What happened ? Did I help cause this ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,
 
I am recently out of a relationship with someone that may have BPD I need your help. We used to work with each other and she was married at the time. She has always been a flirt at work talking about sex and how she would hate -bang these guys and hate bang him this guys hot she would always talk about sex and listen to podcasts on sex. At a Xmas party she comes up to me saying do you want to date me or bang me i said you are married. The next year we started seeing each other even though she is married (I know it’s wrong) I am 7 years older than her and it was fun and exciting and she bought a house with him and in one month sold it to be with me. The sex was nothing like I have ever experienced before the love bombing phase and the attention was unreal and i thrived off of it.

Fast forward a couple months I found out how she treated her ex husband, like crap. She walked all over him and she went behind his back obviously numerous time so I said to myself I’m not gonna let this be me so I was firm, maintained the alpha role and did not let her have the control that she used to have. I worked a lot because I am 7 years older than her and was saving for a house so my future wife and kids would be set because I did not have much growing up. This was always an argument, although I made time it bothered her saying we don’t do anything I’m tired of staying home. I bought tickets to sporting events and concerts and going out to dinner often was still not enough. If I did not plan something she would get furious and bash me saying you don’t care about me why can’t you do something why do I always have to plan everything, I didn’t think it was a big deal and could be compromised like most relationships.

She wanted to go away very soon and the relationship felt very rushed considering she was technically still married and moved back to her parents house. It became physical at one point of my own doing because of all the bickering and constant nagging, she could never see it from my eyes and always said I hate being wrong. When I brought it up to her she hated it. I also used to psychoanalyze her saying you used to thrive off that power with your ex husband and you loved it and she didn’t know what to say because she knew I was right. Fast forward a couple of months we are trying to work on things and out of no where she says do better for the next girl we were still arguing and I went to a new business and worked m-f 6:30-3 then went to the gym after she always wanted to spend more time with me and we continued having sex, it was honestly the best portion of the relationship.

Continuing on the same point she blocks me and I don’t hear from her until a couple of months later. She messages me saying don’t come back to work you’re a POS I have proof I’m saving your ass and we end up banging that night. She tells me she had to bang someone else to get over me. That hurt very badly and she asked if I was talking to someone and I said I was but she ghosted me she goes what makes me so bad ? She was cooking meals for this new guy and was willing to go to the hospital when he was in it to help him a week after we broke up? I don’t make sense of it. We had one argument and she told me that people can’t know we are together because of what happened.

Although I don’t condone my actions I have never done that before but she manipulated  and verbal abused me over nonsense was unbelievable. Valentine’s Day comes around and at this point I am trying to be kinder soft spoken more affectionate and I have her a vase with flowers a card 50 dollar gift card balloons all in all about 225 dollars. I only received a card saying I love you and always will hopefully we can work on things to be with each other. A couple days later she picks an argument on purpose and says you did all that and rubbed my feet woopty doo couldn’t make me a dinner reservation? This was her way out. She monkey branched the first time to the gym guy and that didn’t work out she comes back to me this time and sure enough breaks it off with me. I call her a month later and she goes I’m seeing someone he treats me like gold and like a princess this is how it’s supposed to be. She proceeds to FaceTime me telling me how bad she wishes it was me and how much she loves me and wants to ride me and all this nonsense. She shows me every crack and hole she has when she actively told me she’s seeing someone. She told me she loves me and the sex with me is so much better than it is with him and she would do anything to come over one last time. I text her the next day apologizing and say is there any way we can work on things ? She was so cruel saying you messed up im sorry I need to move on you’re delusional and belittling me. She eventually blocks me and now is seeing a kid I used to work with all over social media.

Can someone please help me ? She has cheated on every person she has been with her ex husband, myself, and this new guy. I can’t sleep or eat the painful fact I let possibly the best thing go from my life because of a bad night hurts to the core. Will this new guy get a better version of her ? I am so confused.

[Alchemist45]

Hello everyone,
 
I am recently out of a relationship with someone that may have BPD I need your help. We used to work with each other and she was married at the time. She has always been a flirt at work talking about sex and how she would hate -bang these guys and hate bang him this guys hot she would always talk about sex and listen to podcasts on sex. At a Xmas party she comes up to me saying do you want to date me or bang me i said you are married. The next year we started seeing each other even though she is married (I know it’s wrong) I am 7 years older than her and it was fun and exciting and she bought a house with him and in one month sold it to be with me. The sex was nothing like I have ever experienced before the love bombing phase and the attention was unreal and i thrived off of it.

