Mother's Day Support Thread

[PinkPanther]

It's that time of year again.
Will anyone be celebrating for/with their Mother? How does this time of year make you feel?

I am not doing anything. I will send a text. I don't feel like finding gifts and sending cards and I am not interested in being very pleasant for my parent right now, just being honest. I would on a good day invite her out to brunch and shower her with attention for awhile. But she messed that up after last years Mother's Day when I was struggling with debilitating PPD and she scapegoated me for not celebrating her (even though I couldn't). Still haven't bounced back from that and don't think I will. I am ok with that.

How about you?

[Notwendy]

I dislike the Mother's Day cards. It feels as if I am reading some other person's experiences and I don't feel I can send one. However, I do wish to do something nice for my mother on Mother's Day. It feels more comfortable to send flowers, even if they are more expensive than a card. I can then add a short message to that.

[PinkPanther]

I dislike the Mother's Day cards. It feels as if I am reading some other person's experiences and I don't feel I can send one. However, I do wish to do something nice for my mother on Mother's Day. It feels more comfortable to send flowers, even if they are more expensive than a card. I can then add a short message to that.

Flowers are nice. Sending your own words is more genuine. That's a great idea. I don't even feel my mom is very motherly, so I def. can't send a Hallmark Card.

I typically send my mom flowers on occasion. Cards... not so much. Can't feign that she is a great mom when I don't feel that way. This year i am still a bit shell-shocked from how I was treated last year and don't even want to send flowers.  I haven't gotten into a good headspace with my mom yet. I don't want to give her the impression things are "ok" between she and I.

I hope everyone is able to get through the holiday how they see fit without feeling FOGgy.  

[Pook075]

This is the 4th year since my mom passed and the 1st Mother's Day without my BPD wife.  It's bittersweet on both accounts and my mom's been on my mind a lot lately since she passed mid-April.  I'll go visit where I scattered her ashes on Mother's Day but that's all I have planned.

For my wife, I'll tell the kids not to forget Mother's Day and to take my wife to lunch (or whatever they want to do).

[PinkPanther]

This is the 4th year since my mom passed and the 1st Mother's Day without my BPD wife.  It's bittersweet on both accounts and my mom's been on my mind a lot lately since she passed mid-April.  I'll go visit where I scattered her ashes on Mother's Day but that's all I have planned.

For my wife, I'll tell the kids not to forget Mother's Day and to take my wife to lunch (or whatever they want to do).

Both of those sound like a nice way to observe the holiday. I hope to get back to the point where I am able to share it with my mom, but I am not pressuring myself about it.

[Notwendy]

Pook, so sorry for the loss of your mother. If she was a loving mother, that is a blessing.

Pink Panther - the reason I send flowers is just for my own decision. Regardless of what my mother did or didn't do, it's a way to honor the relationship. I just try to be consistent with it. I am at too far a distance to come for lunch,  so it's about the best way for me to do this.

[Methuen]

Well - I live in the same small community as my uBPDmom.  She is 87 and clinically "frail" (got there via her own life decisions).  She is some piece of work.  Just survived a 1 1/2 hr visit that left both H and I drained, and shaking our heads. Nutso.

I will mix up crepe batter and take it over to her house mid-morning and make crepes.  When that is done, I will have the rest of the day for myself - to recover.

This is scaled back from past years when I would make a fancy dinner...

I call this progress because I've stopped trying to be the perfect daughter.

[Turkish]

PinkPanther,

Do what you need to do to feel comfortable and safe. No judgements here.

For my wife, I'll tell the kids not to forget Mother's Day and to take my wife to lunch (or whatever they want to do).

That's what I'll do and have done. MD this year is on my custody weekend.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Maybe that's why I've been coming back here more and more often over the past few weeks.

I'm no contact with my BPD mother. I have been feeling increasingly better about myself and also in life. I feel safer, more secure, I actually like who I am now, and what I became. I've been a better mother, a better wife and a better friend to those who matter. Especially, I've been a better daughter for my father, and I inherited a wonderful step-mother. All this to say : I simply don't miss my BPD mother... At all.

