BPD mother in assisted living drama

[Depression = 72% of members]

We expected an adjustment when BPD mother moved to assisted living, as any elderly person in unfamiliar surroundings might find that difficult. It's been a lot of drama.

One has been her changing mental status. There are times she has been confused and not making sense. The first time, it was due to an infection, and she had to be hospitalized for IV antibiotics. She got better, then got worse, got better again when her medicine was readjusted, then worse again and back to the hospital.

She can not manage at all on her own and now, this is apparent to others. Even in assisted living, she seems to need one on one care 24/7. She resists her care plans- won't take her antibiotics, won't go to physical therapy, won't go to the dining room for meals, won't use her walker. Then there's a crisis when she falls.

And she's mean and angry to anyone who doesn't do what she tells them to do. I have overheard her snarling at the nurses, her caregivers. Although elderly people can be more angry than usual, this is more of it in addition to her baseline mean. I understand that self care and distance are a part of managing this, for me, but there's so much drama with her.

[Notwendy]

We expected an adjustment when BPD mother moved to assisted living, as any elderly person in unfamiliar surroundings might find that difficult. It's been a lot of drama.

One has been her changing mental status. There are times she has been confused and not making sense. The first time, it was due to an infection, and she had to be hospitalized for IV antibiotics. She got better, then got worse, got better again when her medicine was readjusted, then worse again and back to the hospital.

She can not manage at all on her own and now, this is apparent to others. Even in assisted living, she seems to need one on one care 24/7. She resists her care plans- won't take her antibiotics, won't go to physical therapy, won't go to the dining room for meals, won't use her walker. Then there's a crisis when she falls.

And she's mean and angry to anyone who doesn't do what she tells them to do. I have overheard her snarling at the nurses, her caregivers. Although elderly people can be more angry than usual, this is more of it in addition to her baseline mean. I understand that self care and distance are a part of managing this, for me, but there's so much drama with her.

[zachira]

Naturally you are/were concerned about how assisted living would go for your mother, and her BPD as usual is rearing its ugly head. There are different decisions that the assisted living could make regarding your mother being a high needs resident. My aunt who did not have BPD who fell frequently was told she had to hire a full time caretaker if she was going to stay at the assisted living, and she eventually went to a nursing home after she was not allowed back at the assisted living after being hospitalized. My aunt who did have BPD and who likely would have qualified for assisted living went to a nursing home. I went to visit her at the nursing home and she was the most able bodied and mentally alert person there from what I saw. The nursing home told my aunt's children she was the most difficult person that they had there. While my aunt with BPD was at the nursing home, she hired a lawyer against her children because she did not like their requests to take over her finances. When my aunt died, the penalties for not filing her taxes for several years, were enormous. I am sorry this post is not very encouraging concerning how things could go with your mother and the decisions that the assisted living may make while at the same time I have enormous respect for you knowing that you have the boundaries in place to deal with whatever happens to keep yourself safe and never allow your mother to move in with you. What do you need most from others and members here at this point in your life time journey with your mother with BPD?

[Methuen]

As a 61 yo adult, I often remember my deceased dad's voice saying to my mom (from when I was a child growing up), "why does everything have to be so difficult?" 

It seems to be the way with BPD.  Sigh. One worst case scenario after another.

I am sorry NW.

I don't really know what to say. 

Your mom is in assisted living because her family (not including you) intervened presumably because they had some concerns with her existing living situation at that time.  Perhaps it's possible she wouldn't have got the infection if she was still living independently.  But eventually, she would get something else.  If she had an infection or a fall or some other medical crisis, but was still living at home, I wonder what that would look like in terms of care?  Would it be better?  Or would the same drama be occurring because she lives in a drama cloud?  Eventually she was going to need care.  Her family did what they thought was necessary for their own reasons.

I think where I'm going is that her feelings and frustrations and behaviors are inevitable regardless of where she lives, because of the deterioration that comes with aging, and because of the BPD. 

This isn't your fault.

But it hurts to watch our mother's go through this suffering.

So much.

However.  This is their journey.  That they make things so difficult is beyond our control.  We must remain differentiated from their feelings, and not take those feelings for our own, or the guilt, or the obligation.

But it's hard. To observe all that, and feel helpless to do anything about it.

Are the family who facilitated her move to assisted living still involved with her?  Are they visiting her?

How can we best help you right now?

[Notwendy]

I think it helps to share our stories. We can get support and also see how BPD impacts situations and that, we are not the only ones. So while I don't have specific questions or requests from the group, I think adding my experience to our shared ones is helpful- to me as it helps me to share and also for others who may be reading this or may be having similar experiences.

