Does my brother have BPD?

[Stein]

Hello,
My brother (44) lives at home with my mom (75).  He has no money and messes up any endeavor he pursues. He has always told us he was bipolar and has ADHD but his behavior tells me something else is going on.  So much of what I read about BPD he does.  He is full of rage, he screams for hours and hours nonstop in my mom's basement driving her nuts, he sends us both endless texts and emails, they seriously go on for miles, he constantly says we are gaslighting him, he projects his insecurities onto me so much, he literally describes himself and uses it as an attack on me saying that I am the one who is that way. There is so much more but I feel like I touched on some of his most concerning behaviors.  It's incredibly difficult being related to someone like this, I've reached a breaking point and I'm not sure we can fix our relationship.  I'm not looking for any official diagnoses of course but do you think he has BPD?

[Methuen]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's crazymaking.

Hard to know if he has BPD.  Whatever it is, it's not right.

What is his relationship with your 75 yo mom like?  How does she manage his behaviors?

Since you feel you've reached a breaking point, what are you doing to take care of yourself?  It's best to focus on what you can control...which is how you react to him, and your own well-being.

[livednlearned]

I agree with Methuen, it's hard to know what he has, but it isn't normal.

BPD is useful as a framework for understanding certain behaviors so you can figure out ways to cope. If skills and knowledge learned here are useful, that's all that's important.

One thing that catches my attention in your story is the potential for a never-ending drama triangle roller coaster.

My mom used to be bullied by my uBPD brother and still is. I realized late in life (I'm in my 50s now) that she used me to keep things status quo, if that makes sense.

She would come to me in tears about my brother and I would try to intervene and rescue and fix and save. But then when it came time to actually do something, she would back out. It was like she figured I was the stronger of the two of us, so let me fight it out and see what happened. If I lost, then she felt satisfied in the knowledge that nothing could be done, and she was right to not take things on herself.

I've learned not to fight her battles anymore. I ask validating questions and offer one-word affirmations like, "Oh?" "Huh." "Wow." "Really?"

I don't know if your mom is the same?

My mom is the only one who can fix the problems she has with my brother. She was deeply upset to learn my father, in the event he predeceases her, made my brother health care and financial POA. Old me would've heard her distress and tried to lobby on her behalf to get that changed. New me understands that she is capable and ultimately this is a problem for her to solve.

Sometimes I'll ask her validating questions like, "I can understand why you might feel that way. What are you thinking of doing?"

Mostly though I try to stay present in my own body, using breathing techniques, allow for long silences so she can reflect on what she's saying instead of making it my problem to solve and ultimately fail at.

I have love for her and don't want to see her suffer. It's more about radical acceptance that, given our family dynamics around BPD behaviors, we are each responsible for holding boundaries.

[PinkPanther]

If not BPD, perhaps in the cluster somewhere. It's not uncommon for children of BPD parents to aquire something along the spectrum.

My brother is same. Still lives with mom but he is more quiet. I believe he is NPD. I can occasionally enjoy his company without our mom around...as he is a good conversationalist. But he angers easily and it's his way or the highway.

He and our mom have a symbiotic relationship so I doubt he ever leaves. It wasn't till recently that I really understood that my mom is the reason why we are all the way we are...as in we all play a role in her work of fiction. I don't feel sorry for either of them. My mom complains to me about how she is ready for him to find a wife (the same story she has had for years)...and my brother whines about mom and claims he is moving out.

I learned to change the subject and ignore them both.
.