"Friendly" accusation

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't know why this made me so upset, it's not new at all. Sometimes she doesn't approach me with anger, this occurs usually after a period of angry interactions, so in a sense it's a part of the cycle of abuse.

She sent me a text message just now saying: "Hi Could you read this article when you have time? I'd like for us to thoroughly work around this issue for a longer period of time, what do you think?"

I haven't read the article but the titel is "You are a past abuser? Help your partner heal in 8 steps" with a subheading saying "Stop being an abuser using these 8 healing steps".

This makes me feel a confusing mix of sadness, guilt, anger, exhaustion... maybe anxiety is the right word. I don't know how to react at all. I wanted to write "I'm not a past abuser, so I won't read it." but then I'm the one who starts the fight.

[15years]

I don't know why this made me so upset, it's not new at all. Sometimes she doesn't approach me with anger, this occurs usually after a period of angry interactions, so in a sense it's a part of the cycle of abuse.

She sent me a text message just now saying: "Hi Could you read this article when you have time? I'd like for us to thoroughly work around this issue for a longer period of time, what do you think?"

I haven't read the article but the titel is "You are a past abuser? Help your partner heal in 8 steps" with a subheading saying "Stop being an abuser using these 8 healing steps".

This makes me feel a confusing mix of sadness, guilt, anger, exhaustion... maybe anxiety is the right word. I don't know how to react at all. I wanted to write "I'm not a past abuser, so I won't read it." but then I'm the one who starts the fight.

[15years]

Okay, so reading the article now...

the 4th step: Patience, says this:
Be patient, healing from injuries, whether they are physical or emotional, takes time.

You need to let your partner decide when and how the work on recovering from emotional abuse is going to happen. He or she may get over his or her injuries quickly, or it may take a long time. You should be prepared for either case. Give your partner the time they need to heal without pressuring them.

Willingly hang in there for as long as it takes. Let your partner decide when to ‘close the book’ on the abuse.

This might be great advice for an abuser (But probably not effective if it's a pd), but isn't it a terrible thing to read if it's a guilt trip? This text ties knots in my mind and I don't know what to think. "Hang in there for as long as it takes" that's terrible advice for someone being falsely accused. I wonder if these kind of articles does more damage than good.

[15years]

These kind of articles are really effective to use for manipulation...

Step 5: Self-examination
Examine yourself to learn the sources of your abusive behavior. Knowing why you have behaved abusively in the past will help you understand your feelings and will help you take appropriate steps to make sure your bad behavior does not return in the future.

If I try to think about the pink elephant-theory, she can always accuse me for not taking step 5 seriously.

Step 6. Feedback
Ask your partner to help you monitor your behavior and to let you know ‘if and when’ your behavior feels controlling, intimidating, or unreasonable.

Your partner’s perception is what matters. It does not matter whether or not you agree with their perception of you as ‘controlling, mean or, threatening.’ It’s how your partner EXPERIENCES YOU that matters. Perception is everything!

If your partner says that your behavior is bad, ‘accept’ his or her words and improve yourself.

She might stress that I can't know if I'm being abusive, I should give her the power of monitoring my behavior - and again, if I don't agree I'm simply not self-examining myself well enough.

Step 8. Gratitude
Be grateful the victim of your emotional abuse is giving you a second chance. He or she is not obligated to do so.





I don't know if the article is good or bad if used correctly, I just mean it's easy to use articles for guilt trips. My wife does all the time and every time she does it makes me super anxious. Sometimes I refuse to read, sometimes I do.


As we discuss this matter, I am going to assume three things:

1. You have abused your partner in the past.

2. You are a ‘good’ person, but you never learned the ‘how and why’ to treat your partner with respect.

3. You want to change for the better in order to have a successful committed relationship.

Sounds like this could apply to a care taker trying to consider actually being a bad person. I kind of feel that the author has good intentions though.



So I answered her text message:
"I think it will be hard to work together on this as our perceptions on our relationship differs greatly"
Her response:
"It's very important to me that you listen and take this seriously. Read the steps and take them seriously... I expect you to do your very best"

[ForeverDad]

Hmm... it casts you as the abuser... this doesn't go anywhere good... bad metaphor but reminds me of the icky time I had to read "The Pit and the Pendulum" by Edgar Allan Poe in school... I don't like horror stories... Don't go down the road she is choosing for you... The longer you are in her sights, the worse it will become...

