How to deal with being blamed?

[Bella2798]

I guess I've had a similar topic about this, but this behavior is now more visible to me and I just wanted to ask for advice on the new situation.

My partner has decided to have a kind of surgery that is considered cosmetic. His case is kind of a medical one too, but as he's a student where he lives and has public insurance, the insurance probably won't cover the costs.
We did a bit of research and posted on some forums to get some advice about the situation, because he read somewhere that if the case is affecting his mental health (which it is), and if the surgeon diagnoses the case as not purely cosmetic, then he can apply for insurance coverage. People told us this could be possible, but it's not easy work. He had an appointment with his GP today, and his GP said that there's no chance for him to get coverage from his insurance because he's not born in that country, and insurances in that country will only cover that kind of surgery in some cases like cancer.

And here comes the fight. He was suicidal before the appointment, and after the session he told me he knew everything, but I was a silly person that made him try for that because I'm not realistic, and he tried anyway and got humiliated and his time and energy were wasted. We had kind of a fight over this problem. I told him that I'm not living there, so I don't know about the medical system, and maybe a second opinion from a surgeon could be more useful as they've seen more similar cases than a GP. He was angry, as he told me "I'm telling you about the system every day, and this is the procedure here; no matter how many doctors you visit, it'll be the same".

He came to apologize for his behavior and the fight and told me that he believes and trusts in everything I say, then pays for it, gets mocked, and gets seen as a bad/dumb person.
I can see the anxiety that he has in these sayings. He has always cared about how others see him. It's even kind of an obsession. And he really relies on me, as he thinks he doesn't know how to live like other adults do (this is what he says). It's like the world is a dangerous, chaotic place to him.

But the problem is that I don't want to be the center of his blame. I told him so, too. Especially because I try to be as neutral as possible when I give him my opinion on what he wants to do, and let him decide as he wants to (and this even pisses him off sometimes). I don't want him to project his feelings and anger onto me.

I've realized that I think he decides as he wants to and doesn't accept my opinions. Then, if there's a failure (and sometimes a success, but of course failures are bolder), I suddenly find out that he actually believed every single thing I told him/found for him, etc. It's complicated for me.

(I've been kind of upgraded, though. :D The old Bella would instantly apologize for her part in this matter and text him a lot to make sure he was okay. This time I told him that I wouldn't tolerate being blamed and called names. A similar situation like this would turn into a fight with no apologies.)

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[Notwendy]

(I've been kind of upgraded, though. :D The old Bella would instantly apologize for her part in this matter and text him a lot to make sure he was okay. This time I told him that I wouldn't tolerate being blamed and called names. A similar situation like this would turn into a fight with no apologies.)

Good job there!

On the blame issue- in Karpman triangle dynamics, I think the pwBPD takes victim perspective. What is the "benefit" of that? It avoids accountability and shame. Shame is a very difficult emotion. Victims are not to be blamed, so someone else (the persecutor) is to be blamed. For someone to not be accountable, they have to blame someone else.

One thing I learned when working on co-dependency is to stay on my side of the fence when it comes to doing things for people. This means- stop doing things for people that they can do for themselves. We grew up doing a lot for my BPD mother- and if she isn't happy with what we did, we got blamed. What is wrong with helping people? We keep them dependent on us, and actually it's enabling. People feel resentful when they do too much for someone and they don't react positively. People also feel controlled when others do too much for them.

Your partner is a grown adult. His medical appointments are his business. He's capable of making his own appointments and going to them. Yes, you care about him and want to be involved with his day to day life, and want to be supportive to him, but let him manage his own responsibilities. If he's in another country, and going to school, he's already doing this- taking charge of his daily tasks. When you do things for him that he can do for himself,  he's going to feel irritated and blame you.

I have found that even innocent suggestions can feel invalidating to my BPD mother. To her, a suggestion says "you can't do this". If someone asks for advice, then it's possible, but sometimes when she asks me for advice - it's also a set up- so that she can blame me for it if she's not happy about it. If it's something I think she should be doing for herself, my reply is- this is up to you, so it's your choice. We will intervene if the situation is something we feel is harmful, but we can only do so much and that would mean calling 911 if necessary. If she's well and it's an appointment, she can manage this. You say your partner has been "suicidal"- all you can do if he says this is to call emergency in his country. That would require professional help.

