Recovering and healing is HARD

[yellowbutterfly]

It's been a while since I've posted. I feel so lost lately with not being able to function at the same capacity as before I met my stbx H. His abuse really broke me. I am dealing with PTSD along with some other health complications likely brought on by the stress of abuse.

I'm in individual therapy and group. I see my psychiatrist, too, for the medication part of healing. I take care of myself, don't drink, eat healthy, try to get some movement in, do acupuncture and other mindfulness activities. Plus, I'm raising a puppy

But the PTSD, panic attacks, and the general lack of ability to function at my previous capacity is debilitating and heartbreaking more than the loss of a relationship in any way. I'm also dealing with severe debt from his abuse.

Even though I have all the support, one would think they could have (friends, family, professionals), some days I still feel so lost and down, like I'm never going to heal.

I'm not the same person I was before the abuse and I understand I cannot function like I did before with work, ability to be social, etc. But I cannot help but think it's NOT FAIR I'm suffering from his abuse.

I hate him for what he did to cause this to me. I'm frustrated with myself for being in this situation even though, with therapy I understand how I got here. Every day is a challenge but I've never been happier because I'm no longer being abused. The healing still feels fruitless sometimes, like I'm making so little progress. From the outside, I appear to be doing great, inside I'm dying a little at times. Trapped in the hell of "recovering" from being in a relationship with a sociopath.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Yellowbutterfly,

I can totally relate to feeling frustrated with not having your life go the way you want it to, after the abuse and healing happening way too slow. Do you journal? I find that I can somewhat deal with most of my issues with that. Like I had to deal with feeling frustrated with where I was at and journal that out, before I could move forward. I had a horrible week or two, last week which culminated in me feeling completely humbled and defeated and I got a nice word from a friend, listened to Coldplay - Fix You and Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water, and cried a bunch, and passed out, ready to start a new day the next day.

It’s normal to feel all this anger, it reminds you that you were worth more than that.

Hope you feel better, sorry it’s so rough. Healing isn’t on our time table, we can only do our best at it.

[cranmango]

Hi yellowbutterfly--I hear you. You are absolutely right, it is not fair to suffer from abuse. I have also struggled with this thought on a daily basis for much of the past year. It is hard to accept that the abuse happened, and that we are left to work through the aftermath.

You also mention a few things that are really amazing: actively engaged in multiple forms of treatment, taking care of your physical health, raising a puppy, having professional success. This is all really, really phenomenal stuff.

And in addition, it sounds like you've gotten some great understanding into yourself. Understanding into the dynamics that led you into that relationship in the first place. That is key. And it's really, really hard work to gain that understanding. The work that you are putting into recovery right now will help prevent you from ending up in a similar dynamic all over again, staying stuck in the same patterns. 

Your heart will catch up, in time. I'm rooting for you.

[Warriorprincess]

"I hate him for what he did to cause this to me. I'm frustrated with myself for being in this situation even though, with therapy I understand how I got here. Every day is a challenge but I've never been happier because I'm no longer being abused. The healing still feels fruitless sometimes, like I'm making so little progress. From the outside, I appear to be doing great, inside I'm dying a little at times. Trapped in the hell of "recovering" from being in a relationship with a sociopath."

Dear yellowbutterfly,
It's been a long while since I've posted on here too; it'll be two years since my divorce from unBPDexW in August. I relate soo much to what you are saying in the paragraph above. I still hate her for what she did to me. And I am disgusted with myself for getting in the situation in the first place and feeling so trapped by it. As a social worker, I should've known better and done better, despite what I went through as a child. How could I stay with her after she called me vile names, withheld affection, spit in my face, slapped me, and shoved me to the floor? I'm in a new relationship which is scary most of the time, just the terror of one day saying or doing the wrong thing and being turned on. My new partner seems to genuinely love me, but I expect the devaluation to come anytime. I feel jaded and numb. And yet, I am trying to take care of myself like you are- I'm working and going to school, playing volleyball, reading, eating well, I just joined a gym. And yet, sometimes I still feel like giving up.

Friends who have been through recovery from narcissistic abuse say I need more time to heal. It's a process and I have to accept the ebbs and flows. I validate what you are saying: it is so HARD.

