Well, I dunno, I'm calmly dealing with my Dad and Neighbor, god it's hard

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm coming off some depression, trying to get out of it by staying busy, but Dad was being a lazy bum, so I pushed him to contribute today, and he started playing the victim, acting like every little thing was a huge deal, blaming me for stuff even when I give him outs, and am flexible. Acting like he has too much to do, when he has hardly anything to do. I didn't take the blame, he messed up on something he got for me for dinner, I still said I need dinner, and he'll need to run nearby to the store. I told him I won't bail him out. I did listen to him more than I ever wanted, but I set a boundary. I still feel like I'm reeling.

Also, I went to the neighbor and asked her if I could pet her cat, because her poor cat lost all trust in me, since I scared her off, because I was worried for her life. I'm less worried now, because my neighbors behavior has improved drastically, since I put my foot down. It's a risk I am willing to take for her and me. She needs it and I miss her. She played the victim about the cat she ran over, and blamed her roommate mostly, and I told her we can be more careful about that though.

Anyways, she basically said she's not an animal abuser, but she let cats breed like 4 times and they ran around fighting, then her one cat got ran over from them fighting. Oh yeah, and they fought in my yard at the time, she buried cats near my front porch, and mysteriously a kitten died that I was trying to save, and she buried it out front. I guess I'm not 100% if she did that on purpose anymore, but it's awfully suspicious.

I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out anymore. I just trust my instincts that she abused those cats to punish me, and try to get my attention, and now she's playing the victim. There's just know way to know which things she did for what reason and why, but I do trust that she tried to suck me in and punish me, by damned near any means necessary, when she needed me. I know I instilled anxieties in her, which she completely ignored, even the reasonable ones. I know some of them weren't so reasonable though.

Anyways, I don't trust her, I trust my instincts. I don't think they possess some mystical quality or something, I just trust my own judgment over what she says, but I don't think I've gotten everything right either, even so, because I was so distrustful, that I became damned near paranoid.

She also said she liked me, and I just said we need to get along. I didn't say I like her back, after I talked to her, I felt kind of gross, and feel a bit gaslit, but I am not panicking. I did one nice thing for her, and gave her friend a daily reader about healing after loss, to give to her, did that last week, since her Dad died. That's the best I could do for her.

I still deal with a lot of baggage about it all, but am limiting journaling to like 1 hour a day and trying to stay active, as focusing on this crap is soul sucking. I need a life, before I can really revisit it all in a major way. I tried to rush the grief process, which my brain can't handle. It takes time to work through trauma, and FOO issues, and all sorts of stuff. Just trying to stay moderate, as best I can, and honestly, trying to rebuild some neurosis, as I tried to pull it out from under my rug at once. (but not all of it).

Anyways, I feel a bit overwhelmed right now, but it's not too bad, gonna go relax, and do something else. These people are so hard to deal with!

[NarcsEverywhere]

I'm coming off some depression, trying to get out of it by staying busy, but Dad was being a lazy bum, so I pushed him to contribute today, and he started playing the victim, acting like every little thing was a huge deal, blaming me for stuff even when I give him outs, and am flexible. Acting like he has too much to do, when he has hardly anything to do. I didn't take the blame, he messed up on something he got for me for dinner, I still said I need dinner, and he'll need to run nearby to the store. I told him I won't bail him out. I did listen to him more than I ever wanted, but I set a boundary. I still feel like I'm reeling.

Also, I went to the neighbor and asked her if I could pet her cat, because her poor cat lost all trust in me, since I scared her off, because I was worried for her life. I'm less worried now, because my neighbors behavior has improved drastically, since I put my foot down. It's a risk I am willing to take for her and me. She needs it and I miss her. She played the victim about the cat she ran over, and blamed her roommate mostly, and I told her we can be more careful about that though.

Anyways, she basically said she's not an animal abuser, but she let cats breed like 4 times and they ran around fighting, then her one cat got ran over from them fighting. Oh yeah, and they fought in my yard at the time, she buried cats near my front porch, and mysteriously a kitten died that I was trying to save, and she buried it out front. I guess I'm not 100% if she did that on purpose anymore, but it's awfully suspicious.

I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out anymore. I just trust my instincts that she abused those cats to punish me, and try to get my attention, and now she's playing the victim. There's just know way to know which things she did for what reason and why, but I do trust that she tried to suck me in and punish me, by damned near any means necessary, when she needed me. I know I instilled anxieties in her, which she completely ignored, even the reasonable ones. I know some of them weren't so reasonable though.

Anyways, I don't trust her, I trust my instincts. I don't think they possess some mystical quality or something, I just trust my own judgment over what she says, but I don't think I've gotten everything right either, even so, because I was so distrustful, that I became damned near paranoid.

She also said she liked me, and I just said we need to get along. I didn't say I like her back, after I talked to her, I felt kind of gross, and feel a bit gaslit, but I am not panicking. I did one nice thing for her, and gave her friend a daily reader about healing after loss, to give to her, did that last week, since her Dad died. That's the best I could do for her.

