Hello IRememberAurora2, welcome to the group
Glad you felt ready to start posting and sharing your story.
Many parts of your experience will sound familiar to members here -- your hope that you could help fix things for him, the periods of time that were more stable, the BPD symptoms increasing due to stressful life events, the paranoia... you are truly in a group that gets it.
It's really difficult being "on the outside" and wishing that the pwBPD could just see how their actions are negatively impacting their life and the lives of their loved ones. I hear you when you wish that he could make changes and "take charge", as you say. Anyone in a marriage would want both partners to be supportive of each other, and not have it be a one-way street forever.
BPD can be hard on marriages because in many ways, the pwBPD "looks normal" or has had "normal times" or can interact "normally" with some people or sometimes. Yet BPD is still a serious mental health issue, impacting a person's worldview, perceptions, beliefs, and expectations at a really fundamental level. Not a lot of people outside the marriage will see or understand the complexity of the issues -- it sounds like your family and friends care about you but are frustrated with the situation, too.
Some members here describe BPD relationships as "special needs relationships". For example, if you or I were married to a person who used a wheelchair, we wouldn't expect our spouse to climb stairs for us, or stand up and take walks with us. We would know that our spouse could do some things, and just had limitations in other areas.
A pwBPD could be thought of as having "emotional special needs". While there can be times that are better, ultimately this person has emotional limitations that differ from "broadly normal" people. pwBPD might struggle to believe that there is enough support to go around (i.e., "I must have all the support, if I give support away, there will be none left for me), that they can focus on others' emotions ("If I focus on her feelings, mine therefore don't matter"), and that there may be negative outcomes to their coping mechanisms ("I'm justified in yelling hateful words, because I'm allowed to express my feelings").
As difficult as all this is, the good news is that sometimes, when the "non" partners take care of themselves, and learn new (often non-intuitive) tools and skills for communication, things can stop getting worse. So, even though your H may not be receptive to suggestions of counseling right now, it can truly benefit your relationship for you to seek out that kind of support and feedback.
Take a look at our article on
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship with a pwBPD and let us know your thoughts, especially on the "Preserve Your Emotional Health" section. You matter too!
Let us know how you're doing, whenever works for you;
kells76
