The unconscious knows what we can only guess consciously

[Riv3rW0lf]

I think I finally put my finger on what was triggering me with my overly friendly neighbor : small power shifts.

All the time. She seemingly tries to "assert" some kind of power or dominance. But it is very very subtil. To a point where I thought I was crazy. But no, I felt icky, because my subconscious knew exactly what was happening and trying to tell me, making me feel uncomfortable, triggered... Because my subconscious recognize this kind of behavior, while my conscious mind makes excuses for it. My conscious mind is blind.

The power shifts are very subtil, which make sense since the relationship is very small, polite without more. The attacks are also very subtil, signs of judgment behind closed doors popping into the discussions, out of nowhere. But retracted as soon as they got out.

Once the mask fell and I caught a glimpse of the load behind the facade; it wasn't pretty. I thought it happens to everyone once in a while, but now that I can finally see the red flags and understand them, I am gonna keep keeping away from that one.

One year to unmask an unsafe person, thanks to my intuition. So subtil... I am glad I can finally see the root of the behaviors !

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, I mean many times I make decisions based on my instincts, when you’ve had a lot of experiences and honed your behavior over the years, it can be helpful. My instincts have been good in a lot of ways, but also I just saw the best in people too much, to a fault, which was a failure of my instincts. My guess is yours are more honed for these types of situations.

Also, I like relying on dreams and sleep to help me find answers or process emotions, when possible.

[Riv3rW0lf]

As it turns out I keep thinking about this much more than I'd like and keep second guessing myself, so I thought I'd make a list of the red flags I observed since the start of the summer, and not including those from last year, for my future self and reference and to get some insight as to if I should also be cautious with the other neighbor that hang with the overly friendly neighbor. Let's call the one that doesn't feel safe Betsy and the other one Martha.

Point 1 : I hanged with Martha at the start of the summer without Btesy around. She mostly talks about herself, which is fine with me. Small talk. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing standing out. Once, Betsy saw the two of us in my yard, and I saw she made a move to come see us but decided to leave. I felt something was up with that, but then, I don't know.

Point 2 : Coming home from another neighbor further down the street, I had to pass in front of Martha and Betsy, they were both sitting with a a couple visiting Betsy. Betsy raised her voice to tell me, in an overly assertive tone, "so your husband is not there and won't be coming back over the weekends, huh?" ... I hadn't talk to her about any of that, so this information got to her from Martha. I didn't even stop, I kept walking and said : "yeah he is very busy, but he might come back another weekend, we just don't know yet." And kept going home. Somehow, I felt like this was aggressive. Like she was trying to assert some kind of dominance by (1) using a very strong assertive tone for no reason and (2) asking about my personal life in front of people I don't know, as to "show" she knew me despite not knowing me at all and (3) letting me know she knows what I discuss with Martha maybe.

Point 3: Yesterday, I was playing in my yard with my children, splashing ourselves and laughing, my daughter was pretending to be an elephant and blowing water on me. Betsy walked over toward me and, again, in an overly assertive tone, said : "hey, I want to ask you something...", So I turned around and said, calmly :" hi to you too" and she said "right hi ! I wanted to do if you were feeling like coming to Martha to use her swimming pool at 5pm!" I instantly felt wrong, she was inviting me to someone else's house which, to me, is a breach of boundary.

It's disrespectful to Martha, and it is also a very nice setup for me to get there and feel unwelcome. Martha should get to decide who she invited at her house. So I said I would stick to my usual routine because I had a big day and big night ahead, as I needed to work. And she said : "ho yeah, maybe you could put cameras on and still come." And I didn't get that so I asked : "why cameras?" And she said because I put my children to bed so early. To which I replied: "They go to bed at 7:30pm like many other children their age." So she laughed it off saying : "Ho right silly me, I thought you were putting them to bed earlier I wonder why that is." And she left. And again, this whole interaction left me feeling icky, judged and invalidated. I got the sense they were talking a lot of me when I wasn't there and judging my parenting somehow, but without knowing any of it. She was basically inferring I put my children to bed at 5pm, seriously, what the heck?

Point 4: two days ago, DD wanted absolutely to go play with Betsy's daughter. I said ok, but just 15 minutes because we will have diner soon. We had have a fight because she had just left to play with her prior to this without asking permission, just left while I was busy with her little brother... Anyway! because she had calmed down, and some time had passed, and she really asked nicely, I figured I should meet her halfway and didn't have a good reason to say no.. anyway, I said ok but fifteen minutes. I get a text from Betsy telling me my daughter is playing with them. I said yes, she asked permission and I gave her 15 minutes, if thats ok with her, I thought she was still playing outside. I go out front and cannot find them so I ask the neighbor where they are. She said they are inside. I say ok and that she could send her in 10. To which she replied : "anyway they cannot play long because I have to go to a swimming class with my daughter tonight"... It felt like a weird power shift, like, she was making my rule about her own need somehow. Maybe I am seeing too much, it's very subtil, but everytime I speak with her, she does that. I told her :"well the fifteen minute is up anyway, could you send her back home please?" She said ok and it was the end of it. Very very subtil to the point where I'd think I am oversensitive about it... But I think it's not the moment, but the pattern of behaviors that is raising the alarm...

Ok now maybe I will stop thinking about this.

This woman gets under my skin for some reasons. H also thinks she is off, but maybe we are both too .. independant, and a bit of hermits... Do other people here see that I see in those small stories?

