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Author Topic: How to leave without chaos?  (Read 287 times)
Enoughtimes
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1


« on: May 27, 2023, 10:46:14 PM »

Sorry this has cross posted in the other thread. I put it in the wrong place now can’t see how to delete it.


I  come across this board today after coming to conclusion that my husband is UBPD. I’m not using this term loosely as I know others often do but the more I read the more it matches the hell we’re living through and the chaos of the last two years.

This escalation has been triggered by some family trauma about two years ago now although looking back I can see lots of traits.  before then now. We’ve been married a significant amount of time.

He was  recently hospitalised for serious impulsiveness and suicidal tendencies. He is now receiving DBT but seems to be in constant denial that there is a problem or anything he needs to work on. Our house is a regular conflict zone despite me trying absolutely everything to de-escalate and avoid any triggers. It doesn’t matter what it is he’ll find one. I’ve been his carer a lot during this time constantly trying to fix him. It’s dragged me down with him and I’ve had to fight to get back up.

He attends DBT and- takes meds but constantly blames me for having to do so. His psych and therapist seem to be avoiding a diagnosis of anything or if they’ve given him one he hasn’t told  me as he rarely discusses with me what they’ve said unless he’s in a rage and screaming at me that they all blame me and even the therapist has said it’s my fault.

Whilst things are significantly better than before he was hospitalised I’m not sure how much longer I can carry on. My eldest teen DC has been severely impacted and is struggling when there is calm. If there is I end up with him showing difficult behaviour and then my H will blame me again in a rage. He’s great at supporting me with managing the difficulties when they happen but an hour later after everything is calm will fly onto an episode or rage which could last and hour or on some occasions days.

 I’ve had enough of treading on eggshells around him, being constantly blamed, being the only one who can’t feel emotions in the house, having to pick up the financial and mental load and raged at  if something goes wrong anywhere in life.

He apologised after each rage but will never ever take any action to avoid getting into the rage in the first place. For the sake of me and the DC we need to separate. However I don’t know how to do this without causing utter chaos. I don’t have anymore capacity for chaos at the moment. I just need peace. If it takes longer to leave but is more peaceful in the end so be it.

I d love advice on how tp get where I need to be.

What I’d like to happen is.

- He leaves the family home. I can’t leave as the teenagers won’t leave  and they need to remain with me primarily

- him be stable enough not to resort to suicidal tendencies again so I don’t get dragged back In to supporting him.

- him being stable enough not to drag my eldest into being a carer for him

- He goes quietly so we can move on.

I know this is probably unrealistic but how do I get somewhere close? Which of these desires to I need to focus on and which let go?
What can I do to prep to leave whilst protecting the DC

Ideally I’d love for him to have an affair and leave me for another woman so that I don’t have to pick up the pieces and he’s happy in a honeymoon period for a while When did my marriage come to that?

Any help gratefully appreciated.  Thanks.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2023, 10:53:39 PM by Enoughtimes » Logged
Mutt
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2023, 09:30:23 PM »

Hi Enoughtimes,

I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to the site here. I can relate with the chaos at home with a partner with BPD traits. I recall feeling like when I wpuld walk through the door that I would be walking on landmines not knowing if I wouldnt be accused of something or not andd there was usually something that she was upset about.

The link has a PDF that you can download, it's by Dr Joe Carver. It outlines stages of ending a r/s with a pwBPD.

PDF | Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

As you know BPD can be hard to detect because it is usually comorbid with mood disorders and sometimes other personanily disorders as well. There is a stigma attached with BPD and sometimes prople tgat suffer from BPD are not diagnosed for insurance reasons and sometimes it worsens BPD traits.
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