Newbie here wondering how to take charming/stalking to a white flag truce?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here's my synopsis since it's my first post. I had no clue about attachment styles/personality disorders prior to my relationship but I am finding out this is why I was gifted this journey. Basically the same narrative of every story you encounter. Love-bombing for several months(I also did this), enmeshment, codependency, sudden break up around the holidays. The quick and dirty: I have OCD and heavy codependency traits. We went warp speed. Things changed when I started to experience grief with my parent passing and another family member dying. Then I had a surgery that would put me out of commission for a few months. My partner had the usual mind-numbing upbringing and life of despair. My ex was diagnosed Complex PTSD and anxiety but my gut says co-morbid BPD.(I know they are very similar anyways) They were in therapy at time of breakup and sent me tons of information on it through online videos/talks/etc...Tried to get me to attend therapy with them but I was so far gone juggling my hospice parent/relationship/my job/pending surgery I was just in a haze as I have never really experienced grief or my attachment trauma. My ex was a friend of the family most of our lives(ex's mom even was texting me throughout relationship) and and we reconnected so the ties run deeper then a casual encounter. Great thing is I am so much stronger and I am invested in healing myself. I entered therapy and have been trying to figure out my childhood neglect baggage, process grief, lost tons of weight, and finding myself again. I really can't pinpoint the exact reason per say but both of us had emotional regulation issues to say the least . However, I am pretty confident it was me pulling away due to my issues sparked a fear of abandonment and panic attacks in them. Soft breakup on their behalf but firm about it and I was actually relieved. Then the next day I called to apologize and make sure it was what we wanted and I was introduced to Satan for the first time and learned how I am responsible for their engulfment and the Hiroshima disaster. We then endured the fun game of push/pull, love you in morning to hate you at night, which along with the cognitive dissonance and my ignited attachment trauma sent me into a sloppy anxious mess. Got slow faded to left on READ. Then the vague posting, song lists on joint accounts, blocked calls, story watching, fake profiles, urgent care hospital call hang-ups, etc...I tried about 6-7 times over 45 or so days to reach out from memes, to check-in texts, gift buying, to sending a letter the size of "War and Peace" as I thought these were clues to rekindle. Every transaction of this push/pull I was defriended off each platform and the block/unblock game started...My family was just unfriended not blocked. The only response I got was in response to an email I sent about how the silent treatment hurts my feelings and how we can figure out how to heal and move on and set applicable boundaries...I got a response to this 4 minutes later actually for the first time since NC that said, my silence is my boundary, it's over, my reasons have not changed, I hope you can find someone to make you happy and please don't contact me again. Seeing as though this was the only boundary in the entirety of the relationship that was voiced to me I decided it would be a great idea to respect that and move on and pick up the pieces. I wrote off all my personal belongings and "things" that were still in hostage and tried to figure out what $%#& just happened, so this was the last time I contacted my ex (40 or so days post breakup). 45 days later I got a call with silence and discovered its their new number. Then charming every 2-3 weeks with intensity increasing. This cultivated into my ex trying to contact my family. (They want to stay out of it) I unfortunately did some reactive abuse and accepted one of the 9 fake social media requests I got in one day then blocked it and booted another that was watching me on another platform.(Really working on my protest behavior though and how this influences their behavior) Pretty quiet after that maybe an extinction burst because its been about 50 days since and not too much happening. That brings us to present day and a couple weird things started last week but I brushed it off. However my lovely social media algorithms just reminded me of some people I may know and who popped up (with a public profile I mind you.) I had not looked that whole time but I did get weak. No thirst traps but all visible pics were from our time together and other cryptic things.
OK, thank you for letting me ramble. I have a long way to go and feel I am getting close to being out of the F.O.G. but I am just stuck on what to do. My therapist says move and change your number. My family says have compassion we have history a long history with their family (parent abandonment since childhood and Schizophrenia, my parent with manic/bi-polar/and whatever undiagnosed) and hurt people hurt people. I am working on letting go of resentment because I feel this is a mirror of me and some unfortunate circumstances. My actions have not been empathetic they were in hindsight out of selfishness and anger. It is just hard because the push/pull of my brain and heart now pendulum back and forth on what to do. I would honestly just love to be able to stop the nonsense. This person has tried very hard to heal and beat alcoholism, finished their masters degree, and got away from their abusive ex, and has been sweet and caring to me my whole life, etc...but I know my value too and think it's their job to reach out to me at this point. I do still feel my disorders really contributed to their triggers and this drama-cycle just as much as their disorder. I am not saying they even want to be with me romantically anymore or I them but I know I would want them to be in my life in some capacity if they are up to it at some point as time heals a lot of wounds. But, that time might not be now and we may need space to heal. With all I have learned, I find there is not a lot of information on this online explaining this stage. I am not sure if this is rage at me for not listening more in the beginning and this is punishment or if its my ex trying to come around. I cannot in my heart block yet as the pain and hurt it caused me being blocked and I never have done this my whole life and what would be the point? It is not who I am. The only place I haven't been contacted is an actual text or voicemail anyways. I do fear if I block I might awaken a sleeping giant. If anyone has experience with this and how to guide them to conversate and switch this narrative to a more neutral and healthy space. I understand we are not going to discuss all this in detail but a simple let's reset and talk about political events and our ailing economy again and keep it superficial and light . I am just looking for some sort of mutual understanding and truce. Or am I not thinking clearly? I am about living in the present and feel I am getting the awareness and my emotional intelligence back. I honestly immensely care for this person and there is mutual friends, family, and kids involved. I am a great judge of people and I really feel they care about me too. If they find their life partner in the meantime I would be happy for them. I know this is a trauma bond, but I really do care about this human immensely. If we can help each other on this life's journey that would ultimately be what I have in mind. Does that mean we can't keep it civil to ease our anxiety making opening lines of communication back open or is this not how it works? I know this dynamic is awful and I am really trying to get my house in order. Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for this site!
  