The main reason for the move to assisted living was to secure a place for her before she was unable to pay her home equity loan. It was a better choice than to see her house get repossessed, but it didn't change her behaviors. BPD mother's emotional needs and mental health needs have been in excess of her medical ones so I can see where she'd also be the most mentally intact person in a nursing home, but she also needs that level of supervision. Staff has said something about needing more supervision and I agree.

We have also had the issue with needing to take over her finances as she's mismanaged them. She has agreed to let this happen then changes her mind. I don't think any lawyer would take her on as a client. She doesn't have enough money for them to have any interest in that and I think they'd find her to be very difficult. She really only has enough for her own needs if that and this is why we don't want her to be careless with it.

Your posts don't discourage me- they confirm what I see with my BPD mother. I don't have any issue with her going to a nursing home if that is the best situation for her. I wish she could manage better on her own, but if she can't- at least she'd have assistance there.

[Notwendy]

Hi Methuen- she actually got the infection before going to the assisted living and they caught it right away, so it is better that she was there. She's also fallen a few times and they have attended to that too. Yes, her family is still involved and they are experiencing what it is like to try to help her. It's a mixed blessing and yet, still a good one- we now have their emotional support which we didn't feel we had before. Yet it's more interactions with them which gives BPD mother a different 3 ring circle to stir up drama with. Your description of the drama cloud is right on. We've described it like Pig Pen in the Snoopy comics with his dirt cloud. The more people involved in "helping her" the more drama she engages in.

I know you struggle with the caretaking responsibilities. I don't think it would make a difference if your mother was in assisted living. My BPD mother is still not compliant with the medical team, gets into drama with them. There's some additional control of her medical treatment but she still can refuse it.

On one hand it is sad to see my mother be in the situation she is, but if people try to help her, she makes it so hard. Like your father said why does everything have to be so difficult? But it seems to be that way.

[TelHill]

It's hard to know which of her issues are cognitive decline and which are bpd behaviors.  I have heard of memory care facilities for those with dementia.  Do you think she might need that?

My mom was a tough customer in the hospital a few months ago. . She pulled out her feeding and px medicine tubes constantly. They tied her hands so she couldn't. She broke free of those. She got out of bed and fell down.  They put a 24/7 camera on her and pumped her full of sedatives.  That worked. (!)  This hospital has the best geriatric medicine department on the west coast and is one of the top three university hospitals in the US. 

Am saying this because of the uphill battle we have with our bpd parents all their lives. Drama is guaranteed with anyone who will serve their purpose. Unless they want to change their behavior, it will remain the same. I think you're doing well.  I know it's hard to see your own mother making a difficult situation worse.  Acceptance and venting are key.

[TelHill]

NW, Am adding this because am the only daughter and the scapegoat. She never wanted friends. I was her main target until she required a complex & long hospitalization during the worst of COVID. No family members could visit.

To my surprise, she picked new scapegoats. The nurses were complaining to me how awful her behavior was. She would scream at them and ridicule them.  It was a blessing in disguise to hear about it. I finally felt free of the shame that something was wrong with me.

Sorry if not the case with you. But it helped me feel better about myself.

[Notwendy]

TellHill- thanks for your post. Yes, we have noticed cognitive decline on top of the BPD. Fortunately the assisted living she is at also has a memory care unit and I plan to look into that option. I don't think she will like the idea but I think she needs it. She might be one of the more cognitively intact residents there but she doesn't take advantage of the social and recreational activities already, so she doesn't interact with the other residents as it is.

I wish she did do that as she has been a social person.  She was connected with friends prior to Covid but when everything shut down she got disconnected. As much as I understand and agree with protecting the population most vulnerable to Covid, disconnecting the elderly from their usual group activities- churches, meeting friends, did change their social outlets. In addition, some people have disengaged. A helpful neighbor doesn't seem involved now. There was a nice couple who had young children to whom she was a second "grandma" and I haven't heard anything about them for a long time. Maybe they moved but the neighbor didn't. I wonder if she somehow got upset with them and acted out with them.

Yes there was something validating to see her "go off" on her caretakers and medical providers. I overheard her screaming at a nurse the other day and I called the nurse to apologize. Her primary care doctor is wonderful and she's critical of him to others. I am empathetic with the people taking care of her and take their side if she complains as I know they are doing the best they can with her. Seeing her behavior with others has helped reassure me that this has nothing to do with me.

[Methuen]

I know you struggle with the caretaking responsibilities. I don't think it would make a difference if your mother was in assisted living. My BPD mother is still not compliant with the medical team, gets into drama with them. There's some additional control of her medical treatment but she still can refuse it.

