"You did not tell me..."

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

One thing that is beginning to reoccur is that when I broach a subject, event or anything. I am being told,  "You did not tell me anything about this. You should be communicating after things happen."

Of course deep inside with no outward emotion, I am rolling my eyes because we been down this road before and I had to call it out over and over again that, "I am telling you right now because this is the first opportunity I have had to tell you. Please, calm down." I have stopped telling him this for about three months and letting him feel his emotion by not defending myself. I have learned the conversation gets over sooner this way and we get to move on but am also afraid that this is going to leave an impression that I am a person who does not communicate effectively with him.

Or the other thing that bothers me is sometimes I do tell him when things are happening but he has no recall of me telling him. I am beginning to feel like he sees me as gaslighting him when he says, "You did not tell me about this." I know I mentioned my topic/event before. I don't know if he is forgetful, doesn't really care what I have to say or if he is playing some kind of game.

So, that I may have a planned conversation with him, I was wondering does this sound like he is gaslighting me? Or is there a term for this behavior that I can look into?

[AlwaysMean]

 

One thing that is beginning to reoccur is that when I broach a subject, event or anything. I am being told,  "You did not tell me anything about this. You should be communicating after things happen."

Of course deep inside with no outward emotion, I am rolling my eyes because we been down this road before and I had to call it out over and over again that, "I am telling you right now because this is the first opportunity I have had to tell you. Please, calm down." I have stopped telling him this for about three months and letting him feel his emotion by not defending myself. I have learned the conversation gets over sooner this way and we get to move on but am also afraid that this is going to leave an impression that I am a person who does not communicate effectively with him.

Or the other thing that bothers me is sometimes I do tell him when things are happening but he has no recall of me telling him. I am beginning to feel like he sees me as gaslighting him when he says, "You did not tell me about this." I know I mentioned my topic/event before. I don't know if he is forgetful, doesn't really care what I have to say or if he is playing some kind of game.

So, that I may have a planned conversation with him, I was wondering does this sound like he is gaslighting me? Or is there a term for this behavior that I can look into?

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[thankful person]

Hi always mean,
I completely relate to this. I’m always being accused of similar things. The way I understand it is that my wife is delusional in believing I am a bad terrible selfish person and that I don’t care about her and I want the worst for her. No matter what I do or say her brain will override it and tell her this. I believe she truly believes in these accusations. Sorry if this sounds bleak. It is coming from a place of despair.

[Unhelpful]

My partner has diagnosed untreated Bpd, she thinks that she is perfect and can't forget things that I tell her. When I have enough proofs she just drops the dialogue. If I forget to mention something that I did it leads to conflict. As I understand when she is not at control of everything it makes her really angry

[AlwaysMean]

Thanks for helping me to feel not so alone in this struggle.

I agree that a part of this has to do with being in control of nearly every situation.

Also, I do feel dismissed when I do gather proof that I did state or notify that I have previously informed my partner of an event.

[Cat Familiar]

I have learned the conversation gets over sooner this way and we get to move on but am also afraid that this is going to leave an impression that I am a person who does not communicate effectively with him.

A lesson I’ve learned in political action that applies equally well here: You play the game you’re in, not the game you want to be in.

Whether or not he’s forgetful or gaslighting you, this is the game you’re in.

It sounds jaded, but I’ve learned not to care what my partner thinks about me. With pwBPD, you can be an angel one moment, and the devil the next. Not worth the bother chasing after positive regard. Best sticking with one’s ethics and moral responsibilities and letting the chips fall where they may.

[AlwaysMean]

I need a t-shirt with that on there "Play the game you are in, Not the game you want to play" Thanks.

[thankful person]

I need a t-shirt with that on there "Play the game you are in, Not the game you want to play" Thanks.

I can only imagine the interrogations we’d all get as the bpd partners try to figure out what our “stupid shirt” means…

[waverider]

Been through this and similar with my wife. TBH I always got the impression it was intended to start the discussion off with establishing herself as the "hard done by victim", this brings with it emotional leverage to tip any advantage/compromise her way, ie milking a situation and putting you on the back foot and her more in control of the outcome.

Reality is it makes you more reluctant to volunteer information and ultimately creating the very situation you wish to avoid.

[AlwaysMean]

Reality is it makes you more reluctant to volunteer information and ultimately creating the very situation you wish to avoid.

I couldn't agree more.

[Chief Drizzt]

Yea I get this too - but half the time she is right - I will leave her out of the loop on things because I think she won’t care or they are things that aren’t important. I just try to tell my wife it was unintentional and not done out of any type of spite.  She always comes back with - “that’s not the issue.  The issue is that I you think I’m not important enough to keep me in the loop.”