Consider backing away from being involved in the tasks that an adult can handle themselves. Also, if he "blames" you for something, don't JADE back. See it for what it is, his frustration being projected.  

[Bella2798]

Thanks a lot! Your posts and replies have always helped me. It was a good feeling to finally show my feelings and stand for them. I should confess that I was stressed, but it was a good experience.

The problem is that if I was directly involved in the situation, I would tolerate the blame and the behavior more easily.
He asked me to do a quick research on his question on some forums as he did too, and then I sent him screenshots. Before this, he had already made his appointment. Then he blamed me for making that appointment, telling me I gave him false hope.
I'm also trying to let him do his stuff on his own. You're right about that.
When he's in such moods, it seems like no matter what I do, he's ready to blame me. :-) If I give him my own opinion on the matter, then he'll blame me because it's me that has given him false information/hope. If I tell him I don't know and you know your own situation better than anyone else, then he has something else to blame me for: "I ask for your opinion and you're not even mature enough to have an opinion on your own, and you want to act like you're an adult!"
It seems like a coping mechanism for him to deal with the shame you told me.

Also, could you please give me more info about not to JADE back? I've seen some stuff about it here on the forum but I can't find them, I don't know why. -.-

[Notwendy]

If someone is in victim perspective, they have to blame someone else. So yes, you can't win this one. This happens a lot with my BPD mother. She will have someone do something for her and then blame them if she isn't happy with it. If we refuse, then we are the horrible children who never do what she asks us to. ( we could do 100 things for her but if we say no once, then it's never). I could give many examples but I think you know the pattern. I just have to resign to being the one blamed sometimes and not respond to it. It's not easy though. Sometimes I get upset by it.

I can't find the JADE info for some reason either. It's not specific to BPD but also is helpful in other dysfunction. Here's an explanation:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain#How-to-detach-without-justifying,-arguing,-denying,-or-explaining

[kells76]

Happy to share the Tools & Skills link 

Don’t “JADE” (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[thankful person]

Hi Bella,
I’m proud of you for how you’re able to better frame things without hating on yourself and blaming yourself just because your partner says it’s all your fault. I used to be the same, endlessly apologising. Tbh I think I was telling my wife, “I am pathetic and don’t deserve your respect”. She definitely gets over things better without any apology. Which is irritating if I ever do wish to take any responsibility and apologise, as she’s just like, “could you STOP going on about THAT! It’s OVER!” I often feel I can’t get it right. My wife and I went bra shopping yesterday and she was measured for the first time in ages. She picked out loads of bras for herself. I looked at a couple and she picked a red one for me to try. For some reason I came out saying, “shall I just get this black one?” I don’t know why I was asking her really. But I was just thinking save money and get something practical. The red one would be for special occasions and it’s not like we have many . Anyway apparently I got that all wrong. Firstly I should have bought the bra she chose me. Secondly I should have picked one for her (of course she didn’t mention this). But I know it’s all smoke and mirrors with bpd. If I had bought the red bra and chose one for her my prediction is she would be saying, “it’s not fair you have a really nice sexy bra I chose for you and I’ve got one I don’t even like but I got it for you cos you liked it.” Argggggggh! You really can’t win. At least I can see that now. As an aside my wife had private cosmetic surgery at age 18 using some inheritance money and she loves going on about how she wants to get more. I know she can’t help the way she feels but I’m just like thinking, HOW can you think of spending money on that when we have children growing up who could make much better use of it…

[Matty]

I have been reading the articles from this psychologist: Daniel Lobel, specifically this one where he talks about blame:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-side-the-couch/202208/repairing-damage-borderline-personality-disorder

Seems like you are setting a boundary for your spouse to stop blaming you. I am currently attempting to set a boundary with my spouse to stop the verbal abuse and if thats successful, stopping the blame game would be my next goal.