I sometimes will receive a card by mail, then I read it, and I am reminded of why I cut contact. My brother officially cut me off too, saying I was the one with the issues and problems, even though I barely even spoke with him, and only asked him to stop trying to talk me in to get back into the family fold...he would only write from our mother's house to ask why I didn't call her, how her boyfriend had aged and is getting frail and sick, playing on my guilt. He finally requested pictures of my children which he never did before, so I knew it was for our mother and when I invited him here for diner instead of sending photos, he started the blame shifting and emotional manipulations. I kept my ground, remained true to myself, and it escalated to him cutting ties. I was always prepared for it: my brothers are under a lot of pressure from BPD mother to hate me. I would know, I've suffered this pressure to hate my dad all my life.

And so... I will not be sending her anything, no card, no flower. I still don't consider her a mother... She is just the one who tried to rob me of myself to make me her filler. I'm not even angry anymore, but I need to protect my children and my relationship with them. My BPD mother is nasty and will stop at nothing to wedge people against each other. I simply do not need that in my life anymore.

I don't want to be the bigger person anymore. Instead of working on forgiving her again and again on account of her trauma and illness, I put my energy on good people around me that don't spend all their time painting me as the ennemy, guiltripping and manipulating me onto being something I am not.

I am tired of my "family". A family I truly never had. I was always alone, left to myself, when I wasn't being actively abused and screamed at. Men came and left, some of them more aggressive than other, beating my brother, broking his rib, abusing me. Been sexually assaulted by one of them, by one of my brothers too. She had the freacking school bus leave me on the side of a Boulevard, and I had to wait for her in her favorite tavern, I was the little mascot of the place. I was only as good as what I could give them. And this never changed. I am officially free now, and I am not giving this feeling up.

I sometimes need to remind myself where I came from. I don't want to forget what she put me through. It's not even resentment at this point, but it helps me to stop seeing her as a poor victim. I was her victim, I was her child, it was never the other way around. Now she can paint me as a monster all she likes : she did this to herself when she decided to treat me like a thing instead of a person. All our hugs, I initiated; I wanted a mother, I wanted her to love me, I wanted to forgive and be forgiven. But I had nothing to be sorry for, this is only what she made me believe. I didn't deserve any of this. And now that I am adult, now that I have power and responsibilities, now that I have children of my own to love and protect, I see just how abusive and disturbing my childhood was. So she can go  herself with her continued attempt to be seen as a victim and me being the ennemy. I don't want to be the bigger person with her anymore, and play her little games. I am keeping myself sane by staying away.

They will all die at some point, and I will stay away from their funerals and their end of life. I made peace with that. I will be there for my father and his wife until they draw their last breath. I will help them, and support them, and be there, always, like he was there. He offered me a safe place to be myself, and while it didn't keep me from developing C-PTSD, it did compensate for it by showing me all the power I had to create and build safe and beautiful things for myself and the people I loved.

My BPD mother always asked me to choose between my father and her : well I finally chose. She got what she asked for.

So mother's day? ... What mother?

[Notwendy]

Riv3rW0lf- good for you that you chose the best path for you. You are correct- children are potential victims- they need adults to protect them, not abuse them.

I think we all have made different choices depending on our situation. One of the reasons I chose LC was due to my BPD mother's age and her being a widow. She's dismissed my relationship to her as a daughter at times- I don't know how much that means to her.

Had she been younger, I think she would probably have remarried and discarded me. I don't think I am being virtuous by staying in contact with her. I don't think she likes that I have boundaries with her and also not happy that I haven't done more for her. I stay in contact because it didn't seem OK to me to be NC. I have no expectations of her.

The kind of mother described in the Mother's Day cards seems like a fictional novel to me. Like reading a story about someone else.

[PinkPanther]

Notwendy- I understand, completely. Everyone does what works best for them. I hope I get back in that space where I can gift my mother and it not come from a place of obligation.

Turkish- thank you for validating how I feel.

Methuen - that sounds workable and is very thoughtful of you. I hope your mom finds it in her heart to be grateful and that you are able to enjoy the day for yourself afterwards.

Riv3rW0lf- thank you for sharing. I was where you were last year, having experienced same. I have recently resumed contact by VLC. I struggled with making that decision because I wanted to be NC for the rest of my life...but, I do want my children to know their grandmother, even if that won't be "normal"...we have very little family...so I am finding ways to navigate that. I understand how you feel, 1000%.  It is a relief to not have to deal with certain things anymore. Like you I feel like I have become a better person in so many ways and I just don't want to go back! Life has been very good even though I am having a really rough patch in life. It's amazing how much of a tornado a BPD person can be.

