Anyone's BPD parent screw you with their gambling addiction?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my Dad is so impulsive with his finances, when I depend on him, he wanted to go on a fishing trip he can't afford, and acted like his life would be over if he didn't get it. I acted mature and said I don't think he/we can afford it, and tried to say there is other options that are less expensive. Then we were taking care of our sick dog, and I did most of the brainstorming and work, but I was a bit high strung, and needed to talk to him precautions that we needed to take, to avoid it again. He complains about not being able to go out because the dog is sick, it's delayed a day, and then, and he kept checking out, and was irritable about helping the next morning, goes out "rock hunting", and I mention that it's important not to gamble, as we are strained financially.

And he gambles himself into a financial ditch, which will probably screw us both (have to check this out in a few days, when I do my finances), anyways, he blames not being able to leave early, and I'm like "What are you gonna blame the sick dog for needing a little extra help in the morning?" and I hold him accountable and say basically he's gonna be eating ramen, I might cut off the TV (which he watches or leaving on often),  and he's gonna have to suffer for it, because I am not going to. I feel proud of myself, but also so frustrated with him.

In the past he's pawned my sisters guitars to gamble, gambled my mothers rent money away, and he's gambled money we needed to survive, left me high and dry when I needed a ride to gamble. I know eventually I need my own financial independence, it's super important to me, but god, I swear he freaking does it to hurt people, not just the normal lack of control. It's like he acted like a victim to the dog for crying out loud.

So back to the question, can anyone relate?

[NarcsEverywhere]

So my Dad is so impulsive with his finances, when I depend on him, he wanted to go on a fishing trip he can't afford, and acted like his life would be over if he didn't get it. I acted mature and said I don't think he/we can afford it, and tried to say there is other options that are less expensive. Then we were taking care of our sick dog, and I did most of the brainstorming and work, but I was a bit high strung, and needed to talk to him precautions that we needed to take, to avoid it again. He complains about not being able to go out because the dog is sick, it's delayed a day, and then, and he kept checking out, and was irritable about helping the next morning, goes out "rock hunting", and I mention that it's important not to gamble, as we are strained financially.

And he gambles himself into a financial ditch, which will probably screw us both (have to check this out in a few days, when I do my finances), anyways, he blames not being able to leave early, and I'm like "What are you gonna blame the sick dog for needing a little extra help in the morning?" and I hold him accountable and say basically he's gonna be eating ramen, I might cut off the TV (which he watches or leaving on often),  and he's gonna have to suffer for it, because I am not going to. I feel proud of myself, but also so frustrated with him.

In the past he's pawned my sisters guitars to gamble, gambled my mothers rent money away, and he's gambled money we needed to survive, left me high and dry when I needed a ride to gamble. I know eventually I need my own financial independence, it's super important to me, but god, I swear he freaking does it to hurt people, not just the normal lack of control. It's like he acted like a victim to the dog for crying out loud.

So back to the question, can anyone relate?

[Notwendy]

I can relate to having a parent's spending cause difficulties and yes, it's frustrating.

I think you are familiar with 12 step programs. Understandably, groups may not be something you would want to pursue at the time, but since you are meeting with a counselor, the topic of addiction is something to bring up.

For me, working with a sponsor in these types of programs was not comfortable. Many times, she wasn't validating or emotionally comforting. It was more like an exercise boot camp where the workouts are uncomfortable but the results are great. There were times I felt angry at her too. What I am getting at is that sometimes validation is exactly what we need and yet, sometimes it doesn't get the results that being pushed to see what could be changed does. People enter 12 step programs like Alanon because they want to learn more about how to help and change the other person who has an addiction and if they do the work of the program, find it benefits them.

While a person's addictions affect the people connected to them, they have nothing to do with the other people. Your father's gambling isn't about "screwing" you over - he's not even thinking about that. Unfortunately the result is that it hurts your finances.

I can relate to the messing up our families finances on the part of my BPD mother. It does feel as if she's screwing us over. In many ways, she's made things more difficult for my father and for her children but her behaviors have nothing to do with us. Addictions are all consuming behaviors. All addictions involve an escape from emotional pain and in the moment, it's all they want, no matter what the consequences are. They aren't trying to hurt other people, but it's not on their mind at the moment. They just want what they want. Hurting other people is not their motivation even if it is the result of their actions.

