Hello everyone. I gotta say, I am in a much better place mentally than where I was this time last week. that said, I'm having a hard time not reaching out to my pBPD. As I said in my last post, our last conversation did not go well. it ended in her telling me she wanted nothing to do with me. This followed cycles of being engaged and working on things to having complete meltdowns during our post-break up period. Most of these times I would pull out all the stops to get her to talk to me. After a few days it would work and she would reengage. This time im taking a different route. I understand that I need to take my power back. and the only way to do that is to not engage in begging/pleading/bribing/mind games of my own. (I know some of that stuff is slimy but it worked in the past. not proud of it). She also said that she wanted me to leave her alone during that last conversation. I wanted to respect that boundary and hold her accountable for her words by not begging her back. it seemed during that convo she was becoming paranoid. I sensed an unpredictable reaction if I pushed further. the last message I sent her was a week ago stating that when she's ready I will be here in some way. I guess my issue Is a form of cognitive dissonance mixed with intermittent reinforcement. I miss her. I want to talk to her. begging and checking up on her would have results before if I was persistent before. however I understand in the grand scheme of repairing our relationship I need to let her be the one to reengage when she feels ready or I will just be reinforcing to her that she can treat me as she pleases. looking back, at the beginning of our relationship, before the BPD behavior wore me down I had very strong boundaries. I made it clear what I would and would not put up with. and for the most part, it kept her worst behavior in check. So, here's to playing the waiting game. I know that was quite the ramble. thanks to everyone that made it through to the end
