recognise that there is little that I can do about it.

So, I fast forward to the last few weeks and all the turbulence and chaos that used to characterise our relationship has returned. I thought that I was quite resilient to these episodes but his passive aggressive behaviour, outbursts of anger, failure to practise any self-care and long lingering episodes of the silent treatment are all back including the threats of suicide. BPD of course never goes away and whilst I cannot work out what has triggered this latest episode it feels very raw and real to me at the moment. In fact, it has triggered a response in me that I suspect is akin to PTSD, having bought back some very bad memories and fears of past behaviours.

In a way I am kind of annoyed with myself – feeling a failure that I am being affected by something that is not ‘mine’ nor that I have done anything different recently nor aware of any other changes that have prompted this. I practise detachment where necessary and try to maintain consistency in my own boundaries but at the moment everything I do is being challenged and that challenge is not as it were in the present but something from the past.

On the positive side I recognise that whatever help he may decide to get that I need some support at the moment and am seeing my Doctor (who is well aware of his condition) today.

Just needed to share this today.

Ortac

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[Cat Familiar]

   It is terribly sad and frustrating that BPD tends to be a lifelong condition and while peace can be had for moments at a time, it seems some underlying trigger always elicits the problematic behavior at some point.

There’s a lot to grieve here. That you will never have a mutually satisfying relationship that could be available with an emotionally healthy partner is tragic. But it is what it is and you’ve chosen to continue.

It seems you’re doing all the things that are recommended for having your own healthy relationship: outside interests, hobbies, activities, some friends.

I’ve learned to detach emotionally from my partner, which sounds callous and self focused, but I let myself enjoy the times when he’s a positive influence to be around, and avoid him when he’s emotionally draining. It would be nice if I could wave a magic wand and heal him from all his childhood trauma, of which there is granted, a lot!

However I have my own childhood trauma and that is where I seek to heal myself. One thing I’ve learned is that from a young age I was *trained* to be a people pleaser and take responsibility for other’s emotions. I’m leaning not to do that anymore.

[ortac77]

Thanks Cat familiar.

Yes I realise I have made choices in staying in this situation, and perhaps you use of the word 'grieving' is appropriate and probably equates to how I was feeling the other day.

I think I know where you are coming from when you talk about 'emotionally detaching' and I don't think it is callous - rather it is necessary for ones own survival and ultimately well being. I am here for him but at the same time nowadays refuse to succumb to his emotional chaos recognising that it is not something I can resolve.

Like you my own situation as a child taught me to be a 'people pleaser' and that I can all too easily abandon my own needs to those of others. I know this and that I continually have to work on my own boundaries - I am always a 'work in progress'

Orate

[thankful person]

Hi orate,

I understand what you’re feeling here. My own situation is very different (lesbian marriage with 3 very young children my wife birthed through ivf). However I feel I’ve walked the same path, of chaos and disaster, being permanently controlled and regularly put down… I moved onto trying to change things after we had our first baby as I realised I wanted her to have a different life from where things were headed. That was when I found bpd family. It took maybe six months to make so many incredible changes with everyone’s support on here, and my wife eventually responded as though things had never been any different. I couldn’t get over the change in her (it was all my own doing, she did not ever think of herself in any way responsible). Things took a rapid turn a few weeks after our third baby arrived last year. I can’t even begin to entertain what my leaving might look like because my wife needs me at the moment to help with the kids, even though she says she wants me to leave. This latest split has lasted over six months. I don’t know whether my wife will ever come out of it. I feel like she can’t trust me since I started looking after myself better, standing up for myself and not buying into the drama. I get the whole “you won’t get the honeymoon period back“. But it’s not that I want (it feels fake to me now anyway knowing how much she lied to me during that time). I guess what I’m saying is I would like to feel “looked after” and “cared for” sometimes, as most people in a “normal relationship” supposedly do. I felt so much safer with my ex, even though he was controlling and I wasn’t happy and for some reason my wife was the first person I told about that. And then eventually I left him for her… broke his heart. Hated myself for years, especially realising that he was right to feel I was making a terrible decision. I have 3 beautiful children which was something he always denied me, and I’m so happy to have them. But life is so so hard most of the time with the way my wife treats me. It does wear me down and makes me feel so weak.