28 year old SD either BPD or NPD driving me crazy

[Hopeless419]

I’ve been trying to figure out and deal with my 28 yr old SD for the last 3 years. Her dad and I married 3 yrs ago. Prior to marriage she and I were very close. Several times she told me she wished I was her mom. She was 24 yrs old and still living with him. While planning our wedding he said he didn’t want her coming to live with us because “she was drama” I hadn’t seen this yet. I knew she didn’t really have friends because she spent all her free time with us. She doesn’t like to work, had a job as an EMT and got fired from that for abusing FMLA. She went off at 22 and bought a $50,000 truck which took almost her entire paycheck to make the $850 per month payments. Mom had told her she couldn’t live with her so for the past 3 years we have maintained my husbands old home for her and she convinced him to pay for it and all the household bills. In addition she had him agree to give her $1000 a month allowance. I found out about that 2 months after we married and told him that was too extreme and she basically had manipulated him into making her truck payment and still leaving her extra money each month while covering her living. He asked her to take on the water bill which was probably $80 a month and she had a “depression episode”. Moved in with us for 17 days moping around and left never having to pay a bill. We went and talked to a therapist who explained this was enabling and said it had to stop. He suggested reducing the allowance in steps with starting by dropping to $750. My husband did that but didn’t warn her and when it happened she lost it. She blamed me and told me it added stress in her life and would cause her to fail and it would be all my fault. She was back in community college taking classes. This was my first time experiencing the “drama”. She was so angry over it she didn’t speak to me for a year. She got her mom on her side who yelled at dad. He never reduced the allowance again until a year and a half later he dropped it to $500. So that carried on from March 2020 until this month. We did have her move out of our other house back in December and sold that but of course that created drama too. She had to move in with her mom but they both blame me. Neither will tell me directly but they let my husband know it’s all my fault and make threats that he’s destroying his relationship with her. Problem is he’s a good man and tries to be a good dad providing for her. Many therapists sessions later he’s seen how he has enabled her and stunted her growth but it’s also caused her to have this horrible personality that is entitled and blaming others when she can’t have what she wants. She just graduated from a paramedic program 2 weeks ago. Remember she lost her job as an EMT abusing FMLA claiming stress from the job. Now she gets certified at a higher level in the field. My husband just assumed she’d get her certificate and be independent but I’ve tried to explain at 28 she’s never paid a bill and been fully independent. We reached out to her therapist to talk about what we experience and wanted to discuss our concerns for how she would transition with new responsibilities. The therapist told her we reached out (before we ever got to visit) and that caused a blow up. Mom called dad and told him we needed to stay out of it. I’m exhausted with trying to help and constantly being the bad guy. She has a history of bad decisions from buying things she can’t afford, dating married men! I’m angry because she’s used her dad for years, and never even says thank you. When you first meet her she seems sweet and funny but then there is this other side! Last summer while we were celebrating her older sisters birthday she was late to the dinner. Finally walks in and in a bad mood, walks past everyone and doesn’t speak. We all got really quiet and you could feel the tension. She came and sat down at the dinner table pouting. So awkward but no one dared address it. That’s been her way her whole life. She throws tantrums, makes threats and people just don’t say anything, let her have her moment. When she gets mad at her dad she will just ghost him until she needs something. This just drives me crazy. I have anxiety being around her now cuz I know she is fake to my face. I get upset with my husband because he allows this behavior. The only reason I think she could be BPD is because the therapist who caused problems by telling on us sent me a picture of a book “that I might find interesting” and it was the stop walking on eggshells book. I’ve always felt she was NPD but I don’t freaking know anymore. Just know it drives me crazy and I’m starting to have bad feelings towards her and guilt for feeling that way. She didn’t invite me to her graduation the other day but I went anyway. She actually turns 28 this week and my husband will take her to dinner but I won’t go. I just can’t handle being around her, my anxiety skyrockets. Is this normal when dealing with someone like this?  Other than snapping at me that one time over her allowance she’s never been aggressive and we don’t see her being that way ever. She’s more deceivious.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hey Hopeless419, welcome to the boards  Glad we can be here for you as you cope with your SD28. Stepparenting is already hard, and adding BPD behaviors in the mix doesn't make things better 

One of the weirdly nice things about this group is that the challenging person in your life doesn't have to have an "official" diagnosis of anything, for you to get support and skills here. There's a sense in which her label or diagnosis isn't as important as the fact that whatever anyone would call what she's doing, what she's doing is stress-inducing, dramatic, dysfunctional, and crazy-making. We can work with that. It's the behaviors, not the labels, that bring us here.

These parts of your post jumped out at me:

I’m exhausted with trying to help and constantly being the bad guy.

and

She actually turns 28 this week and my husband will take her to dinner but I won’t go. I just can’t handle being around her, my anxiety skyrockets. Is this normal when dealing with someone like this?

It sounds like you've shouldered a lot with trying to help SD28 "launch", and you're at a pivot point -- there's not much more you can take.

What would it be like to do more of what you're doing for the birthday this week, where you decline to participate, and give yourself a break from interacting with her, or feeling responsible to "be there for her"?

Do you think your H would understand?

Keep us in the loop -- we'll be here;

kells76

[Hopeless419]

Thank you Kells. ♥️

My husband understands how I’m feeling. He himself has fought with the frustration but kept it hidden. He just feels like it’s his job to do everything she asks.

I feel extremely guilty for not going because I was raised in a close family where we are always there for each other and support each other. SD28 I can’t even have a normal conversation with because she views simple conversations as the person is “fact finding”.

My husband finally admitted a couple days ago that he doesn’t think she is comfortable around me. He is just the type who likes to believe in the best and that it’s just going to turn around at any moment. My exhaustion comes from wanting her to be better and feeling like she hasn’t been treated properly in therapy. But, we simply can not afford either to keep funding the manipulation that’s been going on.

[Hopeless419]

The stress is very hard on our marriage and honestly, I think she would be happy to see it fail.