Hi everyone,
I, 36F, grew up with a mother who suffers from BPD. Like many of you, home life was rife with resentment, stonewalling, silence, yelling, blaming, and so on...
We never had a good relationship. When I was a child, she always said "If your father and I ever divorce, it will be because of you". I was never good enough, never behaved enough, never gave enough, although I never got into trouble at school, etc. Eventually, my father was not allowed to spend time alone with me anymore, because "I was taking away her husband from her." Ultimately, he wasn't allowed to talk to me alone on the phone anymore, because she had to be included. If this wasn't possible, he had to send her an email and let her know what was discussed.
My father was about to visit me in the United States recently, when my mother attempted suicide. She blames me for the attempt, saying it it was all because of me. I am looking for support/people in similar circumstances, as I do not know how to deal with this accusation. My father insists that my mother is the best mother in the world at that I am confused. It's hard feeling this alone.
-Dolores
This is similar to the situation with my BPD mother and my father. She controlled his relationship with me and he defaulted to her wishes.
He'd also say things like this about her. She tends to put people up to doing things and saying things on her behalf. Chances are, she's sitting next to him insisting he say it.
My father passed away several years ago. In addition to learning about BPD, I also wanted to learn about the relationships and family dynamics. BPD explains my mother's behavior but my father- he was an intelligent and logical man. How did he buy into my mother's perspective?
Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand this. My BPD mother takes Victim perspective, my father- her rescuers. Someone or something else must be in the persecutor position. That could be whatever or whoever she's upset about.
My mother was my father's main focus. She isn't physically unable but she's emotionally not able to function on her own. I am sorry to hear about your mother's attempt. My mother has done this in the past as well. Here is what I think is going on with your parents.
The first thing that I think is important to understand is that it isn't your fault and has nothing to do with you. As a teen, BPD mother blamed me for the issues between my parents. I believed that when I went away to college, my parents would be happier. This wasn't true. Their issues continued- because they were between them, not anyone else but back to Karpman triangle- for them to have the victim-rescuer bond, the blame is on someone or something else.
Your mother can not function without your father available constantly. His visit to the US felt threatening to her. It's likely he wanted to visit you. He may have even put up some resistance to her telling him not to go. When her usual arguments didn't work, she resorted to the extreme to stop the trip. I suspect that this is part of the fear that my father had with my mother as well if he resisted her wishes. Understandably, none of us want to see any harm to my mother and this is a scary situation.
BPD mother read my emails to my father, listened in on my phone calls with him. I believed he cared about me but only to the extent BPD mother allowed. She controlled him. But again, this has nothing to do with me. I also have tried my best to be a good daughter but I understand the feeling of not being good enough for my parents. My mother is elderly now and has assistants and engages in similar dynamics with them- nobody is good enough.
Even if you know it's not about you, it still can feel hurtful. I think we wish for a good relationship with our parents but their capacity for that is limited. You aren't to blame for any of this. Their relationship dynamics are between them. I think it was more difficult to process my father's behavior- I thought he loved me. How could a father not stand up for his relationship with his own child? He was in a difficult situation. Your father is in a difficult situation as well. It's not your fault at all.