I still deal with a lot of baggage about it all, but am limiting journaling to like 1 hour a day and trying to stay active, as focusing on this crap is soul sucking. I need a life, before I can really revisit it all in a major way. I tried to rush the grief process, which my brain can't handle. It takes time to work through trauma, and FOO issues, and all sorts of stuff. Just trying to stay moderate, as best I can, and honestly, trying to rebuild some neurosis, as I tried to pull it out from under my rug at once. (but not all of it).

Anyways, I feel a bit overwhelmed right now, but it's not too bad, gonna go relax, and do something else. These people are so hard to deal with!

[HappyChappy]

Hey NarcsEverywhere,

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Dealing with depression is tough. I get you're trying to do the right thing, which is admirable. But maybe focus more on what your needs are right now ? Be good to yourself, you deserve it. Also I'd recommend reading up on Karpman drama triangle. 

[NarcsEverywhere]

I think you're right, and I am, but one of my needs is to feel safe with the neighbor and with my Dad, and not feel so lonely in my own home, and to connect to the pets where I can.

But I agree, putting myself first today. I do think I got too lost in anger, and I am learning to channel it productively, while also working through it a bit. I think it's important to do BOTH. I just wish this support group was more open about anger, I know there's a propensity here to avoid hatred, but often times hatred happens because of not expressing anger, and people should be able to express their gripes, I think it's part of the healing process. A lot of the people here were in environments that repressed there anger, and stifling it hurts the healing process.

But I also think my issues are so convoluted, that people don't know how to relate sometimes, as I've got issues with a lot of people and am going through a lot.

But I appreciate you saying that. Now that I screamed into my pillow today, venting vocally in my yard, and journaled a bit, and even called a crisis line, I am kind of overwhelmed, but I'm going to channel it into lifting weights and stuff for the pets soon. I'm gonna use the crisis line more often and am doing intake with my counseling in a few days, that's probably what will help most. I need a support group that doesn't gaslight me or ban me (like the ones on Reddit) and where I can express anger more. I still like the people here, but I need more space for this anger.

But also, I think, I am going to socialize online and live life, and not get stuck in it. I might come back here later, when I am more balanced. It's definitely been a helpful place in a lot of ways. I appreciate you saying that, I feel I did the right thing, but I do think I do the right thing too often, haha, I need to learn to do the wrong thing more and cut myself slack. I just want things to work around here, since I live here and the environment has been tough to live in, and with the agoraphobia, I'm isolated.

Thanks HappyChappy

[HappyChappy]

...am going through a lot.

...Now that I screamed into my pillow today ... overwhelmed, but I'm going to channel it into lifting weights and stuff for the pets soon. I'm gonna use the crisis line more often and am doing intake with my counseling in a few days, that's probably what will help most. I need a support group that doesn't gaslight me or ban me ...

... But also, I think, I am going to socialize online and live life, and not get stuck in it. I might come back here later, when I am more balanced. It's definitely been a helpful place in a lot of ways ... I need to learn to do the wrong thing more and cut myself slack ... since I live here and the environment has been tough to live in, and with the agoraphobia, I'm isolated.

Hey Narkseverywhere,

Always reach out on here - this community knows more than most that anger is a normal human emotion and totally understandable given what you've been through. I've often been angry on this forum and people didn't seem to notice (I did get cautioned for jokes about Trump though).

You seem remarkably self aware which is a really good sign you will heal. And your statements above all sound sensible and healthy ways to go (to me). Isolation doesn't help anxiety or depression, which can encourage anger. I've found this forum is very understanding.

Have you considered having your own pets ? Stroking fur and cats in particular is proven to clam people (avoid the big ones like leopards). Exercise like weight lifting too. But I guess you know all that. Stay connected to positive people (there are loads on here) it does sounds like you've got too many negative influences around currently. Your posts are fine - people don't have to read them.

Japan pioneered sound proof rooms staff and students could go into and scream.  Before that they pioneered kamikaze warriors and lost all their best people, so they needed a change. They also put pictures of the bosses on blow up dummies so staff could punch them. We use blow up dummies in a different way to relive stress in the UK, but so long as it doesn't hurt anyone. And your posts don't hurt anyone - no one is required to read them and you come across as a really nice guy. BPD can encourage us to supressed emotions, so we just need to find healthier ways to release it. (I'd recommend sarcasm, just spend a month in London and you'll be right as rain) 

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, thanks for your kind words, I have a cat and a dog and am reconnecting to the neighbor cat. I love dogs and cats, but they can only do so much. They can’t be understanding and validating or comprehend what I am going through, but I do sometimes vent to my cat.

I totally agree that people don’t need to read my posts, but I really need some support and it can be even more isolating to post a lot when it doesn’t work out for me, and the needs I am looking to get met, don’t get met at all.

