Reconciling Spouse Enabling the BPD Parent

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I am presently VLC with my mom after being NC for a year.

My spouse eventually got on board with me on understanding my mom having BPD and trying to get on board with my boundaries.

Before I even knew BPD was a thing, my husband ignored a lot of things my parent did. Naturally as the adult child of a BPD parent, I went through life sort of hiding my mom's dysfunction and being enmeshed witg her, enabling her myself.

Alot of this came to a head a few years ago. Before my mom was diagnosed, I began to lose patience with her behavior and I saw where she was trying to get my eldest child to caretake her and funnel personal info to her. I vaguely discussed this with my DH...culturally you just tolerate your parents in his culture so I didn't bring things up.

When I had our last child is when alot of things unfolded. My mom was not supportive at all when the baby finally arrived. As a matter of fact, I asked her to come to the hospital with me even though I didn't want that...I was a rock in a hard place cause my husband was out of town and I had no one reliable around to take me.

She came and witnessed the birth of the baby. But when my husband finally made it, she got pissed because it was one visitor allowed at a time, and she left...telling people my husband kicked her out.

I went NC for a few months after that so I could recuperate and focus on the children. I slowly allowed mom back in. Of course she got more demanding as time progressed, while I was still dealing with a lot of personal things.

Even with all of this going on,my husband wanted to accommodate my mom. For instance, mom came to stay with us for a weekend. I had fallen sick and so had my children. My mom packs up and leaves. Husband asks her to stay and she says she has meetings to go to back home.

Mom later texts me and says that DH called her and asked her to stay and that she would come back if I need her to. I didn't want to be bothered and told her no. I contacted DH and he said yes, if she would like to come back let her and get her a key! I was flabbergasted and told him she is my mom why would I accommodate her when I am the sick one.

I say all of this to say it's been a theme of my husband ignoring the obvious too. Looking back, I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would I encourage my spouse to keep "negotiating" with their mom esp. If she abandoned them when she most needed them?

I won't lie... This topic has been extremely hurtful. I am having such a hard time getting past it even though my spouse has apologized and now supports my boundaries.

Out of all the milestones, I had no support following the birth of either of my children. And with the last,there were some infertility issues for years before we were successful so that was that.

I usually am able to accept apologies and move past things but I am having a hard time with this. I feel like my DH let me down and just allowed my mom to bulldoze her way through when I needed him to step up and establish boundaries for me.

I suppose this is overall a point of contention in our relationship. He is way more passive than I am. It's gotten better but this just hurts really bad in addition to having to navigate the BPD mom.

I don't know... Just a vent.

[PinkPanther]

So, I am presently VLC with my mom after being NC for a year.

My spouse eventually got on board with me on understanding my mom having BPD and trying to get on board with my boundaries.

Before I even knew BPD was a thing, my husband ignored a lot of things my parent did. Naturally as the adult child of a BPD parent, I went through life sort of hiding my mom's dysfunction and being enmeshed witg her, enabling her myself.

Alot of this came to a head a few years ago. Before my mom was diagnosed, I began to lose patience with her behavior and I saw where she was trying to get my eldest child to caretake her and funnel personal info to her. I vaguely discussed this with my DH...culturally you just tolerate your parents in his culture so I didn't bring things up.

When I had our last child is when alot of things unfolded. My mom was not supportive at all when the baby finally arrived. As a matter of fact, I asked her to come to the hospital with me even though I didn't want that...I was a rock in a hard place cause my husband was out of town and I had no one reliable around to take me.

She came and witnessed the birth of the baby. But when my husband finally made it, she got pissed because it was one visitor allowed at a time, and she left...telling people my husband kicked her out.

I went NC for a few months after that so I could recuperate and focus on the children. I slowly allowed mom back in. Of course she got more demanding as time progressed, while I was still dealing with a lot of personal things.

Even with all of this going on,my husband wanted to accommodate my mom. For instance, mom came to stay with us for a weekend. I had fallen sick and so had my children. My mom packs up and leaves. Husband asks her to stay and she says she has meetings to go to back home.

Mom later texts me and says that DH called her and asked her to stay and that she would come back if I need her to. I didn't want to be bothered and told her no. I contacted DH and he said yes, if she would like to come back let her and get her a key! I was flabbergasted and told him she is my mom why would I accommodate her when I am the sick one.

I say all of this to say it's been a theme of my husband ignoring the obvious too. Looking back, I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would I encourage my spouse to keep "negotiating" with their mom esp. If she abandoned them when she most needed them?

I won't lie... This topic has been extremely hurtful. I am having such a hard time getting past it even though my spouse has apologized and now supports my boundaries.

