Alternative to JADE / Accused of Infidelity

[LifewithEase]

My example (below) is textbook BPD behavior.

My uBPDw thinks I'm going out on dates.

I'm looking for a non-confrontational standard phrase or written reply I can use to:

- Establish boundaries
- Keep her accountable
- Not JADE (justify, argue, defend, or excuse)

What are our go-to phrases everybody?

Thanks!


The Situation:

- I receive a last-minute invite to a jazz performance from a buddy

- I tell uBPDw with care and clarity that I plan to go that night

- She challenges me on the "friend." I tell her the truth "Sam, the guy who lives in town."

- She uses her go-to "joke" that he is "one of my invisible friends," her go-to joke because he part of a handful of new great new friends I've made in the last two years. You know what I'm talking about >>  the "balance out the BPD chaos, working on myself, post-covid socialization, midlife guy loneliness" investment in me, my needs, and wants.

- As I'm leaving, saying goodbye, she says in front of the kids, "Have fun on your date." I very clearly and calmly say: "This is not a date."Nothing else, nothing more. I'm not going to JADE.

- She says sardonically "who takes a shower to spend time with a buddy?" My kid (12 yo) says "he was cleaning up from yard work."

- When I was out she dysregulated hard sending me handfuls of text and emails. Examples that will not surprise you:

- "...out with other people, likely romantically.."

- "...I have no qualms with the kids knowing my suspicions. This behavior is off-the-charts odd. They need to know that it is neither healthy nor normal in a marriage. You are accountable to them as well. "

It has been 48 hours. I've replied and said nothing. I'm angry with myself that I haven't defended myself, and cleared up her chaos, but proud I have not JADEd.

I happily shared the concert details with my kids. Clearly telling them about Sam, his pregnant wife, his son, their dog, and that they live near our town's coolest park.

This isn't the first time uBPDw accusing me of infidelity (not a surprise to any of you).

I need something, some sort of non-JADE witty high-road reply. Especially because she brings the in kids.

I'd really appreciate the group's help on this.

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[Notwendy]

48 hours later, I'd say nothing.

What would you say if your wife accused you of being a pink elephant? Would you defend that? You know it's not true. It's not necessary to defend it or try to convince her you are not one. You'd probably think that's crazy.

So is her accusation that going out with your buddy is a romantic date.

Rather than say "it's not a date" - to "have fun on your date"- Perhaps make light of it and say "thanks honey, I will" and leave. The "its not a date" was invalidating in a way and led to the next response.

Maybe she'd have had a reaction anyway but trying to defend it didn't stop it.

IMHO, defending this adds the possibility that it might be true. If it isn't true, you don't need to defend it.

Another option is to say something reassuring like  "Oh honey, the only person I'd go out on a romantic date with is you, love you honey, bye" and out the door."

[Wrongturn1]

Another option is to say something reassuring like  "Oh honey, the only person I'd go out on a romantic date with is you, love you honey, bye" and out the door."

My vote would be for you to use Notwendy's suggestion above, or just laugh and say something like, "ha-ha, good one!"  No need to play defense against absurd accusations. 

[LifewithEase]

Love the perspective eveyone.

My therapist agreed ... don't acknowledge. It a combination of insecurity, baiting, shaming, control... so much. Acknowledging it feeds the act and not acknowledging it supports creating my boundaries.

False Narratives

I realize that every six to 18 months uBPDw creates a new or additional false narrative to pivot on. The idea that I'm sneaking around is emerging as the newest. 

For example:

She took Kid1 out for the day and night. Kid2 was at a sleep over. I was solo on a long weekend. Instead of feeling lonely I took advantage of the time to be true to the person I am - invited a handful of buddies over for a pit fire.

Exchange via txt

Me: Heads up. I'm having a few friends over for a pit fire.

Her: Which friends?

Me: Sam, John, Tim, Jim

Her: "It's just fascinating that you suddenly have all of these new "buddies" that no one in the family knows. And you expect us to trust and believe all of this?"

Classic BPD, no?

Thoughts:

- Confirms I've been successful focusing on myself. A few knew friends for a middle age man is fantastic

- They are not "sudden." They have taken a lot of initiative and work to nurture and

- The family doesn't know them because

a. She opts out of my life

b. She restricts who comes over

c. I'm fine keeping them separate and

d. She's so in her BPD bubble she doesn't realize the kids actually do know them and have even met a couple

[Notwendy]

She's going to think what she thinks.
Glad you are keeping your friend connections. They are important.