Hang in there,
Warriorprincess

[bluebutterflies]

Oh yellowbutterfly, how I feel you. It is so hard to go through what we're all going through, and it's so unfair. I know that we are all such compassionate people and we deserve the best. You'll be okay, maybe not now and maybe not for a long while. But we will heal because we have no other choice. I too feel like a completely different person and the worst of it is just going through day to day with not many people knowing what I went through. I want to scream and shout and tell the world but I can't. But it's nice, albeit sad, to know that a lot of us aren't alone in feeling this way <3

[capecodling]

It's been a while since I've posted. I feel so lost lately with not being able to function at the same capacity as before I met my stbx H. His abuse really broke me. I am dealing with PTSD along with some other health complications likely brought on by the stress of abuse.

I'm in individual therapy and group. I see my psychiatrist, too, for the medication part of healing. I take care of myself, don't drink, eat healthy, try to get some movement in, do acupuncture and other mindfulness activities. Plus, I'm raising a puppy

But the PTSD, panic attacks, and the general lack of ability to function at my previous capacity is debilitating and heartbreaking more than the loss of a relationship in any way. I'm also dealing with severe debt from his abuse.

Even though I have all the support, one would think they could have (friends, family, professionals), some days I still feel so lost and down, like I'm never going to heal.

I'm not the same person I was before the abuse and I understand I cannot function like I did before with work, ability to be social, etc. But I cannot help but think it's NOT FAIR I'm suffering from his abuse.

I hate him for what he did to cause this to me. I'm frustrated with myself for being in this situation even though, with therapy I understand how I got here. Every day is a challenge but I've never been happier because I'm no longer being abused. The healing still feels fruitless sometimes, like I'm making so little progress. From the outside, I appear to be doing great, inside I'm dying a little at times. Trapped in the hell of "recovering" from being in a relationship with a sociopath.

Wow your message tugged at my heart strings quite a bit, to see someone who has taken on an extreme amount of damage from their BPD/NPD ex — obviously you can make your own decisions about what you want to do going forward, but if I was in your position I would consider extreme measures such as ayahuasca, ketamine therapy, mushrooms, in addition I would also work with some of the somatic releases such as EFT and TRE.  I am doing a lot of these things now and I don’t think I took on as much damage as you did.

It sucks that someone can come in and wreck our lives so much the way BPD/NPDs do, and we are left a wounded mess while they go off to find their next victim.  I had a work colleague who was with an NPD for 10 years, it left her absolutely broken and she was diagnosed with a severe life-threatening illness at the end, no doubt a result of all the stress.  Said it took her 3.5 years to start to feel like herself again.  So if you have your health you can put the rest of this back together again.  I’m also happy to report that today she is healthy and happy again.

[Matty]

I only had to deal with a BPD spouse for about 6 months and felt like I was totally lost. I completely understand how people can get trapped with a BPD partner (kids, mortgage etc) but I can not understand how a non-BPD can survive/cope with a BPD for years at a time. 

Yellowbutterfly - my heart goes out to you and what you have suffered through. It sounds like you are on the right track but still slow to recover. Family and friends are critical to recovery but also the only people that understand how difficult it was are the people who have experienced it. Hang in there, keep doing what you’re doing and you will slowly find yourself again and be able to experience joy again.

[jaded7]

"I hate him for what he did to cause this to me. I'm frustrated with myself for being in this situation even though, with therapy I understand how I got here. Every day is a challenge but I've never been happier because I'm no longer being abused. The healing still feels fruitless sometimes, like I'm making so little progress. From the outside, I appear to be doing great, inside I'm dying a little at times. Trapped in the hell of "recovering" from being in a relationship with a sociopath."

Dear yellowbutterfly,
It's been a long while since I've posted on here too; it'll be two years since my divorce from unBPDexW in August. I relate soo much to what you are saying in the paragraph above. I still hate her for what she did to me. And I am disgusted with myself for getting in the situation in the first place and feeling so trapped by it. As a social worker, I should've known better and done better, despite what I went through as a child. How could I stay with her after she called me vile names, withheld affection, spit in my face, slapped me, and shoved me to the floor? I'm in a new relationship which is scary most of the time, just the terror of one day saying or doing the wrong thing and being turned on. My new partner seems to genuinely love me, but I expect the devaluation to come anytime. I feel jaded and numb. And yet, I am trying to take care of myself like you are- I'm working and going to school, playing volleyball, reading, eating well, I just joined a gym. And yet, sometimes I still feel like giving up.