Out of all the milestones, I had no support following the birth of either of my children. And with the last,there were some infertility issues for years before we were successful so that was that.

I usually am able to accept apologies and move past things but I am having a hard time with this. I feel like my DH let me down and just allowed my mom to bulldoze her way through when I needed him to step up and establish boundaries for me.

I suppose this is overall a point of contention in our relationship. He is way more passive than I am. It's gotten better but this just hurts really bad in addition to having to navigate the BPD mom.

I don't know... Just a vent.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are dealing with this.  I don't know why your H is doing this but this is not being supportive to you. Even if he disagrees with how you are relating to your mother, he needs to discuss this with you.

Sometimes my H has not understood the situation. His mother is loving and caring and I understand that it's probably not possible to relate to my own experience. It has felt shaming and invalidating when he has. However, he also agrees with my boundaries with her.

This seems to me to be a marital issue. I am not suggesting that your marriage isn't a good one- but that this is a situation that the two of you disagree on and it needs to be resolved in a way that you both are on the same page,  and you can feel he supports you. It may be that a therapist could help the two of you decide on this. This could be due to cultural differences, but whatever it is, getting to some agreement where the two of you are aligned would help.

[livednlearned]

I feel like my DH let me down and just allowed my mom to bulldoze her way through when I needed him to step up and establish boundaries for me.

That would make me nuts. I can see why you would be hurt and feel betrayed by his actions. You've found the strength to set a boundary with your mom, and he creates a loophole for her to slip through.

He is way more passive than I am.

I wonder if that might change if he experienced the consequences of his actions more directly. Counseling helped H and me a little, but what really helped is when, after letting him know my wishes verbally, I held boundaries non-verbally. Nothing I said verbally changed H's behavior until I could figure out boundaries that he felt directly.

Does your H understand where you're coming from, but then he folds? Or does he fundamentally believe your mom should be able to come and stay.

Also, does she have her own key now?

[PinkPanther]

Notwendy- thank you for your insight. It is a martial issue in general that stems from the behavior of allowing outsiders to have their way without us being a team, if that makes sense. My husband's family of origin are very welcoming to everyone even if that person is on their worst behavior. Also, my mother in law and husband had a loving relationship before she died so I think he is unable to grasp that a mother could possibly not mean heir child well.

Things have improved... I had to really sit down with him and ask him to research BPD to understand how it works. He has gotten better with being more supportive from that frame, but I just haven't caught up with him making the change. In other words, I am still functioning from having to always protect myself not only from my own family but from his too. Everyone is always on their worst behavior around me and they don't do certain things when he is present. So for awhile , DH thought I was making things up even though he never said it.

I forgive him but am finding it hard to get out of that space of protecting myself, I suppose. It's confusing esp. while navigating things with my BPD mom.

I asked him before why he allowed so many things from my mom. He said he just wants me to have my family.

[PinkPanther]

livednlearned - things are slowly improving. You mention establishing non verbal boundaries with DH...I had an "aha" moment about that this morning before I read your reply. And I think this is what I need to work on with him. Talking gets me very little places and I guess that's just the difference between Mars and Venus.

Things have improved in that he is trying to actively understand BPD. But yes, he both believed my mom should stay whenever (he feels this with his own parents) he didnt have boundaries with family at all, so it wasn't even on his radar. I don't think it was a matter of being malicious or even controlling. He just couldn't understand that healthy people have boundaries even if your family is "good". He has improved with that though once I pointed out how some situations he deals with were his own making.

As for the key... I said NO. Lol. My mom would never leave and would walk all over everyone. He thought he was being helpful again but as I told him then, she didn't earned that privilege. She isn't respectful. I framed it from that perspective of respect and asked him if he is ready to be disrespected all of the time cause I wasn't going to deal with it.

[PinkPanther]

Double post

[Riv3rW0lf]

Would you be willing to consider handling all communications with your BPD mother and restraining her access to your husband?

She found a weak link she could manipulate.

I had some issue with my in-laws, and I realized they weren't mine to handle to begin with. I slowly incorporated boundaries, and now they only go through my husband to set up times to see my children or visits. They do see them, about once a week. They are nowhere near as toxic as my BPD mother can be, but they can be quite entitled in crossing boundaries. So now H is dealing with all of it, and we always discuss before answering. But he answers. And when they try to go through me by texting me, I simply ask if they contacted H about it? They got the message quick, and I now have a good relationship with them, surprisingly much better than before. MIL is much nicer now, and everything just runs smoother. They have a good relationship with our children, and it's been better for everyone involved. H knows them and can afford to talk to them in a way that I never will, much much easier.

