Emotionally Draining Mother

[Ceiv]

I believe my mom has BPD and has had it since I pretty much was young. When I was younger she would have episodes where if I wouldn’t obey or comply to her requests she would threaten to hurt herself physically. She would ask me “do you want me to stab this knife in my chest right now?” Or “do you want me to hit my chest until I bleed?” She would actually proceed to hit her chest and her chest would get super red. Then she would tell me that if she had a heart attack it would because I made her hit herself. Obviously I would say no and she would then say “well are you going to obey and listen now?” I now recognize this as manipulation and plain abuse. When you’re young you don’t know any better and you’re honestly just scared something is going to happen to your mom because it’s somehow your fault.

She’s always made comments about how the world would be better without her and how she feels empty. That she has fulfilled her life in this earth by raising me and now meeting her grandson and she would be okay with been let go. But that she herself wouldn’t do “it”.

I’m a mom to a beautiful baby. I’m also married. While pregnant she would make comments of how my baby would be the only one there for her because no one else is/has been. I’m an only child and my parents are separated. She doesn’t have much of a relationship with people in her family. So family wise I’m all she has. She makes statements that I’ll abandon her but that my baby wouldn’t do that to her. That my baby would take care of her when he’s older by taking her to doctor’s appointments. She’s already putting pressure on a baby that is just born when that’s not his responsibility at all, unless of course he wants to in the future. It’s not even his responsibly to take care of my husband and I! She makes statements that my husband is going to take me and the baby away from her, which takes me to my next point.

Idk if this has to do with BPD but I don’t believe my mom sees me as an adult. Rather she seems me as an extension of herself. My husband and I share bills. We’re both adults. However, to her, our home is only my husband’s home and I just live in it. I think this may be narcissism.

When I tell her how she has made me feel and how she still makes me feel, she tells me that I’m being too dramatic, that those things didn’t happen snd shuts down the conversation. She usually threatens to leave the room or disappear from my life if I wanna have those kind of conversations. She gaslights me. To others it seems like she’s always happy because she puts up a front, but deep down she’s depressed and unhappy with her life.

Recently, I discovered that she thinks differently of my husband. There’s things about him that she doesn’t like/accept which is totally okay. We can’t like everything about everyone and she doesn’t really have to like him. But she has always made him feel like family and engaged with him in a way that makes you think everything is okay. She chooses not to communicate things that she doesn’t find okay but rather has cut him off from her life (without him even knowing). I’m Latina, my parents are Latin as well. She says that he’s a racist against them. How would that be possible if he’s married to me and we have a mixed baby. Make it make sense. It’s awkward when she comes to my house and there’s a tension in the air. My life now feels like it’s her, my baby and me vs my husband my baby and me.

She builds up resentment in her life by making a decision that this is how things are going to be, instead of actively trying to fix the problem. She pushes people away but then tells you that no one loves her and that she’s alone. She’s always made comments about how she prefers to be alone and that in fact she’s going to die alone, but only wants me near her. I remind her that I’m now married, have an extended family and it’s not just me and her now (how it was for the past 28 years). She trusts no one because of past trauma. To her, everyone lies, people don’t have true intentions, and there’s always an ulterior motive.

She talks negatively about herself, her body and isn’t comfortable in most spaces with other people. She feels uncomfortable when she’s around too many people. She lashes out randomly when things don’t go her way and somehow how she’s feeling ends up being your fault. Being with her is emotionally draining.

[Notwendy]

Please protect that child from these expectations. My BPD mother began enlisting my children as her emotional caretakers when they were teens. There was no way I'd allow her to do this. She relates to me as if I am there to serve her wishes. Young children, and babies aren't able to do a lot but teens are. So it may not seem like much of an issue until they are able to take care of her needs.

Our job as parents are to meet our children's needs, not the other way around. Adult children may wish to assist an elderly parent if they choose to- but by then, they also have their obligations, to jobs, to family. Boundaries for both need to be respected for this to work. However, if a parent doesn't respect boundaries this can be problematic.

