At a turning point

[Juantelamela]

I feel like I'm stuck.

My girlfriend found out at the end of the year that what she thought was Bipolar Disorder was actually BPD. She felt awful that she was living misdiagnosed for so long and lamenting all the time wasted she could have been seeking proper treatment. I did my own research after the diagnosis and was shocked to see how accurate everything was to our relationship, but even more shocked in learning the types of struggles she was going through in her own mind.

We've been together a total of 4 years now, moved in together within the first. Her immediate and almost obsessive need to spend as much time as possible with me was the first sign I thought something was wrong but I honestly was just enjoying the fact that such a beautiful woman was so into me. We share the same goals of finding a partner, to marry, and have kids with, but she's a little more enthusiastic about getting to that point sooner rather than later.

More warning signs would pop up; like her going through my text messages and social media profile and asking me about every single female friend who I assumed she was threatened by. Majority of them are cousins. She would be upset if a TV show or Movie scene has a focus on an attractive females body, going as far as changing the show entirely during the scene if I'm watching it, yet she has no problem openly gawking at the screen when a buff looking shirtless guy appears. If I'm paying attention to my phone for more than half a minute, god forbid I start typing something, she will ask "Who are you texting?" making the assumption I'm even writing a text. Because of that, I've had to keep my phone permanently on mute because the app notifications and text sounds seem to trigger her.

I've spent the whole relationship making adjustments on myself to keep her from getting triggered so the relationship can stay happy and fight free like it started, but it feels like its never enough. If I want to try and unwind and have time to myself to indulge in a video game, she ends up eventually getting bored and her options end up being to either bug me while I'm trying to do my own thing or she goes to the other room to browse social media until something ends up triggering her and she comes to me with the new tone for the evening.

She knows how I feel about this merry-go-round of emotions she's putting me through. She knows how tired and drained she has been leaving me lately. This morning she woke me up in the middle of the night because she was stuck in her head unable to sleep. She wanted to get intimate but was frustrated when she could tell I was clearly half-asleep and wouldn't be able to perform. She spent the next 45 minutes stomping around, slamming doors as she entered and exited. It seemed pretty clear she didnt want me sleeping. Thinking I had fallen asleep, she stood by the bed and announced to me that she was angry at me. I could only respond with "well now you brought me to your level because im angry at you to". She didnt think I had heard her and immediately began apologizing and trying to cuddle with me while I kept refusing her.

Well we're both at work now. Haven't spoken to her since the incident this morning. We usually would Snap eachother updates of our workdays but she's radio silent, as am I. At this point I'm not sure what to do. My love for her is still there, but I feel hollow. I've got no fight left. We've only recently discovered BPD was her problem, but I've been getting emotionally bullied this whole time. Do I stay and try and help more now that we know its BPD? Part of me feels like I should, but the pain and fatigue the last 4 years have put on me has me looking towards the future. Can she be a good partner to me if I need to be her caretaker? How can I ask someone to Marry me and be the mother of my children if she makes me feel this way?

This has been my first post. I would like to hope it's not the last post either as part of me wants to be able to make this work. Yet the other part knows im on a repetitive cycle. I'm just...stuck. I feel like im being emotionally held hostage.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[outhere]

Hi Juantelamela.  It sounds to me like you're in the right place - very familiar (and vidid!) descriptions of events.  I suggest reading books on the subject, exploring your own feelings and how they play into the relationship, finding a therapist of your own to talk to, and reading and sharing here on the forum.  Welcome aboard!

[Pook075]

Hi Juantelamela!  So sorry you're going through this and you are indeed at a crossroads.  Since you're posting in the 'bettering a relationship' thread, I'll give my own two cents on where you stand.

First, you've done some research and know how your girlfriend processes emotions.  While you're mad she was annoying last night, she's probably bouncing between fight or flight mode as she fears abandonment.  In other words, you're mad while her whole world is spinning.  That gives you two options.

Option 1- Be the bigger person and initiate conversation.  Apologize for being tired and empathize that she couldn't sleep.  Make things right and move on with the relationship.

Option 2- Don't be the bigger person and stand your ground.  You know the tidal wave of emotions that's coming...anger, sadness, depression, etc.  Maybe she apologizes in a few days, maybe she leaves.  Who knows.  But she did try to apologize on the spot and make it better.

The thing is, you know from research how she thinks, what triggers her, etc.  It's A LOT to accept and deal with, I did the same thing in my marriage...always so careful not to have a blowout argument over something minor that made me mad.  I did that dance for 20+ years and I don't regret it (because of our kids), but that's what was right for me personally.  Maybe it's not right for you.

Last night, she was wrong and tried to make it right.  You were mad and reacted poorly...which is completely understandable.  Now the ball is in your court, you rejected her efforts to fix things.  Do you want them fixed?  Should you use this as an opportunity to talk about bigger issues?  Can you control your temper in the future when something similar happens?  Again, I know how I'd answer these questions, but that doesn't matter.  How would you answer them...what's right for you?

Something to think about, I hope that helps.  And welcome to the family- please keep posting!

[thankful person]

Hi Juantelamela,

I completely relate to your post. I recommend starting with the book, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. Along with the expert help on this board, the book really helped me understand my relationship dynamics and change things for the better. Incredibly, if you had posted this a year ago, I would have been singing the praises of my caretaking recovery process and how my wife was actually presenting as so much more sane, like me changing things had such an amazing positive effect. I thought that was the end of the story. Honestly I was on here most days telling everyone, there is HOPE. Sadly that wasn’t the end of my story. The changes I made have mostly remained, but I also walk the fine line not wanting to trigger my wife’s anger because her outbursts upset the children and they aren’t even old enough for me to talk to them about any of it. But my wife’s feelings about me are mostly permanently negative. It’s like she tries to “give me another chance” but then very soon finds a way to sabotage it and always blames me of course. This has been going on for six months so I’m not sure if things will ever change. I hold onto the glimmer of hope remembering my joyful feelings last year. So my advice is, yes, give it a go. I do believe you can make things better. But it will always be a “special needs relationship” and you will need to learn strategies to keep things under control, and if you let these slip for a moment you will be punished for it. And I don’t know how my story ends. Only that I do sometimes fear for the children’s mental health, even though things aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be with my wife’s anger and controlling me and my own self-blaming attitude. I wish you all the best. The people on here helped me so much so if you do continue to post I think it will help. I had to get over feeling I was being deceitful and eventually realised I don’t feel guilty because of the improvements I have made for all of us and also now trying to help others. It helps me feel stronger and less alone being here with others. And that is good for my mental health as well as the children’s and therefore even my wife’s. I will mention, she is diagnosed bpd, but considers she no longer has it, so all the self-improvement work was mine.