Fast forward a couple months I found out how she treated her ex husband, like crap. She walked all over him and she went behind his back obviously numerous time so I said to myself I’m not gonna let this be me so I was firm, maintained the alpha role and did not let her have the control that she used to have. I worked a lot because I am 7 years older than her and was saving for a house so my future wife and kids would be set because I did not have much growing up. This was always an argument, although I made time it bothered her saying we don’t do anything I’m tired of staying home. I bought tickets to sporting events and concerts and going out to dinner often was still not enough. If I did not plan something she would get furious and bash me saying you don’t care about me why can’t you do something why do I always have to plan everything, I didn’t think it was a big deal and could be compromised like most relationships.

She wanted to go away very soon and the relationship felt very rushed considering she was technically still married and moved back to her parents house. It became physical at one point of my own doing because of all the bickering and constant nagging, she could never see it from my eyes and always said I hate being wrong. When I brought it up to her she hated it. I also used to psychoanalyze her saying you used to thrive off that power with your ex husband and you loved it and she didn’t know what to say because she knew I was right. Fast forward a couple of months we are trying to work on things and out of no where she says do better for the next girl we were still arguing and I went to a new business and worked m-f 6:30-3 then went to the gym after she always wanted to spend more time with me and we continued having sex, it was honestly the best portion of the relationship.

Continuing on the same point she blocks me and I don’t hear from her until a couple of months later. She messages me saying don’t come back to work you’re a POS I have proof I’m saving your ass and we end up banging that night. She tells me she had to bang someone else to get over me. That hurt very badly and she asked if I was talking to someone and I said I was but she ghosted me she goes what makes me so bad ? She was cooking meals for this new guy and was willing to go to the hospital when he was in it to help him a week after we broke up? I don’t make sense of it. We had one argument and she told me that people can’t know we are together because of what happened.

Although I don’t condone my actions I have never done that before but she manipulated  and verbal abused me over nonsense was unbelievable. Valentine’s Day comes around and at this point I am trying to be kinder soft spoken more affectionate and I have her a vase with flowers a card 50 dollar gift card balloons all in all about 225 dollars. I only received a card saying I love you and always will hopefully we can work on things to be with each other. A couple days later she picks an argument on purpose and says you did all that and rubbed my feet woopty doo couldn’t make me a dinner reservation? This was her way out. She monkey branched the first time to the gym guy and that didn’t work out she comes back to me this time and sure enough breaks it off with me. I call her a month later and she goes I’m seeing someone he treats me like gold and like a princess this is how it’s supposed to be. She proceeds to FaceTime me telling me how bad she wishes it was me and how much she loves me and wants to ride me and all this nonsense. She shows me every crack and hole she has when she actively told me she’s seeing someone. She told me she loves me and the sex with me is so much better than it is with him and she would do anything to come over one last time. I text her the next day apologizing and say is there any way we can work on things ? She was so cruel saying you messed up im sorry I need to move on you’re delusional and belittling me. She eventually blocks me and now is seeing a kid I used to work with all over social media.

Can someone please help me ? She has cheated on every person she has been with her ex husband, myself, and this new guy. I can’t sleep or eat the painful fact I let possibly the best thing go from my life because of a bad night hurts to the core. Will this new guy get a better version of her ? I am so confused.

[ConflictedWalrus]

Other, more qualified folks will probably be along to answer shortly. For now, just know that you are not alone.

Here’s what else I see…


She has cheated on every person she has been with her ex husband, myself, and this new guy.

And she will cheat on the next, and the next, and the next. She will also keep them in limbo for months, just like she did with you.


I can’t sleep or eat the painful fact I let possibly the best thing go from my life because of a bad night hurts to the core.

Let’s not conflate great sex and addictive r/s dynamics with “the best thing”. The intensity of a BPD partner is addicting. The pain you are experiencing is a normal symptom of withdrawals.

