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Author Topic: Bpd ex suddenly moving far and not caring about S6  (Read 540 times)
Marianne-11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Preparing for divorce
Posts: 86



« on: June 05, 2023, 01:00:13 PM »

Hi all,

It’s been awhile since last post. I hope to once more learn from this wise community. Things have been okish with my ex for quite some time, meaning he has done his every other weekend with the kids. Very important especially for S6 self esteem to spend time with his dad on a regular basis. Towards me it has been the same old same old, often shifting from charming to passive aggressive behavior for who knows why. But I don’t mind as long as he has been spendig  time with his kids every other weekend.

Today however, ex broke the news to me that he will be moving so far (5 hours drive, really) that he won’t be seeing S6 anymore unless S6 spends Christmas and maybe some other holiday with him. Just like that, from spending time with him everyother weekend to pretty much so long and take care. All of a sudden.

My BPD ex is diagnosed also with bipolar and I’ve been sensing that maybe a manic period is coming into the picture.

But my heart breaks for S6, dad is so important to him. How on earth can I explain this to him so that he doesn’t feel unimportant or rejected by his dad? I feel like I can’t breathe. S6 was just recently diagnosed with ADHD and life has not been easy for him, but he is the sweetest, most caring and sensitive kid.

I would appreciate any advise or support. Somehow I was not ready to deal with this again.

I am heartbroken for my sweet boy Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2023, 04:56:25 PM »

One realization many have come to is that you can't force the ex to be a parent, often not even a good parent.  I sometimes make reference to it being the other's comfort zone.

Are there any activities or male sponsors in the community that can help fill that dad hole in son's life?
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kells76
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« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2023, 05:30:19 PM »

Hi again Marianne-11, thanks for filling us in on what's going on.

Can you remind me -- do you have a legal parenting plan in place?

And is your S6 in any kind of counseling? That could be a good place for him to process the changes with his dad, so it's not all on your shoulders.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2023, 12:12:46 PM »

How on earth can I explain this to him so that he doesn’t feel unimportant or rejected by his dad?

It's tough when BPD parents can't hit their mark, especially with young kids involved.

If I could do my parenting over again, I would validate more and explain less.

Let my son feel his anger or sadness, and be there with him while he lets the feelings out where he can process them.

A lot of us here tend to rush too quickly to make things all better. If you are uncomfortable with intense emotion, your instinct might be to comfort and save and fix and rescue. While those are good intentions, our discomfort with suffering means our kids stuff those feelings and that becomes a harder problem as they get older. Not unfixable, but not easy to fix either.

I also wish I had done more co-counseling with my son when he was younger. He had therapy, I had therapy, but sort of by accident we started to have sessions where I was in the room with his counselor. I learned a lot from watching that therapeutic process that changed my life, and changed our relationship.

We cannot guess at what our kids are going through. We just can't. You will be wrong -- we're old and looking at things from our perspective, even though it's a perspective rooted in love.

Letting them guide us through the tunnel of pain they're in, and walking next to them, means they have someone there who loves them, but who isn't stopping them from learning that they can survive the tunnel.

It's really rotten news and it's going to hurt and that's not something we can fix by saying the other parent loves them.
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Breathe.
Marianne-11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Preparing for divorce
Posts: 86



« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2023, 03:38:40 PM »

Thank you ForeverDad, Kells and Livedandlearned for respondind and sharing your thoughts and experience. Can’t tell you how much it means to be heard by people I value. Thank you.

We have only officially  agreed on child support and that dad is to take the kids every other weekend to spend at his place. And for a good period of time this worked ok. Which kind of makes this situation harder as this comes so suddenly without any warning that the good period is over.

My brother and my mum’s spouse are pretty much the only dependable and stable male figures in my sons’ life. Unfortunately they live far away, so we see them only a few times a year. I gotta see if I can do something about that.

 I struggle a bit with combining a demanding job and driving S6 to school and back and to therapy and what else, so currently I haven’t been able to arrange him a regular hobby where he could possibly be around dependable and supportive men. But during summer holiday I try to provide new hopefully empowering experiences such as swimming classes. Who knows if he’ll find a spark towards a hobby.

By therapy I mean S6 is currently getting occupational therapy to help with adhd. But co-counseling might be a really good idea to look into.