Nonetheless, I hope you are able to enjoy your Mother's Day and best of luck on moving forward.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I think the very big difference here for me is my parents separated when I was 2yo, and for pretty much all my life, my BPD mother has given me grief everytime I dared appreciate and show that I loved my father. I was also left completely unprotected from her when I was at her house, and she was a heavy drinker, so it's been a hell of a ride between 2 and 9yo, and I just recently accepted the whole extent of it. Not all BPD will go as far as physically assaulting young kids, but she did. I'm sorry your mother also went that far, PinkPanther.

I understand you wanting your children to know their grandmother, and I hope you find a healthy balance for you and your family. It helps and has been a huge support for me in my NC that my children do have a loving grandmother : my father's wife, who has pretty much acted as a mother for me as well in recent years. I pretty much adopted her as such anyway, and it's filling me with joy to see them call her their grandmother, because for all that matters, she truly is.

Having my mother in my life always lead to distance with my father, as I would unconsciously start to distanciate myself and blame him to protect myself from my mother's rages.

I truly had to choose, and so I did. I will never give up my relationship with my father and his wife ever again.

Notwendy, I've been here long enough now that I am sure you know I weren't implying those of us who choose to be LC instead of NC are being "virtuous". I was talking for myself only. All our circumstances are widely different and I am giving here a voice to those of us who are not willing to be in contact anymore, for various reasons.

It doesn't make mother's day easier, it's just different, but definitely hard for all of us here who never had a loving mother to rely on.

 

[NarcsEverywhere]

My mom passed like 7 years ago, the first few mothers days were hard, now I celebrate it by honoring my mom’s memory a bit, if I feel up to it, but also I sometimes skip it.

I get you though, been hard to feel like celebrating holidays about my Dad when he’s mistreated me. One thing I won’t be doing again is giving what feels like a lie. If the best I can do is make him a meal, try to watch tv,  and say thanks for trying to get along with me and work with me, then that’s okay. Rather give genuine effort or none, than be guilted into it.

[Notwendy]

I truly had to choose, and so I did. I will never give up my relationship with my father and his wife ever again.

Notwendy, I've been here long enough now that I am sure you know I weren't implying those of us who choose to be LC instead of NC are being "virtuous". I was talking for myself only. All our circumstances are widely different and I am giving here a voice to those of us who are not willing to be in contact anymore, for various reasons.

Thanks, I think there's a bit of credit given for toughing it out, which I do not agree with as toughing it out when there's abuse should not be an expectation. However, it does seem to be to some extent. "She's your mother" is something people have said to me.

Sometimes I think choosing LC is in some ways feels less honest, because, it involves me keeping boundaries and distance from her. This frustrates my mother. She wants me to be more vulnerable with her- but that is a one way situation. She doesn't put her cards on the table. If someone is vulnerable with her, she sees that as her having the upper hand. She lies and manipulates those who she thinks she can do that with.

My contact with her is about checking on her, speaking to her nurse coordinator- because that way, I have an accurate idea of how she is doing. She tells me how she is doing, and I listen. As to what I share with her, it's superficial. I might tell her generalities about what is going on at work "we had a meeting today" or something about the grandkids. "they had a nice birthday". I don't share feelings. Still, even though I try to maintain my composure, sometimes she will say something to me and I will cry.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to go NC when she dismissed me after my father passed, but by keeping contact, I left the possibility of a relationship but  not really with any expectation of it, even though I know there's no reason to have any expectations of her.

[Pook075]

So mother's day? ... What mother?

Hi.  We've never talked here before but I just wanted to say that my heart breaks for you.  I'm sorry you carry so much pan from a bad childhood and from a mom who just couldn't get things right.

I did want to say one thing though, that forgiveness is a selfish act.  Maybe you never talk to your mom again, but forgiving her in your heart allows you to release all of that pain and move forward in a new chapter of life...one without pain, regret, or anger towards those who have wronged us.  I realize that she may not deserve your forgiveness but again, it's not for her.  It's 100% for you and your own heart.

[Pook075]

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to go NC when she dismissed me after my father passed, but by keeping contact, I left the possibility of a relationship but  not really with any expectation of it, even though I know there's no reason to have any expectations of her.