Her leaving is not your fault — as much as you want to tie it to something you did, it is almost certain she would have found a reason eventually, regardless of what you did or didn’t do (look to her past and current r/s volatility as evidence of this).. It is your blessing because you now have the chance to steer clear and avoid being brought back in for further anguish.


Will this new guy get a better version of her ? I am so confused.

It sucks, but she is living off of a script. He (and all the future others) will get exactly the same version of her that you got, with minor tweaks to accommodate mirroring.

[EZEarache]

Alchemist 45, this sounds like a really bizarre adventure you've been on. I'm sorry that you have had to experience the pain you are in right now.


I think you need to do some soul searching here. This will help you to find the right path forward. For example:

Other than the great sex, what made you feel good in this relationship?

If she came crawling back to you, is the pain you are feeling now, worth feeling again in the future?

You say you never dated a married person before, but were there any similarities in the dynamics with this relationship and other past relationships? Are you falling into a behavior pattern? For example, many of us here tend to have patterns of co-dependency.

You might want to reach out to a trained professional to talk about what you are experiencing in real time.

[Alchemist45]

I am co dependent to a certain extent. I have been single for years and months in the past. I wanted to see her mask come off I guess to some extent. She treated her ex husband like garbage in which she cheated on him with me she would hook up with guys talk about sex so as soon as I put boundaries down and voiced an opinion that’s when the trouble started. Everything I said was wrong, I didn’t do enough, couldn’t make plans, we don’t go out I’m tired of staring at your 4 walls. I always explained relationships are not fairy tales they are hard work.

I just cannot believe the extent someone would go at the end of a discard and how she projected at the end saying I cheated I am a loser no one likes me and she has to talk about the other guy like he was a king and how he told her he sees a a future with her.

Was I the nicest individual to her ? Absolutely not. You ghosted me and told me after you charmed back you had to bang someone to get over me ? Who says that ?

Also, continuing on the notion of the other guy and how he’s so wonderful but doesn’t please you in the bedroom like I did so showing me your body through the phone is appropriate and the next day said that was a bad idea. It baffles me how a breakup and discard really show you how a person is.

She did not care since she monkey branched and lied to the kid that I wasn’t seeing her. Why did the nice guy ex husband and myself the “alpha” had to see this side of her ?

She will look like a fool of it doesn’t last since it’s all over social media. I sure do hope he gets to see the manipulative arrogant evil person she was at the end.

My therapist told me I dodged a bullet. It’s hard to see if with clear glasses on but for someone to be able to move on that quick was a knife to the heart and to feel used to badly when I should have known I was a placeholder for the next guy she actually wanted is so cruel.

I am no saint but no one deserves that emotional torture. Correct me if I’m wrong everyone but my therapist said they don’t change .. but what if they do for the right person? Their mask never falls off and she is able to be submissive.

I will take myself as a failure if they last (everyone said they won’t including my therapists) but let’s just say they do what didn’t I possess to make this work. Moved on like I was an absolute stranger UNREAL.

[Pook075]

Correct me if I’m wrong everyone but my therapist said they don’t change .. but what if they do for the right person?

Hi friend, and welcome to the forums.  Thank you for posting and sharing.  We realize you're in a world of hurt right now because we've all been there and we all said the same things- he's/she's crazy, but surely I could have done something to "fix him/her."  What we learn in time is that there's very little you could have done differently and even then, it still would have blown up in your face eventually.  This is not your fault.

What can you do to heal from this?  Move on and focus on yourself, your work, and your hobbies.  Get in shape, hang out with friends, take a vacation, and maybe start dating again. 

She will reach out to you again...and again...and again...as long as you let the broken, dysfunctional cycle continue.  Each time, she'll blame you and project her problems onto you, because that feels more comfortable to her than accepting that she needs to look inward and get some help.  You must break that cycle, and you can use the tools on this site to strengthen your communications with her.

To answer your question directly...what if you're the right person?  You're not, because the right person doesn't exist.  The right person would be perfect at all times to meet her ever-changing needs, they'd never judge her on her BS and they'd never express their own emotions or point out being hurt by her actions. 

I'll say it again, this is not your fault other than you picked the wrong person to fall for.  I'm very sorry you're hurting and everyone here is happy to listen and help however we can.

[Alchemist45]

I cannot express how much that means to me. Although I don’t condone my actions for me being physical that night I’m sure that did not help. I was at a breaking point her constantly yelling at me talking down to me telling me all these negative things and I snapped.