You are correct that if your finances are connected to your father's - then his behavior can put the two of you in financial peril. You are correct in that the only way he's going to see any consequences for his behavior is if he experiences them, but that's difficult when you both share a home and expenses because if he can't pay rent, you still need a place to live.

The difficulty of your situation is that the two of you are connected in many ways right now which means you both are impacted by each other's behaviors. Even if the two of you didn't share a home or finances, there is still a relationship for the two of you unless you were to be completely no contact with each other.

One of the most uncomfortable experiences for me was when I vented to my sponsor, she turned the whole thing on me as if it was my fault. Yes, it wasn't all my fault but by looking at other people's behaviors, that didn't empower me to seek my own solutions. Has my mother screwed her family financially? Yes, she has. But does this perspective teach me about what I might do differently? No, it doesn't. Assuming she's trying to hurt other people is guessing at her motivation. It might be true, it might not be true. We can't really know. Would punishing her make a difference? That would also be Karpman triangle dynamics. Taking on the role of either victim "she does it to me" or rescuer "to rescue her financially" or persecutor "punish her" is ineffective. People with BPD tend to take victim perspective. Punishment fuels that.

If there's money in my mother's hands, she will mismanage it. We have tried to help her manage it but if she owns it, it's hers to do what she wishes with it. I think the best way to protect your own money from your father's gambling is to make sure he can't access any of it. If he needs to eat Ramen or can't pay the TV bill- well that is the consequences of his spending. It's not a punishment, it's reality. On the other hand, if his watching TV occupies him so you have some time to yourself- you might consider keeping it as an investment in your own well being. When you meet with your counselor today, ask them about what can you do for yourself in this situation.

I agree that it's hard when a parent behaves in harmful ways and it feels hurtful.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Look Wendy, this is why I've gotten snippy with you in the past, is that you claim to know more about my life than me, and you proceed to tell me what to do. You don't inquire or suggest.

I'm well aware of addiction, I've struggled with it before in the past, I have a smoking addiction, which when stressed can get fairly out of control, my mom had addictions that contribute to the loss of her life (and at one point was all about 12 step), and I've been understanding with my Dad multiple times. I'm not unsympathetic with addictions. And honestly the TV thing is only a last resort thing, as it's about the only option I can think of for us to save money, and it would hurt me too, since I use it maybe even more than him lately, as he's been fickle about watching it, it's something I've considered doing in the past, but didn't because of my Dad's use of it. It's not to punish particularly, it's just that I'm tired of caring about how much it hurts him, if he's not going to care about how much it hurts me, if we can find other ways to survive, then I'd prefer that, even myself.

Also, my Dad has sat out in the living room, plotting against me, multiple times, I can see it based on his demeanor/behavior, I've called him out on it, he's basically admitted it many times, except he rarely explicitly says it, I'm not going to explain everything he's done, and why, because I don't feel the need to justify this. What I am talking about is his timing. It's rare for us to be one step away from financial ruin and for my Dad to gamble, he's actually barely gambled lately, it's also rare for my Dad to bring up a fishing trip we've previously talked about not being attainable, and acting like it's do or die. I actually am very understanding about both to him, and tried to say there's probably many options for him other than that fishing trip (like other places to fish), and even just lightly encouraged him to find his own solutions and offered a few suggestions.

I didn't react when he gambled, I just told him he's gonna suffer for it more than me, and basically told him that if he doesn't want me to control things, he's going to have to find solutions to make this manageable, like giving me his credit cards when he goes places that are further away and closer to Casinos (until he's ready to take them back/our finances are in better shape), he basically agreed with it. He actually did seem to feel regretful this time, to the point where he agreed to all my suggestions/terms, and said he wanted help for gambling addiction, so it may not be intentional, it may be partially intentional, he may have mixed motivations, as he can rebel against me, just for mentioning stuff, and he can sabotage both himself or me, depending on his mood. His timing this time was horrible, and out of character, and it was often horrible in some situations in the past, which is what I was inquiring about.

What I was looking for with this post:

To relate to people who deal/have dealt with similar stuff
To vent a bit
To inquire about his motivations

Just because I vent, doesn't mean I am being a victim about it, I acted mature to him, and just was hoping people could relate, so I didn't have to bottle up the entire issue, as this is a place where people deal with people who are sometimes intentionally malicious, or subconsciously rebellious, yes? But I do agree, I'll never 100% know his motivations, that I shouldn't drive myself too crazy about that, and that we will affect each other, since we live together.