By keeping that door open, you've been a good daughter and created the opportunity for a deeper relationship someday.  Maybe that never happens, but you're a good person for doing your best and standing beside her.  Take heart in that your actions do matter and they inspire those around you- your kids, etc.

[Riv3rW0lf]

By keeping that door open, you've been a good daughter and created the opportunity for a deeper relationship someday.  Maybe that never happens, but you're a good person for doing your best and standing beside her.  Take heart in that your actions do matter and they inspire those around you- your kids, etc.

See, I know you meant well in your answers to me and Notwendy, but this is exactly the kind of comments filled with biases that can deeply hurt those of us who "couldn't be good daughters". Can you see how, read back to back, those actually infer that I am filled with anger and resentment because I chose no contact, so basically unhappy and unable to forgive, while Notwendy gets the credit for being a good daughter because she is low contact, which is by the way exactly what she warned about? How she herself doesn't agree with this bias?

I have forgiven the past, actually, and have moved forward. I have however not forgotten it, which is an important distinction to make. We are complex beings, and having forgiven something doesn't mean we suddenly stop feeling angry at times about it. and so, I can still tap in into my grief and anger once in a while  to protect myself in more challenging periods, like when my step-brother (with whom I only share my BPD mother) decided to cut me off a few days ago and reached out to my father to try and create more drama in my life. Anger can be a tool, a protective tool. But I didn't base my decision to cut contact on anger, it was self-preservation and love, actually. But you just assumed I was filled with pain and resentment and haven't forgiven anything, interesting ain't it?

I know my mother's actions are born from deep pain and hurt, but it's also terribly abusive and aggressive, and I don't care of being a good daughter to a terrible mother anymore.

And as for being a good exemple to my children, note I have good loving relationships with my in-laws and father, have a healthy mariage, and am a successful entrepreneur with a master in science, I've been deeply present emotionally for both my children and despite my successful career, have good enough values than I've taken 4 years off to be full time with them when they were born (and I am incredibly grateful I had the privilege to be able to do that, some would but can't). I've built a beautiful life for myself, and truly now can enjoy deep moments of real gratefulness toward God or whomever supported me and lead me here.

Cutting contact with an abusive parent doesn't equate not being a loving person with good values. It also doesn't equate to sustained and continued resentment and anger, albeit there will be spodaric hurt surfacing once in a while (those will resurface in LC too). Being no contact is was ultimately allowed me to honor both my parents by being the best I could be, which is something I cannot achieve when my mother is in my life triggering my C-PTSD. And so, maybe I've misread your comment, but I would invite you to not judge someone too harshly from one comment about mother's day. I am actually in a very good place right now, more than I was two years ago when I was trying to balance my impossible mother's needs and my children's needs.

Notwendy, no matter the path we take, I think we will always second guess ourselves. The path we choose to take is the one that come naturally to us for one reason or another. There is no right way, just different path to survive this impossible mess we had to deal with all our life.

[Pook075]

See, I know you meant well in your answers to me and Notwendy, but this is exactly the kind of comments filled with biases that can deeply hurt those of us who "couldn't be good daughters".

I am so sorry, I meant the exact opposite- you HAVE BEEN A GOOD DAUGHTER.  Having a bad mom does not make you a bad daughter; those two things have nothing to do with each other.

I simply meant to forgive your mom for failing you, letting go of that past pain for yourself.  None of us are saints and we never will be.  I'm dealing with two generations of BPD in my wife/daughter as well, so I completely understand how they can push every last button and suddenly claim to be the victim.  It's maddening!  

But I've forgiven them and moved on, and surprisingly my forgiveness greatly helped my daughter heal and overcome some of her own demons.  With my wife, well...I forgive her too, even though she's still lashing out with hate and venom every chance she gets.  It doesn't get under my skin anymore though because I've let the past pain go.

[Pook075]

Oops, double-posted. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

I have edited my post quite a bit. Might be worth it to read it again. Thank you for clarifying how you felt, both your post read back to back gave quite another idea.

[PinkPanther]

I have edited my post quite a bit. Might be worth it to read it again. Thank you for clarifying how you felt, both your post read back to back gave quite another idea.