[Cat Familiar]

I, too, selectively edit what comes out of my mouth. It’s a certainty that I can trigger him should I say something unfiltered regarding issues around which he feels shame and discomfort. And the resulting response will be…let’s say *undesirable* from my perspective. The trick for me is to *translate* my communication into language that he can hear, take in, and not become dysregulated by. I’m getting better with this, but I have to be highly attentive for signs of discomfort, and then back off immediately, reestablishing rapport, then slowly venturing back into the deep water, often needing to do this multiple times as I rebuild the communication bridge.

Really a pain in the neck for me, as I’m a *shoot from the hip* type of person. It’s just so much easier talking to friends where I don’t have to filter myself so much. But it is what it is with my husband, and I prefer the hassle to avoid the dysregulation.

[zondolit]

"You did not tell me anything about this. You should be communicating after things happen."

This sounds so familiar. I note the "you" language (ever unhelpful) and the "should" language, which is paternalistic ("I know best") while attempting to come across as "I'm just trying to help you/show you the light/improve communication." Grrrr. I fell for this for a long time.

[waverider]

Yea I get this too - but half the time she is right - I will leave her out of the loop on things because I think she won’t care or they are things that aren’t important. I just try to tell my wife it was unintentional and not done out of any type of spite.  She always comes back with - “that’s not the issue.  The issue is that I you think I’m not important enough to keep me in the loop.”

This is partly driven by paranoia that that they are being blamed for something, its a defensive reaction creating a hyper alertness. A fear that you may be "up to something". It often leads to you having to over explain something they have very little understanding of, and ultimately no real interest other than to make sure that the finger is not being pointed at them for some obscure reason

[waverider]

This sounds so familiar. I note the "you" language (ever unhelpful) and the "should" language, which is paternalistic ("I know best") while attempting to come across as "I'm just trying to help you/show you the light/improve communication." Grrrr. I fell for this for a long time.

Yes not a request but a patronizing reprimand which is solely based on a sense of entitlement, as no one is entitled to having every action and movement of someone else reported to them, and thus being subject to their approval. Constantly falling for this can undermine your own sense of self and individuality.

It is one of the earliest signs in a BPD relationship, it is subtle but starts the slow insidious slide into compliance where you start quashing your own life. eg. You end up feeling guilty because you stopped off at a cafe for a coffee while out getting the groceries and you either feel guilty for it or you hide it. Feeling like a schoolboy who has snuck behind the sheds for a smoke.

[ENG89]

Just the phrase, "You did not tell me!", sends a chill down my back!
I have heard this for the past 33 years and it has only gotten worse. We can literally be talking about going outside to check something irrelevant. I say ok, I am going outside now. My udBPDW will say, "what are you doing?" I am going outside to check on irrelevant thing. "Well, I do not know what you are doing unless you tell me, do I? You never communicate with me! I have to pull the words out of you! You will never change this!" I am sick of you!

The irrelevant thing: Check for tire marks in the street in front of our house. She does not like to look at tire marks.

The fact that I go out and check for her is my attempt to validate her concerns. It is totally ludicrous to do this, but otherwise I am not being a partner and sharing in taking care of the house, that she has done by herself for 33 years.

There is no further proof needed, than we were literally just talking about it!

Getting an oil change is an entirely different matter:

The routine: Tell the manager to make sure there are no leaks after the oil change, so we do not have drips in the garage. Confirm with the manager that he checked personally that it is not leaking. Drive away from the shop and pull into a parking lot and let it idle for 5 minutes, then back up and check for leaks. Turn it off for 5 minutes and then push the car back and make sure it does not leak. Drive to work, because we can't bring the car home right after the oil change, because it could leak.
Repeat the above check every hour at work, until I leave for home. Get a carwash before returning home, but do not be a minute later than normal!

Oh yeah, I am supposed to text her or call her after each event, to make sure that I am doing it, because I am irresponsible and I lie to her. She can't trust me to do what is right and responsible.

udOCD and udBPD is unbearable!

I am wearing thin and the triggers are a daily mine field that I am unable to navigate any longer. I do not think this is going to last much longer.

Sorry for the rant! The "You did not tell me..." is a huge mine that appears out of the most benign scenarios without warning. The corresponding rage lasts anywhere from an hour to 3 days with sarcasm and putdowns that are getting really old!

I do not even tell her when I am getting an oil change anymore!  

[AlwaysMean]

eg. You end up feeling guilty because you stopped off at a cafe for a coffee while out getting the groceries and you either feel guilty for it or you hide it. Feeling like a schoolboy who has snuck behind the sheds for a smoke.

  This triggered my anxiety. Too real.

[AlwaysMean]

The fact that I go out and check for her is my attempt to validate her concerns. It is totally ludicrous to do this, but otherwise I am not being a partner and sharing in taking care of the house, ...

I do not even tell her when I am getting an oil change anymore!  

I feel this one. It has become part of the routine.

[ENG89]

The routine is no longer working. Giving into some of the triggers has just made it worse and for her to feel more justified.