On my end, I deal with my father and my side of the family, and will discuss with him what "our team" needs before I make decision or organize visits.

Having too many channels of communication lead to confusion, especially when a BPD is involved. When I was in contact with BPD mother, she also tried developing an open channel with H, he'd redirect her to me. Every. Single. Time. So she failed to develop that link, which gave us more power to assert boundaries as a team.

So... Maybe just a possible solution here : he deals with his family, you deal with yours, and you guys decide everything behind closed doors.

[livednlearned]

I deal with my father and my side of the family, and will discuss with him what "our team" needs before I make decision or organize visits.

This is one of the things I had to work on with H, too. It was probably one of the hardest habits for him to break. I'm not fond of being rigid because it feels so unnatural, but maybe it's more about being consistent. Having natural consequences for any plans made without consulting me, and being consistent about what I would do when/if that happened, is the only way I was able to get H to hear me and have him make changes.

If H made plans with his uBPD daughter without consulting me, I simply made plans to do something else.

If H and I made plans to do something together and he added SD26 without discussing with me, I canceled plans with H and did something else.

I didn't get upset, I just looked at it like "if x, then y." I also didn't explain myself. "Idk, I feel like keeping my own company" is about as far as I would go.

My H could get a bit emotionally reactive over some of this stuff. If I said to him, "Please do not make plans for SD26 to meet her BF halfway at our home without telling her you'll discuss it with me first."

He would say things like, "She's my daughter and I'm not going to say no to her."

It took a while to get the point across that this wasn't about vetoing a decision, it was about respect. It was about being a team.

One time, SD26 and her BF were visiting. H said to me, "Let's you and I go for a hike tomorrow morning. We can grab coffee and hit the trails before it's hot and the kids get up."

Without consulting with me, the morning of our hike H said, "SD26 and BF are joining us."

Cue boundary. I said I was no longer interested in hiking and I would see them when they got back. SD26 and her BF are socially awkward, so that created some strain for H.

Those are the kinds of non-verbal boundaries that work in my situation. I don't think H even notices they're happening. I can see he's emotionally caught between a rock and a hard place but I think for him it's more like an escape hatch just shut.

In retrospect, I wish I had learned this earlier because entrenched habits made it harder to change things.

This boundary stuff is like a muscle, though. When SD26 comes to visit, I find it much easier to state boundaries. "Everyone out of my bedroom, shoo" is much easier to say now that I've practiced and built up some strength. Our big success is that SD26 is visiting this summer and staying in a timeshare near us. We tried a similar thing when we visited her last fall and it worked out so well H sees it's the key to visiting family, period. We do the same when we visit my parents. Separate housing is the key to an intact family 

[PinkPanther]

Riv3rW0lf- yes this is how we function now but it took time to get there. Eventually, dBPDmom stopped calling DH when she couldn't get her way. So then she moved on to my FIL... now we are working on that. Cause my FIL was flying monkey supreme and using his Christianity blah blah blah I had to tell him I would cut him off too.  It's like its neverending. I had to tell mom clearly that if she keeps trying to guilt me through my FIL, I will end contact again indefinitely. I don't feel guilty about anything, I have been a great daughter so that's not even something I think about. I just got tired of her relentlessness. She finally backed off for awhile but geez, it was so annoying.

Now I am just trying to get to a place mentally where I feel my husband has my back so I won't feel like I always have to protect myself and our family alone. My brain and emotions just haven't caught up with the changes he has made, cause he has tried I give him that.

[PinkPanther]

livednlearned- this is what I do now, too. DH basically just does what he wants and I have had to work on establishing boundaries with him as well.

For instance, DH told me FIL was coming to stay with us a few weeks. I didn't want that, I am at home all day with baby and my FIL is elderly and not helpful. I love him but don't really want him around like that at the moment. Instead of making a big deal I told DH I will just go stay in FIL house with the baby while he comes down, fair exchange ! Cause I don't have the energy to cook, clean, run errands for an extra person who is an adult but functions like a child . It clicked with him so I will be using that more often !

I feel like people who don't like boundaries just want to do whatever they want, like children. Instead of reasoning with people like an adult, if they can't receive it I decided I would just do what I want to do, too. Typically I would go out of my way to help figure things out and inconvenience myself. Id be the only one frazzled and angry and everyone else is ok. Not anymore! 

[Riv3rW0lf]

It seems like you already got this ! I understand the emotions not being where the changes are. For me, I also realized over time that I have a tendance to misplace my anger, which I worked and am still actively working on.