The crisis lady called me really courageous and I can be, but it’s sometimes to a fault. Need to pick my fights more, for my sanity. Trying to reconnect to my interests, and socialize more online in lighter spaces, so tired of heavy stuff.

Thanks for talking to me, HappyChappy it helps.

[HappyChappy]

The crisis lady called me really courageous and I can be, but it’s sometimes to a fault. Need to pick my fights more, for my sanity. Trying to reconnect to my interests, and socialize more online in lighter spaces, so tired of heavy stuff.

The crisis lady is probably right, you are courageous. But so where JKF and Martin Luther King and they got shot. James Dean "rebel without a cause" died in his 20's so I guess you're right it is about picking your fights. I think we've both outlived them all, so we should take that as a victory given what kids of BPD parents have to battle with.

Lighter stuff sounds good. What are your pets like ? I've always had rescue cats. My favourite was a massive black and white cat that from a distance looked like a Frisian cow, he's was so timid he followed me around like a dog. 

[NarcsEverywhere]

That’s cool. I used to have my two cats walk around and follow me when I’d go for walks at my old house. One of them was a scardy cat, and crows would scare him and dive at him.

My cat is very proud, he likes to go out, but we live near a busy street, so I only let him out at certain hours. He likes to eat grass, to jump in boxes, play with string, and be a lap or bed kitty. His name is Link, my Mom named him. I love him. He’s my best friend.

My dog is diabetic, and went blind, when he was younger he loved staring at people and was full of energy. These days he likes to go outside, get some pets, bark at night and eat a lot of chicken, he’s dopey in his old age and blindness, but he’s still smart and silly. His name is Hiro.

[HappyChappy]

Your pets sound great. My Friesian cow cat liked grass and lived to around 20 so it must be good for them. He also followed me on walks, but I was told cats get lost if they wonder too far from home, so he cramped my hiking style. My kids thought the cats always came to me because I had a warm lap - but I read, they just migrate to whomever looks after them and my kids never bothered feeding them. Nice and uncomplicated (cats and kids) the opposite to a BPD who uses complicated behaviour to get you to look after them. Which in turn encourages us to overcomplicates our thinking when stressed. I'm off to uncomplicate myself by looking at silly pictures of cats on the tinternet. There are so many !

[NarcsEverywhere]

I avoid too many pictures of cats and dogs because eventually I feel too overwhelmed with emotion.

[HappyChappy]

My son gets that way with pictures of fast cars. Legend has it the poet Wordsworth once fainted due to the beauty of the English countryside. My guess is his PR guy came up with that when he released his "I wondered lonely as a cloud" poem. Maybe you're a poet or other creative in the making ?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Oh, I’ve written tons of poems, lyrics, proses and other stuff, writing is my forte. Even want to write books some day.

[HappyChappy]

Ever considered joining a writer's group ? You get them online.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Oh, no, that might be a good idea! I gotta be honest, I am not this big reader of other peoples work, besides maybe music, news, reading about knowledge, and my daily readers, not even a huge reader, but I've read more in the past. But I might need to humble myself more and try to get into that, as it might be more give and take, and less one sided. I am kind of one sided about that, and have been sensitive about my work being overly criticized, not because I don't want to improve, I often do, but because I tend to write about such sensitive topics, that having something super personal to me be heavily criticized is hard for me, since I feel like the content matters a lot, and it escapes some people, and they just wanna be critical.

Also, spending like 6 hours over like 2 weeks making a poem, and then having someone be critical of it, breaks my heart, especially when I patiently think of ideas and edit it repeatedly. But I don't want people to lie to me either. It's just sometimes I want to share the content, more than improve.

[HappyChappy]

Well I like your posts, they're honest. I'm part of an online comedy writing group and they're really positive.  Creative folk are supportive of their own kind. Go for it, what do you have to lose ? Art for Art's sake (a French proverb)  so long as you like it, it's done it's job. Why not set up a thread in "Stump the expert" I for one would love to see your poems, I'm no poet so I'm easily impressed.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey HappyChappy, I appreciate your encouragement, and I think I might consider what you're suggesting. I feel like, because I'm going through rapid changes, and put my life on hold previously, reconnecting to my normal interests/ways of doing things is the best thing for me, so I am going to delay that, but I like your idea.

Also, I get severe vulnerability hangovers, and need breaks, I might open up with my poems when I am ready. I've shared some of them, but people are unresponsive. Most of them are quite heavy, because they are surrounding my friends suicide. At least the ones I'd want to share. I'll probably post them all eventually, but it's difficult for me. I do have other writing that is more fun, but I don't feel this is the right place to share them.

Thanks for saying I am honest, I try to be, because I feel like it's the best way to operate and build genuine connections. I also feel like sometimes I reveal too many of my cards, and I open myself up too much, both to abuse, and to feeling overly vulnerable and needing to pull back.

You seem nice, and have a good attitude. I'll hit you up sometime when I am feeling more up to it.