There seem to be a lot of similarities with our mom's, but there are some differences too. And I think it makes a difference when the adult caretaker lives in the same community as the BPD parent.

There are many ways I think it would be different if my mom was in assisted living. One is that we wouldn't have to look after the care and maintenance of two homes, and there would be staff to look after her daily needs.  This takes up an inordinate amount of our time, and physical and emotional energy. All of our lives together (35 years) through careers and raising a family we have always had a garden.  Last year and this year we have not been able to put a garden in. Instead, we are fixing her leaky eavestrophs, kitchen sinks that don't drain, lawn mowing, snow shovelling her driveway, fixing her computer problems, taking her to appointments, addressing all the problems that come with changes in her medications, getting her groceries blah blah blah.  The necessary tasks to keep her living in her home are endless and exhausting.  That's just the physical stuff that takes up our free time.  If we didn't have to do all that, we could enjoy other things such as putting in and keeping a garden.  We are getting older too, and it would be nice to be able to do more of the things we want to do.  My H has taken over a lot of her caretaking tasks because I burned out and became very unwell, but he is getting tired too after a year of increased caretaking.  And he would rather be gardening for us, than fixing the problems of someone who feels entitled, and can't show gratitude.  Looking after two properties is a lot. Last week he finally connected the dots and stated that if he wasn't doing so much for her, he could put in a garden.

Additionally, I could retire and stay retired.  I returned to work because it set up a boundary.  She couldn't expect me to do things for her "because I was at work".  It keeps me feeling emotionally safe from her, but I have lost a lot of freedom because I have many other things I would enjoy doing in my retirement other than working.  The thought of not working, and being exposed to her demands, terrifies me.  

I've given up on the assisted living option.  She's a "fighter", she calls herself a fighter, and this is a source of pride for her.  Her fight is to not go into assisted living.  I know she would be a tough customer in assisted living.  But she would be safe.  They are professionals, and our assisted living facility here is wonderful with cheerful caring people who use humour and understand issues around the elderly.  I know many of them personally. I could also stop fielding phone calls from her friends and family: "have you talked to your mom today?  I called her and she's not answering her phone".  Everyone is expecting she has fallen again and can't get up.  The truth is mom chooses not to answer her phone because she doesn't feel like talking to the person on her call display, or because she's asleep.  If she was in assisted living, everyone would know she is safe and I wouldn't have to field these phone calls anymore.  My H and I would finally be emancipated and able to make choices for how to spend our time freely.

She complains to us about how lonely she is.  In assisted living, she would be around people, and activities.  It gets tiresome to have her insist on living in her own home, while simultaneously complaining about how lonely she is.  We have our strategies to deal with that, but good grief.

Somehow, everyone thinks we shouldn't travel, because...well...it means she's left alone in her home while we are away.  Well yes, that is her choice.  So we should never go on vacation?  The truth is that all her friends are also old, and no one else wants the responsibility of babysitting her while we are away.  They all have their own health problems and their lives.  And she is a huge responsibility, and refuses home care.

So you're right that the drama would be the same if she was in assisted living.  There will never be a change to the drama cloud and we all know that.  But her choice to stay in her home has had a huge impact on the obligations on us as her caretakers, and the choices we have or don't have in our own personal lives.  We actually want to be helpful and do these things for her, and society also expects adult children to take care of the parents, but it's just really hard because of her BPD and behaviors. People in the community here just see an old lady who can sometimes be charming and say outlandish things that come across as funny to them. She's different with them than she is with me. They know nothing about the BPD or how abusive she can be, or the impact her decisions have had on our lives.  

At any rate, the whole conversation about whether it would make a difference if she was in assisted living is mute.  There is a waiting list of 300 people for the facility.  It is all but certain she will get her wish of never going to assisted living.  If something catastrophic happens, she is more likely to go to long term care.  And that will be much worse than assisted living would have been.

And all H and I can do is wait, watch, and continue with necessary boundaries so that we are not simply slaves.  

So while your mom resists her care plans- won't take her antibiotics, won't go to physical therapy, won't go to the dining room for meals, won't use her walker, at least there are staff to observe, document, and manage it.  My mom has also refused medications, treatments, home care staff delivering necessary care to keep her sight in one eye, she doesn't cook or eat healthy foods or sleep at night or otherwise take care of herself, and because she is in her own home, we are always responsible to pick up the pieces when something goes wrong. Hospital emergency discharges her to us.  I insist on an after care plan before taking her home.  Once she can't handle the home care workers coming into her home, she cancels it. From my perspective, assisted living looks like an attractive option.  I guess if it wasn't a welcoming, professional facility that delivered good service, it would be different.

