Documentation

[dtkm]

I am writing this to document.
Yesterday was our sons pre-school graduation. A few days earlier I had sent a text to my uBPDh letting him know that I was planning on getting our son a candy bouquet and a gift card (and making him a card) for his graduation. I asked if he wanted to join in on the gift with us or if he was good on his own. He was very great full that I asked, saying “yes” and that he would pick up the gift card. Graduation day arrives I send him a pictures of our son, one at the start of preschool and one I took that day. In the text I say how proud of our son I am, etc (it was a rough start to preschool, actually our son had a rough couple of years I believe due to his dad’s influence but since he has been mostly just with me he has turned into the most wonderful little boy). Almost 2 hours later I get a response, “I am proud of him too”. No emotion…At least I know what emotional space he is in so I know not to involve myself with him later at the graduation. It’s a little bit before graduation, my other kids and I are at my sons school and I get a text asking if he can use the bathroom at the house…I have changed all of the locks so he can’t get in any longer on his own. I give him the garage code (which I will change again today). He comes to graduation, we celebrate all of the kids. I give our son the candy bouquet and my uBPDh says my gift to you is in the car. On our walk home he starts in on me…”so when are you going to let me have the kids alone, etc”. I told him I’m not…”so you won’t let me have them at all..what are you going to do when the judge gives them to me in July (our initial status conference). You know that’s what’s going to happen, you know you are screwed”. I ignore him and start playing with my son…my 2 year old asks if she can play at his house sometime…”yes, I will take you on Thursday (I work on Thursdays…I thought he did too…), can I take them on Thursday from the daycare lady’s?”  I respond “no, You are welcome at the house at anytime to see them.”  Yelling…”you can’t control me or this…this isn’t ok, I’m supposed to wait that long to see my kids”. I ignore and keep playing with my son (I’m not wanting to create a scene in front of my kids school). We get to his car and he gives our son his gift…the gift cards with a store bought card all just from him. “Mom look what dad got me!”  I support it.  We go inside, our son asks us to read the cards to him. I read mine first…since I thought we had agreed to a joint gift, I signed the card from all of us…including him and my stepdaughter. He signed his just from him. When he hears me read my card from all of us, he then gets out a pen and writes all of our names on his card (different color ink) and all of a sudden he has switched back to white. Wanting to be wherever I am, chatting with me, flirty, compliments, interacting nicely with all of the kids, etc. After a couple of hours he mentioned that he had to leave to go to his therapy appointment, but wondered if he could come back over after his appointment. As he left, he gave me a kiss, a hug and told me he loved me. The kids and I went to the school for an event for one of my daughters. After his therapy session, he came back, still white, super nice to all, including my older 2 who had returned from school. We agreed to drive together to dinner for my son, doing a carpool for my daughter on the way and picking up my stepdaughter for dinner. Still white, he took the trash out for me, did all of the things he used to do when he lived at the house before we left. We get to my stepdaughter’s mom’s house, it takes him about 5 min to get her, longer than normal…you could see some sort of more serious conversation going on. (Her mom got married over this last weekend, so not sure if that was part of the conversation or what). As he walks back to the car I get that “ugh” feeling in my stomach…be ware!  He is definitely off after getting in the car, but you can tell he is trying to fight through it. We go to dinner, some conversation but not a ton. I continue to act normally. As we leave, I ask him which way he believes is the fastest, “it’s up to you” (the indifference tells me he is back to black mode). Our son then asks if he can sleepover…”it’s up to mom”. I say, it fine with me but that I am not making any decisions for anyone but myself (and my kids). He then replies “the ball is 100% in mom’s court”. I didn’t get his comment, so I said I’m not sure what you are talking about. He says “my 2 ball are entirely in your court”. I ignore his comment. He is full on black now. He then starts playing dominos on his phone and reading his work stuff, etc. ignoring anything the kids ask to be done…so I do them while driving. I get to the store, usually in white mode he would offer to go get the milk, instead he says the kids and I will stay in the car. We finally get home. He sits on the couch, the far corner away from everyone…still playing/reading on his phone. I get the kids ready for bed…I don’t think he even has any idea. The kids call his name…it takes 3 or 4 times, each time, before it registers that he is being talked to. He cuddles on the couch then with our 5 year old, whispering to him the entire time. We all go up to be and on the way up he tells my son that once my son falls asleep he is leaving.   I say nothing. An hour later I hear him get up. He kisses both of the little kids and taps me on the leg…”I’m gonna go”. I respond “ok”. And he leaves. My plan for today is to continue forward…warning the daycare lady that he may try to take the kids tomorrow…even though he told me of all of these appointments he has. As much as I fear white will not return…it will!
Also I read a post on here the other day that super helped me. Often I feel crazy, I am not a violent person, but over time, I feel like I joined in on the fighting way more than is in my personality. I learned that it is human nature to do so, it’s the only way to regain some sort of control and to balance things out…better to join them then continue to be stomped on. That was very eye opening! 