Friends who have been through recovery from narcissistic abuse say I need more time to heal. It's a process and I have to accept the ebbs and flows. I validate what you are saying: it is so HARD.

Hang in there,
Warriorprincess

Warriorprincess, Yellowbutterfly and all...

Yes, this is hard. For me, the hardest thing I've ever had to tackle. There are ebbs and flows, it does feel like it will go on forever- the ruminating, the high stress levels, the triggers in the house and in the neighborhood...all of it.

We have to come to know ourselves, again. We let somebody define us, or at least I'll speak for myself that I let someone define me.

I thought I knew myself, I thought I knew my intentions. I thought I was a good person, a smart person, a kind person. So when she began informing me that I wasn't, when she began actively telling me I was cruel, punishing, not committed, had a bad memory, was a child, a shi**y businessman, uncultured...etc. etc, I was CONFUSED and wondered how I could not have realized all this.

You probably have friends and family that tell you you're a good person, nice and kind. I do too...many, many. But for some reason, this person's evaluation of us takes precedence over our lived experiences and who we know ourselves to be.

I find that to be the most painful part..the confusion as a result of all the belittling and gaslighting (used in the technical way- telling us our experiences are wrong, our memories of events and things said are wrong).

Who am I? And as a corollary, how could I have been so bad as to lose the person I cared most about in the world? Then self-hatred sneaks in. Self-doubt.

For me, I live my life intentionally, every day in order to reacquaint me with myself. I treat everyone kindly, I support friends, and I stay true to my beliefs. Although this seems like I'm STILL getting my self-worth from others, what I'm trying to do is reestablish who I am.

The other day in a coffee shop, a worker there pulled me aside and said that he is just so moved by the way I talk to some of the regulars there. One is seriously mentally ill and just sits there all day mumbling to himself. I knew him before this came over him, and he and I used to to have long intellectual conversations...years ago. The worker told me that it really touches him to see my chat with him and share a fun story. Or another former employee of mine that comes in now and then, and I sit and talk with her. She too is struggling, seriously struggling, and seems to be dissociated most of the time...and I just sit and be as present for her as much as I can. I don't do this for praise or acknowledgment, I do it because I care about people and know that a kind word can go a long way.

In the midst of my struggle, I can easily do these things for others. And to have someone tell me they've noticed made me really think to myself that I'm ok.

These small occurrences, pieced together over time, are helping me put the horrible words and names I was called to the side, and remember who I am. And remember that yelling and name calling and put downs and belittling are not part of a healthy relationship.

And I tried my best.

I hope you and all of use can make our way down this path with self-compassion and love, knowing ourselves through the fog of this suffering.

[Pook075]

Hey YellowButterfly, thanks for sharing.  I'll add my two cents.

For me, real healing came from two specific things...and I had to keep them in the forefront of my mind like they were my life's mantra or something.  I knew these things but I had to force my mind to truly believe them.  Here it goes:

1)  This had nothing to do with me.  That seems so simple- the abuse would have happened to anyone who was with my ex once she became dysregulated.  I knew that deep down but I kept thinking to myself, "If only I did this differently or that differently, the marriage would have worked out."  That's a lie though, the problem was my BPD ex not giving an inch and always taking a mile.  She will never be happy with anyone unless she's fully controlling the narrative and bending them to her will.

2)  My ex was bad to me because she was sick  I also had it in my mind that I deserved all that abuse because I wasn't the perfect husband.  We had money problems early on, so I worked two and three jobs the majority of our marriage so we'd never have to worry about money again.  But then I was a bad person because I wasn't around much, so I quit my job and worked from home running my own business.  Then I was on the computer too much at home, even though my wife was never at home...and that was my fault somehow too.  This went on for 24 years, how I was never the proper husband.