I've come to the conclusion that there are no good solutions.  Solutions involve willing participants.  With BPD there is no willing participant. So being in a facility or out of it, neither is good where BPD is part of the equation.  But her decision to stay in her home has had a heavy impact on our everyday lives and choices.  It's exhausting.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Right now it is a waiting game with your mother, while you and your husband are overwhelmed taking care of her because she refuses to go to asssisted living. It seems that the time will come soon, when your mother will be hospitalized, and you will likely tell the staff she cannot return home. I am wondering why you think asssisted living would work for her. I know in the past, you did not think your mother was a candidate for a nursing home. Has your mother's mental health and physical capacity deteriorated to the point that a nursing home or memory unit would be the level of care your mother needs now? I know that having home health care is not an option, as your mother has refused it in the past.

[Methuen]

I am wondering why you think assisted living would work for her. I know in the past, you did not think your mother was a candidate for a nursing home.

Perhaps you are getting me mixed up with someone else?  My mother would have been a great candidate for assisted living 2-3 years ago.  She would have been in a better place to make the adjustment.  And she's been a social butterfly who thrives from getting the attention of people around her whole life.  She reports that the most fun she had in life was in nurses training, living in residence.  We've always believed she could thrive in our assisted living facility.  But I think it might be too late for that now.  Besides, the waiting list has grown to 300 people. Since the pandemic and isolation, she's regressed, she's so frail, and her cognitive functioning has declined.  She can't use her own home alarm system anymore.  She can't remember how to make a poached egg (she ate them her whole life).  She can get confused with her TV remote.  Sometimes I wonder how much of it is real versus acting. Does she just want someone to drive 10 min to check her remote to get company, or is she really not able to use it?  If it's real, can't she wait until the next time we go to town?  She expects us to drop everything and run to her with every little problem. Her neediness, and demands feel extreme.  In assisted living, she would have this support when she needed it, without getting frustrated when we weren't available.

[zachira]

Methuen,
So if your mother goes to the hospital, what would you do? Would you take her home/or tell the staff she cannot care for herself in her own home? Would it make sense to explore other options besides assisted living? I realize you are the only person who knows what is best for your mother. It really is her choice if she chooses to die in her own home unless she is declared mentally incompetent to make her own decisions which seems unlikely at this point.

[Notwendy]

I understand Methuen- there is no way I could handle doing what you are doing without it being very emotionally distressing to me.

I wonder if your mother is at the point of needing skilled nursing? Often these kinds of placements are made after a hospital stay where it's determined that they can't manage in their own home, even with family living nearby to assist. It might also be helpful to be very open with the case manager about your own ability, emotionally or otherwise, to provide as much support as your mother needs. Let them know your mother cancels any home care plans. They can assess your mother's needs as if nobody else is assisting.

Your mother won't be happy about that. Likewise, my mother won't be happy about a recommendation for memory care if that happens-but if that is the best and safest situation for them, then it's what they need. They aren't happy with what anyone does for them.

[TelHill]

NW,

If I may suggest contacting the helpful neighbor to see how they are doing.  The distancing might have nothing to do with your mother. People get busy or they may not know what to say since your mom left for assisted living.

I don't think geriatric medicine acknowledges some elderly have bpd or a personality disorder. I apologize when told of my mom's odd behavior by hospital healthcare workers (nurses and MDs) and tell them she has a lifetime problem with borderline personality disorder. It doesn't seem to register with them.

My mother was in a fantastic skilled nursing facility for 5 weeks after being released from the hospital. She was yelling in the hallway and being her difficult self.  Whether by design or accident, they moved her early on to another wing with other screaming women and a non-screaming, very relaxed roommate.  The yelling stopped and she was less difficult. Still bpd but a 5 in difficulty as opposed to a 10.  Would it help your mom to have a roommate, NW? Maybe not but just a suggestion.

Methuen, that's draining.  My dad is in great cognitive shape though frail. He provides most of the caregiving. My mother is mobile enough so she goes to the bathroom by herself (a porta-potty in her bedroom) and eats all meals at the kitchen table.  I don't know what will happen if he passes before her or needs assistance himself. I'll have to send them to assisted living which they don't want.  There's no other alternative.

[Notwendy]

With my mother's need for control- I think she'd hate having a room mate- and it wouldn't be good for the room mate either.

I began to look into continuing care communities for my parents when my father became ill. I liked the idea because of the option for independent living and the availability of assisted living/skilled nursing as needed. While my mother was in good health at the time, he was the support person/caretaker for her and she was dependent on him for daily tasks. What was different was that he was the one who needed assistance and BPD mother was not able to provide that.