Just piggybacking off of your previous comments for shared experiece:

NC was beautiful for me. Beautiful. It was quiet and for once in my life, I didn't care how my mother felt about anything, which was freeing. I have forgiven lots but will never forget. And I am ok with that. I like to see how others here navigate their relationships too. It gives me good ideas.

I admire the strength all of us have here no matter what level of contact that looks like. Navigating the relationship with my mom has been the most painful thing I have done in my life. More painful than the death of my father.

[Turkish]

I admire the strength all of us have here no matter what level of contact that looks like. Navigating the relationship with my mom has been the most painful thing I have done in my life. More painful than the death of my father.

Do you think it is because your father's passing was closure by circumstance; whereas, dealing with your mother is an ongoing struggle?

[Notwendy]

See, I know you meant well in your answers to me and Notwendy, but this is exactly the kind of comments filled with biases that can deeply hurt those of us who "couldn't be good daughters". Can you see how, read back to back, those actually infer that I am filled with anger and resentment because I chose no contact, so basically unhappy and unable to forgive, while Notwendy gets the credit for being a good daughter because she is low contact, which is by the way exactly what she warned about? How she herself doesn't agree with this bias?

I'd like to address the different perspectives between the romantic relationship and the one from the child. One thing I learned about my parents' relationship was that it was far more complicated than I could perceive, and also, that my father, who I assumed was the "normal" one was as much a part of the dynamics as my mother, who I saw at the "one with the problem".

Likewise, I will say that these dynamics influenced his perception of my relationship with her. He couldn't really see it. But that has to be an aspect of being in love with someone with her disorder- and also the walking on eggshells which we all were expected to do.

I will propose that if someone is in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD, they can't fully know what it is like to be in the child- parent relationship. Vice versa- they may see their partner through the lens of the romantic bond. We kids don't. Each has their own opinion - be the "good daughter". Perhaps the equivalent comment from me would have been "why don't you just divorce her".

The answer to both comments is "it's complicated and you have no idea" and both comments bring about anger, guilt, and sadness when said to the person who is struggling in these relationships.

For my mother, being a "good daughter" is being a doormat to her, complying with her requests, and accepting her emotional and verbal abuse. I actually tried to be a "good daughter" to my parents and comply as much as possible but found myself seeking counseling during college, to deal with the influence of my family. One counselor even recommended that I go NC at the time, and I tried but I still wanted contact with my father, and that had to include my mother. It was clear that the expectation of any relationship with him was to comply with her.

My father was the positive aspect of my family growing up. I attribute all of the good in our childhood to him. Because of him, we were supported materially, got good educations and I have many good memories of outings with him on weekends when he took us out to parks, movies, museums. BPD mother did not come along. I see now that he was probably getting us away from her, maybe not for our sake only, but also for hers, to alleviate her own stress.

So as much as he cared for us and protected us, it's puzzling that he also didn't acknowledge her behaviors with us. On the Karpman triangle, his main role was as rescuer and enabler to her. One reason I spend time reading and posting on the relationship board is to learn to understand why, why the father who was the "hero" of my childhood, the father who I thought loved me and to who I tried to be a "good daughter" to also allowed and denied at times, my mother's behavior not just with us but to himself as well, because I think he got the worst of it.

Maybe it was worth it to him to do this but I made a different choice. I would not ever allow my mother to treat my children like that. Having boundaries with her upset her, and that was unacceptable to my parents. Forgiveness? That was already done by me. I see that she has a disorder. I see that my father did the best he could with a very difficult situation and appreciate the good he did for us. I believe that both parents have done the best they could to their abilities. I accept that I can not fully perceive all the complicated issues that were involved in my father's choices. It's my mother who can not perceive that I am also trying to do the best I can in a difficult situation, and for whom I don't meet her expectations of me.

The only people who can validate that we are "good daughters" are our parents. They are the ones we try to please, to be good daughters to. There is nobody else we can be daughters to. It's our parents who set the criteria for this. However, the push pull dynamics exist here too. Just like the romantic highs where one is painted "white" - there can be the turn around to the other side. We might be able to gain their approval at times, but this can change.

My mother sees things from victim perspective. I can visit, and spend the whole time doing things for her, but what she focuses on are what I didn't do, or what I didn't do right in her idea of what that is. It is sad for her that she sees things this way but I can't change this for her.