It was truly the devalue stage I never thought I would get to that point in my life or have someone break me that badly. Nothing I did or said was taken well. The dinners I paid for the trying to spend  quality time and be intimate wasn’t enough as she stated only when it was convenient for you. When do I win ?

I just don’t understand how you block me and a week later cook meals for another man and are willing to help him in the hospital
When you literally just had a boyfriend the week prior.

For her to come back again in January because her “supply”didn’t work out and he had a girlfriend I really thought she loved me and wanted to work on things. I was willing to go to therapy.  I tried to be more affectionate more caring more lovey dovey only to be ridiculed for the gifts I gave her on Valentine’s Day and I didn’t make a dinner reservation. What an easy way out.

No, she monkey branched again so she cheated on me twice so in  her eyes I deserved this for that one night and not meeting up to her standards about going out all the time and going to the bars and going on trips as she stated it’s always about you it’s always about you, you are so selfish.

To be used as a place holder for another man who does treat her better for the time being hurts. She got away with treating her ex husband like crap and I was  the complete opposite.

To be able to belittle me make fun of me talk about the new man then cheat on him by showing me intimate photos makes zero sense then to call me delusional because I asked for closure. It could have been amicable but she didn’t want that.

Now I had to hear from her how happy she is and how she sees a future with him and he does everything right. Not sure what everyone thinks since I am new to this BPD field but do they ever change? My therapist said imagine being married to her like her ex husband and putting up with this. You would have been cheated on if you didn’t meet her needs constantly and bowed down to her every need.

I’m just still at a loss of words how someone can say they love you be intimate with you then in the same week ghost you like you didn’t even exist only to find out they have been cheating on you for a new person.

If I have to hear about her moving in with him or getting married I will be crushed. I should have been a better man.

[Pook075]

I cannot express how much that means to me. Although I don’t condone my actions for me being physical that night I’m sure that did not help. I was at a breaking point her constantly yelling at me talking down to me telling me all these negative things and I snapped.

Again, the right person for you wouldn't do those things, wouldn't belittle you or make you feel like crap.  We've all been there- the sex is great and that initial honeymoon phase is amazing.  They're ultra loving, caring, and pretty much perfect.  But what they're doing, they're mirroring us without even realizing it and whatever we love, they love.  They become the perfect partner until that initial phase ends.

Your ex is in that phase right now with the other guy, and everything "seems" perfect.  Ask her again in 30-60 days how perfect he is, you'll get a very different answer.  I'm saying that time period because as soon as she realizes that he's not the most amazing man in the world, she'll be calling you or other ex's seeking validation elsewhere.  This cycle repeats throughout their lives- bliss, concern, paranoia, and discard.  It's a path of destruction for everyone involved.

Think about it- her marriage was rocky and she jumped ship with you.  At the first sign of trouble, she's with someone else.  It will happen over and over and over again until she seeks help to work through her instability and fear of rejection.

I was married for 24 years and your story is the exact same as mine.  Almost ten months ago, I left early one morning without saying goodbye...because she was cold and distant for weeks before that.  That one decision, that one moment where I didn't want to talk to her, ended our marriage.  Afterwards, there was no talking it out.  There was no counseling.  She just decided it was over, she moved out, and she began pursuing someone else. 

Ten months later, she still gets extreme anxiety and migraines if I try to reach out...not because I'm a bad person, but because she can't process what she destroyed and threw away.  She's filled with guilt, sadness, and rage, and can't talk it out with me because it would be admitting that something is actually wrong with how she processes feelings.  Our doc diagnosed BPD but she refuses to accept that.

Could I have done something differently?  Sure, I could have ignored how much her behavior hurt me and catered to her ego that morning.  I could have been loving and affectionate, even though she had given me the silent treatment for weeks because she was so unstable.  I could have done all kinds of things, but the problem is that I'm human and I have feelings too.  My feelings do matter, just like yours do.  And we both deserve to be loved by the person we're loving.

Did you make mistakes?  If you're human, the answer is yes.  You certainly didn't make relationship ending mistakes though.  The best thing you can do right now is to accept that and start focusing on yourself, what you need in life to feel fulfilled.  For me, that's going to church, spending time with my family, and getting in some exercise.  That's what "healed me" from this impossible situation and allowed me to see it for what it was.  