Eventually, it dawned on me that I wasn't the problem, and my wife wasn't really the problem either...it was BPD.  She's a sweet, loving woman for the most part until she splits on someone and marks them black.  She's not doing that intentionally though or trying to be evil...she's just sick.  

I think about my adult daughter who has severe asthma- I never yelled at her as a kid when she couldn't help in the yard as much as everyone else.  She physically couldn't, so why would I be angry?  I had to accept this about my ex as well, she was bad to me because of a chemical imbalance in her brain that sometimes makes her extremely selfish and toxic.  In many ways, it's really not her fault and I need to stop blaming her.

So I'll repeat the two key takeaway here once again.  This has nothing to do with you, and your ex is sometimes a bad person because they're sick.  Once you accept those two FACTS, it becomes a lot easier to forgive them and let the trauma go.  It did for me at least, so I really hope that helps you or someone else here.

[Warriorprincess]

“I thought I knew myself, I thought I knew my intentions. I thought I was a good person, a smart person, a kind person. So when she began informing me that I wasn't, when she began actively telling me I was cruel, punishing, not committed, had a bad memory, was a child, a shi**y businessman, uncultured...etc. etc, I was CONFUSED and wondered how I could not have realized all this.”
 
Capecodling, Jaded7 and Pook075, thank you so much for your wise words. I really appreciate the takeaways from your messages, especially:
1. I tried my best.
2. This has nothing to do with me.
3. My ex was bad to me because she is sick.

At the same time, the quoted paragraph above resonates so hard with me, and I ruminate about it, and I wonder who I am now. I love the action of being a good person to others to help redefine myself. I also respect capecodling’s advice and plan to enter a complex trauma intensive outpatient treatment program for my PTSD from both childhood and my abusive marriage. There’s help out there and intend to get it.

Thank you all for your support.
Warriorprincess

[yellowbutterfly]

Hi all,
I've been away from the boards a bit with my replies/updates. I'm really struggling lately and I have two close family members recently diagnosed with cancer (not a good outlook for either).

My PTSD is so bad and I'm not functioning well yet it's such a paradox because I'm happy though albeit a little depressed now too from all that is going on.

I'm struggling to work and repair the financial abuse he left me with. I can't remember who mentioned the alternative therapies in one of my message replies. I'm curious if anyone ever found a program/system to look into these through. Some days I want to find a PTSD program and check myself in. Others I'm ok.

Overall not doing so well. Any words would help. 

[capecodling]

I can't remember who mentioned the alternative therapies in one of my message replies. I'm curious if anyone ever found a program/system to look into these through. Some days I want to find a PTSD program and check myself in. Others I'm ok.

That was probably me   Obviously I can't recommend anything, I can only talk about what I've done personally in my own journey.  But I found my situation was so painful -- and to be honest, as bad as it was, it sounds like you were more damaged by what happened to you than I was -- so I was willing to do whatever it takes to erode the trauma bond I had formed to my BPD ex, even take some of my own calculated risks by doing psychadellic therapy and so on (mentioned above.)

[jaded7]

Hi all,
I've been away from the boards a bit with my replies/updates. I'm really struggling lately and I have two close family members recently diagnosed with cancer (not a good outlook for either).

My PTSD is so bad and I'm not functioning well yet it's such a paradox because I'm happy though albeit a little depressed now too from all that is going on.

I'm struggling to work and repair the financial abuse he left me with. I can't remember who mentioned the alternative therapies in one of my message replies. I'm curious if anyone ever found a program/system to look into these through. Some days I want to find a PTSD program and check myself in. Others I'm ok.

Overall not doing so well. Any words would help.  

I have done ketamine and MDMA therapy. I am happy to talk to anyone about them. I think you need to be careful with both of these. I'd be happy to start a thread on psychedelics if people want.

At the same time, the quoted paragraph above resonates so hard with me, and I ruminate about it, and I wonder who I am now. I love the action of being a good person to others to help redefine myself. I also respect capecodling’s advice and plan to enter a complex trauma intensive outpatient treatment program for my PTSD from both childhood and my abusive marriage. There’s help out there and intend to get it.

I'm glad the paragraph resonated with you. I'm 3 years out, and keep struggling with her voice, internalized into my head telling me these things.