Yet, Dad's priority was my mother's feelings. His health care providers assumed he was being cared for by his wife. He didn't want her issues exposed to anyone. I was the one who spoke to the hospital social worker to let her know the situation. I spoke to his doctor, and my father got angry about that. At the time, I didn't understand BPD relationship dynamics. I was worried about him.

They arranged for home health care assistance but my parents dismissed them.

I looked at several continuing care communities that I thought would fit their needs and interests. I thought it was a great idea because they both could have help with meals and transportation. There were social opportunities, activities. I thought it was a good situation as their needs were different.

Any type of care community or home health would have resulted in people possibly discovering BPD mother's behaviors. So these were not acceptable options for them. The only reason BPD mother eventually accepted assisted living was because it was her only choice financially.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Notwendy,

I spoke with my D33 a couple days ago, and something from that conversation stands out as I read your posts about your uBPDm's drama in the assisted living facility.

My D and I were talking about a time many years ago when she visited with her Grandma (mu uBPDm) and the day she experienced Grandma splitting her black. I recall telling her on the phone how sorry I was that she saw that and went through that because I had hoped that my kids would never experience what I went through, and that was just a one time deal for her. She said for me to not feel badly about it because it was a learning experience for her, and a way that she could have a glimpse of understanding better what I went through.

For me to know others were experiencing what I knew was horrible (and how much I wanted others to be spared that pain) influenced how I saw what my uBPDm was doing. In other words my grief was deepened by seeing another person go through it too. I couldn't stop it or change it, and how much I wished I could. We don't want to see the pattern repeat,  and I think/theorize that this is part of what makes what you're going through all the harder. There's validation,  yes, but there's also the feelings you and I have as we watch what our mom's have done. When my mom was in the hospital dying, I struggled in how to tell the nurses that the way mom was treating them was because of who she was.

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Woolspinner- yes, thank you for your post. In this situation it's not with a grandchild but with her extended family members and caregivers. It's both validating and difficult.

I feel sorry for her and yet, her difficulties are made worse by her own behavior which is due to BPD.

[Mommydoc]

Methuen, your situation sounds unsustainable.   Your husband has been great through all of this, but it sounds like it is wearing him down.  We went through a similar thing when my father was declining and highly resistant to getting help. My entire family was exhausted and discouraged.   I remember my therapist saying “ this isn’t going to last forever” and yet in those moments, it felt like forever.  What happened is exactly what Zachira predicted which is, he was hospitalized and the social worker and case manager made the recommendation for assisted living or 24/7 in home care.  It was a very positive turning point for my family, as we could go on vacation, I didn’t have to worry about something happening 24/7.  I knew both my parents were safe.  As in NotWendy’s situation, it doesn’t solve everything, but there is a buffer, and the AL handles a lot before they call you. My father didn’t like it at all, but he did adapt.   I  hope that you can hang on until something happens that changes your mothers living situation. I think an AL would be better.   I understand how work has become a boundary.  I actually am not telling my sister about my retirement for the same reason. I often use work as a boundary with her.  Your fathers statement “ why does it have to be so hard?” resonates with me.  If you are ready to retire, I hope you can consider, how to do what is best for you, and create other boundaries with your mother?

NotWendy, you were realistic going into this transition, and knew your mother would be difficult.  It was predictable, but it is still really hard.  ( Just as my sister dysregulating after my mom dies is predictable, but will be hard).  My mom moved into the memory unit of her AL about 2 years ago, but the team had been encouraging me to move her sooner.  ( My sister of course was opposed, and I was hesitant).   My mom needed it mostly for feeding assistance, less for her dementia.  At first, for anyone, it is uncomfortable, but I have spent a ton of time there and I wish I had moved my mom there sooner.   Many of the residents are very difficult ( as you describe your mom, she would fit in), but they have very defined structure and routines and the staff are trained and very skilled at de-escalation and re-directing.  Sometimes I just observe then and am in awe.  At first my mom was one of the most cognitively intact people there, but that was a good thing, as she got a lot of attention and praise when she participated in the activities and it elevated her self esteem. It is very social.  (Prior to that in the AL memory program, she had begun to withdraw as she wasn’t able to keep up as she had previously). Unlike the AL area, everyone is expected to participate in everything, unless you are ill, so there is a lot of built in routine. They get a lot more attention.   I know that memory units can feel yucky, but as you describe your mom, I think she might really benefit, particularly given the combination of PD and cognitive decline.  It doesn’t sound like your mom has skilled needs and skilled facilities/nursing homes are VERY expensive.  I hope you can avoid that unless there is a clear need.  Usually people are placed there post hospitalization as TelHill described.  Even the best ones, are depressing. 