Hopefully you can do the same sometime soon, even if it's baby steps.  I'm rooting for you brother.

[Alchemist45]

Thank you for that kind message. Like many of you the initial love bombing and sex phase was so intense and the admiration and affection I received was out of this world to say the least.

As time progressed, when I set boundaries I don’t know if any of you did but I knew her past behavior and refused to be a victim of that and that is when the ship was heading towards the iceberg.

Counseling and therapy is not doing much at the moment and I am going twice a week. With my line of work it’s extremely difficult to put on a happy face and be as helpful as I can when working. It’s all I think about.

I truly don’t know how these individuals are able to move on so quickly like you were an object. She gets to live her best life blame me for everything including that physical fight I can’t seem to get past and be in bed with the next guy showering him with love and admiration. Was I difficult ? Of course I was. Was I the most sincere and affectionate boyfriend ? Not by a long shot. I had clear goals of buying a house and working towards being financially set for the future.

I know in time this too shall pass but this is unlike any other breakup I have had in the past. I’m sure you all can agree and attest to this.

[Pook075]

I know in time this too shall pass but this is unlike any other breakup I have had in the past. I’m sure you all can agree and attest to this.

Sure, it makes no sense at all- it defies logic.  But that's because people with BPD aren't driven by logic, they rely on emotions in the moment to make decisions...even when they know those decisions will bring them pain and suffering.  It's a sickness that they can't control and they're not trying to be mean or hateful, it's just that strong of a defense mechanism because they have so little self worth.

The effects for us?  Devastating to the core for sure.  But you will heal in time and you will be able to move on.  Just go at your own pace and focus on yourself, you'll get there.

[Alchemist45]

So how could you honestly trust someone like this in a long term relationship ? My ex blamed me for everything we didn’t do enough and now she’s going away with this new guy to PR telling people at work all the restaurants they are going to try. Always has so seek attention and validation. Guess these are things I should have done. Her actions are behind logic, I know she’s a cheater and the reasoning and evidence is there but no sympathy no remorse and she gets to walk away and live happy

Irks me to my core. Took a breakup and the discard twice for her to show her true colors. I hope he sees soon what I saw. That’s all I can say. If she doesn’t, it makes me think I’m crazy and maybe I brought this out of her.

[Pook075]

So how could you honestly trust someone like this in a long term relationship ? My ex blamed me for everything we didn’t do enough and now she’s going away with this new guy to PR telling people at work all the restaurants they are going to try. Always has so seek attention and validation. Guess these are things I should have done. Her actions are behind logic, I know she’s a cheater and the reasoning and evidence is there but no sympathy no remorse and she gets to walk away and live happy

Irks me to my core. Took a breakup and the discard twice for her to show her true colors. I hope he sees soon what I saw. That’s all I can say. If she doesn’t, it makes me think I’m crazy and maybe I brought this out of her.

Anger is certainly a part of this process- I hit that at maybe the 3 month mark?  My feelings changed from "I should have done more" to "wait a second, she was terrible to me".  It's like a light switch went off and I was onto the next phase.  So be angry, it's part of the healing process and helps you move on from that relationship.

Eventually, you'll reach acceptance and think, "She's sick and needs help, a lot of this is outside her control."  As I said earlier, she's not trying to be a tornado that rips through everything in her path...it just happens because of her unstable emotions.  Some people get there after several months, others take years to fully realize that they weren't the bad guy with a BPD partner.  But you will get there brother and you will move on to something better.

[Alchemist45]

Yes I have to come to accept the fact that she has moved on and is happy. It hurts, I messed up numerous times but I guess I couldn’t trust her fully after she left her husband for me. Her attachment style is extraordinary. She broke up with me the first time to literally cook meals and take care of another man in the hospital she told me. The man was lying about being in the hospital but it’s absolutely crazy how you had a bf 2 weeks prior and are able to take care of another man like that.

I keep replaying the what ifs over and over again. Always an argument, she could never back down and neither could I. Could never say sorry, we don’t do anything we don’t do enough. My goals of buying a house was a lot for her I guess and me working a lot of OT played a part in that.