I agree with the rules on the relationship board to not post "run" messages. It's because each of these kinds of relationships are very complicated and each individual has to go through their own process to arrive at such a decision. Each decision also is difficult- it's not as if one is easier than the other. I think it would be a good idea to extend this same idea to advising about LC or NC because, these decisions are also difficult, and involve many other considerations. Divorce, NC, or LC are all usually last resort decisions, made after considerable effort to avoid them.

[Notwendy]

I know that the good daughter comments are made with the best of intentions. I trust that every person here has made the very best decision for their own circumstances and also that it's a difficult one to make.

 

[zachira]

My BPD mother is deceased. My mother often sent me cards for different occasions with all kinds of loving messages though she was not able to be loving to me in person. I often sent her this type of card for special occasions though at times felt conflicted in doing so. I had a fantasy bond with my mother for many years, in which I truly loved her and did not recognize she did not know how to love her children or anybody else because of her BPD. It is hard for me now several years after her death to say she did not love me and I did not love her back. With a mother and other biological relatives, it seems nearly impossible to completely sever the biological bond we have with them, whereas with non relatives we can end a relationship and be truly over it. Whatever we do or don't do for our mother on Mother's Day, it is key to know that we are making a conscious decision and not one based on a fantasy bond that continues to impede our happiness and having genuine loving reciprocal relationships with others. Everyone with a disordered mother, has their own journey and way to deal with not getting the love and respect they deserve/deserved from their mother. We are all a work in progress in dealing with a disordered mother, even when we are no contact or our mother is deceased.

[Pook075]

I have edited my post quite a bit. Might be worth it to read it again. Thank you for clarifying how you felt, both your post read back to back gave quite another idea.

It does give different content and again, I do apologize if I came off as insensitive.  From my journey, I was carrying so much anger and hurt that I had ignored for decades...and it started with little things.  My wife never cleaning up after herself or disappearing for the weekend with her family.  But after being let down and hurt over and over and over again, even the small things began to feel like big things.  I was constantly angry, depressed, saracstic...my life was about living in hate because I felt so deeply that I was wronged.

What I realized shortly thereafter though, was that all that anger inside of me...it only hurt me.  Nobody else could see it and unless I wad ranting about my wife or my kid, it had zero effect on the world.  But deep inside, it was eating me alive and I was no longer the person I've always been...I was way less because my emotions were controlling my reality.  And finally one day I said what's the point? 

What good does it do to be angry at my wife for having a mental disorder that's not completely her fault?  I mean, she can't help it if her emotions are always dysregulated and she often sees in black and white.  Half the time she's being cold-hearted, she doesn't even realize it unless I tell her...which I wouldn't do because she'd explode or shut down.  The real problem all along was me, for putting up with it, for letting it get under my skin so badly, and for not making changes a long time ago.

So I completely forgave my wife and daughter both, which allowed me to let go of my own anguish.  And you're right, I can still remember when my wife and I had a fight in a parking lot 22 years ago, I tried to walk away to cool off, and she proceeds to hit me with my own car...twice.  Yeah, it's still there and it's definitely still not a happy memory, but I realize now that she was/is sick and was not thinking clearly when that happened.  So I've really let it go and I won't bring it up to her again.'

My BPD daughter, on the other hand, we're actually really close now.  She made a comment maybe 7 months ago that she deeply regretted all the things she had done to me throughout her life, and about a week later I wrote her a letter saying I forgave her for absolutely everything.  For the past six months, I've had a daughter that I never could have dreamed of...we're like best friends and she tells me everything about her life.  I am so incredibly proud of her as well, and when she starts to get down she calls her daddy to level off.

Again, I was speaking from my personal experiences when I said to forgive completely.  I have my daughter back because of it, and because of our relationship you wouldn't know she has BPD anymore.  Completely a different person and therapy works wonders for her because she's all-in on moving past this.

For my wife, we'll see.  But forgiving her does let me feel compassion for her sickness instead of anger.  I doubt we ever reconcile but that pain that was in my life is no longer inside me, I've let it all go and I'm back to being just me again...a much better me than I was in our marriage.

[PinkPanther]

Do you think it is because your father's passing was closure by circumstance; whereas, dealing with your mother is an ongoing struggle?

I feel that's exactly what it is.
My parents had been divorced since I was a teenager. Classic to BPD though, mom kept us away from him. I always thought it was because my father was an alcoholic but now that I have lived longer I think it was just her way of keeping herself a primary in our lives.

