Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:20:05 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The curse of being my exBPDs "favorite person"  (Read 397 times)
capecodling
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 158


« on: June 01, 2023, 02:57:17 PM »

I ended things for good with my exBPD about a month ago.   She and I had a turbulent 1.5 year relationship where we were broken up and not speaking at least half the time.   She never really did anything too overtly crazy --- whenever she did get close to that I would usually draw the line and break up with her, telling her the reason I was doing so, and asking her to remain no contact.  Of course, she would eventually ignore my requests for no contact and I would allow us to engage again and another cycle would start with her.   As far as the time we were together, I just felt like my buttons were always being pressed, but I couldn't really pinpoint anything specific.   Perhaps that's just the nature of a trauma bond, perhaps whatever was driving her just knew how to push my buttons without me being able to consciously identify what she was doing.   This last time I broke up with her it was because she crossed one of my firm boundaries --- she got angry because I worked on a weekend and threatened to withold sex as a retaliation.   I could have actually overlooked someone saying something in a moment of anger, even what she said, but I was just feeling constantly triggered, anxious, unhappy, and unwell the entire time I was with her.   So it was really more the way I was feeling than any specific event or action on her part that caused me to end things with her.  So I have 2 questions:

1) Does anyone else relate to this?  Like you can feel something is pressing your buttons and you feel unwell, but if someone asked you to explain exactly why, you can't really pinpoint any specific things the other person did.  Its just more of a knowing that you are being manipulated, perhaps even on a subconscious level.

2) As her "favorite person" she keeps trying to contact me, I blocked her on absolutely everything, but she finds clever ways around the blocks like calling from unknown numbers, sending emails from accounts I haven't blocked fully yet, etc.  I have no illiusions that she would cheat on me in a second if we were together and she devalued me, and if she finds someone better, I'll become a distant memory.  But I can also tell that something in her --- at least at times --- truly believes we have a "souldmate" or "twin flame" connection.  I feel like it would be better if she just devalued me forever, and part of me is rooting for her to find someone else as her favorite person.   Does anyone have any suggestions about how to break this?  One of my friends suggested I should do something to really turn her off, so she sees me differently, like tell her I have some disgusting sexual fetish or similar.   
Logged
UnbalancedForce

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 30



« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2023, 01:08:35 PM »

#1-I like to call it "drained". My family noticed it but I didn't until we separated. Everything you do to "step-up" is never enough. Then more is expected from you. That is why strict boundaries are paramount.

#2-To end it I would suggest not being something your not. I tried to go no contact 100%, didn't work out too well Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). The post relationship contact with your mate is when you really get to meet good ole BPD in full force. I did reactive abuse and it only makes the "charming" worse. They perceive both positive and negative interactions with you post breakup as "soothing." Trust me, they can escalate the negative quite higher than you can imagine. Please read up on that on here. Cops, robbers, whole nine yards, then the next day try to get you back again. Seriously though, look up "Extinction Burst" on here. That is the path I'm taking. It has dwindled off for the most part in intensity and the cycles are longer apart but it is funny how creative they still get to see if you react when they are bored Smiling (click to insert in post)-. Some won't stop the rest of your life if you allow it. Grey rocking is another step people suggest. They feed on drama, once you become really disinterested they should leave you alone. However, once I was really honest with myself I know It starts with me. I have to break the cycle if that is what I really want. Focus on yourself and let the calls and stuff go and pretend you like doing all the hobbies and other stuff you don't feel like doing again yet Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Stay off social media etc...not to wind them up. Not going to lie, I have found that these cluster B relationships take double the time to heal versus other somewhat "normal" relationships. It is so unfortunate because you are going to hit the core of their disorder now. This is where the whole illness stems from and the trauma they had in their past. Just do remember it is the illness and have compassion AFTER you have finished grieving. Focus on why you stayed so long, what part you played, and what trauma you have now. The quicker you shift the narrative from "her" to "you" the better, but you have been groomed not to for the last 4 years so it won't be easy.
 
