Abusive step-mum with BPD has taken my little sister and filed for divorce

[Cylecat]

 

The situation
My (17) abusive stepmum (39), who I have lived with for the past eight years, has just gone to the police and falsely accused my dad (49) of physically assaulting her and intimidating her.This occurred about three weeks after a fight occurred between my stepmum and my biological brother (25) after brother heard her abusing me. My brother and I were kicked out of the home the day the incident occurred, and we relocated to my uncle's house. My dad works overseas most of the time, but after hearing about the incident, he quickly booked a ticket and returned to fix the situation. Everything was going well until she randomly went to the police one night and made a false accusation. We know she was lying as the day she said the incident occurred, my dad wasn’t with her but instead was at my uncle’s home. She also took my half-sister (4) and step-brother (19) with her to the police station and sent divorce papers to my dad the following day. My dad got a restraining order put against him, and we do not know the whereabouts of little sister.

FYI:
Stepmum is not officially diagnosed with BPD, but our whole family (including her biological son) fully believes she has BPD. We believe she has BPD specifically the petulant type, as she portrays all the symptoms and behaviors of the disorder. For example, she is very physically and emotionally abusive, she has expressed having suicidal thoughts, she is very sensitive and easily offended, she is controlling, she is jealous and constantly paranoid, and even when she is happy, it doesn't last long it's like she is looking for something to get angry at. We have all told her multiple times to see a psychologist and psychiatrist, but she refuses to do anything about it. 

Backstory
Stepmum was introduced to my life when I was about nine years old, and she essentially overtook the role of a mother as I don't have any contact with my biological mom. So far, living with her has been absolute hell. I have been beaten more times than I can count. She has degraded and insulted me with every word under the sun. She has played almost every mind game with me. She has repeatedly broken my belongings, such as phones and laptops, and completely ruined my room. Nearly every day, I would be terrified to head home after school and just be in the same space as her. I would cry every night and just hope the day I can leave will come. Throughout all this, I told nobody, not my friends, not my dad, absolutely no one, for a couple of reasons. The main reason was that I didn't want a conflict because of me, especially after my stepmum told me multiple times that I would be the reason for their divorce. My dad was working overseas for an extensive period of time and was not aware of this. Dad only found out after the fight between stepmum and brother. I was so mentally exhausted at that point, and I saw that I could say something without causing complications, as a fight had already happened. The abuse had very devastating impacts on my mental health. For the past three years, I have been really depressed and lonely, and I practically became a shell of myself. My anxiety is always over the roof, and I've completely shut down. I have just begun seeing a therapist after my dad heard what happened. My therapist believes that I have C-PTSD. I am not the only person stepmum has completely ruined; she did the same thing to my step-brother since he was 4/5 years old. He was also mentally destroyed by her actions and even ended up developing an addiction to inhalants because of his depression. He has a few learning disabilities and struggles to do day-to-day activities, which his mom caused, and she now constantly yells and degrades him for it.

Main concern
Considering all of this backstory, I'm incredibly concerned for my half-sister. I have so much love for her, and she was the main reason why I didn't want a divorce to happen in the first place. Unfortunately, stepmum has already begun physically abusing my sister by hitting and swearing at her. My stepbrother and I have spoken to stepmum multiple times about why her actions are wrong. She told us that younger sister was "disrespecting" her and that we shouldn't tell her what to do because she knows how to parent. I mean, how ridiculous is that? WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY DISRESPECT? SHE'S ONLY 4! I can see my little sister has already begun to be affected by her mom's abuse. She constantly says, "Mummy's angry" even when stepmum is not, she gets terrified of her when she is angry and runs to me, she dissociates when stepmum yells at her, and she is constantly apologising to stepmum to prevent her from getting angry. I'm so scared for my sister's well-being. I genuinely want to know if there is any way I can help my little sister not to go down the same fate as my stepbrother and I?

Divorce/custody issue
Leading up to stepmum going to the police and filing for divorce, my dad was reading a book called "stop walking on eggshells" and was working on getting her to see mental health professionals. Since my stepmum filed for divorce, that plan is thrown out the window and there will be shared custody of my little sister. I really am scared for my little sister's mental health if she stays with her. I have no issue with stepmum eventually caring for little sister, but right now, she is completely mentally unstable and will be really harmful to little sister. I want my dad to have majority custody for now (something like 60% him and 40% her), but that is unrealistic, according to his lawyers. I’m quite annoyed by stepmum going to the police and claiming she has been abused when in fact, she was the abuser the whole time, and I’m even angrier at her and myself because when I was getting abused daily, I never went to the police as I cared about the family and at times even her but she threw me away the first chance she got and created a lie that could put my dad in jail for TWO YEARS.

Advice?
I wanted to see is there any way little sister could be with us most of the time? Or any way we can get stepmum to be a better parent to her? Has anyone else gone through a similar situation and can provide us with some advice? Also, is there any way we can prove or claim she has BPD without an official diagnosis?  No one really believes her to be abusive as she acts really nice and kind in front of others, so it's kind of hard to make such a claim.  To be honest, any type of advice or support will be really appreciated and helpful as this is quite a difficult situation, and I can’t stand to see stepmum hurt more people, especially my sister.

[ForeverDad]

Right now, based on one set of allegations, by step-mother(SM?), all the professionals may be legally bound to view her as the victim and your dad as the perp.  And claimed victims are not scrutinized very closely.