Livednlearned, you’ve given me a whole new perspective. Everything you write makes so much sense to me, while it is not easy. I am the parent who rushes into fixing things and making it all better. Not everything in life, but issues with their dad.

 I realize I feel guilty that this is the life I have provided for my kids, pain and disapointment you would not wish on anyone, let alone children. We do also laugh a lot and have good time together with the kiddos, but my wish of course would be that their other parent would offer them stability and just good regular life as well. Anyhow, never realized my way of handling these difficult situations could also be harmful. Validating and walking next to my kids is what I’ll focus more on going forward.

The shock of this latest turn is still effecting me, but gradually I start to realize again that this person is really really sick and will always be. I need to be functionsl to navigate us forward in a healthy way.

I hate to admit also that I got totally surprised, when I should have been prepared for anything at any time. And it got under my skin big time that somehow my ex sees himself as a victim (of having had to be with his kids every other weekend which he sees was my fault) and justifies through that how he treats the kids now.

Sorry I got into venting a bit, but this is the only place where you get this. Forever grateful of this forum and everyone contributing their time to help out others.

I am still not sure about what next steps would be wisest. Are there any reasonable ways to try and get him to commit to seeing S6 regularly. And if it is mania kicking in, that might not even be safe for a while.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2023, 03:56:26 PM »

I am still not sure about what next steps would be wisest. Are there any reasonable ways to try and get him to commit to seeing S6 regularly. And if it is mania kicking in, that might not even be safe for a while.

Wise steps probably have a lot to do with you and a lot less with your ex.

Codependency makes us want to fix people and control their behaviors. It gives us somewhere to focus other than ourselves.

Do you have thoughts one way or another about getting S6 to establish a relationship with a therapist? I know the OT stuff can be super important and your time is limited. Single parenting is not for the weak  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

My son was 9 when he started seeing a therapist. She wasn't a great fit but eventually we found someone (male) who kind of helped re-parent my son. They saw each other for about 8 years and it was a pretty special relationship, although he was a particularly amazing therapist. He wasn't in our insurance network so it cost me more money than I had but it was worth every penny.

Our kids feel pain and they will suffer. The greatest gift I learned to give my son (unfortunately older than the age your son is now) is that he is strong enough to experience and survive painful feelings, that it's normal to feel pain and in fact unavoidable, that repair and recover is better than no repair at all, that we don't have control over what other people do but we have control over ourselves and that can change how other people behave.

Power of Validation for Parents is a great resource. So is You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms.
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Breathe.
ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2023, 04:37:49 PM »

Kids do bounce back from the potholes in life.  However, recovery (as well as blooming in life as a flower does) is a process, not an event.  Give it time and lots of love.

Ready for a chuckle?  My separation and divorce would be described as high conflict.

I had a two year divorce, the last step before the trial was scheduled was a Settlement Conference in my lawyer's conference room.  I recall beforehand, while in my lawyer's office, her lawyer came in, sat down and started talking, just the 3 of us.  One of the things he said was that he himself was divorced and he had alternate weekends (same as what I then had during the temporary order).  He suggested that as something to agree with.  I said, "Sure, sounds good to me but I don't think Ms FD wants alternate weekends."   He was quiet after that.

By the way, that was one of the few times in my life where I had a wonderful answer at the right time.  I savored the moment.
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Marianne-11
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Relationship status: Preparing for divorce
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« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2023, 12:58:34 PM »

I do very much hope to be able to provide long term therapy for both kids at some point. Would be great to find a good male therapist for both kids so that they would also get new perspective on what male behaviour can be.

Right now I have limited resources financially and timewise, but I need to figure out how to improve this. As said, single parenting most certainly is not for the weak.

Thank tou Livednlearned also for the book tips, I will be reading them.

Give it time and lots of love.

Ready for a chuckle?  My separation and divorce would be described as high conflict.


Time and lots of love it is, thank you for support! And for the chuckle.. I am sorry you had to experience this, but can oh so well relate! You most certainly savored the moment!

Thank you for helping me find direction and determination once again. Can’t tell you enough how much I value this. I have no doubt the saga continues with new twists and turns, but I am back on my feet again for my kids and for myself, thanks to you kind hearted and caring people in this forum  With affection (click to insert in post)
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