It's not your child's job to care for your mother. It's your child's task to grow into an adult at their own pace, not be parentified. All this baby needs right now is loving and caring parents- that is you and your husband.

[Ceiv]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s so hard because it ends up affecting my whole family and I’m stuck in the middle of it. There’s always secrecy and lying about things I should keep and not say to others so she can feel that I back her up. It honestly becomes too much. Question: how do you do it? Do you have a relationship with her? What do your boundaries look like? My husband I have even talked about moving somewhere else but it’s something I wouldn’t want to do because I love my parents.

[Notwendy]

Question: how do you do it? Do you have a relationship with her? What do your boundaries look like? My husband I have even talked about moving somewhere else but it’s something I wouldn’t want to do because I love my parents.

I didn't feel the need to set boundaries until my kids were old enough to be "useful" to her. For my mother, that means doing things for her- running errands for her, doing household tasks, and letting her confide in them. The problem is- she wants these things for her own emotional needs. Of course my kids are willing to help their grandparents with household tasks. That isn't the issue. The issue is-they are not her servants, available to meet her emotional needs.

With the confiding comes the triangulation. I didn't trust what she'd say to them about me as she'd try to recruit them to "her side". She also doesn't have good boundaries about what to share. As a teen, I recall her sharing TMI with me. I was not going to let her do this to my kids.

I assumed my father would understand. Why would he let her do that to my kids. Why wouldn't he want to protect them. But to do that would admit she has issues and he'd not ever do that, even if it meant allowing her to do that with her own kids, but these kids are my kids.

My father did not understand, or if he did, he still aligned with my mother. I loved my father too. This was not a decision I wanted to make- my parents' wishes or my kids' emotional well being but the decision is a clear one. It's my job to assure their well being.

Boundaries with teens are different but they involved not allowing her to be alone with them. ( I never did allow her to be alone with my kids), keeping their contact information from her ( their cell phones etc) She had a way of going around that and getting them anyway. They tell me if she contacts them. She thinks she's being clever and doing it anyway. Most importantly, I validated their boundaries and didn't force a relationship with her. They are adults now and have their own boundaries with her.

Our relationship is cordial but not close. She isn't pleased with my boundaries. But my first responsibility is  the kids. I think you have some time to think about this. Your baby isn't able to meet anyone's emotional needs at the moment but as the baby gets older, you may see you need to intervene with these expectations.

[Notwendy]

My mother is similar in the sense that she sees people as on her side or not her side. She realizes I am an adult, but she also sees people's purpose as meeting her needs. She treats me as if I am a servant. She's not affectionate or caring. Mostly I just do things for her. She triangulates-  she's taken my H aside and tried to say things to him about me and I think she'd do this with my children if she could have. At this point, the kids are old enough to understand what BPD is. I wanted them to be respectful to her and to understand mental illness when they were old enough to. By their teens, we could discuss it.

While a priority is protecting your child (children need adults to protect them)- there's also you and your H in this relationship. Your mother's behavior seems to be a stressor and there's triangulation going on - making your H an outsider. This is your family- you, your H and your baby.

With my BPD mother, there's no talking to her to work things out. She does what she wants. It's uncomfortable being the one to have the boundaries- she takes victim perspective. (look up the Karpman triangle dynamics). I don't want to hurt her feelings and I know you don't want to hurt your mother's feelings, which makes it difficult to do this. I think it would help to read and learn about BPD and relationship dynamics before taking action so that you have an understanding of how your mother might respond. I also recommend some counseling for you in this situation- so you have some support and guidance. Even if your mother is the one with the disorder,  having this support is helpful.

[livednlearned]

Idk if this has to do with BPD but I don’t believe my mom sees me as an adult. Rather she seems me as an extension of herself. My husband and I share bills. We’re both adults. However, to her, our home is only my husband’s home and I just live in it. I think this may be narcissism.

That rings true with the people in my life who have BPD. I don't think there is a sense of "self" strong enough to see others as separate. The closer you are, the less likely people with BPD may see you as separate people. Many pwBPD have no defined beginning or end so you don't either. You're the same person. Since she doesn't know what it feels like to have a defined sense of self, she probably doesn't understand what you experience, which is having a sense of being separate from her. It would make no sense to her.