[zachira]

Congratulations on figuring out your neighbor so quickly! You are learning a lot younger and faster than I have about who the safe people are and who to distance yourself from. When we come from disordered families, we often struggle with allowing disordered people into our lives. Our bodies tell us first who is who. Many of us who come from disordred families have this rule, that we have to have absolute proof that somebody is a bad person before we can decide to distance ourselves. I now look at people's body language and if they show any interest in me or just talk about themselves. If the body language is open and welcoming and the facial expressions are genuine instead of masks, I know I am probably safe, though still need to go slow and get to know somebody well over time before sharing too much about myself.

[Riv3rW0lf]

It's funny how our mind works sometimes.

Yesterday I talked with a friend from the other province I used to live at. The first safe friend I ever made. And we talked about what was happening in my life, and she was so very receptive like few people ever are. And we talked about people I had met here, and I said I had a lot of trouble meeting people.

And I finally acknowledged the very root of my current depression. H is gone, who is basically my emotional stone and best friend. And just before he left, I learned, the very same day, that the only friend I made here in this new town I live in, who happens to be my cousin and a wonderful woman, has not been responding to her cancer treatment.

I've known for a while she has cancer. And I didn't let it affect me. I felt like I had no right to be sad about it, that it was egoist to feel sad and to feel grief. I kept telling myself she was new in my life and so I had no right to feel this way. I of course try to be there for her but I felt I had no right to talk about her illness to other people, and kept it bottled up.

And yesterday, it came out and I started crying for the first time about it. And I felt so silly, and my friend said : "Riverworlf, you have a right to take space, you know? You have a right to feel sad and you have a right to request support. It's your cousin and your friend, of course it will affect you. It's ok to take space with your feelings."  

And it hit me, just how lucky I am to have this friend to open my eyes to the root of what I've been bottling up this past two weeks. How I miss her too. How my trauma is yet again keeping me from processing pain. I want to support my cousin, and to do that, I need to get support for myself from other people that are exterior to the circle, and can support me, in turn allowing me to support her and her family. I miss my friend and I am grieving my cousin's health.

I am lonely, and I made one safe friend here, one another person I feel I can trust, she is wonderful, my cousin, and it hit me like a train when I learned she wasn't responding to her treatment. I can't even imagine what she is going through with four children of her own, the youngest is only 3. It's all so unfair. And I just dissociated from it. Then the rest of the news hit... Daycare closing, H not coming back over the weekend, it just kept piling up and I kept my mind busy. But it really does affect me and I don't know how to be there for her.

I've sent her a small self-care box. She is very tired, and I feel she is isolating right now. I get that. I wanted to cook something but my schedule has been so crazy, I actually feel bad I cannot do more for her.

I think this whole thing about my neighbor actually stem from this news. My mind trying to keep busy with smaller relationships things, refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

I'm glad it is finally coming out. I hope I can make more time to help her out. Albeit I have no idea what to do to support her through this... And I just keep crying and I still feel I have no right to cry about that. Crazy trauma that my mother left me. My friend told it so well : "we also have a right to take space with our feelings."

[NarcsEverywhere]

I’m sorry your cousin has cancer, and you both feel upset about it, concerned for her, and in some ways less capable of helping than you’d like. It can be  helpless feeling. I’m glad you’re giving yourself the compassion to feel how you feel before you move forward about it. I’ve felt very similar in many situations, because I tend to care so much and I’m only human, which honestly sucks sometimes! I think you have a similar temperament.

Sorry you’re so lonely Riv3rw0lf, I can relate to your hermit ways, when you’re like that, each friendship and relationship is that much more valuable.

I just want you to know that, I felt down today, and I wanted to invest in this friendship even though it’s not from the strongest place, because it’s valuable to me, and it’s not worth squandering. I hope you feel better.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thanks Narcs, yeah you seem to be in a triggered moment yourself, I'm also sorry I can't offer more support. I am also not in a good place right now and not coping well.

H couldn't come home this weekend.

The girl I thought I could hire for my son got a job offer. I contacted someone else and am waiting to see if she is available for an interview. I got the grandparent to help out next week, since I have 17 dams to inspect in the span of four days which is stressful on its own, but more so now. I am lucky they were available.

I found another place that help military families, but it's temporary and they are 35 minutes away so... That's the best I can get, but the travel time will definitely eat whatever I had for self care.

I am wondering if maybe I should ask the little boy that lives down the street if he'd like to play with them 1 hours per day, so that I can get my gym in in the afternoons. He just 10, but he is very sweet and always taking care of them anyway when I am outside. Is he too young?  I'd still be in the house is something happened.

I had bought a trampoline for my daughter and was looking forward to receiving it. I did, but then was told by the company they would reimburse me for the installation because there was no one available for install it where I am. This reminded me badly how H isn't there to help and I felt overwhelmed. By a freacking trampoline.

I ended up calling my father, he will be driving in today to help me out with the trampoline. And emotionally... I mean... Writing this, I can see I am still managing, I keep looking for options, I'm not giving up, and things will get into place at some point... but I am under a stressload that is just... Very big. And I feel overwhelmed. I find it hard to cope right now, but am finding ways to handle it, one day at a time, going around my very limited network here. This made me realize how lonely I actually am. And I'm tired of being this lonely.

The great friend I made, I had to move away from. And people don't have time for new friends. It's not that there isn't anyone. I found some people that seem amazing, but they've been in this city for their whole life, they already have friends and a network, and don't seem to have time for a new friend, and I mean, I get it. Making friends as an adult is crazy hard.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Riv3rw0lf,

I see that you’re overwhelmed, it’s fine. I don’t really need constant support from you anyways, hope your life falls into place, it sounds chaotic, good luck.