Not sure how to supportively end the relationship

[F]

I found out that my partner had been in a several year emotional affair and threatened and then attempted suicide to punish this person for leaving him. I hospitalized him and I was given no choice but to bring him home afterwards.

We are in a stalemate because he still wants to maintain a relationship with this person. He is not well enough to financially support himself right now as he has other psychiatric conditions as well. I’m trying to figure out how to safely end the relationship for both of us.

[EZEarache]

We are in a stalemate because he still wants to maintain a relationship with this person. He is not well enough to financially support himself right now as he has other psychiatric conditions as well. I’m trying to figure out how to safely end the relationship for both of us.

I don't envy your situation. Doesn't really sound like you are conflicted about this. The only conflict seems to be in how to go about it.

Are you able to attend any of the post hospitalization therapy sessions? If so maybe you can ease into it there. Start out as the caring partner, and if you ever have an opportunity for a private session you can address your goals with the therapist.

[ForeverDad]

Prepare yourself for his reaction (overreaction) to "punish you for leaving him".

You didn't cause his mental health issues, though he may claim so.

One aspect about BPD is (1) it is most evident and impacting to those closest to the person with BPD (pwBPD) and (2) the people closest are the ones that are perceived as being the cause of the pwBPD's immense emotional baggage that he can't get past.

[F]

Prepare yourself for his reaction (overreaction) to "punish you for leaving him".

You didn't cause his mental health issues, though he may claim so.

One aspect about BPD is (1) it is most evident and impacting to those closest to the person with BPD (pwBPD) and (2) the people closest are the ones that are perceived as being the cause of the pwBPD's immense emotional baggage that he can't get past.

Thank you, He threatened to kill himself in front of me when I hospitalized him. Thankfully after almost a month post-hospitalization, he is no longer so. I gave him 6 months to get it together enough to move out. He’s saying now that he has never been happy in our marriage of 20 years.

His thinking about us and whether he wants to maintain the relationship fluctuates. I see no path forward. I have no idea if he really will leave, or if he will threaten me again when that time comes. I suppose my only option would be a protective order in that case. I’ve been reluctant to pursue a protective order, because I fear it might escalate him.

[F]

Are you able to attend any of the post hospitalization therapy sessions? If so maybe you can ease into it there. Start out as the caring partner, and if you ever have an opportunity for a private session you can address your goals with the therapist.

I haven’t been able to attend therapy with him, but he allowed me to email his therapist information from my perspective of the problems. I imagine that it helped her. She was supportive of me in any event.

[livednlearned]

He’s saying now that he has never been happy in our marriage of 20 years.

Ouch. I'm so sorry you have to hear this, and at the same time taking care of him after an affair. He's probably expressing pain and self-loathing but still. It's a lot to take in.

I’ve been reluctant to pursue a protective order, because I fear it might escalate him.

There's a great chapter in Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker about POs and when they're useful, not useful.

Does he have any family in his life?

When I left my ex, it came after a year of planning. A lawyer had outlined what could happen so I took that info and got ducks in a row in case we ended up in a worse-case scenario. I didn't feel strong enough to just up and leave so I did a bit extra knowing it was necessary if I wanted to actually get out.

Things didn't go exactly according to plan when I left but there were so many pieces in place that it wasn't a total catastrophe.

In my experience, the heat of the emotions during an active abandonment don't usually end up in cooperation.

Have you consulted with an attorney?

Are you seeing your own therapist?

I'm grateful I had a team of people in place so when my ex went off the deep-end it wasn't just me and my internal dialog piecing things together. As someone with codependent traits, I had a tendency to over subscribe cause and effect to my behaviors, as though I played a more important role than I actually did. Having others involved breaks up that narrative and keeps things real at a time when you need that reality in order to move forward.

[Pook075]

Thank you, He threatened to kill himself in front of me when I hospitalized him. Thankfully after almost a month post-hospitalization, he is no longer so. I gave him 6 months to get it together enough to move out. He’s saying now that he has never been happy in our marriage of 20 years.

As painful as that is to hear, hopefully you realize that it's a lie.  My BPD wife of 24 years said something similar before we separated.  But there's a silver lining there as well- if he's saying he's not happy, then ask him about next steps.  What would make him happy? (moving out)  How can you support him in that transition? (being a friend, but not taking abuse)  Talk it out and let him make the decisions.

His thinking about us and whether he wants to maintain the relationship fluctuates. I see no path forward. I have no idea if he really will leave, or if he will threaten me again when that time comes. I suppose my only option would be a protective order in that case. I’ve been reluctant to pursue a protective order, because I fear it might escalate him.

Here's a really hard lesson- EVERYTHING he says is the truth from his viewpoint.  However, his viewpoint can change in seconds because it's all based on his emotions in the moment.  I love you.  I hate you.  Get out.  Don't leave me.  That's his truth in that moment in time while he's dysregulated.  Hopefully you also understand that this is not your fault, you didn't cause this and it will be there whether you leave or stay.  He'll just find someone else to blame everything on.

Focus on yourself and how you communicate with him, there's tons of great resources here to help guide you.  Also ask plenty of questions and let us support you however we can.  You're not alone in this!

[ForeverDad]

At some point, at least after the relationship is ended, you can't 'support' him anymore.  When dealing with these acting-out persons, when the relationship ends, it is wisest for the contact to end as well.  If there are shared children it may be impossible to avoid all contact, but t least it is kept to a bare minimum such as at weddings, grandchildren, etc.