[kells76]

Hi dtkm;

How has the last week or so been for you?

[livednlearned]

It could be that you get drawn into these scraps and are struggling to get off the roller coaster because the boundaries are unclear.

He is white, black, and he is also in, not in, then in again -- without a clear sense of self he won't be able to find the line. He'll be up when he feels validated and dysregulated (if not fully abusive) when those feelings begin to wane. 

It's complicated with kids. You have different kinds of blended family dynamics, making it more complex.

PDs are such serious mental disorders, and we can't see what's happening inside, only the exterior where things can seem normal one minute and then off the next. If these were physical issues, we might recognize our limits.

What are your thoughts? Do you think the boundaries are clear for both of you?

I found the looser and less clear the boundaries, the more chronic the conflict. Most of my efforts were focused on late-stages conflict than asserting boundaries, and that meant I was drawn in more to the fray.

[dtkm]

Hi all!  Thanks for checking in and responding!  This week has been relatively calm. He seems to have a pattern of black mood Tuesday through Thursday and white mood Friday through Monday, with ups and downs inside that pattern. Though one week a month, he tends to stay in his black mood for an entire week. I think that week was this past week. There was no communication after he left on Tuesday evening, until Thursday when I got a text sent to the daycare lady and I inviting her daughter and the kids and I to my stepdaughter’s birthday party. I was shocked that the daycare lady’s daughter was invited, even though the daycare lady has invited my stepdaughter to every birthday party for her kids, my stepdaughter has never invited them, no friends from “our side” (her dad and i’s) are ever invited, only her mom’s side. It’s clear that my husband invited them, and I am greatful that he did so. I responded to him that 2 of the kids and I could go, but I was figuring out details of a trip for the other two kids and would get back to him. I got “cool” as the response. Friday through yesterday was him asking to have the kids…I ignored his text twice (my family was in town and we had plans…all known to him) and when I did respond, he ignored me…needing to take his control back I assume. I am not ok with the kids being alone with him, which is a boundary I have set in concrete and have not wavered, even though he continues to try to push it. It’s a big birthday month for us, his, my sons and my stepdaughter’s. Now to figure out how to celebrate all of these as normally as possible for the kids!

[dtkm]