[UnbalancedForce]

Here's my synopsis since it's my first post. I had no clue about attachment styles/personality disorders prior to my relationship but I am finding out this is why I was gifted this journey. Basically the same narrative of every story you encounter. Love-bombing for several months(I also did this), enmeshment, codependency, sudden break up around the holidays. The quick and dirty: I have OCD and heavy codependency traits. We went warp speed. Things changed when I started to experience grief with my parent passing and another family member dying. Then I had a surgery that would put me out of commission for a few months. My partner had the usual mind-numbing upbringing and life of despair. My ex was diagnosed Complex PTSD and anxiety but my gut says co-morbid BPD.(I know they are very similar anyways) They were in therapy at time of breakup and sent me tons of information on it through online videos/talks/etc...Tried to get me to attend therapy with them but I was so far gone juggling my hospice parent/relationship/my job/pending surgery I was just in a haze as I have never really experienced grief or my attachment trauma. My ex was a friend of the family most of our lives(ex's mom even was texting me throughout relationship) and and we reconnected so the ties run deeper then a casual encounter. Great thing is I am so much stronger and I am invested in healing myself. I entered therapy and have been trying to figure out my childhood neglect baggage, process grief, lost tons of weight, and finding myself again. I really can't pinpoint the exact reason per say but both of us had emotional regulation issues to say the least . However, I am pretty confident it was me pulling away due to my issues sparked a fear of abandonment and panic attacks in them. Soft breakup on their behalf but firm about it and I was actually relieved. Then the next day I called to apologize and make sure it was what we wanted and I was introduced to Satan for the first time and learned how I am responsible for their engulfment and the Hiroshima disaster. We then endured the fun game of push/pull, love you in morning to hate you at night, which along with the cognitive dissonance and my ignited attachment trauma sent me into a sloppy anxious mess. Got slow faded to left on READ. Then the vague posting, song lists on joint accounts, blocked calls, story watching, fake profiles, urgent care hospital call hang-ups, etc...I tried about 6-7 times over 45 or so days to reach out from memes, to check-in texts, gift buying, to sending a letter the size of "War and Peace" as I thought these were clues to rekindle. Every transaction of this push/pull I was defriended off each platform and the block/unblock game started...My family was just unfriended not blocked. The only response I got was in response to an email I sent about how the silent treatment hurts my feelings and how we can figure out how to heal and move on and set applicable boundaries...I got a response to this 4 minutes later actually for the first time since NC that said, my silence is my boundary, it's over, my reasons have not changed, I hope you can find someone to make you happy and please don't contact me again. Seeing as though this was the only boundary in the entirety of the relationship that was voiced to me I decided it would be a great idea to respect that and move on and pick up the pieces. I wrote off all my personal belongings and "things" that were still in hostage and tried to figure out what $%#& just happened, so this was the last time I contacted my ex (40 or so days post breakup). 45 days later I got a call with silence and discovered its their new number. Then charming every 2-3 weeks with intensity increasing. This cultivated into my ex trying to contact my family. (They want to stay out of it) I unfortunately did some reactive abuse and accepted one of the 9 fake social media requests I got in one day then blocked it and booted another that was watching me on another platform.(Really working on my protest behavior though and how this influences their behavior) Pretty quiet after that maybe an extinction burst because its been about 50 days since and not too much happening. That brings us to present day and a couple weird things started last week but I brushed it off. However my lovely social media algorithms just reminded me of some people I may know and who popped up (with a public profile I mind you.) I had not looked that whole time but I did get weak. No thirst traps but all visible pics were from our time together and other cryptic things.
