Adult Daughter w/BPD

[keep.it.simple]

  BPD family,
I have a 36 year old daughter with BPD living in her own apartment.
I help her with medication/physical/mental/emotional issues and appointments.
My ex-husband also is very active in helping her with anything else she needs.
She is very verbally abusive to us both and it is taking a tole.
She is her own guardian, but does not take responsibility for being her own guardian.
She lost her car and now, we are bullied into catering her every need.
Manipulation, humiliation, swearing, name calling, putting us against each other.
She refuses to take showers, clean her own apartment, eat well and continually cancels needed appointments with professionals.
In her school IEP's my ex was described by school staff as "enabling" and I was described as "tough love".
With this combination, we have gotten no where.
So happy to be back here. I was on this group during my divorce. Now I need support in following through with my boundaries  no matter how my ex continues to deal with her behavior.
Thanks for listening.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Keep.it.simple and thanks for posting. I identify with so much of what you go through. The awful verbal abuse is  . . .  well hard to describe! It's so hard to be on the other end of these tirades!

You say you help with medication etc. Does that mean you see dd every day? It is a good thing that dd has her own apartment although I suspect that she possibly doesn't have other friends, so feels quite depressed and then loads it all on you when you turn up. I might be wrong there.

My dd also lives in a mess - but in a room in my house - and stays in bed a lot of the time. She goes out about once a week, does shower and cooks sometimes.

My biggest 'freedom' is that I don't initiate conversation with dd and answer her briefly and pleasantly if/when she speaks to me. This has been a great help.

What boundaries do you think would give you a sense of 'freedom' within the situation you are in?