Like several mentioned, I used to be “embarrassed” by my sisters behavior, but I have now come to feel validation, as others witness it.   In my case, as I anticipate my sister will go after me legally,  I have in fact, considered all of these incidents as helpful.  If needed, many of these things have been documented and these people can be witnesses to negate the “ false narrative”.   I am sorry you are going through this and appreciate your sharing your stories.

[Notwendy]

Thanks for the advice Mommydoc. We are looking into both options at the moment. It's become clear that she doesn't last longer than a week at AL without some issue like falling and confusion resulting in being sent to the hospital for evaluation. She seems to do OK when there but once she's back at AL, she can't seem to manage with less supervision.

Both these options are high cost. What she'd prefer is one on one attention all the time which is why she ended up taking out a home equity loan to finance that situation. We had hoped she could manage with less in a AL than in her home with 24/7 private care. This level of care would deplete her savings quickly.

We, her family, will not be contributing financial support. We would have preferred to be allowed to help her manage her money at the beginning so her needs would be met. She actually did have enough, but has mismanaged it. She still has a monthly income that would meet her needs, just not her wants.

She does not actually need one on one care but she wants it.  She wants to have someone there for her immediately but staff at AL have other residents to tend to as well. We are trying to look at ways to extend her savings- in something like memory care.  She can have some input- spend all her savings now on what she wants and then face the choices she has with her income or - try to extend her savings in a nicer situation. We will also look at her choices if she didn't have savings. She doesn't have the total say in this if what she wants isn't in her best interest.

So we have different but also challenging situations. Your mother is cooperative but your sister is not. For me, it's with my mother and not sibling conflict.

[Mommydoc]

Hi NotWendy, agree all of this is “expensive” and can eat up savings quickly.  My MIL also had plenty of money and made a lot of bad choices, such that she is now running out of money.  When we finally got her to sell her house, she had a huge reverse equity line of credit that she was living on  that no one knew about ( kind of like home equity but gave her more money), so there was not nearly the equity we thought at time of sale.   On the advice of an independent financial advisor, we got her to purchase an annuity that pays until death.  The down side, if she dies before she has broken even, there is no inheritance. The upside, is if she lives beyond the actuarial estimates, she will continue to receive until death and it more than pays for itself.   My SIL was against it ( the no inheritance thing), so she did half annuity and kept the rest.  She has almost gone through all of the “rest” of her assets, but the annuity plus her SS together have gotten her to a place where she is covering the majority of her AL expenses.  If your mom still has some assets, given you are not likely to inherit anything anyway, you might be able to stretch her assets with a similar approach.   Good luck!  It is still a milestone that she is there finally, and yet know it is very challenging.   

[Notwendy]

My mother did the same thing (home equity but same issue) and so didn't get much left after she sold her house. I will look into the annuity but I don't think she even has enough money to make that worthwhile. Her FOO was looking at high interest CD's for her to invest some of the house money in, but she got difficult with them and they backed off. They are financially solid themselves and would not have touched the money but she still didn't let them do it. It's possible I would be able to do that for her.

Inheritance was never a consideration. I don't want money from her. At the rate she's spending, the concern is that she has enough to last her for her own needs. I will look into the annuity idea. She does get a pension from my father's job - that would be adequate for most people's needs, but it's her "wants" that exceed this. It does give us peace of mind that she still has that.

[losthero]

My BPD/ASPD mother is 71 now. My father passed away 13 years ago. Her symptoms have escalated immensely. She is also addicted to opiates and tranquilizers now. She has had to have a below knee and now an above knee amputation this last year because she refused to stay in rehab. She checks herself out AMA each time. She lives in filth and refuses to allow home health staff to come in her house. She is very mean to staff and will curse at them and throws things at them. I have tried to put her in assisted living but her behaviors were so bad they kicked her out after only two weeks.  She pathologically lies and has tried to kill me and put me in jail falsely accusing me of stealing from her or hurting her. I live about 6 hours away from her.  No one else in the family will help me with her because she is so abusive towards them. I am her only emergency contact.  APS is absolutely useless and just says if she wants to live in filth and starve to death "its her choice".  
I know my mother is extreme. I wanted to add this information for those that feel guilty for walking away when they just can't take the abuse anymore. My mother doesn't seem to care how her actions hurt herself and others.

[TelHill]

NW, what will happen if you say no to some of her wants or simply ignore them?  Even billionaires have to live within their means and make prudent financial decisions.

[Notwendy]

NW, what will happen if you say no to some of her wants or simply ignore them?  Even billionaires have to live within their means and make prudent financial decisions.

Until recently, she was completely in control of her money and her decisions. We didn't have a say in them and often didn't even know about them. It wasn't until she got herself in near financial trouble that we stepped in. So yes, the priority is to get her basic needs met, not all her wants.