OK, thank you for letting me ramble. I have a long way to go and feel I am getting close to being out of the F.O.G. but I am just stuck on what to do. My therapist says move and change your number. My family says have compassion we have history a long history with their family (parent abandonment since childhood and Schizophrenia, my parent with manic/bi-polar/and whatever undiagnosed) and hurt people hurt people. I am working on letting go of resentment because I feel this is a mirror of me and some unfortunate circumstances. My actions have not been empathetic they were in hindsight out of selfishness and anger. It is just hard because the push/pull of my brain and heart now pendulum back and forth on what to do. I would honestly just love to be able to stop the nonsense. This person has tried very hard to heal and beat alcoholism, finished their masters degree, and got away from their abusive ex, and has been sweet and caring to me my whole life, etc...but I know my value too and think it's their job to reach out to me at this point. I do still feel my disorders really contributed to their triggers and this drama-cycle just as much as their disorder. I am not saying they even want to be with me romantically anymore or I them but I know I would want them to be in my life in some capacity if they are up to it at some point as time heals a lot of wounds. But, that time might not be now and we may need space to heal. With all I have learned, I find there is not a lot of information on this online explaining this stage. I am not sure if this is rage at me for not listening more in the beginning and this is punishment or if its my ex trying to come around. I cannot in my heart block yet as the pain and hurt it caused me being blocked and I never have done this my whole life and what would be the point? It is not who I am. The only place I haven't been contacted is an actual text or voicemail anyways. I do fear if I block I might awaken a sleeping giant. If anyone has experience with this and how to guide them to conversate and switch this narrative to a more neutral and healthy space. I understand we are not going to discuss all this in detail but a simple let's reset and talk about political events and our ailing economy again and keep it superficial and light . I am just looking for some sort of mutual understanding and truce. Or am I not thinking clearly? I am about living in the present and feel I am getting the awareness and my emotional intelligence back. I honestly immensely care for this person and there is mutual friends, family, and kids involved. I am a great judge of people and I really feel they care about me too. If they find their life partner in the meantime I would be happy for them. I know this is a trauma bond, but I really do care about this human immensely. If we can help each other on this life's journey that would ultimately be what I have in mind. Does that mean we can't keep it civil to ease our anxiety making opening lines of communication back open or is this not how it works? I know this dynamic is awful and I am really trying to get my house in order. Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for this site!
  

[ForeverDad]

Typically it is best to keep ended an ended BPD relationship.  If you need closure, then Closure is something to Gift Yourself, you're unlikely to get it from a person with BPD (pwBPD).

If there are mutual friends or relatives, that does complicate things but can be manageable as long as you keep the pwBPD at a distance and contact minimal.  You will have to determine what those boundaries will have to be.  Understand that pwBPD are known boundary pushers so expect your boundaries to be tested, often repeatedly.  Get too close, either physically or emotionally, and then all the old problems will resurface.