My dad struggled with substance abuse but...he was nothing like her. When sober he was the best. And even when he wasn't he was never unkind, mean etc. Dad was a bit of a hippie. I kept a safe distance from him as an adult because I couldn't deal with the instability of substance abuse. But I was ok with the decision I made. I mostly hurt for him because I know he could have gotten better had his circumstances been different. He tried frequently and failed because he was enabled by certain family members.

Mom on the other hand, I just would rather not deal with anymore. The pain with her lies in knowing she is capable of making better choices in she just doesn't. Her own pain and suffering will supercede that of mine, and, well as a mother myself, I am doing everything I can personally to be the best mother I can be because I don't want my children to suffer. I admit when I am a crappy mother and I utilize resources to do better. My mom just wants to be taken care of by everyone and just babied. She is in therapy, diagnosed etc etc and still in my conversations about this stuff it all circles back to her. She really can't think about the future and her behavior or how it affects others. Her empathy is only for those that are marginalized by something. That is really painful to experience. I feel like my mom has sabotaged me in many ways throughout my life and I just can't be bothered anymore. I am hoping I am able to raise my children and empower them with this information. The energy of being a daughter is still there despite this though and that is a struggle. When good things happen I want to share with mom but my mom is jealous and vindictive so I can't. When I am having a difficult time with no benefits or nothing shining attention on me is the only time she can show up. That hurts.

My dad, I knew I couldn't expect certain things from him. It was clear. BPD parent is sneaky, I feel like that makes it worse.

[Notwendy]

I do think that forgiveness is for us. Forgetting though, I think we can use the information with our own boundaries. We can forgive for previous abusive behavior but if it is continuing - we can also choose to be protective.

It was different with my father as well, but confusing. He was the more stable parent, the one I could trust, but also he would align with BPD mother and at times, carry out her wishes, even if they were hurtful.

Compared to my mother- any kindness or affection was probably a lot to me at the time. He was the parent to me. I almost didn't go to his funeral, not out of disrespect but because I didn't feel I belonged with the family after that. My kids wanted to go so I went for them. They were very attached to him and he was good to them.

There wasn't much closure about the relationship. I am not clear about what it meant to him, but I also choose to remember the many happy times with him and the good he did for us kids. The closure was on hope. I wanted his approval. I don't have much hope for BPD mother to change how she relates to me but as long as she has that chance, there must be some hope.

[Mommydoc]

This is a great string.  Recently, I have been mostly reading and not posting, as I am processing a lot internally right now.  I guess I was also worried that posting about my mom right now would not be helpful to all of you right now, but I am appreciative of the candor and kindness that is here.  I can see that we all have very different circumstances and love the mutual support.

I am filled with sadness as Mother’s Day approaches.  On the positive side, I didn’t think my mom would be here, so I see this weekend as a gift.  I am committed to making it special and meaningful for both of us. 

And I also know it is my last Mother’s Day with my mom.  Not seeing her for 10 days during vacation,  when I returned, I could see her decline, and hospice is noting continued concerns since my return.  Her doctor, who has cared for her for >10 years and been a huge comfort and support to me, announced while I was away that she is moving to Wyoming ( next week!).  She has taken time off and I am trying to establish a new physician for my mom.  Because my mom is in hospice it is not a critical role from a medical perspective, but from a communication with my sister perspective and supporting hospice as things happen, it is huge. She was amazing.  I am feeling vulnerable with her leaving in terms of navigating my moms last chapter. I don’t want to be the one to update my sister, as she will turn every symptom into something to berate me and my decisions. I need that buffer and it is gone.  And it appears we are possibly headed ( again) into the beginning of the end.  As prepared as I thought I was it has been a very difficult week for me as I face the reality of my mom’s condition.

My sister left me alone for a few more days and then reached out via email ( that is a win as she respected my email only boundary) demanding a meeting with me to “ discuss many things” after her visit.  I know she had a lot of meetings while she was here, including with the trust financial advisor.  She told me she had left a “ surprise Mothers Day” gift for my mom in her room, that she wanted me to give to my mother during a Mothers Day face time, and emphasized how it was important that the “ three of us” share that moment on FT.  It feels like pure manipulation, but I keep trying to come back to what my mom deserves and needs.  She probably would benefit from FTing my sister on Mothers Day.  If I were across the country I would appreciate my sister doing that for me. 