When I am triggered, this would happen a lot more if I was in contact with my BPD mother, but it still happens, I actually tend to direct this anger toward my H. Because he is safer. Because he can take it. Nothing changed in our relationship but I. Somehow when this happens, nothing he does is ok. But the problem is not him, it's my anger, which I am not directing at the right place : toward my childhood. I am looking in the "now" to justify how I feel inside but how I feel inside has nothing to do with the now.

I don't know if it makes sense, nor if this even applies here, mind you ! Just what came to my mind.

Since I've realized that, I was able to see all that H actually does for us. Is he perfect? Hell no, but I'm not either. We are perfect for each other though. And in the end, he got my back, and whenever he doesn't, it usually doesn't take much to reel him back in to our team ; just honesty and being willing to show my vulnerability.

I am glad your H has the same mindset and is willing to work with you on this. Working on a marriage is so very humbling. You got this.  

[livednlearned]

Instead of making a big deal I told DH I will just go stay in FIL house with the baby while he comes down, fair exchange ! Cause I don't have the energy to cook, clean, run errands for an extra person who is an adult but functions like a child . It clicked with him so I will be using that more often !

 

You have a good attitude! I had to work through a lot of frustration before I could get where you are. I did a lot of teeth gnashing and developed an eye twitch  

My family of origin is/was covertly narcissistic and growing up there was a big emphasis on being gracious (especially me, as a girl) which gets toxic when mixed with codependency. H's family likes my company because I put people at ease and things more or less run socially without friction. It made setting boundaries feel both personally difficult and socially rude. I have a hard time setting boundaries if it creates social awkwardness.

Saying no, I won't participate in an H/SD26 plan on principle alone is way too hard for me. I have to assert a boundary by emphasizing something socially acceptable like "I think SD26 prefers having time with you, otherwise she would have made plans to include me."

Or "I was game for a quiet hike with you, I'll pass on joining on a more social hike."

Is that being a weenie? The end result is asserting a boundary but sometimes I feel like I'm not quite sticking the landing.

[Notwendy]

Notwendy- thank you for your insight. It is a martial issue in general that stems from the behavior of allowing outsiders to have their way without us being a team, if that makes sense. My husband's family of origin are very welcoming to everyone even if that person is on their worst behavior. Also, my mother in law and husband had a loving relationship before she died so I think he is unable to grasp that a mother could possibly not mean heir child well.

Things have improved... I had to really sit down with him and ask him to research BPD to understand how it works. He has gotten better with being more supportive from that frame, but I just haven't caught up with him making the change. In other words, I am still functioning from having to always protect myself not only from my own family but from his too. Everyone is always on their worst behavior around me and they don't do certain things when he is present. So for awhile , DH thought I was making things up even though he never said it.

I forgive him but am finding it hard to get out of that space of protecting myself, I suppose. It's confusing esp. while navigating things with my BPD mom.

I asked him before why he allowed so many things from my mom. He said he just wants me to have my family.

I can understand that. It's hard for people who grew up with a loving mother to grasp that it could be different for us. I understand he wants you to have what he has but your mother isn't like his mother.

I am glad you and he have been able to talk more about this.

[PinkPanther]

I havent been here in awhile and while in bed recovering from COVID, I have been reflecting on how far I have come with this.

Husband is much more understanding of boundaries now and has been practicing on boundaries for himself! Which has been great for our relationship.

I was headed to separation a year ago after being so burned out and tired of going through things alone that I had made a tough decision to give my husband an ultimatum. I had the most honest and painful conversations with him.

My father in law was still wrapped in my mother's web as she decided to join his church community since I went no contact with her after she was disrespectful during a family event. He struggles with the concept but it's not my problem as my husband has enforced his own boundaries with him.

At this point things are really looking up. I'm in a much better place, therapy and working really hard on my personal awareness has helped me greatly. And bring no contact , while painful, has been really helpful in my gaining insight.

I go back and forth on breaking no contact and then am reminded of why it isn't a good idea yet; my blood pressure shoots up at the thought of it. And I am overcoming some pretty difficult health challenges atm that I am happy are turning around because I can focus on myself.

Thank you all for your support during this time. It's never ending but sharing here was extremely helpful in navigating this stuff.

[Notwendy]

I am glad things are going better for you! I am glad your husband is now more supportive. It is difficult for people who don't have a similar experience to comprehend this situation. I am glad you were able to speak to him and that he understood you.

It may be that your FIL will need to have his own experiences with your mother, whatever they may be. I  had a similar situation with my BPD mother's extended family. It led to almost no contact with them for several years- initiated by BPD mother and I decided there wasn't any way for me to change their perspective. Eventually through their own interactions with her, they began to see a different picture, but it took them having their own experiences with her to see it.