Do you have a personal counselor or marriage counselor?  Heads Up time IMHO.

[Cat Familiar]

Frankly, she is the abuser and is projecting this upon you.

[ForeverDad]

Frankly, she is the abuser and is projecting this upon you.

And hoping that you can "win" in a contest of wills (or perceptions vs reality) is unrealistic and probably self-sabotaging.  She isn't listening to you, not truly listening, not even faking it.  The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to extricate yourself and preserve your parenting.

[livednlearned]

15 years, can you remind us if you're in therapy?

[15years]

No therapy now. I used to meet a few different therapists but I stopped doing that in January. I'm free to book a meeting with one of them if I want to but I felt I needed a break. If I make a final decision to leave I think I will book a meeting and maybe go a few times for a period of time.

Yesterday was tough, because she really see me as an abuser. So there's no good alternatives in how to communicate. I simply say as little as possible, anything I say or do can be interpreted as proof of me being an abuser. If I try to say exactly what she would like to hear ("I'm grateful for your patience and that you give me a second chance" ... "I will do my very best to help you heal"), I won't remember the exact story line later and I'm not motivated to do what she asks me to, so it'll backfire, and also it would validate her perception which isn't good in this case.

[ForeverDad]

I simply say as little as possible, anything I say or do can be interpreted as proof of me being an abuser. If I try to say exactly what she would like to hear ("I'm grateful for your patience and that you give me a second chance" ... "I will do my very best to help you heal"), I won't remember the exact story line later and I'm not motivated to do what she asks me to, so it'll backfire, and also it would validate her perception which isn't good in this case.

If you appease her "perceptions then later when she accuses you of actually being an abuser and states you even confessed to her that you were an abuser... then you, being the Nice Guy that you are will admit "Yes I did say that but I was merely appeasing her."

Sadly, the professionals may likely hear "Yes" but stop listening and ignore the "but..." explanation.  You're likely walking a dangerous tightrope without a safety net across the Grand Canyon on a windy day.  I've commented before, if you're tempted to appease (which doesn't really work anyway, not for long) then limit yourself to "I'm sorry you FEEL you're abused."  That one word - feelings - is important since I'm not aware of a court ruling a person is guilty of hurting intangible feelings.

[zondolit]

She sent me a text message just now saying: "Hi Smiling (click to insert in post) Could you read this article when you have time? I'd like for us to thoroughly work around this issue for a longer period of time, what do you think?"

I haven't read the article but the titel is "You are a past abuser? Help your partner heal in 8 steps" with a subheading saying "Stop being an abuser using these 8 healing steps".

Ugh. This is crazy-making. I can so imagine my former husband doing this. And like your wife he'd add the "thoroughly" and "longer" because it's not enough to just work on it. . .

Get a therapist. That will allow you to respond to your wife with "I'll bring this to my therapist" thereby neither invalidating her (it shows you are taking your relationship and your own growth seriously) but also not tormenting yourself. Plus, under false accusations, you need a professional helping you.

[I Am Redeemed]

Ugh. This is crazy-making. I can so imagine my former husband doing this. And like your wife he'd add the "thoroughly" and "longer" because it's not enough to just work on it. . .

Get a therapist. That will allow you to respond to your wife with "I'll bring this to my therapist" thereby neither invalidating her (it shows you are taking your relationship and your own growth seriously) but also not tormenting yourself. Plus, under false accusations, you need a professional helping you.

I strongly second this!

And FD is right- it’s heads up time. She is backing you into a corner by emotionally abusing you into taking on the position of the emotional abuser. Do not, under any circumstances, validate this perception of you.

It doesn’t matter what she expects. You can’t go along with this nonsense.

The suggestion about “I’m sorry you FEEL that you have been abused “ is crucial. You have not committed actual emotional abuse, even if she FEELS that she has been emotionally abused.

My ex had similar feelings. He had distorted perceptions about me and believed they were true, therefore, he believed I was hurting him when it was his false perception of me that hurt him. To this day, he believes I “cast a spell” over him and made him fall in love with me which caused him pain, as though I deliberately calculated to coerce him to become obsessed with me.

What I am seeing is that she feels pain because you have had romantic relationships before meeting her and she can’t accept that those feelings come from within her. She wants you to take responsibility for her pain and therefore she feels emotionally abused because you are not soothing her discomfort and validating that you were “wrong” for ever having dated anyone before her.