So I told her it was thoughtful to leave a gift and thanked her for the suggestion. I told her “we” would face time her at a specific time on Sunday.  I plan to have my husband with me, and to be in a public place in the memory unit, partaking of the planned festivities.  I will give her a few minutes and hope it is positive for my mom, and I will cut it off, if she starts in on other stuff. We can do it by email.  I am not going to agree to any meetings with her alone.  This week, I also finished the edits to my lawyers legal cover letter for the completeTrust Accounting, which she will receive in the next week and which will throw her into a rage.  ( Anything from my attorney triggers her, even benign factual things like this). 

I do think that forgiveness is for us. Forgetting though, I think we can use the information with our own boundaries. We can forgive for previous abusive behavior but if it is continuing - we can also choose to be protective.

This is a very helpful statement NotWendy.  Having been both NC and LC with my sister, they are both hard for different reasons.  For me, NC is easier.   LC requires a lot more energy for me.  As you said, these decisions are all usually last resort decisions.   The decisions are often associated with self doubt and guilt, and therefore it is very important for each of us to self reflect and allow ourselves to place our own values, feelings and needs first, despite what others might think or judge us for.  My situation is not about being a good daughter, but rather a good sister ( or not).  Because that was a role my parents really emphasized with me from the day my sister was born, it is hard to let go of, just as the concept of “ good daughter” is something those of you with mothers wBPD have to grapple with.  I do want to say, that it has been a privilege to listen and learn from  your stories.  You are each such thoughtful and beautiful individuals.  Thank you and wishing you peace and beauty this weekend. 

[livednlearned]

Following on Mommydoc's comments I wanted to echo the same sentiment, how much I appreciate the kindness and candor here. I just came back from seeing my (non) BPD mother and still processing.

I don't like Mother's Day. I'm a mother and I don't even like it as a holiday for me.

My mother does not have BPD, although she's an adult child and is very emotionally mature. Everything is about her and she's not a curious person so having a conversation takes effort. I feel repulsion when I'm with her and it's almost insufferable to spend any amount of time with her especially with new boundaries in place to protect myself from dysfunctional family dynamics. Like Notwendy said, there are often dysfunctional dynamics in families when someone has BPD. Whether my mother has it or not, she fanned the flames and when she was presented with options to heal, she went full turtle. There is the abuse when it happens, then there is the abuse when someone refuses to hear your SOS.

She is a bad mother.

I really connect to the "good daughter" issue and what it means when you have a mother who isn't good. My mother stood by and did nothing while I was being beaten well into my mid-20s by my uBPD brother. I think she's the codependent type who secretly liked when my brother abused me because she believed I had it coming. If it was my brother beating me up, she could look the other way and claim to be a good mother who didn't beat her children, meanwhile if she was angry at me someone else could deliver the beating.

I know her generation of women were treated like children but she seemed to think this was something she could excel at. 

I don't like the forgiveness/forget narrative for myself because I keep changing, and forgiving and forgetting seem like some final end point where it's all good (or not). Some days I hate my mother and some days I can shrug her off. I've had moments where we laugh together and at times I can see she was doing her best. Most of the time, when I'm with her, I feel repulsed and forgiving/forgetting doesn't help with that. The adage that hating someone is like "drinking poison expecting other people to die is" might work if you are carrying around a lot of hate and can't move on in your life, but many of us are not in such a severe place. 

What I care about is growing through whatever stunted me.

I have parented myself for much of my life.

Even as a kid I knew better than to rely on my mom or ask for advice much less take it.

If I came to her with a serious problem it was all but guaranteed she would make it worse.

I feel a bit ripped off that I had to be the mother I didn't have. I came so close to ruining my son's life and had so many close calls that could've ended in serious injury or worse. It cost me a lot of money and took me so long to get myself sorted out, to heal and make something meaningful out of my life.

I've sought out women older than me and made deep and lasting friendships with people who taught me about friendship, about what it means to be good to people and to be a good mom, how to go after things that are important to me, how to stand up to bullies and to believe that the limitations that happened in childhood because of a childlike mother might slow me down but not define me. I learned to be a full person, a bit dinged up but very functional.

If I celebrate anything on mother's day it's learning to parent myself. Happy mother's day to me