Hope this helps.

[Notwendy]

This is an interesting article- and I think it's helpful in two ways- one is for people to understand thinking patterns of someone with BPD. The next would be for a therapist working with the person with BPD on their thoughts and feelings.

And the not helpful part- the part where he says this belief should be replaced with another belief. Yes, but - we don't have the ability to change anyone's beliefs. We have no control over someone's thoughts and feelings- only they do- and if they are willing to work with a therapist on this, great, but this isn't something we can do.

Damage repair: The behaviors of someone with BPD can impact relationships but if it is their behavior that does that, it's their responsibly to make the changes that are needed to repair- they have to be motivated. I would say this article is for the person with BPD and/or their therapist.

It's natural to assume that if we "set a boundary" the other person will see that and comply with it, but look at belief #3. If we are in a relationship with someone who does not respect other people's boundaries, and we can't control them, then what?

Boundaries are for us, not them. They reflect our own values. We may not be able to stop someone from blaming us, especially if this is something they believe or think. We can control ourselves though- this is our response to someone not respecting our boundaries. If someone blames us, we don't have to react to it. Or we can choose to end the conversation and not listen to it. The boundary is "I don't want to listen to being blamed for something I am not responsible for, if someone blames me I will____( end the conversation, change the subject...etc). This is going to be more effective than telling the other person "You will not blame me for things I didn't do" if it's their thinking.

As to damaging relationships- these beliefs lead to behaviors that do affect relationships. That is the natural consequence of these behaviors because people don't like to be treated in that way. What are the personal boundaries other people might have?

Belief #1. It isn't acceptable to me to be subjected to verbal abuse when others don't get their way.

Belief #2. I didn't cause the issue you are upset about.

Belief #3. It's not acceptable to me to be treated that way.

Talking about these boundaries is also not effective. Actions are. Sometimes it is better to not state them at all but to take action by ending the conversation. If you are on the phone, you can say "oh someone is at the door, we can speak later" or "I have a meeting at work, we can speak later". You can still be polite and civil- and not react emotionally, but just not engage in conversations where you are being blamed.

[waverider]

Talking about these boundaries is also not effective. Actions are. Sometimes it is better to not state them at all but to take action by ending the conversation. If you are on the phone, you can say "oh someone is at the door, we can speak later" or "I have a meeting at work, we can speak later". You can still be polite and civil- and not react emotionally, but just not engage in conversations where you are being blamed.

This is important on 2 aspects.

Firstly from the pwBPDs point of view it simply adds more words that they can play with and massage into a context that tags them as victim, which is the whole point of it. It validates the victim stance.

Secondly, as it will fall on deaf ears and have no impact it will start to add to your own frustration and make it even harder to extract yourself in a peaceable way. Remember pwBPD dont do "agree to disagree". Triggering your frustration or anger again is simply going to validate victimhood. They are simply not going to give any merit to your reasoning

All words or debate are simply adding fuel to escalation.

[Bella2798]

If someone is in victim perspective, they have to blame someone else. So yes, you can't win this one. This happens a lot with my BPD mother. She will have someone do something for her and then blame them if she isn't happy with it. If we refuse, then we are the horrible children who never do what she asks us to. ( we could do 100 things for her but if we say no once, then it's never). I could give many examples but I think you know the pattern. I just have to resign to being the one blamed sometimes and not respond to it. It's not easy though. Sometimes I get upset by it.

I can't find the JADE info for some reason either. It's not specific to BPD but also is helpful in other dysfunction. Here's an explanation:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain#How-to-detach-without-justifying,-arguing,-denying,-or-explaining

we could do 100 things for her but if we say no once, then it's never

There's something that my partner always says when he's splitting on me that makes me laugh instead of getting angry. He say's I NEVER listen to him on the phone and don't answer his questions and I'm always shopping, which was only the case once because I had to buy something. In his eyes if something has happened once, then it's always happening.

[Notwendy]

If this is how he thinks, there's nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is change how you react to it. Think of ways you can do some self care when being blamed so you don't take this personally.