Does that sound like close?

I’m thinking maybe approach this with curiosity: “hmm, that’s an interesting article, but I am not really seeing how it applies to us/our relationship/our situation”.

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh boy… and yes, FD is correct, “heads up” time, even if you only schedule one T visit to discuss this article; and by virtue of the fact that BPDw sent it to you - this horrible accusation and its potentially damaging future implications for you.

And just to be clear, if you feel the need to respond to your W in any way, I’d phrase that response that you don’t see how the article relates to “my” behavior in this relationship/marriage.  If I recall correctly, your W has been abusive toward you.  There comes a time where you canNOT placate to keep the peace.  Far too dangerous for you.

You know you have maintained good values within this marriage.  I’m so sorry your W has put you in this position… and has absolutely zero awareness of her behaviors.

Warmly,
Gems

[15years]

Hi.

I've been enjoying three weeks of vacation from work,things have been mostly calm, W is often more reasonable during holidays, maybe she feels motivated to "keep peace" at those times. It's still exhausting to be around her so much, BUT, I have enjoyed spending time with my family. The last few days back to normal more or less, she does mention "abuse" quite lightly in passing. And she slapped me the other night because we stayed too long at my sister wedding. Totally out of line, I was on my best behavior, as always I was trying to include her and not leave her alone on social events. And I was also contributing to making the important night special for my sister. Especially since my older brother booked a three week vacation in Spain with his family, instead of 2 ½ weeks, so he missed the wedding by a few days. I'm suspecting he's appeasing his pregnant wife.

Now I'm back at the office.

Me and my older brother-in-law is planning a stag party for my younger brother-in-law. It will be small, not a lot of drinking, just us three because it will be a small wedding for family only. She wants me to promise not to say hi to any girl I know from my youth. She justifies this by saying she is heartbroken.

I have really been working hard on not judging her because it's a sickness. So with that in mind I avoid arguing and try to respond with kindness and from a neutral perspective. But she can be "sharp" in a grown-up way too. Then it suddenly feels inappropriate to talk to her in a overly mature way. So I end up in a position where I too think I should be allowed to be honest in my responses, instead of talking to her like a therapist.

I think it feels good to not always say the most mature things, it brings me back to reality. We're supposed to be on the same level. So when she asked me to not say hi to any girl I answered "What kind of question is that? ". Then after that I can go back to holding it together to avoid further arguing.

[Cat Familiar]

I think it feels good to not always say the most mature things, it brings me back to reality. We're supposed to be on the same level. So when she asked me to not say hi to any girl I answered "What kind of question is that? ". Then after that I can go back to holding it together to avoid further arguing.

What makes you think that wasn’t a mature thing to say? I’d argue otherwise. How did she respond?

[15years]

What makes you think that wasn’t a mature thing to say? I’d argue otherwise. How did she respond?

Yeah maybe you're right...

I don't know if she responded to that comment, she just kept going on about it, and later that day (yesterday) I couldn't hold it in and started arguing back. Plus now she wants me to promise her not to drink any alcohol, not even a glass of wine to go with the food. I rarely drink anything and haven't been drunk for years (too scared of the hangover + I seldom have the opportunity to do it) . I told her I don't care too much about drinking but I don't like her trying to control me.

I'm trying hard to not let crazy making comments drive me insane. But sometimes they do and I overreact.

One of the recurring themes in her thoughts is that people pretend to be something but really they're angry. I think she could say this about anyone. "The wedding ceremony was beautiful, but I noticed that really she is angry". And it always seems to have some sort of connection to her own feelings. My sister divorced her first husband and married another person. This goes against my wife's values and - she is afraid of suffering the same fate as my sisters first husband - being left and replaced - which she couldn't handle, so she invents a reason for why it happened that does feel more safe for her. Most people don't take it personal what others do with their lives but my wife does take everything personal.

[Notwendy]

I think the reply "what kind of question is that?" is a good one. It makes the point that her request is absurd without saying that and puts the question back at her.

It's understandable that constantly hearing your wife's interpretation of the world around her could be irritating. My BPD mother does that. It feels as if she's lecturing you rather than having a back and forth conversation. Eventually one does reply with a snappy answer.

The making things personal is an aspect of BPD and you have seen where your wife is trying to soothe her fears with interpreting your sister's divorce, or her fears you will meet another woman. The question is, how will you manage your own responses to this, as you don't want to be frequently bickering.