Logged
capecodling
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 158


« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2023, 11:48:53 PM »

I agree with so much of what you said @UnbalancedForce. The part about being drained, that is probably the single biggest factor out of anything resulting in me leaving. The fact that I feel so unwell all the time with her, it’s kind of the last word on everything. Doesn’t really matter what her actions were or were not, whether she even has BPD, or just tendencies, etc.

I am sort of surprised how hard it is to get rid of them. It’s like once you decide you are truly done, they sense it and re-double all of the efforts to charm you back. Before when I went no contact with her, but was still really hurting and grieving the whole time secretly, wishing she would come back, she kept her distance. Now she senses I am done and is pulling out all the stops.

I don’t want to change my phone number or email address, but it is something I am seriously considering since she won’t respect no contact nor does blocking her on everything seem to stop her. And even receiving emails from her, I feel the toxic energy just sort of infects me even though she is geographically far away, and there is no danger of actually seeing her.

despite all of that, I don’t see her as a bad person. I see her as a tragic figure, but one who I can’t be around nor can I help. The unwellness she has in her ends up, infecting me, and I allow that through my own codependency.  I think the most important thing I could possibly do now, probably true for most of us on here, too, is to focus, intensely and fiercely on healing, the trauma that resulted in the trauma bond being able to be formed in the first place.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2023, 10:37:44 PM by capecodling » Logged
NarcsEverywhere
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 438


« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2023, 09:35:07 PM »

I can relate to not knowing, with my Covert NPD Dad, I live with him, and just being around him can be uncomfortable, as he's always trying to either win me over, or on my worse days, he tries to take over my responsibilities, or pile on when I feel poorly, to win some power play, or be overly helpful. I just wish he'd butt out sometimes, and I do think some of my reaction is because of baggage with him, there's an instinct now that it just doesn't feel right. I luckily will put my foot down on boundaries if it feels especially crummy, but a lot of times it's this low key thing, that's hard to put your finger on.
Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2023, 10:00:46 AM »

Hi capecodling;

1) Does anyone else relate to this?  Like you can feel something is pressing your buttons and you feel unwell, but if someone asked you to explain exactly why, you can't really pinpoint any specific things the other person did.  Its just more of a knowing that you are being manipulated, perhaps even on a subconscious level.

Yes, I can relate to that. For example, my H's kids' mom, who has many BPD traits, is married to someone with many NPD traits. I remember once when my H's youngest (maybe 12 at the time) was telling us she was interested in some activity that might be considered common/not a big deal for most people, but for H and I, it was kind of an eyebrow-raiser, and I think both of us responded strongly to hearing that. The next time H went to pick up the kids, Stepdad was wearing a shirt with a picture of the thing on it.

If you tried to describe what happened to a normal person, you would come across sounding like the paranoid/crazy person. "But then HE WORE THE SHIRT!" There's this plausible deniability with how many pwPDs behave.  It's not like they're yelling, demanding, hitting, etc, and the statements "sound nice" or "they're just being supportive". They're getting their own needs met (because Stepdad wearing that shirt was not fundamentally about supporting SD12, it was about him occupying the coveted role of "hero") in what I've heard called a "covertly aggressive" way.

I believe the phrase "covert aggression" may come from author George K. Simon, who wrote "In Sheep's Clothing" (about understanding and coping with manipulative people) and "Character Disturbance". While it's been a minute since I read the books, I believe both treat on PDs, though with different terminology. You can check out his work and see if it resonates with your situation. He does provide some ideas for dealing with the manipulation.

...

despite all of that, I don’t see her as a bad person. I see her as a tragic figure, but one who I can’t be around nor can I help. The unwellness she has in her ends up, infecting me, and I allow that through my own codependency.  I think the most important thing I could possibly do now, probably true for most of us on here, too, is to focus, intensely and fiercely on healing, the trauma that resulted in the trauma bond being able to be formed in the first place.

110%
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!