It's really hard. But, I know this is my issue. I can be mad at her all I want, I can hope that she'll apologize and tell me she was wrong to do these things and call me these things, but that gives away my power. For better or worse, I'm the person that has to come to terms with it all and find my own way forward.

[capecodling]

I have done ketamine and MDMA therapy. I am happy to talk to anyone about them. I think you need to be careful with both of these.

Would love to hear how these helped you.   I felt like Ayahausca was very helpful in getting over my previous BPD breakup, although I had to do quite a few ceremonies to receive the full benefit.

[jaded7]

Would love to hear how these helped you.   I felt like Ayahausca was very helpful in getting over my previous BPD breakup, although I had to do quite a few ceremonies to receive the full benefit.

I think they CAN be helpful, but can also retraumatize. If people would like me to create a thread on them I would be happy to, I did 14 ketamine treatments and one MDMA, and have studied them quite a bit.

[yellowbutterfly]

Yes I would be interested

[SinisterComplex]

I think they CAN be helpful, but can also retraumatize. If people would like me to create a thread on them I would be happy to, I did 14 ketamine treatments and one MDMA, and have studied them quite a bit.

Provide peer-reviewed resources if possible and just make sure to be clear what your "own" thoughts and opinions are. Think of it like the youtube pros that have to say I am not a doctor, etc. Not trying to bust your balls or anything just making sure things go smoothly and people don't get the wrong idea since we post on an emotionally charged forum we do have to be aware that some members or lurkers may take things as gospel. Make sense?

I look forward to it. The only thing I would ask is for you to tie the treatments to BPD, PTSD, recovery, etc which it sounds like that is your goal and approach anyway.

For the record I am personally a huge fan of alternative medicine and the use of psychedelic drugs to help people get back on track and get back to feeling normal or at least happy and in control of themselves and their destiny.

My research into the use of psychedelic drugs was more based on being used to treat soldiers suffering from PTSD, breacher syndrome (repetitive traumatic brain injuries, TBI's for short), etc.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[jaded7]

Provide peer-reviewed resources if possible and just make sure to be clear what your "own" thoughts and opinions are. Think of it like the youtube pros that have to say I am not a doctor, etc. Not trying to bust your balls or anything just making sure things go smoothly and people don't get the wrong idea since we post on an emotionally charged forum we do have to be aware that some members or lurkers may take things as gospel. Make sense?

Not trying to bust my balls! That made me laugh out loud! I very a much appreciate that you put this in here, it shows that the forum is a well-moderated place and that we all are trying to work together to heal and learn.

[Warriorprincess]

Hi yellowbutterfly (and all),
I’m also interested in learning about particularly the use of psychedelics in the guided treatment of depression and PTSD. I’ve brought it up with my peers in the complex trauma mental health program I entered, and they recommended that I go through the intensive treatment I’m in first. I am learning soo much in my program. Like some of the reasons I was so vulnerable to emotional abuse in the first place. The patterns. The avoidance. I’m learning DBT, how trauma manifests in the body, and so much more. I found the program by talking to my primary care doctor. I told her I wished I could have some intensive mental health treatment, but I thought that was only accessible to someone who had attempted suicide or had some other specific mental breakdown. We’ll, my doctor said to just call her affiliated hospital’s psychiatric department and ask to speak to the director. They have both a partial hospitalization program (PHP) and an intensive outpatient program. I had an intake and was accepted into the program. They said it was my choice where I wanted to go and I might be better served at a center specifically for complex trauma. They gave me the number, I called, and was accepted there as well. The wait list was 2 weeks and I am lucky the my insurance covers it! I’m on my third week of treatment and it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I also love it. The support I’m getting is phenomenal. We do Prolonged Exposure Therapy. We learn skills before diving into the trauma. It is the best thing I’ve ever done to take care of myself.
Best of luck. I’ll look for the alternative therapies thread.
-Warriorprincess

[yellowbutterfly]

WP

Wow this is ironic timing! I am so glad to hear your post. I'm starting a similar trauma program soon and excited but also scared of how itense it is going to be. I can't wait to hear more and share from my side too. Just a quick post but I feel better knowing we are both doing this work!