[UnbalancedForce]

Thank you for you insight. It is appreciated.

[livednlearned]

I regret not learning about attachment styles and personality disorders and codependence until I had really blown myself up. So it's great you found that information and are using it to help see what happened, what's you, what's your ex, etc.

Hopefully, what you've learned will keep you grounded and steady if this relationship becomes a friendship.

I found it took a lot of bricks on my head before I got the deep lessons, and even then it still takes a lot of effort and backsliding, plus time to recover, to have relationships with people who have PD traits.

My tendency is to think I know what's going on, only to learn I didn't have the full picture. I love to walk into a buzz saw with my eyes open 

Only advice I can think of is to pay attention to your body. Learn how you feel when you're calm and rested. Learn what it feels like when you're agitated or flustered or zoning out, whatever.

I try to use my body like a canary and listen -- really listen -- to what's happening. It's often smarter than my head.

What I think about a relationship is not nearly as helpful as paying attention to what my body is doing. I try to match those sensations with feelings and label them. That's how I know when it's best to end a conversation, or assert boundaries in a relationships.

The best thing I did between my BPDx and current healthy relationship was to practice this in lower-risk situations. That, plus asserting boundaries without even verbally mentioning them.

I'm still a work in progress but at least there's more of the healthier behaviors and less of the ones that got me into a catastrophic relationship.

Your mind may make excuses for why it's ok to be friends with this person again, or at least be in contact. You may find yourself slowly sliding back in, to learn whatever you didn't quite learn again. It happens. But make it a genuine learning experience, where your body gets to communicate things that might otherwise be ignored.

Many of us here tend to have histories where we were woefully ignorant how we felt so experiencing those sensations and labeling them in the body can help with that.

[UnbalancedForce]

This is great advice. Thank you. I do think too much with my head and don't see the warning signs from my body. This is new to me your right. I'm going to meditate on what you said about being in contact. I definitely still care about them deeply and the charming does keep the intermittent reinforcement going with the dopamine hit to the brain. I say to myself it doesn't bother me but it could be just because I had so much cognitive dissonance a few months ago. Thanks again!

[livednlearned]

I definitely still care about them deeply and the charming does keep the intermittent reinforcement going with the dopamine hit to the brain.

Really great you know this about yourself.

Maybe another thing worth paying attention to is that dopamine, then moving in the opposite direction. Or naming it.

Not one of the dysfunctional relationships I took for a second and third spin worked out, including two that surfaced over a decade later. The same issues reappeared, they were there all along but the dopamine effect made it hard to see. We were "wiser, smarter," we had learned, gone through therapy, grown up, could admit things about ourselves, blah blah blah.

I think the chemistry of the first go-around kind of regresses people back to that state. Some things may improve, and you may be different people, but that doesn't mean you should get back together.

One of those relationships wanted to remain friends but he was needy and manipulative, somatic and had weak boundaries. He made inappropriate sexual innuendos when I was in a new relationship after asking him to stop.

Sometimes I think a sign that you're really healed is when you can make attempts to repair and recover, hold boundaries, do all the right things and if the person is unwilling to respect you, then it's time to move on. I don't block people so much as I wait to see if they can behave in ways that suggest they've heard what I said.

[ForeverDad]

Janna MacGregor, author of "Wild, Wild Rake", chapter 16
Overthinking a situation is highly overestimated. It takes away all the fun. — personal observations of Devan Farris (the novel's leading man)

Logic alone cannot address our dilemmas.  Be willing to examine your circumstances from various angles and ponder multiple approaches.  And there is no single answer to resolve our problems.  Looking for one answer for the multitude of scenarios described here is a fool's errand.  Of course, some strategies have been known to work better than others and they have been shared here.  Determine what may work for you and even if it fails, count it as a lesson learned and keep trying.

[UnbalancedForce]

Thank you both for your input. I value both of your opinions. I took two attachment personality tests today and I was surprisingly secure again and not anxious off the charts. I am seeing that valuing myself and my health vs. my partner is the first step in this process. No matter what way I go when the situation arises I know having my mind clear and with all this knowledge will guide me in the right direction.