Unfortunately, I am needing to document again. This week has been good, my uBPDh has been wanting to hangout and has been in a  good mood for the most part, and if not I have left him alone, and he switches back to good mood relatively quickly. He has slept at our house for the last 3 nights. Last night he got up in the middle of the night and went downstairs which is usually a sign of him transitioning into a bad mood. Today was his birthday. We had planned to take him to a MLB game, then to dinner if his choice. He and my step daughter arrived at our house, late, but it was ok. I drive us to the game. We get there and he has to buy ice cream for the kids right away. We finally get to our seats, and he is at the farthest seat from me ( next to my stepdaughter). I jokingly say that it seems like he is a mile away and he decides to come sit in an open seat next to me with out 5 year old and 2 year old. Things are good for a bit. He doesn’t do well in public as he thinks everyone around us is scheming to sleep with me, so public outings usually never go well. I have to take the baby to change her and when I get back he tells me all of the kids want food. So out we go to get the kids food. 2 of the kids tell me they want hamburgers which they don’t have at the stand we are at. He looks at me like I am “in trouble” and says yeah so does she…pointing to y stepdaughter. My stepdaughter is very picky and is diabetic…but she really only wants crap to eat so her blood sugar is always skyrocketing. Also, in this mood, whatever she wants, she gets. So we find a hamburger place…I order all of their food. We return to the game. He refuses to sit next to me…leaving a seat in between me and him…ok, whatever not worth the mention. He then keeps giving me the “you are in trouble” eye. I try to make regular conversation with little success of breaking through his mood. It starts to rain, so we get ready to leave. He insists that we stop at a restaurant that the kids really like to pick up food for us for the week. I remind him that I would like to get him food that he wants for his birthday. He says this is for you guys for the week, not tonight. I offer to pay for our food, he refuses my offer. Ok, maybe he is turning back to nice. The entire car ride home he is playing on his phone, a sign he is still black. We get home and all he cares about is himself and my stepdaughter (our 2 little kids are sleeping). He gets food ready for the 2 of them and that’s all. We all lay down to nap, I lay with him seeing if I can shift his mood. My kids then ask to lay with me. A little while later, he is still in a bad mood, our 5 year old comes over and says his throat hurts. I ask why and he says my 11 year old pushed him…they were playing video games together with my 11 year olds friends too. I talk to my 11 year old. My 5 year old says he wants to keep playing with them. My uBPDh says he should sit with him instead of playing with my 11 year old. My 5 year old starts crying, so I go sit with them as they play. My uBPDh then asks my 5 year old to come give him a hug as he is leaving, apparently my 11 year old and I now have cooties!  He brings my 5 year old to another room and talks to him (I asked my 5 year old what he said and he said that dad told him that he was lying when he said his older brother doesn’t punch him and intentionally hurt him, that he is abusive to him). (FYI…both of my kids are hanging out laughing right now…oh yes so abusive). He then comes out screaming at me and my 11 year old, at what horrible abusive people we are. I tell him to leave and that I will not do this in front of the kids. He keeps screaming at me and my 11 year old, yells at my stepdaughter to go to the car and says he is taking the other kids. My 5 year old starts crying that he doesn’t want to leave, he wants to keep playing with his brother. He trys to take my 2 year old and tells me to call the police, so I do. He finally takes the 2 year old out of the car and gives her to me. He tells me to call the cops back and tell them he is leaving. He leaves. My neighbors come over, asking if we need anything saying how brave I was to stand up for my kids and call the police. The police finally arrive. I talk to her for a little bit. I ask her to talk to my kids, and my 11 year old is the only one to really talk. He gave a very brief overview. And the police did state several times that he needed to remember to be careful and a role model as the oldest. Another officer arrives. She says se is fine, and he says that my uBPDh has just shown up at the police station. I am sure he had to make sure my stepdaughter had the correct story to tell that’s why he didn’t wait for the police at the house but knew he had to get his side on record. He kept saying the whole time, my lawyer is going to hear about this tonight. I didn’t respond but wanted to say and you don’t think I will talk yo mine!  He also stated that he didn’t want to accept our birthday gift…attention attention!  That’s fine with me, I am drowning in bills since you won’t pay a single cent for any of your kids, so I can use the money from the return! 
That was a long documentation, but now I don’t know what yo do, this is a repeated thing. He knows he can’t get to me any longer, so he goes after my 11 year old. He has threatened him once saying if he hurts my 5 year old (they are kids, they wrestle, they play hard, etc and my 5 year old loves it) then he will hurt my 11 year old, I found my 11 year old cutting because of his dad, it is accusations after accusations about him, it is yelling and verbal abuse at him, it is telling my 5 year old he is lying as to abuse and covering for me and his brother…when he s in black mode…when he is in white, he is the most amazing thing in the world. My son is very smart, my son is very athletic, he has tons of friends and all of their parents say he is a joy to have over, he also has a teenager attitude. I feel like family therapy is needed…most likely without my uBPDh. Part of me feels like o need to consider an order of protection on my 11 year old from my uBPDh…but is that taking it too far?  I don’t know!  Big time mama bear instincts are in effect tonight…and are probably here to stay for a while.

[dtkm]

A couple more documentation points…my uBPDh has been on me this week, because I let the kids have a soda every once in awhile. Today, my stepdaughter shows up with a soda that her dad bought her. Also, he used to get very upset if I put the baby in the high chair to eat. To the point where one time this lead to a confrontation that cps had to be involved as he choked me
I fro t if the kids. She is 2 and a 1/2. We have bar stools at our bar…I let her sit in them only  if they are push all the way down, so the same height as a regular table chair. He got upset that I let her sit in that chair as she should be in her high chair!  Ugh…dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t. Also, my stepdaughter is diabetic. I know I have mentioned before, but she eats mostly crap, lots of noodles, Mac and cheese, chips, candy, snacks…stuff it seems to me a diabetic should use as a treat not an everyday meal. Consequently, her blood sugar is constantly high, like very high. Tonight because she was all that mattered to him, he was ok with her eating Mac and cheese and cookies for dinner with an already high blood sugar. This seems like abuse…him allowing this is killing her. But all he cares about is she gets what she wants with this. If he was transitioning back
to white, he would scream at her for having high blood sugar. This is not how I would want my child to be raised if any of them
had the same medical situation…their health and future is more important than the happiness she got from that cookie

[dtkm]

Sorry…had to add one more thing…he has called my 11 year old an a** h***…and admitted to it, was proud of it!