Losthero- Thanks for your posts- your mother has many similarities to mine. Not all of them but still difficult. I know it's hard to see your mother make the choices she has and yet there's no effective way to intervene.

[TelHill]

That's good. I don't mean to give you a hard time about this. It took me a lot of time to adjust to my mom's fear and drama about aging.

[Notwendy]

That's good. I don't mean to give you a hard time about this. It took me a lot of time to adjust to my mom's fear and drama about aging.

I think it's an important question. It's a major rule in many cultures to honor and respect one's parents, and so it's a natural default to agree to a parent's request. But what if their requests are not in their best interests?

While I know the correct action is to not agree to something that isn't good for a parent ( or the adult child ) - for my BPD mother, complete compliance with her is the expectation and my father enabled this. We were to agree so as to not upset her. And so this is her expectation and to not agree with her becomes a conflict with her.

Until recently, BPD mother had complete control over her decisions. She is now at the point where we are able to enact on the POA my parents set up but if we tried this earlier, they would have contested it and removed our names from it. ( she has done that). We wanted to keep the POA because she tends to trust untrustworthy people and we feel we can decide in her best interest.

BPD mother and aging has been interesting. She has been a beautiful woman and was meticulous about her looks- hair, nails, clothes, - all lovely and she always dressed up. I got the feeling that with her, she needed to be the "female" in the house- the most feminine, most beautiful, while everyone else was a worker bee, regardless of if they were male or female.

Aging isn't easy in this culture. We hear of handsome "grey fox" men, but don't seem to be as interested in grey haired women and youthful looks are the standard for all. At some point, we become sort of invisible to the younger generation. One thing I did learn from my mother is that, appearance is important but we need to focus on more than that. I recall when my kids were little, she was on a diet to lose some weight, and talking about it,  but she really didn't need to and I recall thinking "the kids don't care if grandma has a tummy- they want love from their grandma" and wishing she could just enjoy them in the moment and not be concerned about that.

Lately though, she doesn't have the same investment in how she appears. This may be a result of being elderly but for her, it's a large change for someone who has been very invested in how she looks and a concern. She will go to the assisted living hair salon on site if she is going to have a visitor, and I think that's important for her well being and self esteem and I think it's a good sign that she still wants to do that.






I

[Methuen]

I  hope that you can hang on until something happens that changes your mothers living situation. I think an AL would be better.   I understand how work has become a boundary.  I actually am not telling my sister about my retirement for the same reason. I often use work as a boundary with her.  Your fathers statement “ why does it have to be so hard?” resonates with me.  If you are ready to retire, I hope you can consider, how to do what is best for you, and create other boundaries with your mother?

Thank you for this Mommydoc.  I appreciate these words.  We truly don't know how to create another boundary with my mother, other than my working.  At one point, I wanted to stop working, and my T talked me out of it.  I know she was right.  This is the only safe way.  There is no other way, apart from her passing. Despite all her serious physical issues and frailty, I truly believe she could live another 3-5 years. She is an extreme waif with a determination to live in her house.  Every one of her siblings lived well into their nineties. Her primary emotion is fear, and her primary MO is to be a fighter.  She fears death, so she will fight it to the end I suspect.  So I have to prepare myself for the long haul. 

[Notwendy]

I have been in and out of the workforce depending on the ages of the kids- working part time for some of it, stay at home mother for some, and then back to work full time. I think it is a boundary. I did not have a job when my father was ill, and my parents seemed to expect that I'd come to help whenever they asked. I wanted to help them but I also had children at home, and had to arrange for child care if I were to do that. Somehow they didn't connect that part and assumed I'd be available at any time.

As much as we hoped AL would be a good option for BPD mother, she doesn't tolerate it well. She wants someone available to her one on one 24/7, even if she's sleeping. If she wants something, she wants it immediately. But one on one private care is not affordable- and this is a main reason her savings are getting low- because she stayed in her home, with private care 24/7. And this is what she wants.

If she needs assistance with something and calls the nurse, she doesn't want to wait, so she has fallen a few times, gone to hospital, then to skilled nursing for rehab, then back to assisted living, then back to hospital for something else. She doesn't have the finances to bring in her own private care in addition to the AL, or in her own home. If someone doesn't answer her call for assistance immediately, she gets very anxious and upset.

So, she calls me to tell me to call the nurse for her, or do something for her. And she's asked me to come see her- which she usually doesn't do, but it's not because she wants me, she wants someone to be there to do things for her. Although living at a distance is a boundary, she doesn't care about that. If I am not working ( and have any time off) - and she knows about it - she will ask me to come. It's best to not tell her when we have vacation time.

