BPD mother in assisted living drama

[Notwendy]

I am so exhausted from the drama and I never thought my family would end up in such a mess.

I think this is an issue with any family member with BPD. When my father was ill, my BPD mother used him as a pawn like your sister is doing with your mother. I agree with you that moving your mother a long distance at this stage has many drawbacks and will be an adjustment for her. Unless you could prove elder abuse- you probably can't intervene. I called social services on behalf of my father to see if there was anything I could do at the time to intervene but he was legally competent and made his own decisions.

My BPD mother is chaotic to deal with. She thinks emotionally and so there's no order to a goal oriented discussion with her. She wants to talk about her feelings, which is fine but if the conversation needs to be directed to get something accomplished going from A to Z is more like going all over the place rather than A-B-C...She wants to maintain control but her executive thinking- logically making a plan- is weak and so the result of this is chaos and yet, she won't let others take over tasks. Simple tasks become complicated.

She finally agreed she needs assistance with paying bills and has allowed me access to her bank account. I discovered she's been paying a life insurance policy. It took me asking the question several times about who is the beneficiary and after a bunch of garbled excuses she admitted it was my Golden Child sibling. "I meant to add you too but there was so much paperwork..." such BS. It's an example of how her children are also pawns. She's disowned me before, then re-owned me and it was probably done at the a time she was angry at me and so did it to make a point. There was a time when I would have felt hurt feelings over this but I don't now. Mostly, I am just trying to make some order out of chaos.

You have my empathy with your situation. I hope before your mother moves that you can get copies of her important documents, POA, will. With your sister in charge, I'd be concerned about a lack of order with your mother's bills, finances, and if you are asked to assist in managing them, it's good to have access to documents.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I know this might not be the most helpful, but I can relate a bit with the initial post, my grandma in her old age would have my mom drive all over, make all her appointments, probably called her at work, would complain all the time to the grocery store workers, and wake up naked, strung out on ambien, having eaten weird foods, unable to remember, it wasn’t pretty.

In hindsight she probably had BPD, or at least traits.I think she just couldn’t handle her fall from grace, and honestly I have trouble handling mine too. She was great to me though.

[Notwendy]

Narcs, I am glad for you that your grandmother was good to you. It might be that she was harder on your mother. My BPD mother treats people differently too. For the people she is good to though, I am glad there's some positive interaction for both of them.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, I totally understand that, and a lot of it I'll never know, and I know she gave my Mom an eating disorder, and played favorites and my Mom was oddly jealous of me sometimes. I actually felt for her when I thought of this and could definitely relate. But my mind feels so convoluted from my own stuff, I probably won't probe it deeply, until I make sense of a lot of this. My Mom definitely could be dysfunctional and harmful to me, but for all her faults, she was the greatest listener I've ever known, had a great sense of humor, and set an example of how to be responsible (despite her issues, hey probably too responsible), and helped instill in me a sense of fun for gaming especially, but many things. Glad we had some good connections before she passed, despite all the dysfunctions. Anyways, I love her. Sorry if you're dealing with being treated poorly by your Mother. I know it sucks to be treated poorly by my Dad.

All this intergenerational stuff is exhausting to my mind. I think the best bet is to take each relationship individually, and feel for my Mom, while also not tarnishing my relationship with my Grandma, it's hard to process. I know from my previous experience that I shouldn't guilt myself into going on some journey for my Mom now, when I am struggling for myself and the living though.

[Notwendy]

I agree- it makes sense to focus on our own stuff. The intergenerational issues are interesting to me from the standpoint of family dynamics but it's hard to know all that went on with people from so long ago. You've got good memories of your grandmother and other priorities at the moment.

[So Stressed]

Thanks NotWendy.  The chaos, abuse, and demanding is just so exhausting.  The move continues. My friends and therapist think it will be the best thing for me, and I think they are probably right. Unfortunately, I believe the move is my punishment for setting boundaries and it has been very hurtful.

I have honestly never seen anyone as mean as my sibling and mother and the scapegoating and abuse get worse day by day. My mother is charming when she is out with others, and she tells stories about me that aren't true.  My therapist finds the level of cruelty shocking, and I am sure the he has heard a lot.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother sinks low with her punishments. Maybe the silver lining to this is that I know what she's capable of now. My mother can also be charming too-it's a manipulation. At the moment she's being charming to me. This doesn't work with me, I see how fake it is, and when she does this, I wonder what she's up to as it's all a manipulation. She's also told others stories about me that aren't true.

I am sorry your sibling is cruel to you too. In a way, there's a silver lining to this situation for you. They will now be engaged in these dynamics with each other.

We have an odd situation in that her Golden Child sibling is at a long distance from her. I don't live near her but am closer. I am the one she has named as her POA first.  I am going to visit her to help her organize her financial records for her and already she's resisting cooperating with me. I have a bottom line though. She either cooperates or, I leave and she deals with it herself. (which she can't). I'd be fine with it if she had an arrangement to move to where GC is, but GC doesn't want that either.

I understand that this feels cruel to you at the moment, but it may be for the better for you. I hope so!

[So Stressed]

Thanks NotWendy. I am feeling abandoned and lonely.  And, in the last few years, I have learned that my mother never was and never can be who I hoped she was.  I feel very used and manipulated.

My Golden sibling does not live near Mom, but she will be moving there, so you are right...they can live happily ever after (NOT!).

[Notwendy]

I felt that way when my father "discarded" me. People keep telling me that he was ill, he wasn't thinking straight. I know that but I also know he'd have done anything my BPD mother insisted he do, and she'd go that low.

It's a shock because I think we see our parents with rose colored glasses and it's a mixed bag because in many ways - they did good things for us too and they set the example for "love". It's all we knew. So we assumed they loved us and in their own disordered way, maybe it was the best they could do but that doesn't make it OK.

My mother has narcissistic traits, and I suspect even sociopathic ones too. She doesn't care at all if she is hurtful. Sometimes it seems she enjoys it.

But it makes sense to be grieving and feeling abandoned because of the loss of what we assumed our parents were to us. I recall the first time I realized my mother was lying to me. I didn't think a mother would do that. I think there is a grieving period when these things happen. We grieve the family we thought they were.

I know quite well that my mother's interest in me is to use me. I have no illusions about that.