[Bella2798]

Hi Bella,
I’m proud of you for how you’re able to better frame things without hating on yourself and blaming yourself just because your partner says it’s all your fault. I used to be the same, endlessly apologising. Tbh I think I was telling my wife, “I am pathetic and don’t deserve your respect”. She definitely gets over things better without any apology. Which is irritating if I ever do wish to take any responsibility and apologise, as she’s just like, “could you STOP going on about THAT! It’s OVER!” I often feel I can’t get it right. My wife and I went bra shopping yesterday and she was measured for the first time in ages. She picked out loads of bras for herself. I looked at a couple and she picked a red one for me to try. For some reason I came out saying, “shall I just get this black one?” I don’t know why I was asking her really. But I was just thinking save money and get something practical. The red one would be for special occasions and it’s not like we have many . Anyway apparently I got that all wrong. Firstly I should have bought the bra she chose me. Secondly I should have picked one for her (of course she didn’t mention this). But I know it’s all smoke and mirrors with bpd. If I had bought the red bra and chose one for her my prediction is she would be saying, “it’s not fair you have a really nice sexy bra I chose for you and I’ve got one I don’t even like but I got it for you cos you liked it.” Argggggggh! You really can’t win. At least I can see that now. As an aside my wife had private cosmetic surgery at age 18 using some inheritance money and she loves going on about how she wants to get more. I know she can’t help the way she feels but I’m just like thinking, HOW can you think of spending money on that when we have children growing up who could make much better use of it…

Dear Thnakfulperson, thanks for all the positive energy.
It's just funny how pwBPD expect us to know what they have in their minds, and it gives me such anxiety I can't explain. Like how are we even supposed to guess what they want? It's totally impossible, and admitting their core beliefs at the same time. And you're right, there 's no way to win it seems.
I hope things has gotten better for you. I'm also struggling with managing my time between this full time job I recently got (the reason I came back to my topic this late and tbh I don't know if I have enough energy to answer others now:D), which has given him less options for blaming me for not being among people and childish. It seems irritating for him!

[Bella2798]

Here's just an update on how things have been recently. I've switched to a full-time job, which has given me more time to communicate with my partner through phone, and also personal opportunities, as well as less reasons to be blamed for being a child and not seeing the world.

My partner has been on medication (wellbutrin 150mg) for two weeks, which helped him with his depression and a bit (just a little bit) stabilizing his mood swings, but not his triggers for sure. He got triggered by a close person to him two nights ago, that led to another splitting episode since yesterday. This time I got blamed for stopping him from getting accepted into medical university (he could chose to be a nurse but at that time he only thought of psychology, even with studying at the worst universities). He also thinks I make him super mad most of the time and it causes him high IOP (as he has borderline glaucoma, and his anxiety causes him high IOP). It's so unfair, but it seems there's no use in defending myself. I'm blocked by him in most of the apps we use to talk, and I'm
only waiting.

And I'm also struggling with not being dramatic over this new splitting episode.

I hope what I wrote made sense, it seems like my mind is messy.

[Notwendy]

Bella, I hope you know you had nothing to do with him not being accepted into a medical program. These programs are very competitive as you know, in all countries. Being a health care provider- nurse, doctor, physician assistant- all of them- requires top grades, good interpersonal skills, and good emotional regulation. They have to keep emotionally grounded while taking care of people who are in stressful situations. It's possible that one or more of his professors have raised concerns about that. This doesn't mean he's not suited for another profession.

So, you are blocked again, he does this, then he comes around.

It's fantastic you have a full time job! Congrats for that.

[Bella2798]

Dear Notwendy, thanks for the positive vibes! I'm REALLY happy and grateful for my job actually. It gives me more time for myself, also more space to even take care of my partner! I couldn't dream of a better job right now, even though it's not in my own study field.

Funny thing I checked up for the abilities on if he could join any medical school back then and I found out his grades were actually perfect for that, but he ONLY chose and applied for psychology. Haven't told him this yet because I know it will become another reason to blame himself and a new regret, and I don't think I ever will.