The discard not once but twice and the monkey branching is the most painful piece to this whole equation. I have NEVER had a girl to that to me. I never had a girl talk about another man to me on the phone and tell me how amazing he is and how much he does for her only to be manipulative and show me her body. I should have known when I was the one she left her husband for she had zero empathy and she left me for someone else came back because it didn’t work out only to be used as a place holder for something better to come along.

This will hurt because I have a strong feeling she loves this new man going away on trips and all things I didn’t want to do because of different mindsets. Hurts also to know they will most likely move in together soon and take it from there.

[Pook075]

This will hurt because I have a strong feeling she loves this new man going away on trips and all things I didn’t want to do because of different mindsets. Hurts also to know they will most likely move in together soon and take it from there.

Nope, they won't.  Or maybe they get a place together before her internal time-bomb goes off.  If it's BPD, there's no "forever and ever" in the forecast without therapy and lots of self discovery.  It's almost impossible unless the other person will simply accept endless abuse and pain.

Stay strong, my friend, and you will get through this.

[Alchemist45]

I have been doing more reflecting and just accepting the situation. Although I am upset because she  monkey branched and took zero accountability for her actions, she is happy. I heard she is obsessed with this new guy. I am doing better. 

My therapist was talking to me about the inner child and I brought up the scenario that my ex said during the discard.

My ex stated about the new guy, “do you think he means everything he says” “he told me he sees a future with me” I’m so happy, I’m so happy, I’m so happy” this was less than 3 weeks after we broke up.

Was like a knife through my heart that I felt I had to console a 26 year old female ex girlfriend talk about another guy but also felt like a parent making sure they are making the right decision. I felt as though in that moment she intended to hurt me maybe not subconsciously but she’s so deeply hurt and scared to be alone. I felt as though I was talking to a 12 year old girl and I was her father.

It was strange to say the least and I was taken back by it. Any insight ?

[Pook075]

I have been doing more reflecting and just accepting the situation. Although I am upset because she  monkey branched and took zero accountability for her actions, she is happy. I heard she is obsessed with this new guy. I am doing better. 

My therapist was talking to me about the inner child and I brought up the scenario that my ex said during the discard.

My ex stated about the new guy, “do you think he means everything he says” “he told me he sees a future with me” I’m so happy, I’m so happy, I’m so happy” this was less than 3 weeks after we broke up.

Was like a knife through my heart that I felt I had to console a 26 year old female ex girlfriend talk about another guy but also felt like a parent making sure they are making the right decision. I felt as though in that moment she intended to hurt me maybe not subconsciously but she’s so deeply hurt and scared to be alone. I felt as though I was talking to a 12 year old girl and I was her father.

It was strange to say the least and I was taken back by it. Any insight ?

I'm so sorry, I've been out of town for the last few weeks.  Something you'll realize in time is that everything someone with BPD says is true to them in the moment.  However, how they feel is purely based on emotion so you can get two completely different answers a few minutes apart when they're unstable.

For your situation, I'm sure she felt in that moment like life would be wonderful with that new guy.  She's in the honeymoon phase- which is the exact opposite of the discard stage.  With you, everything was seen as hurt or rejection...even if that wasn't your intentions.  She sees the exact opposite with the new guy, everything is perfect, he's perfect, he's wonderful. 

Only, he's human just like you and me.  Eventually she'll realize that and lash out at him for not being perfect, for changing and not loving her the same way.  Once the honeymoon phase ends with someone that's dysregulated, the other stages come quickly and brutally.  That's because the person w/ BPD can't realize they made an error in judgement, it's always someone else that is wrong. 

And it's why I told you that her new "perfect" relationship will explode within the next few months.  That's not my "guess", that's what all of us here have seen thousands of times over and over again.  You start a relationship while unstable, and it ends in destruction for everyone involved.  Maybe it lasts 3 months or 6 months, but the odds are against it.

I'll repeat what I told you in my 1st reply- this is not a "you problem".  You did nothing wrong.  She will self-destruct in every relationship and blame the other person until she gets help.  My ex may be single the rest of her life because she's convinced all men are evil, manipulative people...even though her entire family tells her that I was a loving, caring guy who spoiled her. 

It took me about 6 or 7 months to fully accept that it wasn't my fault, and I hope you realize that much sooner than I did.  Because as long as you're searching for what you can do differently, you're punishing yourself over absolutely nothing.  The problem is her- always was and always will be.