Are there any persons who are willing to file petitions or allegations against her?  That may even the field a bit.  A proactive and experienced local attorney can ponder and guide any such responses.  Your father needs legal advice.  He doesn't have to hire the first attorney he consults, he can see multiple lawyers, listen to their opinions and possible strategies.  The key is to handle this with a smart and practical approach.  It's a nasty situation - high conflict - but it has little hope of getting better if he's passive about it all.

I recall when my then-spouse and I separated (I had raised the stakes by calling the police) she was arrested for Threat of DV (pending for months until she was finally declared Not Guilty since she didn't have a weapon in her hands) but she immediately went to family court and filed against me and of course included our preschooler.  That was an ex parte (emergency) petition - TPO.  That temp protection order blocked me from my son until there was a full hearing a couple weeks later where both sides could appear and state their facts.  At that time the CPS investigator who had previously interviewed me stood up and stated CPS had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate thereupon excluded our son from "protection".  The problem?  CPS was not tasked to interview and scrutinize our child's mother, which hopefully could have been quite revealing.  Because all they had was paperwork claiming I was the abuser.  All they did was look at me and not her.  It was only later when I filed reciprocal petition that we were both "protected" from each other... She was assigned custody and I was assigned alternate weekends and an evening in between.

Be aware that there are many angles to address with your blended family.  I don't know how you as a minor would report the abuse you experienced and concern for your little sister to the local family or child protection services.

I got the impression when reporting adult-adult abuse my court wasn't to concerned about older incidents and didn't want to hear about events older than 6 months before filing.  What does help is to have details such as dates, times, witnesses, anything documented.  As an adult speaking about my adult spouse, court viewed "he said... she said..." as hearsay and ignored.  Court paid attention to documentation.  That's when I started looking through my journals and calendars, etc for specifics and keeping better records.

Court and the associated professionals were studiously circumspect, even disinterested, whether my spouse had mental issues.  Documented behaviors and actions ruled the day.  Eventually during the divorce process we had a Custody Evaluation that looked closely at both parents but that was several hearings later.  I had an excellent child psychologist and though he was excellent he also declined to diagnose her.  Documentation with at least some supporting details is important.

[zachira]

Reports about child abuse including yours and that of your siblings to a mandated reporter, would require the mandated reporter to file an immediate report with Child Protective Services (CPS) which would likely be immediately investigated. A mandated reporter would be anyone who works with families and children in places such as schools, medical facilities, government programs,  etc., Do you have someone like a trusted teacher or an adult from a youth program you feel comfortable talking to? You can also directly contact CPS and report all the abuse by your stepmother and I would report all of it, to be able to get the most immediate help for your stepsister, you, and other siblings. You would more likely be believed and given priority with you being directly involved with the report as you are a minor than if your father did it, as CPS regularly receives reports from the other parent, and many of these reports are often used as a means to get the upper hand in custody disputes. You are a loving caring sister to want to protect your sister, and you also deserve to be given all resources available to help you deal with all the current and past abuses from your stepmother. Keep in touch and let us know how we can help. Dealing with abuse and getting some real help can take time or there can be an immediate effective response. Stay involved and you wil find ways to help your sister.

[ForeverDad]

If you feel it might help, you can invite your father to join us here.  The community has a lot of collective experience and time-tested strategies that can help build perspective.  We've "been there, done that".

Of course don't let even a hint about this site get to stepmum.  This is a place of support for those dealing with and exposed to people with BPD (pwBPD).

Once the authorities (family court and other professionals) figure out that your father is not a problem person then he will get at least some parenting time.  Unfortunately, everything takes time and that is surely hard for you and your family.  The lawyers and others have a less on-edge perspective, they deal with this all the time whereas for us it's a shock.

One thing my lawyer told me was, "Courts love counseling!"  You and your family can surely benefit from trained counselors and therapists.  (Be aware your stepmum probably resists any idea of counseling, well, unless she controls the narrative.)  My son was started in counseling when he was nearly four years old, it was apparently play therapy.  My ex actually was the one who started started our child's sessions because she had ulterior motives and was seeking "negative advocates" to repeat her unsupported claims how evil I was.  It took a while but eventually I was seen as the more reasonably normal parent and she dropped out.

[PearlsBefore]

Your post hits really hard...like it upsets me to the point I want to go find your father and give him all my advice in a ten-hour-rant, but I wouldn't be able to distill it as perfectly as necessary.

In the meantime, I'd suggest getting/asking father to get a book for your youngest sister, Meltdown Moments ( https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345614.0 for a book review)...the impact of BPD mothers on young children is a thing of mine, there are other books out there for the age range but this is probably the best I've seen. If you were interested yourself, or for your father (or his lawyer) I'd also heartily recommend Dr. Christine Lawson's "Understanding the Borderline Mother" which is remarkable (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0 for many book reviews) and unlike most books on BPD it's written solely for professionals and caretakers so doesn't use polite nuanced wording the way more famous books like "Walking on Eggshells" or "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" do since they're also marketed at helping BPDs understand their own problems. If you need a PDF copy, I might be able to find one given the obviously urgent situation here - send me a PM and I can take a look in a day or three when I get to my other computer.

[ForeverDad]

Speaking of books... your father surely knows his marriage is toast now, once a spouse has made legal allegations, there's no way to undo that, the trust needed in a marriage is, well, toast and charred on both sides.  With that in mind. there is a wonderful handbook that was virtually written for us, full of do's and don'ts, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by William Eddy.  The latest update was in 2021.