It's not that I wouldn't ever visit her, but these aren't "visits", they are her ordering me around and having me do things for her. I am also willing to help her but this isn't due to her wanting to connect with her daughter but to have a servant be there immediately when she wants something. She's been doing the "love bombing" lately and it feels icky because, it's not her usual way to relate to me. I don't believe it. I will plan a visit as I think she will need to move to a higher level of care as she's not able to manage in assisted living and since I have power of attorney, help with these arrangements, and I will help her with things she needs then.

So yes, Methuen, your working is a boundary. In a way, our mothers are similar in that, they want to maintain control and yet, they need assistance. The difference is in who is assisting them. Your mother has you and your H and friends, and doesn't want outside help. My BPD mother likes both, but if she hires someone privately- she is the boss and she likes that control. If she were able to maintain that financially, she would have that, but she can't.

Some of this expectation for family to help is also possibly cultural and also a result of being raised in families who went through the Depression. Somehow my mother doesn't have the behaviors of people who went through that. I recall seeing her father save ketchup packets from fast food take out and things like that- as people saved everything they could. My MIL did these things, saved half a biscuit, half the cup of coffee for later. She was very frugal and didn't want to spend money on anything so if she needed help, she would not hire anyone. They were not wealthy but because of being frugal, they did save and so could have some help some of the time, but she refused and insisted it had to be only family until it became apparent that she'd need skilled nursing and eventually agreed to that.

[zachira]

What is alike in nearly everyone's situation with a BPD mother, is how similar the behaviors of our mothers are. What is often different is what we have to do to establish boundaries that work. Some of these boundaries will be temporary and need to be altered as our mothers age and find new ways to be intrusive and disrespectful of their children. I was very hurt by the boundaries I had to establish to keep my sanity when my mother was in her last years and how my siblings took her aging as a green light to accelarate their abuses of both my mother and me. I am so grateful to this group, as I continue to learn from everyone of you, and how you face the difficulties with your mother while taking the steps you need to protect yourself and other family members. 

[So Stressed]

This is their journey.  That they make things so difficult is beyond our control.  We must remain differentiated from their feelings, and not take those feelings for our own, or the guilt, or the obligation.

But it's hard. To observe all that, and feel helpless to do anything about it.

Are the family who facilitated her move to assisted living still involved with her?  Are they visiting her?

I seem to be entering into this assisted living drama with my bpd Mom.  It is time for her to go somewhere to live where she is around other people and cared for.  However, my sibling decided that I am not taking good enough care of Mom (largely because she tells people things like, "I never get out." and "I haven't been shopping for 3 years." and "I am so alone.")  Others seem to believe her, even though I take her to every appointment (dr., dentist, sleep apnea, physio, optomietrist, etc.), shopping for groceries, clothes, whatever she needs, out for lunch/brunch/dinner ... even some weekend getaways. I am usually there twice a week.  And I bring her to my house many weekends.  But, it is never enough.

So, my sibling, who lives 1000 miles away, has decided to move Mom to that city to assisted living.  She is 100 years old.  My sibling showed up for a few days and packed some stuff and took it to the new city, but Mom is mainly packing herself.  She doesn't want my help.  She ended up sick and in the hospital this week.  I sat with her all night in emergency.

She doesn't really want to go, but my sibling has convinced her that it is the right thing to do because I am not available enough.  I work full time and I take holidays, but arrange outside services when I am away.  Furthermore, it seemed to be a secret where she was going for a few weeks, and I have now figured out that is because nothing was arranged yet. My sibling just wanted to get her packed up and moved before she changed her mind.  So, now, my sibling has had some emails sent to Mom from her planned assisted living place that she must fill out immediately so my sibling can take possession of the assisted living place and start moving in her stuff.  She doesn't know how to do what has been asked of her.  So, I am now asked to rush over and fill out paperwork.  I expect she needs to sign some agreement, possibly have an assessment, maybe get her doctor's approval...I don't really know.  I had plans, so I did not rush over. 

I think that moving someone who is 100 to a place 1000 miles away where she doesn't know anyone is insane and the move is too much for her...especially because my sibling doesn't seem capable of organizing or providing the necessary support to Mom.

I do not see that I can do anything about this, and if I thought it would be the best solution for Mom, then it would be fine to sit back and watch. But, I do not think that it is the best solution for Mom and my sibling is doing this to be vindictive to me. 

It is all similar to how parents use their children as pawns in a divorce. My sibling seems to be doing the same with Mom and I don't see how I can intervene and put her in assisted living here to save her from the long distance move and the isolation of a strange city where she knows  no one.

I am so exhausted from the drama and I never thought my family would end up in such a mess.