[capecodling]

to the original poster: it sounds like you are trying to understand her behavior through the perspective of how a logical person would look at things, but as others have pointed out on here, most of her behavior comes from extreme emotions, and terror of abandonment. Therefore, her behavior can’t really be understood from a place of calmer logic. Most of it is basic self preservation, she is in extreme pain and is trying to constantly find a way to stop the pain. BPD partners do this in a variety of ways, including some clever manipulations, which cause you to take on a lot of that pain and stress for them.

As others have pointed out, it is very likely her new relationships will self-destruct. Some BPDs, like my ex, for example, was with the same guy for seven years before me.  Their relationship looked perfect on social media and so on,, but while she was a crazy-making BPD, he was also a Narcissist, who was abusive, never at home, cheating on her constantly, so there are some dysfunctional, mentally, unwell people who can last a long time with the BPD, but believe me, the relationship will be hell if it lasts for a long time with the guy she goes on with after you

This whole story, everything you have said, reminds me so mj n of my relationship with my ex BPD.

[Alchemist45]

Hey everyone I am getting better by going to therapy twice a week and i understand my role in the relationship being toxic.

I am aggressive and I become triggered easily as well if my partner does not make me feel wanted as well.

Dating these days I must admit is extremely rough. I feel as though everyone is always looking for the better deal or better option. I know there is my co dependency that my ex brought to the surface and I myself have abandonment issues.

My therapist keeps telling me when two unstable people get together it creates an atomic bomb. He is right.

Being in my line of work I think I have to recognize to stop DATING FEMALE POLICE OFFICERS. They all have an alpha attitude and underlying issues.

I must admit I am happy for my ex though even though I don’t like her for the way she handled it if you read my previous posts she is happy for the time being. Happy long term ? Not so sure. Every relationship has arguments and she always told me the wants the relationship her parents have. Her father walks the ground her mother walks on. I always explained to her this is not the 1950s. Relationships are hard work.

I am no saint for what I did being physical and verbally abusive but I don’t think I had ANYONE trigger me so much.

I have to start looking for the red flags early on and be willing to walk away. It should have been a good time and THATS IT.

She did try in that relationship but as soon as I expressed my opinions and concerns about her actions.

Snapchat posts about other men at work
Talking about other men and how good looking they are (IM ALLOWED TO THINK THIS WAY)
Getting rides behind my back without telling me from men from work
I always brought up her sexual stories she said when she was married (it irked me to the core) felt like an OPTION.

Never took accountability, never said sorry, downplayed my emotions until one day I snapped.

I hope the new man doesn’t trigger her but I can’t help to feel I was the only one who triggered her and held the mirror up to her face and she hated it.

Them walking into the sunset happy my therapist said did you want to be a doormat ? Look at her actions. As soon as she’s not happy she BLOCKS GHOSTS AND NO CLOSURE. Onto the next man. Typical BPD behavior.

I never want to experience this again. I have so much work to do on myself that I want to be the partner I always envisioned. Should I have been there more ? Yes should I have learned to communicate more effectively? Yes I let my emotions get the best of me.

The thought of her discard haunts me to this day because there’s no logical reasoning behind it. My therapist(s) said that’s not normal behavior.

Day by day. That’s all I can do. Work on myself and be better. I have a feeling though the intensity is what I miss and the sex the most. Everything else will be boring and bland.

[Collaguazo]

Can someone please help me ? She has cheated on every person she has been with her ex husband, myself, and this new guy. I can’t sleep or eat the painful fact I let possibly the best thing go from my life because of a bad night hurts to the core. Will this new guy get a better version of her ? I am so confused.

Hi Alchemist45,

At the beginning of the relationship the sex can be great but eventually is just another form of manipulation and control, with no real intimacy. Don’t beat yourself up because of your mistakes, sooner or later her expectations are impossible to meet, no matter how hard you try.

And I wouldn’t worry about her “better” version. This is just my opinion based on my experience but I think each subsequent partner gets a slightly worse more wounded version. They don’t know how to manage their emotions so they just keep accumulating.

With my ex, I certainly felt that I also paid for the mistakes of her previous partners because she carried some much anger and suffering that the defense mechanisms would be much stronger in response.