It’s awkward when she comes to my house and there’s a tension in the air. My life now feels like it’s her, my baby and me vs my husband my baby and me.

I have something similar with my adult stepdaughter. There is almost always tension, and when there isn't, I don't trust it will remain that way.

Your mom probably feels some kind of fusion with you/your baby that she cannot make happen with your husband. People with personality disorders have a tendency to "split," which means she sees people as all good or all bad. It's a developmental stage we go through as children. People with PDs don't progress from that stage and learn how to see people as a whole, where good people can do bad things or vice versa. If a person does something they don't like, that person is bad. Period. If a person does something they like, that person is good. Period. Your mom probably sees your husband doing things she has no control over, which makes her feel bad, therefore he must be bad.

Right behind splitting is drama triangulation. If someone is split "black" or bad, your mom will try to enlist you, and because she sees you as an extension of herself (as well as your baby), you must see your husband the same way.

The tricky thing is that if she is seeing pink unicorns and rainbow zebras and you don't, telling her she's wrong leads to conflict. When my stepdaughter tells me someone is a pink unicorn, I try to stick strictly to validating questions. She is dating someone she's loved then hated then loved then hated then loved then hated. They break up, get back together, break up, get back together. In the interim, he is terrible, horrible, awful. Then he is sweet. Then he is horrible.

I listen and nod my head. Sometimes I'll say "Oh?" Or "wow." "Ouch." "Huh." Or, "What happened next?" But that's rare, because I don't ever want to hear more  

Some people on these boards have some success improving the emotional regulation of their BPD loved ones, but that seems to work best from parent to BPD child, or from BPD sibling to sibling.

Being married to someone with BPD (especially with kids involved) or having a BPD parent (where you are the kid) seems to engage a different degree of boundary setting, probably because kids are involved (either as an adult kid, or having grandkids, or raising kids).

It might be more helpful to apply skills that help you manage boundaries so you can have a healthy emotional distance when your mom is thick in the deep of BPD behaviors.

I make sure there are a lot of activities when my stepdaughter visits. I limit my time with her. I protect my inner emotional life. We try to arrange visits that includes my stepson so it's a foursome. When it's me, SD26 and her dad, the tension is exhausting and the manipulation is feels almost toxic, like I'm a second wife or something.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can eliminate the tension, only mitigate it and manage it. Her wound is not visible, but it's a wound nonetheless and it's part of her whether she acknowledges it or not, whether it's discussed or not. All that matters is that you know it's there, and that it impacts your relationship and how you interact.

When you love someone with BPD, it's essential that you recognize you're the emotional leader, by default. You're able to regulate your emotions and see people separate from yourself. That's a huge advantage! It took me a long time to not feel resentment, especially after surviving a BPD sibling and then marrying/divorcing a man with BPD. I am so very very tired of BPD pathology.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is grieve. You have a loved one who is mentally injured and that can feel like a lot of responsibility, especially when the natural roles are reversed and you feel like the parent, and your mom the child.

I'm only now beginning to come out of a long stretch of resentment, and even then, it's always right there within reach, a very easy place to return to. The silver lining is that it has pushed me to be very good at taking care of myself, and in learning about BPD, I have become a much better parent to my son, a better friend, a better wife, a better manager and colleague.

There are upsides to loving someone with BPD, although it does take quite a lot of work to see those benefits and even then, the benefits may not be fully evidence in the BPD relationship as much as in other parts of your life.

[Ceiv]

I have something similar with my adult stepdaughter. There is almost always tension, and when there isn't, I don't trust it will remain that way.

Yes! When there isn't tension, I'm just waiting for a blowup to happen. It's very anxiety-inducing because it's happened too many times. Especially during birthdays or other special ocassions.

[Ceiv]

I have something similar with my adult stepdaughter. There is almost always tension, and when there isn't, I don't trust it will remain that way.

Yes! When there isn't tension, I'm just waiting for a blowup to happen. It's very anxiety-inducing because it's happened too many times. Especially during birthdays or other special ocassions.